Work full time with teens?

[HappyKoala56]

AIBU to consider a full time job with a teen and pre-teen (13 and 11)? How do other ft working parents manage with kids of these sort of ages? They are ok to stay home on their own for short times and neither are anxious with this, but it would mean 2 hours on their own after school until I get home which feels like a lot. And then what do I do in school holidays? It's a long time to be by themselves, but they don't appreciate all day clubs. I feel stuck in this middle ground of they are too old for childcare but too young for prolonged periods on their own. What does everyone do?
For context I don't HAVE to work ft, hence why I'm not sure if iabu. I have my own business and work part time currently, but I have put all career progression on hold for the past 14 years to be around for the kids and I'm eager to get back on working on myself. Do I leave it another year or 2?
YABU - stay home longer
YANBU - go get that job!

Point proven with comments above.

Yes, 11 + they can manage for themselves and you never need to pay out for them as obviously all costs are optional at this age, including quantity of food they eat and perhaps you can get them to quickly learn how to sew to save money on uniform costs at secondary school so unpicking the badges off of branded school shop items to be sewn on to cheap Asda primary school uniform, although hang on, do the 3x white polo shirts for a fiver even come in adult 18 sizes!

At least at 11+ you can save on holiday clubs as they can literally stay in the whole 6 weeks and play on their ps4. Equally, it is OTT parenting and frankly your shoddy parental skills if you have to nag them or help them in the slightest with GCSEs and qualifications that are pretty significant to their future happiness probably more than whether they can slot the square shape in the square hole or the incredibly difficult stage of teaching them the difference between a cow and a sheep! 🙄

I actually went back to work full time with teens (previously worked school hours) because as they got older I felt more and more like a spare part in the after school period. DS is not normally chatty after school (he saves it until I am trying to get into bed); DD is better but it was hardly worth being at home for a 5 minute discussion of her day before she vanished into her room.
Taxi service duties tended to be more in the evening (or they'd take themselves off straight after school) - so I didn't even have to do the taking to the activities that I'd done in primary school.

I should caveat that I work very close to home so am home by 4.30/5pm anyway. I might feel differently if I had an hour's commute!

Literally no one has said that 11+ year olds require no input. What a ridiculous strawman @Goldenbear

Working FT and having teens requires a bit of forethought earlier in their lives and is ultimately benefical to both teens and parent long term.

The groundwork should be lain when they are preteen or earlier working towards making their own meals, doing their own laundry, contributing to family life, having a good work ethic and being more and more independent etc.

Running around after teens does them no favours, the more you do it the more they need it - parents should really sit back and think do they really need you or do you need them to need you.

No it is an exaggeration, just like those who have argued that infants, their care and cost are the most challenging times ever and the ridiculous notion of 'optional' care for 11+ like as if you can't neglect that age group ever as they can let themselves in a front door.

I did. No regrets whatsoever and I genuinely believe children of all ages benefit from a parent at home if it is affordable. The OP said she didn't need the money.

A lot of my friends were either SAHM or part time, certainly not unusual. I was a school governor for 12 years and worked 2 days a week from DC being 6 months old.My DC are now early 20s

I felt very lonely - not independent- my parents didn’t arrive home until 6.30pm/7pm and I was home by 3.45pm and in the winter it was dark and I was pretty sad by myself making my own dinner every night for years ( microwave chips and jacket potatoes mainly) I didn’t know where to start making elaborate healthy dinners, and what teen does realistically. My brother was at a boys school and doing sports after school. I joined friends in the park to have company. The park after dark was a whole new education.

You can call it independence if you like - I didn’t want that much independence. I wanted to tell my mum about my day, find comfort from company and ask for advice when I was being bullied, feeling pressured sexually and out of my depth.
She was too tired and too busy by the time she got home. In the end I gave up trying and spent more and more time at the park, and at parties.

So many teens suffer from loneliness it’s really not discussed enough.

YANBU

How do you think the millions of parents who work FT with kids at any age cope?

At 11 and over they're more than capable of staying home alone for a few hours

It's perfectly normal for kids of secondary age to come home and entertain themselves until their parents are back from work

Ffs

SeemsSoUnfair why does it all have to done at pre teen age and isn't that a bit risky. Trial and error and guidance through the teenage years is what produces successful adults not neglect and not giving a shit dressed up as an upbringing.

Of course if you have to work FT because you can’t manage financially otherwise, then the decision is made, but if you have the choice then wait until they are older.

Both parents not getting home until that late every night is extreme. All the parents I know work and none do this. They mostly do a combination of one starting/finishing earlier while another does later or one does work at the weekends.

