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Original poster

Would you attend a wedding and not even give a card ?

228 replies

bridezilllaaaa · 10/09/2022 19:49

I got married not long ago. I had around 90 guests.

I had a card box on display, but noticed that around 20 guests didn't even give us a card.

I didn't have a present list or anything like that. The invitation specified that no presents were required, but if people did want to give something, then cash would be appreciated. (Worded much nicer than that ).

I definitely didn't expect money from everyone, but perhaps a card ?

We gave wedding favours etc. We had no distinction between evening and day guests etc. We just had everyone join us for the entire day.

OP posts:
MardyBumm · 10/09/2022 21:40

When I got married last year, only one family arrived with no card or present. They were one of the biggest expenses for the wedding because they had so many teenage children and our venue charged adult prices over 12. I wouldn't have minded but they are millionaires. I would have been happy with a card and a bunch of flowers.

PinkArt · 10/09/2022 21:44

@Lucyintheskywithrubies That's just really sad, isn't it. Maybe I'll change my mind if I get married and become a grabby nightmare but I would just want my favourite people to be there to be part of the celebration. I love getting presents, don't get me wrong, but I'd never assume someone should give me one, especially if I've said I'm not expecting them. I would be mortified if my decision to marry meant anyone felt guilted into spending money they can't really afford.

AlrightAlrightAlrightMatthewMcConaughey · 10/09/2022 21:47

Very rude to not give a card

starfishmummy · 10/09/2022 21:47

Is it a generational thing? No cards from older people?? At one time cards were only sent by people who could not attend, if you were there, you didn't give one.

deedledeedledum · 10/09/2022 21:52

sofap · 10/09/2022 20:01

OP you said don't bring presents and in my book, that means there's no need for cards either.

Maybe I'm biased though because I hate cards. Any type of cards, birthday, Christmas, congratulations, commiserations. Maybe I'm boring but they just seem so pointless.

Me too. I literally close to hate cards. They are just glitter and environmental waste.

AFineBalance · 10/09/2022 21:54

bridezilllaaaa · 10/09/2022 20:10

You're right. I'm actually really grateful they turned up. And I personally absolutely hate giving cards and never give them. But I would do for a wedding for sure. That's the only Situation I would give a card.

Show quote history

YABU. You hate cards and you said no presents. Now you want both these things? P

Womencanlift · 10/09/2022 22:01

bridezilllaaaa · 10/09/2022 20:58

@GretaVanFleet it's completely normal where we come from to ask for money.

Your decision to get married and have a fancy wedding is just that, yours

Expecting it to be a financial transaction with your nearest and dearest is just crass

Maybe your guests realise that since you said you didn’t want anything and they are about to enter a challenging time financially then they would take you at their word

You could argue back then they should have declined the invitation which is true but we know how politics weddings get so maybe they felt they couldn’t without it causing family ructions

If they were going to just have a card wishing you well with no gift to go alongside it, maybe they thought it was more personal to say it in person to you at your wedding

BecauseICan22 · 10/09/2022 22:06

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/09/2022 21:22

I actually called and spoke with 12 separate people and asked if they'd enjoyed the wedding, they said they loved it and that they'd had the best time. I said 'great, could you make a donation to x charity as we've done the same with all of the money we've kindly been given for our wedding'. I left it at that.

That is blisteringly rude. Almost like taking a register of who had given cash and those who hadn't, told to donate to charity. I just can't imagine ever doing that or even wanting to. Yikes.

Not at all. It is blisteringly rude to turn up empty handed at a wedding without even as much as a card to congratulate the couple. Because no one ever wants to say anything as it's 'uncomfortable', rude people get away with a lot.

These 12 individuals are all financially very comfortable and we didn't require a gift but to not even acknowledge our day with a congratulations meant that their rude behaviour was right to be highlighted and a wonderful charity benefitted.

I don't have time for bullshitters and so I always, politely, highlight their behaviour.

Dreamingcats · 10/09/2022 22:06

I would never go to a wedding empty handed. But lots of people didn't give us so much as a card, including my adult SS and my sibling. I was pretty hurt.

Newnameoldme2022 · 10/09/2022 22:13

@BecauseICan22 sorry but I agree with PP that what you did was excruciatingly rude. And I’m certain most would agree.

We also asked for charity donations for our wedding but just asked people to give straight to the charity and didn’t dream of ‘tracking it’.

They made the effort to attend your day as guests - they don’t ‘owe’ you anything. I actually can’t believe you phones them afterwards to ‘highlight’ their behaviour.

Newnameoldme2022 · 10/09/2022 22:14

@BecauseICan22 and some people didn’t give us cards but tbh who cares!

CapMarvel · 10/09/2022 22:18

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Cards are a stupid waste of paper.

willingtolearn · 10/09/2022 22:21

@BecauseICan22 I disagree utterly with you and your actions.

People took time and effort to attend your wedding , and no doubt congratulated you in person.

That should be enough - is it not why you invited them.

