Would you attend a wedding and not even give a card ?

[bridezilllaaaa]

I got married not long ago. I had around 90 guests.

I had a card box on display, but noticed that around 20 guests didn't even give us a card.

I didn't have a present list or anything like that. The invitation specified that no presents were required, but if people did want to give something, then cash would be appreciated. (Worded much nicer than that ).

I definitely didn't expect money from everyone, but perhaps a card ?

We gave wedding favours etc. We had no distinction between evening and day guests etc. We just had everyone join us for the entire day.

Right. So you did expect gifts.
That's fine, but don't tell people with poetry or otherwise, not to bother.

It's just what most people do nowadays

In other words, it has been normalised to give weird contradictory messages, to stage increasingly unaffordable weddings and then expect people to outlay money that they can't always afford (hence the transactional nature, we spend a lot so you spend a lot ) but then get judged if they abide by the message that their presence is the important thing.

Oh god is this a faux pas? Our friends recently got married, asked for donations to a charity if we wished to do something, which we did. I didn’t get them a card,it never occurred to me.

I wouldn't worry about a card as you've already taken the effort to send them a cash gift. Some people do neither!

Wedding etiquette, eh? What a load of old bollocks the whole thing is.

@bridezilllaaaa I may be misunderstanding you but the only people I’ve given cash gifts to for birthdays are my younger brothers, and even then I think only on one birthday. Give gifts at christenings / birthdays / weddings and anniversaries but certainly not cash

And I would take wine for the host or chocolates or something nice to dinner but again, never cash

Thought more about this and i still really dont understand it. (Suspected autism here but also just not from a very traditional family so a lot of rituals go over my head) Why is it rude? Can someone explain why its rude?
To me, you're the one whose invited them as a guest, to something that costs them money to attend, why would you want them to do more?

Im really sad to see people on here who are 'shocked' and 'annoyed' that people didnt bring a gift/card. If you dont know its a tradition, if its your first wedding and you like me dont have a family that goes in for these things, if its not the done thing in your culture, if you dont have the money or you're neurodiverse or struggling mentally or environmentally concerned or literally just think its an outdated tradition.... there's a whole load of reasons people might not do it but you'd think less of someone you care enough to invite to your wedding over them not giving you a card or present??

I understand in the old days people gave stuff to couples to set up their new home etc But if you can afford a wedding you dont need more money?

I genuinely do not understand this. I'd just be so grateful people came? Its peoples presence you want, surely?

I think asking for money is a bit tricky, you think many things as a guest. Example, you feel the need to give much more than your food would have cost, like we are then in charge of paying our share of the wedding. I would feel more comfortable with a gift registry and people can choose how much to spend.

However, if I accepted to attend I would respect your decision and try to give a good amount but it is awkward.

I guess the people who didn't leave a card would have felt more ashamed to leave a card with no money, like more in the spot.

What's wrong with giving someone a gift / money / a card anyway ? It's what you do at weddings / birthday parties / christenings / when you're invited over to someone's house for dinner.

Nothing is wrong with giving a card, although I don't give money as gifts very often at all, other to maybe the odd gift for an older niece/nephew type relationships.

However, your invitation told people not to give a gift. So people didn't.

If you don't mean it, don't write it.

You clearly did expect a gift (as it's what people do) so why did you tell people they didn't need to bring one?

Don't worry, it's not just you - I also think this is ridiculous. Presents used to be given in ye olde worlde days to set up home for young couples who didn't live together, but I think if you can afford thousands, or tens of thousands plus, on a wedding then you don't really need that!

Like the card giving - no one gave them years ago because the rules of etiquette said you don't; then card manufacturers decided they wanted to make more money so now they've convinced people there's some kind of etiquette behind giving them instead.

It's just a money spinner really! A heartfelt thanks in person or via phone or email are worth as much, if not more, and it costs nothing (people are really struggling now, so this SHOULD be a consideration, if it isn't you're a bad host), and it's a small step to cutting back on landfill and the destruction of the forests. Wins all round!

Those "we don't want presents but money would be appreciated" messages seem so disingenuous to me. You're saying you want money, not a load of tat, rather than genuinely saying you don't want presents. The silly little poems are vomit inducing.

