Would you attend a wedding and not even give a card ?

[bridezilllaaaa]

I got married not long ago. I had around 90 guests.

I had a card box on display, but noticed that around 20 guests didn't even give us a card.

I didn't have a present list or anything like that. The invitation specified that no presents were required, but if people did want to give something, then cash would be appreciated. (Worded much nicer than that ).

I definitely didn't expect money from everyone, but perhaps a card ?

We gave wedding favours etc. We had no distinction between evening and day guests etc. We just had everyone join us for the entire day.

Very rude not to give a card. I'd always leave a card and some cash.

If I receive an invitation that says "no gifts" I heed that instruction.

Also, in traditional etiquette, well-wishers have up to one year to give a wedding gift to newlyweds. (that is NOT the case for thank-you letters, which should go out by return post or as fast as possible, despite what some gift recipients think...)

I hate this type of thing. I think my friends group were three or four children in before I realised that apart from our big joint present (where people complained if the gift required more than say £20 each), everyone apart from me had been giving their own separate gift and card!

Maybe they have far less money than you do? Maybe they had to spend several hundred pounds on attending your big day to celebrate you and your future-spouse which they could ill-afford and therefore gratefully took you at your word when you said nothing extra required?

I'm always v happy for my friends that get married - but I will not be getting married myself, and honestly find the expectation for money/gifts etc just odd - your decision to spend money on a celebration, how can you expect stuff back from your guests?

I'd usually give a card (and tbh usually money I can't afford as I feel pressured into it) but sometimes I'd feel embarrassing giving a card with no money in it (as highlighted by all of you posters above saying it's rude) as I'd feel it would draw attention to it, so would maybe just not give anything...

We had people not even give a card too. One of them was my own dad. I was so disappointed and hurt. It takes very little effort to write in a card.

That's fair enough. I hadn't thought that maybe they didn't give a card because they didn't want to give one without money.

Did they not offer their congratulations in person, though? Did you need a card to say the same thing (probably more insincerely)?

@GretaVanFleet it's completely normal where we come from to ask for money.

Did you get any actual gifts? Wondering if some gave a gift instead and didn’t give a card. Personally no I’d never attend a wedding and not give a present / cash. To not even give a card I’d say is downright rude. Even if people can’t afford a present or cash due to spending quite a bit on the wedding anyway (travel, outfits, time off work etc) a card is less than £1 in the factory shop

BecauseIcan22 I love your forthright style!
At the recent wedding I was involved with, the bride and groom really didn't want presents but most guests were determined to give something, so the bride and groom decided on a charity and donations were made in their name.
My experience is that younger people often don’t bother so much with cards these days: environmental concerns & communication via social media, I think. The few guests who didn't do charity donation were mostly younger but 4 couples purchased 'experience' vouchers, meal, zip-wire etc. and 3 guests made thoughtful gifts.
Those posters saying they don't monitor who bought what, do you not bother with thank you's either? Rude imo.

If you said no gifts to me that includes anything, including cards, so you really shouldn’t be surprised! But personally no I wouldn’t go without a gift.
As an aside I’ve taken to bringing the signed card - opened - and an blank cheque. Once we went to a wedding and gave a large cash gift. The invitation made it known we were going to have a meal there, and it was sit down. The waiter came by with one skewer of maybe two chunks of chicken, a mushroom and an onion. I thought oh nice appetizer…no That was the meal!
We had given them a large cash gift, but now I go with a blank cheque, and if we have to stop for food on the way home I’m not giving them $200!

We had several guests give no card or present, and some who gave cards but no presents. And others who gave a very low value presents (eg £5 garden centre voucher) when in all cases their financial situations are very much stable and they regularly spend money on fripperies, nights out etc. In some of these cases we'd bought presents for them quite recently too. It was actually quite upsetting to see how little they must think of us.

God, it's a minefield, isn't it?
I have a colleague getting married soon and she's said no gifts - should we have a whip round or not?

