Work full time with teens?

[HappyKoala56]

AIBU to consider a full time job with a teen and pre-teen (13 and 11)? How do other ft working parents manage with kids of these sort of ages? They are ok to stay home on their own for short times and neither are anxious with this, but it would mean 2 hours on their own after school until I get home which feels like a lot. And then what do I do in school holidays? It's a long time to be by themselves, but they don't appreciate all day clubs. I feel stuck in this middle ground of they are too old for childcare but too young for prolonged periods on their own. What does everyone do?
For context I don't HAVE to work ft, hence why I'm not sure if iabu. I have my own business and work part time currently, but I have put all career progression on hold for the past 14 years to be around for the kids and I'm eager to get back on working on myself. Do I leave it another year or 2?
YABU - stay home longer
YANBU - go get that job!

People who use insults as arguments are usually lacking in intellect as they don't have the capacity to articulate their argument- of course paid childcare is discretionary- it is optional to use it no one is forcing you to do so and if you have no subsidises, you are obviously earning enough for it to be a choice. Forgoing a full-time salary is max 2.5 years and this completely contextual as it might be worth that I.e cheaper in the long run if as a family the earning potential of one of the parent's earnings are limited in tjje longterm due to having to share childcare commitments in the early years. Of course, there are a number of different contexts people are operating in so it may not be the case at all but it is simply untrue that categorically early years is more expensive than teenage years- not in our case.

These aren't discretionary costs in the context we live in. We had to buy laptops for both DC for secondary, that's not lifestyle or discretionary, it's a must for GCSEs, sane with a guitar for music GCSE! Ok, so no phone, no social life, no sports, no activities, no clothes, they aren't all branded in my DS's case they go to retro markets to buy second hand. These are things my eldest has for a life with his peers, it's no less a choice than childcare is for you as these things are needed for him to occupy himself in the holidays for example. It is the equivalent of paying for a summer holiday club. The phone allows him to organise the meet ups, the money for food out and about is needed or he'd starve, an activity could be swimming in the sea but he needs bus fare to get there, the activity could be going to a clothes market, money for the clothes he needs anyway as he has grown another 2 inches!

I went to guides although hated it by 12 and left, I went to the library as well but you are being disingenuous by making out this generation of teens frequent the library regularly- school one, yes, maybe.

It just baffles me that people cannot comprehend that people are living in different contexts- if my son wants to keep his friends, friendship being quite important for teenage development as opposed to very young children where they don't have a concept of friendship, then these things aren't fucking discretionary!

All those activities listed for a teenager run by council by a PP would not even cost £2-5 where I live. It is way more expensive to live in some parts of the country than others so there is 'no' categorical statement that can be made about what life is more expensive- it completely depends on context!

It is hilarious that posters don't even have teenagers and are predicting what it will be like and how they will be quids in- you literally don't have a clue whereas I have had toddlers, gave up my salary but it is still more expensive !

And other people, like me, who do have teenagers, are saying that your experience is not the same as theirs. I totally agree some of what you spend is most definitely "keeping up with the Jones'" but you have, I guess chosen to live where you do and for your child to mix with the people she does.
Even within "the norm" there are variations - I totally agree secondary age DC need a laptop for school, but it doesn't have to be new and top end. My DC have managed school work with comparatively cheap reconditioned ones.

I'd also suggest it would be the norm in your area for people to do lots of activities with their toddlers, buy more expensive clothing, go on more expensive days out (rather than local playground) etc. So I'm not sure you are comparing like with like, as you've rather dismissed the idea that toddlers cost much at all outside of childcare.

I think the question is not really "do I as an individual spend more on my teenager than I did my toddler" but more "are average toddler costs more than average teenager costs?". And of course there are variations both ways. If you had family childcare and all your baby/toddler clothes/toys/other items were from Freegle, and you never went anywhere apart from the local walking distance park, your teenager is going to cost more even if you do nothing apart from give them basic food and clothing.

Sheepdogdelight, I literally just stated that is context based so yes, in your case you feel richer! But full-time nursery childcare is discretionary as arguably you can move to a cheaper area, stay in a small flat (that's what we did in the baby years), get a job that has wfh- something much more available than when it was when I was grappling with my options 14 years ago! There is 30hrs free childcare available now there wasn't 15 years ago. Teenagers expenses aren't all discretionary and the emotional and educational needs need to be met which can't be done without alot of the expenses people are labelling as discretionary.

I haven't at all dismissed the idea - I did a music club for my first- although probably didn't need to as he is not having violin instruction at 1, I did softplay and said further back how cheap it is comparatively speaking to activities now! I bought new clothes from relatively expensive shops as I was on full pay for a year of my maternity! Even with all those things it is still more expensive! So I am absolutely comparing like for like. The food bill alone for my DS is massive and unavoidable. Toddlers in comparison even hungry big ones don't touch the sides of the expense! DS brought friends around here impromptu Friday 4x boys that are all 5ft8 plus and I was down £20 for that one meal, playdate meals were more like a fiver max!

I mean teenagers are still spending money in the evening with electricity or going out when infants are in bed asleep! Quite apart from the fact that the teenage expenses are alot longer than the 2 years of full time childcare hit!

I went to full time work as soon as my youngest went to high school (age 11). They got the school bus home about 4pm then either sat in front of the TV (pre gadget) or started their homework. I had usually put something in the slow cooker during the winter so they did the potatotes and veg if hungry and it would be ready for me when I got in just before 6pm. During holidays they either stayed home on their own (their dad worked shifts so often there in the day/mornings and working late/nights) or occasionally went to their grandparents house for the day and i would drop off then pick up on the way to and from work.

