DIL is really miserable

[UppityDIL]

DIL has a few mental health issues and takes numerous medication. She sometimes appears very quiet and vacant, I understand this is probably the side effects of her medication.

DH and I are always friendly and ask her if she’s ok, try and make polite conversation etc. Last week they visited and she was particularly ‘off’. I asked if she was ok and she just glanced and muttered something then looked away. She spent the rest of the visit silent.

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

We have tried to support her but she won’t discuss anything with us, which of course is her choice, but makes it harder for us to understand and support her.

Today we were at a family function and she blanked both DH and I. We tried to make conversation and she just looked at us like something she’d trodden in and ignored us.

DH said to DS why is she so rude to us? And he said because she felt we should apologise for suggesting she shouldn’t visit if she’s going to sit there in silence.

im not sure who is being unreasonable?

She wasn't being actively unpleasant (at least, until OP made her unpleasant comments); she was being silent and withdrawn. I realize that this isn't always comfortable to deal with, but it's no excuse for calling her 'uppitty'.

I feel sorry for the OP. Teenagers can be cruel, and from the OP's description she is being made to feel an object of her DIL's contempt. I wouldn't want to be looked at in a disparaging fashion and then ignored. I think OP is justified in feeling upset.

My MIL is fucking wonderful and i know if anyone wants to go visit her and just sit and not talk then she's amazingly understanding and just accepts it.

Same as my friends, if they feel safe enough to come to me and just sit so they can get out of their own house then I'm more than happy with that. I can't imagine telling someone who I know has MH issues not to visit until they're feeling more sociable

What "unpleasant comments" did the OP make?

I agree. I think both the OP and DIL have been less than polite.

The OP was rather clumsy with her wording about telling her DS that DIL doesn't have to visit if she doesn't want to. DD has had mental health issues, so I know from experience that being around someone with these problems is very hard.

The DIL was very rude to the OP when having been asked if she was OK she glanced, muttered something and looked away, then again by blanking the OP at the family function.

Understanding mental health issues is hard. I know that, and I get the impression that the OP has tried, but isn't getting anywhere, so I can understand why she said what she did.

The user name was a bad judgement call IMO.

But this girl just blanked OP whilst looking at her in contempt!

Your DIL is obviously suffering and now you’ve shown your son that you won’t be supportive of her or him. You’ve pretty much given him a reason to shut you out.

Well done.

'it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation'

You had a massive opportunity to be kind. To make her feel welcome and a part of things, even though she felt like shit. You could have gently included her without forcing anything. Been a warm person. But you chose not to. You chose to make her feel like shit.

Imagine your family were having a tennis match? Your DIL had broken her leg, but she came along anyway and watched the game. Would you think it was appropriate to ring your son afterwards and say that if DIL wasn't prepared to take part in the tennis, then really she shouldn't bother coming along at all.

I wonder whether your DS insisted that she visit you, even though she’s not well? Or perhaps she felt obligated to?

Personally, I think it’s OK for you to say that she shouldn’t feel obliged to visit when she’s not well, just as you wouldn’t expect someone with a physical illness to force themselves to visit. Some posters have suggested that you talk to her about her illness-it’s also quite possible that she doesn’t want to talk to you about it.

Just be kind and give her space, don’t expect her to visit/come to dinners at the moment, it’s too much.

I can sympathise with the OP my DIL has umpteen physical health issues that have affected her mental health.
Whilst I am sympathetic it is really, really hard to live with (DS and DIL live with me and DH) I have to ignore her hostility on multiple occasions, the way she often blanks us, and treat her with kid gloves.
I honestly think she has no conception how much she upsets us, but I would no more tell her or comment than fly to the moon. She cannot help it and I love her dearly, but it is very wearing all the same.
(Just to add my other DS and his partner lived with us for 6 years and we all got along fine so her behaviour is nothing to do with the way DH and I behave, we are very easy going)

Not until OP has criticized her to her husband, OP's son (who may, of course, have exaggerated her criticisms to cause trouble). Before that, she was withdrawn and uncommunicative, but not actively rude.

