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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you attend a wedding and not even give a card ?

228 replies

bridezilllaaaa · 10/09/2022 19:49

I got married not long ago. I had around 90 guests.

I had a card box on display, but noticed that around 20 guests didn't even give us a card.

I didn't have a present list or anything like that. The invitation specified that no presents were required, but if people did want to give something, then cash would be appreciated. (Worded much nicer than that ).

I definitely didn't expect money from everyone, but perhaps a card ?

We gave wedding favours etc. We had no distinction between evening and day guests etc. We just had everyone join us for the entire day.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 11/09/2022 12:59

I would absolutely read a request for no presents to include no cards,flowers or other sort of acknowledgement.

sheepdogdelight · 11/09/2022 13:06

I think it's increasingly odd that some people still equate "not giving a card", to whatever event to be "rude". I've read the whole thread and don't really understand why that is other than "tradition".

In OP's case, I'd prefer not to get a card because

  1. Environmental impact
  2. I've asked not to be given anything
  3. I've presumably been offered good wishes in person, so the card is serving no purpose (I'd understand someone who couldn't come sending a card, but I'd still prefer an email/text/WhatsApp message)

if I wanted something to look back on, I'd have a guest book at the wedding.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/09/2022 13:18

HeddaGarbled · 10/09/2022 19:52

My experience is that younger people often don’t bother so much with cards these days: environmental concerns & communication via social media, I think.

Yes I think this is true.

Also I think if you specify no presents some people would bundle in no card with that. They should have written thank yous though.

OriginalUsername3 · 11/09/2022 13:21

We had guests not give cards. But most people had to travel and either drive home late or pay to stay somewhere. The people who didn't give cards were the people we knew it would have been a struggle to come. So honestly I just thanked them massively for making the effort to come.

There were also some of DHs friends who were dicks and just treated it as a bit of a pissup. But I don't care enough about them to care.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 11/09/2022 14:02

BecauseICan22 · 10/09/2022 22:06

Not at all. It is blisteringly rude to turn up empty handed at a wedding without even as much as a card to congratulate the couple. Because no one ever wants to say anything as it's 'uncomfortable', rude people get away with a lot.

These 12 individuals are all financially very comfortable and we didn't require a gift but to not even acknowledge our day with a congratulations meant that their rude behaviour was right to be highlighted and a wonderful charity benefitted.

I don't have time for bullshitters and so I always, politely, highlight their behaviour.

Show quote history

My opinion differs from yours. You sound very pleased with your conduct so, carry on. Maybe next time there is an occasion warranting a financial input, see if you can arrange bank transfers. Easier for you to check and tick off your list.

Whammyyammy · 11/09/2022 14:08

That's awful.

You either have some very stingey friends.
Or your wedding was attended by people that don't think of you as friends🤷‍♂️

HorribleHerstory · 11/09/2022 14:14

Well I’ve never given nor received a wedding card.

clearly I am massively stingy and have no friends.

WTF

when the guests see a card box at the wedding they can’t exactly click their fingers and magic up a card to put in it, if they didn’t know one would be expected.

if you wanted cards so much op why didn’t you put a load of cards next to this box for the guests to write in and put in

how is anyone to know this is expected?

newbiename · 11/09/2022 14:26

@Sparklythings1 perhaps they'd maxed out their budget ? It can cost a lot to go to a wedding. You sound really ungrateful no one is obliged to give you money in a card.

Ofcourseshecan · 11/09/2022 14:31

Everyone knows weddings are expensive! I always send a card and cheque. If invited but we can’t go, I’d still send a card and cheque. If we’re sending a card but not invited to wedding, I probably would only include a cheque if the couple are young and skint.

LoobyDop · 11/09/2022 14:34

To me cards are for sending if you can’t make the wedding, I don’t see the point if you’re there to give your best wishes in person. I do take cards to weddings because I know it’s expected, but I think it’s a bit silly.

sheepdogdelight · 11/09/2022 15:14

I think this thread has shown that people's expectations of "etiquette" is very different and that some people care a lot and others don't care at all.

