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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL is really miserable

252 replies

UppityDIL · 10/09/2022 16:32

DIL has a few mental health issues and takes numerous medication. She sometimes appears very quiet and vacant, I understand this is probably the side effects of her medication.

DH and I are always friendly and ask her if she’s ok, try and make polite conversation etc. Last week they visited and she was particularly ‘off’. I asked if she was ok and she just glanced and muttered something then looked away. She spent the rest of the visit silent.

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

We have tried to support her but she won’t discuss anything with us, which of course is her choice, but makes it harder for us to understand and support her.

Today we were at a family function and she blanked both DH and I. We tried to make conversation and she just looked at us like something she’d trodden in and ignored us.

DH said to DS why is she so rude to us? And he said because she felt we should apologise for suggesting she shouldn’t visit if she’s going to sit there in silence.

im not sure who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
saraclara · 10/09/2022 16:56

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

You put that terribly and made it all about you.

"Is DIL okay? She didn't seem to be comfortable or want to talk at all the other day, so I was worried about her. If she's finding it hard to socialise at the moment, we'll quite understand if she prefers to stay home. I'd hate her to feel obliged to visit when she's not up to it" ...would have been a much more considerate and tactful conversation.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:56

Norriscolesbag · 10/09/2022 16:55

She has ‘mental health issues’ OP… unfortunately for you this gives her the right to be as rude as she likes and everyone else’s feelings/ mental health mean jack shit in comparison. Catch up 😂

I don’t doubt many people suffer genuinely with mental health by the way. But it shouldn’t be an excuse to be selfish or rude.

So what’s the ops excuse. She did much worse and first all the woman did was ignore her. And good for her.

FictionalCharacter · 10/09/2022 16:56

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:42

If she’s Ill I think you’re being a big shitty. So sorry her illness makes you uncomfortable

This. People with mental illness can't make it go away so that it doesn't annoy other people.

Midlifemusings · 10/09/2022 16:56

BatshitBanshee · 10/09/2022 16:48

If she was in pain with an illness you could see physically there'd be more sympathy and understanding... But because it's a mental health issue most people say it's all in that person's head and how it makes them uncomfortable.

Yes YABU to say that to your son.

Lots of people would also be uncomfortable with a visitor writhing in physical pain and distress, and might also suggest they stay home until they feel better.

OP - can you find other things to discuss or a distraction (like putting on a movie) that takes the focus off of just sitting there with an uncomfortable presence or silence? I would try to make interactions more active and less conversation focused. Go for a walk or something else that has less awkwardness for both of you.

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:56

Well that's the OPs version. She's suffering with MH issues which she needs to recover from. Nothing to do with being immature

The silent treatment is because she's offended, not because of the MH issues. That's what's immature.

We only have the OP's version so that's the version we have to trust to an extent.

GG1986 · 10/09/2022 16:56

Do you think it's possible that she doesn't feel up to being around family and socialising, but your son is making her go? Has your son told you the full details of her mental health issues?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:57

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:56

Well that's the OPs version. She's suffering with MH issues which she needs to recover from. Nothing to do with being immature

The silent treatment is because she's offended, not because of the MH issues. That's what's immature.

We only have the OP's version so that's the version we have to trust to an extent.

And she’s right to be offended and go no contact

Earlystartsmakemegrumpy · 10/09/2022 16:57

Norriscolesbag · 10/09/2022 16:55

She has ‘mental health issues’ OP… unfortunately for you this gives her the right to be as rude as she likes and everyone else’s feelings/ mental health mean jack shit in comparison. Catch up 😂

I don’t doubt many people suffer genuinely with mental health by the way. But it shouldn’t be an excuse to be selfish or rude.

You clearly know. fuck all about MH issues

AnnaMagnani · 10/09/2022 16:58

You need to appreciate that anything you say to your son, will be shared with her.

So asking your son if she could not visit until she spoke more, likely came across to both of them as you being incredibly rude.

Your son is backing her and not you. You need to apologise for the sake of your relationship with both of them.

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:58

And she’s right to be offended and go no contact

Potentially. I don't think she can do that and go to family events though. I think if she's going no contact she needs to do that completely.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:59

Lots of people would also be uncomfortable with a visitor writhing in physical pain and distress, and might also suggest they stay home until they feel better

Watf? If someone was writhing in pain and distress I’d get an ambulance and it’s very different to sitting silently

KosherDill · 10/09/2022 16:59

Guests have responsibilities. If one is going to accept hospitality, one owes it to one's host to make reasonable conversation and appear to take an interest in the activities of the day.