@sheepdogdelight of course he was there, but he refused to do a speech, didn't get up to dance with me and didn't give a card, yet at my sisters wedding two years before he danced with her, made a speech, had a beautiful hand cut paper card made for her and played piano for them as they signed the register. He did absolutely nothing for me at all. It still hurts

I wouldn't turn up empty handed. At our own wedding we knew some of DH's guests were on the dodgy side so had to ask staff to watch the card 'postbox' by keeping it behind the bar. At some point a waitress moved it out and I'll always wonder to this day if the 20 or so 'missing' cards were nicked or just not given in the first place. There was no way to ask a guest if they did bring a card without sounding rude or ungrateful and sending thank you cards was difficult to word. In the end we scrapped the idea of sending personalised thank yous and went for generic thank you for coming wordings.

Last thing you need after a wedding is extra, post-wedding stress. People who don't bring cards (empty cards is fine with me, I didn't want or need gifts) are rude in my opinion.

I couldn't afford to give anything when I attended a uni friend's wedding when I was in my 20s. The choice really was being there or a gift, not both.
I pre-booked the cheapest train tickets, booked a very cheap hotel for the night, owned everything I wore already. I think I managed it for just under £100 all in. I knew how much she wanted me to be there so made my budget work for that, but it wouldn't stretch further. I have a feeling I would have taken a card, but I'm a card person and lots of people aren't these days. You may have guests who are finding themselves in a similar situation given what is happening financially at the moment.
Plus you literally told them you didn't want anything - please don't blame them for taking you at your word!!!

Of course you make a list, in order to thank people appropriately.

Tbh, my brother asked me to get our own Dad a wedding card for him, the morning of the wedding 🤦🏻‍♀️ it is still currently sat in my brothers glove box today, nearly a year later 😂
I wouldn't turn up to a wedding without atleast a card, I find it a little disrespectful tbh but that's just me

I genuinely would not be able to remember who did or did not give a card or a present at our wedding. Feels pretty tacky to be so concerned about it, and a bit disingenuous to say 'all we require is your presence' when clearly that's not true.

To be honest, people spend so much actually attending weddings these days - outfits, travel, accommodation, childcare - and if you say you don't want any gifts, I'd kind of assume you weren't that fussed about cards either. I mean, what are you actually going to do with the cards? Keep them all in a box, probably never look at them again? Seems pretty wasteful to me. When we got married we said people didn't need to give presents, so they didn't - don't remember many cards either, wasn't bothered at all, I was just happy that people made the effort to spend the day celebrating with us. Can't imagine getting all wound up about who did and didn't get us a present or card. Also agree with pp - have always found requests for cash towards honeymoons etc. a bit tacky.

Personally no I wouldn’t turn up without a card. But it really annoys me when people say “no gifts, but if you want to give us cash”. I hate the presumptuous of it all. You wouldn’t do it for a birthday - it would be incredibly rude! At our wedding we wrote nothing about gifts on the invite. Every single person gave us something for which we were very grateful but had no expectations.

I actually called and spoke with 12 separate people and asked if they'd enjoyed the wedding, they said they loved it and that they'd had the best time. I said 'great, could you make a donation to x charity as we've done the same with all of the money we've kindly been given for our wedding'. I left it at that.

That is blisteringly rude. Almost like taking a register of who had given cash and those who hadn't, told to donate to charity. I just can't imagine ever doing that or even wanting to. Yikes.

Maybe issue an invoice in future?

@PinkArt i know some who messaged all their guests after the wedding to ask who had donated to the travel agent and how much, because they needed to “track it” or some such bollocks. This person also demanded the bridesmaids buy really expensive shoes, everyone go to expensive hen weekend etc.

So you are considering it a pay per ticket concept? If it had been a budget wedding would have thought it more ok for people to abide by the no gift request?

all so grabby and transactional