DIL is really miserable

[UppityDIL]

DIL has a few mental health issues and takes numerous medication. She sometimes appears very quiet and vacant, I understand this is probably the side effects of her medication.

DH and I are always friendly and ask her if she’s ok, try and make polite conversation etc. Last week they visited and she was particularly ‘off’. I asked if she was ok and she just glanced and muttered something then looked away. She spent the rest of the visit silent.

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

We have tried to support her but she won’t discuss anything with us, which of course is her choice, but makes it harder for us to understand and support her.

Today we were at a family function and she blanked both DH and I. We tried to make conversation and she just looked at us like something she’d trodden in and ignored us.

DH said to DS why is she so rude to us? And he said because she felt we should apologise for suggesting she shouldn’t visit if she’s going to sit there in silence.

im not sure who is being unreasonable?

[SleepingStandingUp]

@Porcupineintherough

@mathanxiety a better parallel would be if the dil had broken her leg and then insisted on joining the family for a hike and then just sat on the ground unable to move. Which again would be unreasonable.

Her sitting in the ground would stop every one else hiking. Dil isn't stopping everyone else socialising.
If the dil with a broken leg didn't feel safe being left home alone so sat in the pub and waited, that would be fine. If the dil with mental health issues doesn't feel safe being left alone so sits in the house quietly, that should be fine

[BadNomad]

Where does it say the DIL is suffering from depression? "Mental health issues" covers a lot of things. She could have BPD, or OCD, or anorexia, or schizophrenia or or or. People will mental illnesses can be dicks too.

[tkwal]

If she is unwell you're being very unreasonable. Would it be doing you any harm for her to sit there quietly as she has done until now ? There are other ways to include someone than by engaging them in full on conversation. If you're making a cup of tea maybe ask her to give you a hand with the cups or something. Even if you end up making one sided inane chat it may help her just to feel included. I think your suggestion about staying at home would have done more harm than good

[Oopsilot]

But there’s a way to say it @ClocksGoingBackwards
look at the previous page to @saraclara version. It’s a lot kinder and more understanding than the op saying ‘don’t come if you don’t want to talk’.

[IWasFunBeforeMum]

YABU to word it like her being silent annoyed you rather than made you concerned why she was quiet.

[WhoisthisBoobadude]

How awful, poor girl

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

@Oopsilot

But there’s a way to say it @ClocksGoingBackwards
look at the previous page to @saraclara version. It’s a lot kinder and more understanding than the op saying ‘don’t come if you don’t want to talk’.

But she didn’t say that directly to her DIL, she said it to her own son! I doubt she expected her son to discuss it with his wife in a way that would lead to her feeling offended.

[eighteenmonthstogo]

As someone married to a man with 'MH issues' (Bipolar and Anxiety) I can tell you right here that MH and fucking rude arsehole behaviour are not mutually exclusive. ! Having MH issues has recently been seen as a 'jet out of jail free card' . It's not.

The reason I know this ? Because if he is required to do something he doesn't fancy (usually family stuff) .. then he will be a moody shitty arse and everyone has to tippytoe around him because he's not well.... and yet, when that obligation is fulfilled and we move on to do something he likes with friends then he is all happiness and light.

It's highly manipulative and extremely annoying. So I like you OP have said 'if it makes you unhappy to spend time with your/my extended family either come and be gracious and make an effort or don't come. Don't ruin it for everyone and make all and sundry tie themselves in knots trying to make you happy . Leave us to it. You will have a better time and so will we. (However I think he continues to come because he likes all the attention. )

[CPL593H]

The OPs username tells us all we need to know.

[Cameleongirl]

@tkwal it really depends on the illness, tbh. With my anxiety, not feeling obliged to visit people is much better, it gives me time to control the anxiety and regroup. I can see that leaving someone suicidal home alone, however, would be the opposite.

[MsRosley]

I was YANBU then I saw your name, UppityDIL, so changed my mind.

[RampantIvy]

As someone married to a man with 'MH issues' (Bipolar and Anxiety) I can tell you right here that MH and fucking rude arsehole behaviour are not mutually exclusive.

I think that a lot of posters don't realise this. As someone with a DD with mental health issues and who has also worked with a colleague with BPD I get what you are saying @eighteenmonthstogo

Having to tread on eggshells around someone all the time is very difficult, regardless of their issues.

[FreyaStorm]

She sounds like hard work.
Mental health issues are no excuse for rudeness.