On the basis that OP's guests will probably have been equally confused, I think it's a real shame that OP didn't take the time when she was nicely drafting her "don't give us presents, we only want cash" message that she couldn't have turned it into "we always appreciate cards but please don't feel you have to give us presents". I think in general guests like it spelled out to them exactly what is expected, rather than having to guess (and clearly getting it "wrong" in some cases in OP's perspective).

Metabigot · 11/09/2022 15:15

We had a card with IOU £50 hand written by DH cousin inside.

Still waiting for it 6 years later!

Crunchingleaf · 11/09/2022 17:11

Dishwashersaurous · 11/09/2022 12:59

I would absolutely read a request for no presents to include no cards,flowers or other sort of acknowledgement.

What majority of people mean is that they don’t want traditional wedding gifts. A card is just good manners and a cash gift is the social norm. Most people don’t feel comfortable asking for money instead of a gift.

willingtolearn · 11/09/2022 17:14

I think this has helped me decide never to attend another wedding again.

I don't find them enjoyable - they are usually a 'duty'.

They're often in places that are hard to reach, expensive to travel to and might necessitate staying overnight somewhere - all costly.
The food is rarely something I would choose to eat or pay for.
I'm not a big drinker so that's lost on me - even worse if I end up paying pounds for a soft drink from a bar.
I hate getting 'dressed up' - don't have a wardrobe for it and often have to pay for clothes I am uncomfortable in.
I may end up seated on a table where I know no-one and have to make awkward polite conversation.

And yet I do it because I want to show individuals they matter to me and that I care about them.

If you're acting as though I'm choosing to attend your 'event' and must pay to do so at the cost of several hundred pounds then you can get lost.

Maireas · 11/09/2022 17:17

I agree with you, @willingtolearn - some of these comments show that it's less about sharing the special day for some people, but more what they can get.
The chugging phone call takes the biscuit.

sheepdogdelight · 11/09/2022 17:20

Crunchingleaf · 11/09/2022 17:11

What majority of people mean is that they don’t want traditional wedding gifts. A card is just good manners and a cash gift is the social norm. Most people don’t feel comfortable asking for money instead of a gift.

Show quote history

As I've got older, I find I have less and less patience for what people "mean" when they say something different.

Come straight out and say you'd like money in a card, if people can afford it, and would like to give something. I think most people would rather be told straight than have to read between the lines, especially if they then run the risk of doing the wrong things and inadvertently causing annoyance, as has happened here.

This thread clearly shows that there is no universal view on whether a card is good manners or not, or whether cash gifts are social norms. So make it simple and don't assume that all your guests will work out for themselves what you "mean". Unless you genuinely don't care.

Dishwashersaurous · 11/09/2022 19:20

I've never been to a wedding that had a no gift request.

If I did I would assume its because the couple didn't want unnecessary stuff. Of which cards are the most classic example. Therefore would not give anything.

Ponderingwindow · 11/09/2022 19:40

If you asked for cash with the invite, I can guarantee that some of your guests thought it was tacky. They were just polite enough not to say anything.

if you don’t make a gift registry and even if you do make one, many people will give you money. You don’t need to state it.

Olivie12 · 12/09/2022 09:52

willingtolearn · 11/09/2022 17:14

I think this has helped me decide never to attend another wedding again.

I don't find them enjoyable - they are usually a 'duty'.

They're often in places that are hard to reach, expensive to travel to and might necessitate staying overnight somewhere - all costly.
The food is rarely something I would choose to eat or pay for.
I'm not a big drinker so that's lost on me - even worse if I end up paying pounds for a soft drink from a bar.
I hate getting 'dressed up' - don't have a wardrobe for it and often have to pay for clothes I am uncomfortable in.
I may end up seated on a table where I know no-one and have to make awkward polite conversation.