Attending a wedding has always been really expensive for me so the amounts of money that're "standard" to give really add to that. Feels like you're buying a ticket. That money could be spent on so many other higher priority things for people and I'm not sure couples appreciate that.

Your expensive wedding was your choice. Your guests are invited because you want their company on a special day, not their hard earned cash, surely?

Possibly the most sensible post I’ve ever read on here.

It's tacky to show up to a wedding without even so much as a card. Can't believe people have actually done that

i know somebody who does this because apparently he is too skint yet has money for weed but has no shame in saying it.

I guess they thought we wouldn't notice as had so many other gifts/cards

i'm not married but talked to enough couples after the wedding and it's ALWAYS noticed who didn't give.

That being said, a friend of mine never cashed a cheque I gave her for her wedding. I asked her about it because I thought the card must've gone missing. I also didn't want her to think I'd given nothing. She was very coy about it and never cashed it

why wouldn't you just give cash? I can't imagine giving a cheque as a present. It's a bit too formal.

Agree. Asking for cash feels like they want to recover the money spent on the wedding!

Any party I would show up with a gift but very uncomfortable with cash. Next they (bride/groom) will be judging if I gave money proportional to my financial status. I'm seriously thinking if I should attend a friend's wedding for this reason.

I’m Irish and honestly you’d never be able to show your face in society again if you came to a wedding with anything less than 150 in a card never mind coming with your arms swinging

I'm Irish too and as I said upthread I know people here who have no shame in not giving anything. I know 1 person who give as few scratch cards... People here do it.

But how do you know if the present will be appropriate or useful or not something they have two of already?

I got married many, many years ago when the tradition was to make a list of things you would like. Of course we didn't distribute the list, we just gave it to people who actually asked for it. Also we only included fairly modestly priced items like towels and crockery, certainly no big ticket things like white goods. Other people we knew would have a list at a department store and the staff would manage this and know who bought what.

Most people bought off the list but some people bought us other presents they obviously thought we would find useful or decorative. We got a large collection of Pyrex casseroles and quite a few somewhat weird items. The two that spring to mind 30-odd years on are a silver plated sugar shaker and a large limited edition print of the Red Arrows taking off on a misty morning.

Yes we did keep a note of who sent what. Of course we did. How else could we properly word the thank you letters?

I actually think the modern approach of specifying money is very practical and sensible. Especially if the couple have already set up home and have many of the basics. And giving cash is easier for the guest too. I would never turn up without card and gift - money if requested.

That's what we're doing!

When the time came we sort of knew who might do this and we where proved right. Sad really.

Think I’m in the minority here. Yes, I’d take a card but don’t give cash. A wedding I went to this year cost the couple about £30k - it’s absolutely their choice to prioritize and spend that amount of money on their wedding. I spent several hundred pounds on the hen party, dress, travel, accommodation and if there was an added expectation to give £100+ cash gifts you’re getting to a lot of money.

As a PP said, when weddings were for young couples setting up home together for the first time, gifts made a lot of sense. But when couples have a house full of everything they need, the luxury to spend £30k on a wedding and have a swanky honeymoon, people’s presence to celebrate with them, their love and good wishes should be enough. And if it’s not, I’d be questioning the purpose of that friendship and the wedding!

Does it really matter though? I genuinely can’t tell you who got us a card or present as it doesn’t matter at all. The guests being there is the important bit.

"No gifts but you can give us cash" sends out a pretty mixed message.

As you can see from this thread, plenty of people don't do cards these days for a host of reasons, others keep them forever in scrapbooks. More would interpret "no gifts" as no card as well. I'm an age where even on "no gifts" I'd take a card and a token but I find it odd to keep a check list of who brought cards.

However the PP who used their wedding to do a bit of post event chugging is definitely on another level of CFery.

I got married last year, one of DH's colleges didn't give us a card, and both him and his partner left at a random time without even saying goodbye, it was only after that we noticed. We were invited to there reception last night, thought long and hard about it (he's been a bit of a nib at work recently) and we extended the courtesy to them as they did to us, though DH did put in for the collection at work and sign the work card

DH did put in for the collection at work and sign the work card
Which is all you would be expected to do. Not getting an extra card on top of that isn't the snub you seem to want it to be.