And I doubt very much that the DIL looked at her in 'contempt'. Anger, yes. The two are not the same.

If the OP had used the username 'rudeDIL' or 'badtemperedDIL', I might have slightly more sympathy, but 'uppitty' implies that she is treating the DIL as not just impolite, but disrespectful of the OP's position and authority,

Wow, how very callous of you. You are definitely being unreasonable.

YABU. I have mental health issues. Being constantly asked if I am OK is a horrible pressure. Its like being reminded again and again that I am unwell and it's obvious to others.

YABU her illness isn't about you

Tbh I don’t think you can expect something of someone who hasn’t got the capacity to give it. My honest opinion is you should extend understanding. It’s bad enough feeling bad when you can’t help it and when you muster the courage to actually go out it can make it feel worse when you feel the obligation to be ‘on’ and perfectly accommodating.

For example my sibling is high functioning autistic and sometimes she will sit and say nothing and we know she won’t go out of her way to greet people, my cousin had chronic pain and mild agoraphobia and has her issues and I know she may not greet us and may be in her head a bit and she will just listen… likewise I know if I wanted to just sit and listen and no one would be sending a text saying I was miserable and made people feel uncomfortable.

I think if you want things to feel comfortable, at least from my experience, just accept people are all different and just let her be and act as normal. It’s probably a shyt place inside her head. I know it’s uncomfortable but from experience in my family if you just let people come as they are it makes everything a lot more comfortable. I’d talk to your son about this with this in mind and I think it will offer the best resolution tbh.

You said she makes you uncomfortable and not to come over anymore. Of course she doesn't want to talk to you. She made the effort to come despite a MH struggle and you turned your nose up at her.

A lot of people - including you it seems - have no idea how physically debilitating mental illness is. It zones you out. You can hardly think. It's like trying hearing people speaking with your head underwater. If you wouldn;t be judgemental of her being 'out of it' if she was going through a diabetic hypo or an epileptic fit, please don't judge her when she is in the midst of a serious MH episode.

And yes, she will probably be an absolute PITA while she is ill, rude and paranoid. The best way to react is to just be kind and gentle and leave her to her own devices.

It is if OP is being made to feel awful.
Not every behaviour should be excused.

She does sound a bit trying

How did OP turn her nose up at her? She spoke to the parent, not the DIL.
Is the OP not allowed to have feelings about this?
Does MH trump everyone else's happiness?

Why on earth would she feel awful ? She said the DIL makes her uncomfortable and stop coming over, why would she then want to talk to her at a different function?

It's possible to have a grasp of mh issues, and neurodiversities and a whole bunch of stuff and still think it's not OK to go to someone's house and sit there like a bump on a log ignoring your host.DiL needed to make more effort if she's going to visit. OP needs to grow some compassion. Her son could do with a lesson in tact.

you are sadly proving my point. Mental illness is often not about making an effort etc. if someone has serious depression and it on multiple medications then it’s simply not possible sometimes. I’d have hoped that family would still be pleased to see her and understand.

What you said to your son is confusing really. It's fine if she doesn't want to engage in conversation but actually it's not fine because it makes you uncomfortable and so she shouldn't come. Which is it? You weren't really being magnanimous and saying she shouldn't feel like she has to come you were saying her mental illness makes you uncomfortable so please could she just stay at home. Typical brush it under the carpet out of sight out of mind mentality.

If you had said to your son....how is dil? I hope she's ok, please let her know we were so happy to see her but she seemed to be struggling so please let her know she mustn't feel obliged to come along if she or you both want to take some time out. Please let us know what we can do to support her......if you were supportive like that and then she had the hump with you I would say was rude but actually I think with what you explained you were quite rude too.

To try and be nice!