Or did you invite them purely so they could donate to your chosen charity and you could feel good about your generosity off the back of others.

A gift is defined as "a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present."

It is not something to be demanded because you think someone owes you.

GirlOfTudor · 10/09/2022 22:23

If an invite said nothing is required, I would expect a lot of people to follow that. I love giving cards, however, so always give cards on special occasions.

Smilingwithfangs · 10/09/2022 22:26

MardyBumm · 10/09/2022 21:40

When I got married last year, only one family arrived with no card or present. They were one of the biggest expenses for the wedding because they had so many teenage children and our venue charged adult prices over 12. I wouldn't have minded but they are millionaires. I would have been happy with a card and a bunch of flowers.

But you wouldn’t have been happy with a card or a bunch of flowers clearly because if so then why is the fact they are millionaires relevant?
you clearly expected a gift commensurate with their wealth.
Why? Why did it matter how much their kids cost you? You either invited them as a family or you didn’t.
if their wealth and how much they cost you was a factor then charge your guests on a sliding scale according to what they earn and be honest about it.

Daisymae55 · 10/09/2022 22:26

If it makes you feel better my MIL didn’t give us a card let alone a gift 😂

GretaVanFleet · 10/09/2022 22:27

bridezilllaaaa · 10/09/2022 20:58

@GretaVanFleet it's completely normal where we come from to ask for money.

I appreciate it’s the norm but you pay for an all bells and whistles wedding then effectively get money back from the guests. Did the gifts of cash cover the expense of the bar bill?

Atmywitsend29 · 10/09/2022 22:30

It's rude to expect gifts!

We asked for no gifts at our wedding, specified we wanted "presence over presents". But we actually meant it.

Many people my age don't expect cards and presents, and many of us hold the same opinion over cards (wasteful, pointless, damaging to the environment)

BecauseICan22 · 10/09/2022 22:34

willingtolearn · 10/09/2022 22:21

@BecauseICan22 I disagree utterly with you and your actions.

People took time and effort to attend your wedding , and no doubt congratulated you in person.

That should be enough - is it not why you invited them.

Or did you invite them purely so they could donate to your chosen charity and you could feel good about your generosity off the back of others.

A gift is defined as "a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present."

It is not something to be demanded because you think someone owes you.

Your opinion is fine but it really doesn't make any difference to me.

I was and am very at peace with my actions and I'd repeat them again, in a heartbeat.

FWIW, we matched our wedding donation with our own cash gift. The charity in question was a local hospice for terminally ill children and their families.

I'm VERY happy with what I did.

HollaHolla · 10/09/2022 22:35

I have a family member who is still talked about, regarding his behaviour at a cousin’s wedding. He and his family didn’t RSVP, but still turned up - him, his wife, and two kids under 10. Additional food/chairs/etc. all had to be rustled up! Then, some months later, there was a discussion about nice cards/interesting gifts (no grabbyness - more, oh that’s a lovely ornament), and our cousin said ‘Y’know, we didn’t even get a card from X, even after all of the running around to accommodate them.’

I find THAT epically rude.

YourUserNameMustBeAtLeast3Characters · 10/09/2022 22:39

We had some guests not give us a card or a gift. But the card box wasn’t a locked type, and the person who was tasked with taking it away to somewhere safe at a certain point didn’t (we did get it out somewhere else but quite late I’m the evening) so I never knew if it was stolen or not.

A bit awkward with the thank you cards, we did a thank you for joining us on our day type message for those people.

Newnameoldme2022 · 10/09/2022 22:41

@BecauseICan22 but why do you feel that you have the right to shame your guests into parting with money for charity just because they attended your wedding?

Surely you got married and plan your wedding because you were in love and wanted to celebrate with people you love? Not as a money maker for your local hospice.

I suspect these guests will have cringed at your behaviour rather than felt guilty.

KILM · 10/09/2022 22:55

So im 30 and went to my first wedding at 26. Had no idea about the card thing. Didnt notice any cards or presents. Then i was a bridesmaid a couple of years later and got told off by my mum when she asked me what i got the couple and i looked at her blankly. Literally never even crossed my mind you'd give someone a card. People are already paying for outfits/travel/hotel/drinks, to want cards and presents on top of that just seems really demanding?? I have learnt its tradition now though. Still dont fully understand why.

sicklycolleague · 10/09/2022 23:03

I went to a wedding in the summer and didn’t take a card — or a gift for that matter. However, the wedding was arranged at ultra short notice so I was very clear with the groom (the bride I’d not yet met) that I’d send them a gift in the weeks / months to come, which I will.

You have up to a year to send a gift and they’ve only just come back from their honeymoon; I feel no guilt about this and since we are still in very close touch I really don’t think it’s dented our friendship at all.

Thank-yous are one thing but I honestly can’t imagine tracking or bollocking people for not giving a gift.

sicklycolleague · 10/09/2022 23:04

(Or a card - what are you going to do with it?)