If she's not interested in doing so, or not capable of doing so, yeah, she should decline the invitation. Sitting there like a zombie at the home of hosts is rude.

If she really is not capable of social interaction, perhaps her counseling/medical regime needs to be stepped up. But I wouldn't want someone who refused to speak with me to be spending any significant amount of time in my home, DIL or not.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 10/09/2022 16:59

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

Fuck me, that's horrendous.

allinatizzy · 10/09/2022 17:00

It's no surprise she dislikes you after you suggested she shouldn't come to your house. Her silence may not be entirely due to her mental illness, but regardless of that, you can't essentially make someone unwelcome in your home and then expect to be treated as a friend.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 17:00

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 16:58

And she’s right to be offended and go no contact

Potentially. I don't think she can do that and go to family events though. I think if she's going no contact she needs to do that completely.

I don’t. I don’t think at all she can’t go to wider family events

CallMeBettyBoop · 10/09/2022 17:00

YABVVVU, OP.

Your poor DIL.

Here - I think you deserve one of these Biscuit

Perpop · 10/09/2022 17:00

Your username? Seriously, poor girl dealing with you.

girlmom21 · 10/09/2022 17:01

@Wisteriaroundthedoor that's fair enough. And it sounds like the OP's son is supporting her too so there's probably a back story

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 17:01

KosherDill · 10/09/2022 16:59

Guests have responsibilities. If one is going to accept hospitality, one owes it to one's host to make reasonable conversation and appear to take an interest in the activities of the day.

If she's not interested in doing so, or not capable of doing so, yeah, she should decline the invitation. Sitting there like a zombie at the home of hosts is rude.

If she really is not capable of social interaction, perhaps her counseling/medical regime needs to be stepped up. But I wouldn't want someone who refused to speak with me to be spending any significant amount of time in my home, DIL or not.

Good lord she was visiting her in laws not having dinner at her bosses house

how do people like you have so little comprehension of family and mental illness?

Norriscolesbag · 10/09/2022 17:02

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 16:56

So what’s the ops excuse. She did much worse and first all the woman did was ignore her. And good for her.

Show quote history

‘Not good for her’ in my opinion. This is her husband’s family- in real life you should make an effort. Unless someone was critically ill or on the verge of being extremely psychologically unwell (where they should be in hospital) then I’d at least expect them to make some small talk- it’s the type of basics of what we would expect of small children really. If they were completely silent despite an effort from one side then I would wonder what on earth was up- of course people will comment. I’d also be concerned for my son. If this was a husband I doubt there would be the same sympathy.

I’m sure when she met her husband she wasn’t mute.

warriorathena · 10/09/2022 17:02

It might benefit your understanding of mental health issues if you read up on the impact they can have on the individual as it sounds like you don't fully grasp the gravity of it. Yes she can appear rude but it's the illness doing this. Some compassion would go a long way to improve your relationship with your son and DIL

Sharrowgirl · 10/09/2022 17:03

What mental health problem makes you be rude to your in laws?

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 17:04

Norriscolesbag · 10/09/2022 17:02

‘Not good for her’ in my opinion. This is her husband’s family- in real life you should make an effort. Unless someone was critically ill or on the verge of being extremely psychologically unwell (where they should be in hospital) then I’d at least expect them to make some small talk- it’s the type of basics of what we would expect of small children really. If they were completely silent despite an effort from one side then I would wonder what on earth was up- of course people will comment. I’d also be concerned for my son. If this was a husband I doubt there would be the same sympathy.

I’m sure when she met her husband she wasn’t mute.

Show quote history

Then clearly you’ve limited idea of mental Illness and someone who is so severely Ill they are on multiple medications

Trytoavoidthebastardbus · 10/09/2022 17:05

Posts like this make me glad I haven’t got a MIL! So she didn’t perform to your social norms so you bitch about her to your son!

drpet49 · 10/09/2022 17:05

Norriscolesbag · 10/09/2022 16:55

She has ‘mental health issues’ OP… unfortunately for you this gives her the right to be as rude as she likes and everyone else’s feelings/ mental health mean jack shit in comparison. Catch up 😂

I don’t doubt many people suffer genuinely with mental health by the way. But it shouldn’t be an excuse to be selfish or rude.

This. I agree with you OP

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