[KiraKiraHikaru]

@eighteenmonthstogo

As someone married to a man with 'MH issues' (Bipolar and Anxiety) I can tell you right here that MH and fucking rude arsehole behaviour are not mutually exclusive. ! Having MH issues has recently been seen as a 'jet out of jail free card' . It's not.

The reason I know this ? Because if he is required to do something he doesn't fancy (usually family stuff) .. then he will be a moody shitty arse and everyone has to tippytoe around him because he's not well.... and yet, when that obligation is fulfilled and we move on to do something he likes with friends then he is all happiness and light.

It's highly manipulative and extremely annoying. So I like you OP have said 'if it makes you unhappy to spend time with your/my extended family either come and be gracious and make an effort or don't come. Don't ruin it for everyone and make all and sundry tie themselves in knots trying to make you happy . Leave us to it. You will have a better time and so will we. (However I think he continues to come because he likes all the attention. )

Why are you married to this man you dislike so much?

[TellySavalashairbrush]

If she is unwell , surely it would have been more sensible for DIL to stay at home. My mil is a dragon, but I am always polite and at least say hello and ask how she is. I feel for the op .

[RampantIvy]

I think you underestimate how difficult it is to be close to someone with those issues @KiraKiraHikaru.

[KiraKiraHikaru]

No I definitely don’t actually

[ZeroFuchsGiven]

+I havnt RTFT but I am stumped why 56% are saying you are unreasonable.

[Happyher]

Why don’t you just talk to her. Tell her you’re sorry if she was offended but you would just like to understand how she feels and how you should respond when she looks so vacant. Tell her you would love to be supportive but you need her to tell you how.

[Chunkythighss]

I can see this post from the other point of view.

I have suffered from mental health issues and taken medication / had therapy for a long time.

admittedly I did try my hardest to interact with others but it can be extremely difficult and I would often let my husband take the lead in family conversations etc.

it took me a long time to feel confident enough to engage with his family and talk about my emotions.

I think YABU go expect someone to share their ‘troubles’ with you. It can be hard enough for some people to admit their struggles to themselves, let alone someone they’re not related to.

You’ve without a doubt made her feel even more unwelcome by suggesting she shouldnt come. Don’t expect her to ever open up to you after this

[Needsomeadvice33]

I imagine she hates you both

[naomi81]

@Needsomeadvice33

I imagine she hates you both

This....

[Redburnett]

It is not helpful to ask 'are you OK?' when it is obvious someone is not. What is the point of asking a question when the only answer you want to hear is 'Yes'? I have sometimes answered 'no' to this question, and it creates an uneasy atmosphere. I think you need to find a more sensitive way of bringing your DIL into the conversation, be guided by your DS.

[UppityDIL]

We have been more than kind and have tried to be supportive but it’s only met with hostility. Having grown up with people who had MH problems I have realised it has a really negative effect on others too.

she seemed absolutely fine earlier, chatting to plenty of others at the function. We tried to make conversation and were blanked. To me that suggests it is personal and a bit immature.

I was very tactful when I spoke with my DS, it was worded in a way that she shouldn’t feel under pressure to visit, if she’s not having a good day, that’s fine, no problem.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel this is a difficult situation and her issues make things more complex, but other people have feelings too and having MH problems doesn’t give people an automatic right to be rude to others.

[Sunnyqueen]

@eighteenmonthstogo

As someone married to a man with 'MH issues' (Bipolar and Anxiety) I can tell you right here that MH and fucking rude arsehole behaviour are not mutually exclusive. ! Having MH issues has recently been seen as a 'jet out of jail free card' . It's not.

The reason I know this ? Because if he is required to do something he doesn't fancy (usually family stuff) .. then he will be a moody shitty arse and everyone has to tippytoe around him because he's not well.... and yet, when that obligation is fulfilled and we move on to do something he likes with friends then he is all happiness and light.

It's highly manipulative and extremely annoying. So I like you OP have said 'if it makes you unhappy to spend time with your/my extended family either come and be gracious and make an effort or don't come. Don't ruin it for everyone and make all and sundry tie themselves in knots trying to make you happy . Leave us to it. You will have a better time and so will we. (However I think he continues to come because he likes all the attention. )

None of that behaviour has anything remotely to do with bipolar or anxiety. If he's using a diagnosis to manipulate you thats because he's an arsehole. Those are not bipolar symptoms and as thus have nothing to do with a mental health issue and do not relate to the op.