DIL is really miserable

[UppityDIL]

DIL has a few mental health issues and takes numerous medication. She sometimes appears very quiet and vacant, I understand this is probably the side effects of her medication.

DH and I are always friendly and ask her if she’s ok, try and make polite conversation etc. Last week they visited and she was particularly ‘off’. I asked if she was ok and she just glanced and muttered something then looked away. She spent the rest of the visit silent.

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

We have tried to support her but she won’t discuss anything with us, which of course is her choice, but makes it harder for us to understand and support her.

Today we were at a family function and she blanked both DH and I. We tried to make conversation and she just looked at us like something she’d trodden in and ignored us.

DH said to DS why is she so rude to us? And he said because she felt we should apologise for suggesting she shouldn’t visit if she’s going to sit there in silence.

im not sure who is being unreasonable?

[NiceCupOfTea2]

You are being shitty to be honest, you know she has mental health issues and told her if she doesn't engage with you (how you'd like her to) she's not welcome. Not the least bit surprised she blanked you next time she saw you.

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

I really can’t see how anyone thinks you said anything wrong OP.

I completely understand that sometimes when people are mentally I’ll they genuinely can’t talk to people, and if it were someone in my family I would try not to take it personally and be supportive by continuing to be welcoming whatever state that person was in. But I only understand that because I’ve had experience and I wouldn’t assume that everyone could or should.

We’ve nearly all been brought up to have manners and to know that being polite matters, so if someone is behaving in a socially unacceptable way in your home, I think you have fair reason to suggest that the visits are causing discomfort to everyone involved and may be better left for another time.

I’m sure if the son had said that he and his wife benefited from the visits and wanted to still come, the OP would have carried on.

[mathanxiety]

She is ill and doesn't owe you a performance of conviviality.

Her behaviour and demeanour are not about you or directed at you. She can't switch herself on and off or force herself to be polite. Your comment about essentially staying home if she can't perform social graces to your standards was unbelievably crass.

If she had a broken leg would you expect her to joint the family for a hike?

[BadNomad]

Do you have a grandchild named Orion Lark by any chance?

[Nottidaythanks]

This is going to sound rude and it probably is but your generation have not been educated about mental health issues. Things have changed and we now understand how important it is to not judge those struggling. Please don’t take her mental health struggles personally. She is probably trying her best.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You can either right fight or try to smooth this over. You have been rude about her. She was rude to you. As the older adult, you should make the first move.

[Cameleongirl]

I’m diagnosed with GAD and if I’m feeling really anxious ( which happily hasn’t happened for a long while as I’m on medication), I do bow out of social events. I know that I simply can’t cope with conversation and will sit there like a doll just about able to nod and smile. It’s uncomfortable for both me and everyone else.

So personally I would make it crystal clear that your DIL doesn’t need to visit until she wants to, no one’s going to judge or ask questions.

[Maymaymay]

@Taillighttoobright

How did OP turn her nose up at her? She spoke to the parent, not the DIL.
Is the OP not allowed to have feelings about this?
Does MH trump everyone else's happiness?

Sorry - who spoke to the parent

I'm not sure how someone being quiet can impact someone's happiness 🤔 DIL got asked not to come around anymore because she was too quiet. I would also think 'sod off' and make minimal effort if they then tried to talk to me at a different event.

[Twilight7777]

As someone with mental health issues, autism and adhd, I would never behave that way at my in laws house, and if I did I would have got my partner to explain the reason so that there was no awkwardness involved. I’d never sit there in silence. Yes mental health is important, but unless she was having a severe breakdown in that moment there is no need for rudeness

[justasking111]

Mental health issues that's so vague so can't really comment.

[KiraKiraHikaru]

Why does it bother you so much? I have a severe mental illness and sometimes I don’t even have the energy to move my facial muscles to smile. Let alone talk or interact. My in laws still invite me round though because they know how important it is for me not to be sat at home alone. Even if I just curl up on the sofa with my eyes closed they are happy to have me there.

