DIL is really miserable

[UppityDIL]

DIL has a few mental health issues and takes numerous medication. She sometimes appears very quiet and vacant, I understand this is probably the side effects of her medication.

DH and I are always friendly and ask her if she’s ok, try and make polite conversation etc. Last week they visited and she was particularly ‘off’. I asked if she was ok and she just glanced and muttered something then looked away. She spent the rest of the visit silent.

On the phone later I said to my son, if she doesn’t feel like she wants to engage in conversation that’s fine, but it makes me uncomfortable that she just sits there silently. Maybe she shouldn’t visit if she doesn’t want to engage in conversation and hopefully we can see her when she’s feeling a bit better.

We have tried to support her but she won’t discuss anything with us, which of course is her choice, but makes it harder for us to understand and support her.

Today we were at a family function and she blanked both DH and I. We tried to make conversation and she just looked at us like something she’d trodden in and ignored us.

DH said to DS why is she so rude to us? And he said because she felt we should apologise for suggesting she shouldn’t visit if she’s going to sit there in silence.

im not sure who is being unreasonable?

When I was at my worst I went along to family visits and clung on to my mother's arm in silence mostly.

It was all I could do.

And did you know what @UppityDIL? My relatives were pleased to see me regardless. They respected my attempts.

More power to your DIL for putting a boundary in place after your unforgivable comment.

I’m surprised at th4 number of posters who have no grasp of mental illness. I honestly thought we had moved on from this.

this is a really sad thread,

Does she even want to visit you? Is she under any pressure from your son I wonder. Do you usually get on fine or has there been drama?

Your poor DIL is unwell and you are hassling her to chat to you and making it all about you? It might be better for you to stay out of her way until you can treat her with some care and empathy. You don't have to like her, just respect her.

Exactly.

Effort is required from both sides. the OP says they have tried to be encouraging and supportive and have been blanked in response. Probably best if their son just visits them solo for a while.

Just to talk to her and say that you tried to support her thinking she didn’t want to be there, but that she is very welcome to your house. Don’t apologise though but give your son a dress down for being so tactless at dealing with the situation.

if she continue to ignore you, let her be. There are some sulking people who is better to keep at arms length.

Yes you owe her an apology

Depression for a start?

This thread is absolutely horrifying.

The sheer ignorance.

Sorry Wisteria, quoted you by accident.

She's unwell. Stop being a dick and making it about you!

At @Sharrowgirl , as an example of a soul destroying mental health condition that makes you appear rude.

I think some posters are being overly harsh to the OP.

I have MH issues. It frustrates me that my older relatives sometimes say insensitive things, but not everyone is a MH expert.

it’s a really difficult thing for people to understand when they see someone who appears healthy. It’s an invisible illness and dare I say it can make the sufferer appear rude and selfish.

the OP didn’t say the right thing, but think calling her ‘vile’ is way over the top.

OP- perhaps you should apologise for hurting her feelings? Engage with your DIL and talk about her issues.

It's possible to have a grasp of mh issues, and neurodiversities and a whole bunch of stuff and still think it's not OK to go to someone's house and sit there like a bump on a log ignoring your host.

DiL needed to make more effort if she's going to visit. OP needs to grow some compassion. Her son could do with a lesson in tact.

Your username says it all. You don't care for your DIL. She has a mental illness. Read up on it. It affects people in different ways. She's not trying to be rude. She is on medication and is suffering. She needs your compassion not your criticism. Stop making it about yourself. If you truly wanted to help you would do your research on mental illness and read up on productive ways to help. If you really wanted to help you would be more understanding. One day, you will grow older and your health will deteriorate, God help you if you have issues with mental health one day. Karma is bitch. It's better to be kind.

Eurgh you sound like my MIL who ‘doesn’t understand mental health’ her own words, when her son was suffering with some sort of breakdown!

i think you’re being unreasonable. I bet you would be the type to moan if she didn’t come and see you though wouldn’t you. She can’t win either way.

i don’t blame her for blanking you, I think you need to do some research into mental health issues and have a little bit of understanding or at least try to pretend you do.

DIL has MH issues, goes to visit in-laws & sits in silence for the whole visit, but it's MIL who's being rude & shitty?
I've battled MH issues for years. If I'm at rock bottom, I don't go out. But I wouldn't dream of going to a families house & sit in silence because I wasn't feeling chatty.
MH doesn't give you the right to be rude to whoever you like. MIL is trying but if DIL doesn't engage, what is MIL to do?!

Having a long term chronic condition can be bloody hard, and make you thoroughly miserable and unwell.

However there's a limit to how much unpleasantness you can subject friends and family through before they will inevitably, not being saints, start to find you hard work and not enjoy your company much. Relationships are reciprocal things. As pp says, effort is required from both sides.

The absolute morons on this thread. The majority of people on psychiatric wards constantly demonstrate extremely rude and inconsiderate to other patients behaviour. Telling them they just need to grow up would be as useful as them shitting in their hands and clapping as a treatment.
Having a mental illness can be like having your entire brain and personality taken over and driven by an external force that leads you to behave in ways you never imagined you would. If there was ever an excuse for not being polite, it's that.
Now give yourselves a big pat on the back you've been fortunate enough to be so utterly ignorant. You will anyway.

sometimes a family member might be depressed, autistic, shy, or just socially awkward. There are plenty of reasons that the person may not be the epitome of social companion and maker of sparkling conversation in the mainstream majority sense.

first, you should consider that the family member might find your manner of communication off putting as well. Just because your method of communication fits the majority doesn’t make it better. There are some families full of social misfits where the social events go very differently and the misfits have a wonderful time instead of being miserable. The conversations are quieter, the topics are different, and there is often an activity like a board game or a puzzle to act as social
lubricant.

You have a choice to make. You can have a relationship with your son and his chosen partner or you can drive a wedge between yourself and your child.

Absolutely this. Imagine how hard it was for to actually get out of the house and visit, for her to hear that comment. I'd feel hurt too if that were my in-laws saying this about me

YABU, especially in considering her as 'uppitty'. She is ill, not uppitty. You are frankly being cruel- would you react the same way to someone with a physical illness?

I wonder if between you and your OH, you might tend to monopolise airtime and talk about things that simply have nothing to do with her?

A relative of mine goes on and on about complete nonsense, things that I cannot relate to at all, rambling stories with no point to them, segues off into tangents without completing what she was initially saying... and doesn't let you get a word in edgeways. I go all silent and moody around her because I have realised that she is not in the least bit interested in communicating with me and doesn't want to be gently brought round to a topic we can all talk about.

Most of the time I'm perfectly sociable, it's just around her. The rest of the family feels the same. She rambles on and we are all silent. In fact we even "listen" to her in shifts, coming and going mid-anecdote in order to relieve each other of an overly long audience. To her credit she doesn't seem to mind/notice.

It's just a thought - this may not be you at all, but when I'm around this relative I could be your DIL. And I have no MH issues.

i think you’re being unreasonable. Why does it matter if she sits there in silence? She may actually be benefiting from coming round even if she doesn’t speak. Or maybe your son wants her to come round as he’s worried about her being on her own. I think you’re showing a lot of ignorance about mental health issues.

Your username says it all. If you can call someone Uppity then the rude person is you.

Would love to hear your son and DIL tell their side, I'd guess there is more you have done and missed out.

If this is real, then you really are very callous @UppityDIL. Your poor DIL, having someone as selfish as you in her life. You sound like my MIL, who spent years telling her depressed daughter not to bother visiting unless she could plaster a smile on.