And yet I do it because I want to show individuals they matter to me and that I care about them.

If you're acting as though I'm choosing to attend your 'event' and must pay to do so at the cost of several hundred pounds then you can get lost.

I have that problem now. A good friend will get married soon, is asking money/cash and there won't be food, only finger food.

I think it's too much to ask money when you won't get food or chairs (just standing tables), but if I don't go I think the friendship will be over. I really dread that wedding.

babyjellyfish · 12/09/2022 09:59

I think it's fine not to give a present, especially if you've made it clear that you don't expect one, but I would never not give a card.

It might be a generational thing though.

SecretVictoria · 12/09/2022 10:02

I hate requests for money. An old friend of mine got married a couple of months ago. Asked for money for a holiday. She earns about 5x what I do, she can afford to pay for her own bloody holiday!

StoppinBy · 12/09/2022 10:05

OrlaOrka · 11/09/2022 07:36

Also it’s the absolute norm to ask for money in the place of gifts these days. Couples live together they don’t need the traditional gifts. Weddings are expensive, generally costs £75 per head and up! So not tacky, just a change that’s happened with this generation, anyone that’s saying they genuinely wouldn’t want anything from a guest like a card/present/money is just up on their high horse. And if they really mean it then you are a better person than I am 🤣

Very rude of you to say that.

We genuinely meant it, as a guest at our wedding we wanted you there to celebrate and enjoy our wedding day with us, not to gift us with things.

Not everyone sees their friends and family as cash cows.

sheepdogdelight · 12/09/2022 10:43

SecretVictoria · 12/09/2022 10:02

I hate requests for money. An old friend of mine got married a couple of months ago. Asked for money for a holiday. She earns about 5x what I do, she can afford to pay for her own bloody holiday!

I do think people often ask for money because they know if they ask for "no presents" some guests will still insist that they have to give something.

It was certainly the case at our wedding. We specified "no gifts" and I'd say about a third of people still gave us a gift, a third gave money/vouchers and the rest actually did what we'd asked and gave us nothing.

Crunchingleaf · 12/09/2022 11:19

Olivie12 · 12/09/2022 09:52

I have that problem now. A good friend will get married soon, is asking money/cash and there won't be food, only finger food.

I think it's too much to ask money when you won't get food or chairs (just standing tables), but if I don't go I think the friendship will be over. I really dread that wedding.

Show quote history

Honestly, I know there is this new trend of saying it’s your day so do it your way. It’s pure selfish BS. I hate hearing about weddings like this because it means no thought or consideration has gone into the guests and whether they have a good time. I can see why your dreading the wedding.

If you are getting married your guests may have to travel, take time off work or give up valuable leisure time, get a babysitter, get dressed up etc to attend your wedding. You are the host of the event and your guests are there to celebrate with you and enjoy themselves.
When planning our wedding we had two things we wanted to get right and that was food and music. This is where our budget went as it directly impacted our guests. We cut back in other areas such as wedding transport and flowers as who notices that stuff… nobody. The next morning we had guests telling us they were still stuffed from all the food we had on offer.
Honestly if you don’t put thought into making sure your guests are looked then they aren’t going to enjoy themselves and it will take from the atmosphere on the day. People have given up their valuable time to be with you on the day, look after them.

Olivie12 · 12/09/2022 12:31

@Crunchingleaf exactly, if you are inviting people, then you should care everyone has a good time; moreover if you're asking money.

That day I work so have to get annual leave from work, buy dress up for me and DH, "pay" for our attendance which I know will be awkward because don't know her extended family or other friends. I did tell her it would be awkward for people like me and she just dismissed it saying that I'm going with my DH.

I guess if you can't afford food then make a smaller wedding but well done or don't do anything, not like this. Unfortunately, she's over sensitive and takes things to heart.

If they didn't ask money I'd be more generous and buy a nice gift but like this I feel pressured so will give the minimum. Now she told me the finger food price per head so I feel I have to give over that price. Mini nightmare.