But I don't think you can put all of that down to the fact that your parents worked full-time and got home at 7pm. There are lots of other factors involved too.

I am sorry you felt lonely and didn't enjoy the experience, but that doesn't mean that all teenagers should have a parent around every night. Personally, I'd have found it incredibly claustrophobic and I'd probably have resented my parents if they never gave me any space or independence.

My parents also got in late - 7pm was common - but we still ate dinner together every night, we still talked and I could still go to my mum if I was upset or needed anything. Working full-time doesn't have to mean that you're not there for your kids.

6.30/7pm isn't late - it's a very normal time to be getting home from work!

Most parents raise their children to do the basics. That goes without saying surely?!

The issue is everything else from bullying, drug use, alcohol issues, self harming, poor mental health, academic pressure, help with homework, social media problems, gangs, sexual pressure, loneliness, friendship issues, exam pressure, relationship problems, eating disorders, panic attacks and there isn’t a parent alive that hasn’t dealt with at least if not many more of these issues on a very regular basis with their teen. And you can multiply that significantly if you have more than one child.

You can ‘train’ your pre teen to put on a wash and make a mean stir fry but it won’t help any of the above. Your not puppy training - they are human beings!

Do you have teens even???

@Festoonlights

You're massively projecting here

Maybe take a step back

6.30pm isn’t late - it’s normal!!
My parents ate at 8pm or later and I was too hungry to wait.
I didn’t see them at the weekends either. They were food shopping and cleaning the house. Preparing for the following week. Sunday we went to see GPs for an hour or two.
We completely lost our connection and I felt isolated.

I am just pointing out there is a price to pay working FT. It’s not wrong to mention it. Obviously many parents don’t have the choice, and that can’t be helped, putting food on the table is essential but my mum choose to do it for ‘luxuries’ and more money, I didn’t want those things. I just wanted to see her and have time with her. Nothing replaced her. I wasn’t close at all to my dad, but was close to my mum.

Did you make appoint yourself as the thread police? I am giving a different POV as op has asked.
And yes all these years later I am still very sad about it.

But those things (not seeing them at weekends, feeling isolated and losing your connection with them) isn't simply because your parents worked full-time. It's because they prioritised other things. And that is really sad (so I'm not surprised it upset you) but don't tar all working parents with the same brush - it's not fair.

I had a fabulous relationship with my parents despite them working full-time.

Right I will try to explain.
By being there at (in my case) 4:40pm when they get off the bus, I get to (I am really talking Yrs 7-10 here, sixth form I'd have much less concern)

1. Check they are on the bus they said, if not why not ?

2)Friends round need to be cleared first.

3. If football/cadets/ swimming whatever then a check that they have remembered, have their kit, eat something sensible before they go.

4. Perhaps most importantly be there for;
   a) Everyone hates me/ I'm ugly/fat/ in some other way unlovable/ unhappy
   b) I can't do history/maths/ French, the teacher hates me, I'm stupid
   c) I have dentition every night because I am skiving/ not doing my homework/ being generally disruptive in class.

If no-one is there at that time they and their mates will come and go as they please, if you are lucky the worst that happens is a tsamanmi of junk food and mess. If you are less lucky there are nowhere to be seen at 6pm, out with unspecified friends doing who knows what.

That is " the boat" and why if can possibly be arranged teens need support in the early evening.

Agreed

But you aren’t acknowledging that your issues with your parents are actually not that they worked. If they didn’t take an interest in you in the evenings and you didn’t see them on the weekend that is horrible for you but it’s not normal. You trying to link this and making it seem like people who work full time are failing their children is disingenuous. If your parents couldn’t be bothered to make an effort with you when they were off on the weekend that should be an insight into the fact that it wouldn’t be different if one worked part time.
Most parents who work full time do engage and spend time with their children/teenagers.
Their children do not get bullied, fail at a goon and get into drugs because they work full time.

@Festoonlights

You're not giving a different perspective

You're projecting, your issues aren't that your parents came home later. It's that they didn't give a shit when they were there

Most parents who work can come home at 6:30/7 and still chat to their teens about their day

Surely Festoonlights is offering an alternative perspective which is what the OP asked for? How is that projecting? I work full time but I'm not offended, people do neglect their teens and it is easier to do if work and independence are used as justification.

How did your parents manage the practicalities? We need food - non negotiable
Clean clothes - non negotiable
Hygienic house - non negotiable
Petrol in car - non negotiable
Mowing the lawn - spring / summer / early autumn
Paperwork / life admin / apps - non negotiable

So perhaps your parents were extremely wealthy and outsourced all the above, but most people have to do it along with a full time job