[Cw112]

It sounds like she sometimes isn't in a great place and what you've said is kind if contradictory- on one hand you've said it's fine for her not to make conversation if she's not feeling great, but this post makes clear that's not actually the case. She probably wants to visit, knows you're important to her husband and knows that getting out is good for her mental health even though she maybe doesn't feel up to it at the time. You've probably embarrassed her by saying what you did to your son there was a more tactful way to go about it than that imo but now she's going to feel unwelcome and watched which is going to make her mental health/ anxiety around socialising worse so no wonder you got that reaction next time you saw her. I think you need to accept her as the person she is and take her on the day, if she's not up to speaking and sits silently then let her and take that as a massive compliment that she felt you were important enough to make the effort of visiting in the first place when in such a poor headspace.

[Cameleongirl]

@Twilight7777 Yes, that’s how I feel. If I’m not able to function well, I don’t socialize, because I know it’s awkward for both me and other people. I just say I’m unwell and don’t go.

[Rainallnight]

You were so unkind to her. I hope she has supportive family and friends around.

[Taillighttoobright]

@Maymaymay

Sorry - who spoke to the parent

I'm not sure how someone being quiet can impact someone's happiness 🤔 DIL got asked not to come around anymore because she was too quiet. I would also think 'sod off' and make minimal effort if they then tried to talk to me at a different event.

Ah - think I've got my family tree confused...
But regardless of this, the OP didn't speak directly the the DIL. If her son repeated verbatim what OP said, then that would have been hard for DIL to hear, for sure. I'm assuming he didn't, though - unless he's mad.
I think people are not wanting to acknowledge the contemptuous look and blanking. Which was rude of the DIL. Or was she doing that to everyone at the gathering?

[Taillighttoobright]

@KiraKiraHikaru

Why does it bother you so much? I have a severe mental illness and sometimes I don’t even have the energy to move my facial muscles to smile. Let alone talk or interact. My in laws still invite me round though because they know how important it is for me not to be sat at home alone. Even if I just curl up on the sofa with my eyes closed they are happy to have me there.

Don't you feel awkward and self-conscious when you do this? That's so confident - I wouldn't be able to do that when I'm having a good day, let alone a bad day!

[KiraKiraHikaru]

@Taillighttoobright

Don't you feel awkward and self-conscious when you do this? That's so confident - I wouldn't be able to do that when I'm having a good day, let alone a bad day!

Tbh I don’t feel anything when I’m like this. But my husband won’t leave me alone so I have to go with him and to be honest just hearing peoples normal conversations etc do pull me slightly out of the suicidal mode.

[verdantverdure]

UppityDIL? Is that a reference to this particular DIL?

[Taillighttoobright]

@KiraKiraHikaru

Tbh I don’t feel anything when I’m like this. But my husband won’t leave me alone so I have to go with him and to be honest just hearing peoples normal conversations etc do pull me slightly out of the suicidal mode.

That's quite cool! Good for you and your family!

[Subbaxeo]

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I wouldn’t expect someone with flu to sit there suffering on a duty visit, or someone with a sprained ankle to join me on a hike so think it’s perfectly reasonable for someone who is suffering with mh not to have to do visits either. MH shouldn’t be an excuse to be rude so if you can’t interact in a social situation, it’s best to stay home. Visiting the in laws is one where you do out a ‘face’ on similar to work-would she turn up at work and ignore everyone?

[Porcupineintherough]

@mathanxiety a better parallel would be if the dil had broken her leg and then insisted on joining the family for a hike and then just sat on the ground unable to move. Which again would be unreasonable.

[PissedOff2020]

Blanking them at a family function is behaving like a stroppy teenager - I don’t think this is anything to do with her mental health issues.

[fastandthecurious1]

Poor mental health does not excuse rudeness or nasty behaviour

[SleepingStandingUp]

"your mental health condition is I'm uncomfortable for us, so please don't come to our home until you're well. DS can just leave you at home"

And you need to know who's unreasonable?

[Kfjsjdbd]

When my PIL visit I’m very quiet because they talk at me about conspiracy theories. I’m sure they think I’m being rude but I won’t be drawn into the world of anti vax etc.

I think the fact she is quiet says a lot about you.