I wouldn't hesitate to go for the job.

Yep just wait until they have to buy several different sports kits and various pairs of footwear. Oh and a eye wateringly expensive school blazer! Even going to the school second hand shop I still don’t want to think how much I have spent kitting my 13 year old out to go back to school. The thing is by 13 a lot of boys are in mens clothes and shoes. And I noticed the prices have rocketed. I couldn’t get a pair of football boots (with proper studs) for less than £60!!! That was sports direct by the way where I normally expect to find a bargain.
But as I keep saying it’s not just money. It’s the worry and stress of guiding teens through an incredibly tricky period of their lives. The toddler years were a bloody breeze in comparison, at least then I knew where they were, what they were doing, and who was in their lives!

I can’t believe you are actually saying costs associated with younger kids are discretionary to the point that you don’t need childcare because you can just quit your job, you don’t need to pay your current rent/ mortgage because you can sell up and move to a cheaper area with no support network.

…but you have absolutely no other option but you to buy the latest air Jordan’s for a teen because their friends have them and you will ruin their life forever if they can’t keep up.

Literally no one is saying teens don’t cost any money, no one is saying you don’t have to parent them beyond 11 but to compare a very lavish teenage life to a total bare bones life for a toddler is just not presenting any sort of sensible argument in good faith.

but you have absolutely no other option but you to buy the latest air Jordan’s for a teen because their friends have them and you will ruin their life forever if they can’t keep up.

Anyonewho thinks £60 gets you a pair of Jordan airs in adult sizes isn't living in the real world.

Most ridiculous thing on here today.

This is so frustrating as you evidently don't have a clue! These costs are not buying the latest trainers, you are deliberately not reading what I have stated or simply misunderstood. I gave the example of summer holidays and occupying himself as it is not free for teenagers, as it is neglectful to expect to not meet their needs for companionship, stimulation, at a teenage age you cannot just dismiss these needs as discretionary. IME and the context in which I live this has worked out to be a much greater cost than infant years. I think you are arguing in extremes if you think all these things are a choice, it is Hobson's choice as if you don't pay for, in your mind 'discretionary items', their social life, friendships and inturn mental health is damaged! A toddler's mental health on the other hand is not damaged by not being able to communicate with friends with a phone - they don't even have a concept of friendship ffs! The needs of a teenager are loads more complicated than a toddler and are entirely different so the neglect looks different!

If you are arguing with ridiculous theories about teenagers then the same level of argument can be applied to choosing full-time nursery care, in that ultimately it is discretionary. I chose to give up my job as I couldn't find nursery care with the hours I needed when the commute was taken in to account. We had to stay in a one bedroom flat to accommodate that. If you are not receiving benefits or subsidies as you don't qualify then there is arguably choice as you can afford full time nursery fees. I'm not suggesting it is not extreme but you don't seem to grasp that your understanding of teenagers and what you can not provide is extreme.

Believe me, my DS does not have a lavish teenagers life, he just has 'a life', something you seem to think can happen with hardly any money. Food is one of the biggest costs I have for him, it is very worrying when inflation is what it is- when he was little even 11/12 i never would have comprehended that this would be such a huge outgoing.

We are pretty well off but not compared to all of his friends so food costs are not something I had to worry about before but now I do.

Oh and I haven't compared to bare bones toddler life. If you read my previous post I took him to baby music club, membership for a leisure centre bounce and roll thing, same with DD, safest and therefore most expensive car seats, buggies, scooters, helmets but a bike he still ends and now you are paying for an adult one, adult everything- all this makes it much more than toddlerhood.

£60 is your just about acceptable trainers. Do also remember teens walk everywhere, so shoes are something it's worth not getting cheapest possible.

@Goldenbear I have a 14 year old DS and I really don't agree with a lot of what you're saying.
Childcare way outstripped what I spend now.
His and most of his friends clothes are Primark and Sports Direct. Trainers definitely sub £40.
Food bills.... he doesn't eat that much!! A man's portion of food, packed lunch. Double cereal for breakfast. And he's tall and sporty so not inactive.
Its like having another adult but not an insatiable plague of locusts.
£25 per month spending money including in the summer, another £20 for him to spend on snacks at school.
I kit him out in new clothes a couple of times a year. Yes it may be £300 or so, but that's once every 6 months.
It was 5-600 every month for Childcare. Doesn't even come close IMO.

An adult bike that lasts you your entire adulthood rather than a year!

Perfectly acceptable trainers.

@Goldenbear.

OK, I'll bite. I have a 16 year old DD, so similar age to your own child.

Here's what she costs

1. Extra food over what she ate over a toddler (say £20 a week - based on our current food bill for 4 which is just over £100 a week)
2. Clothes/shoes in bigger sizes. Although the hasn't grown in a few years, she's now in women's clothes which cost more. I've just bought her a whole bunch of new clothes for sixth form (teenager approved) which came to about £250 in total, but that's way more than I'd spend in normal years. She also had a new pair of trainers, which were in the sale, £50
3. We are looking to replace her laptop, which she's had since Year 7. She'll get a reconditioned one (as per her last one) which will be somewhere between £150-£200
4. Haircuts are £25 2 or 3 times a year
5. Dentist is £10 twice a year
6. Stationery for school is basically pens and paper. I dunno. Maybe £5 a month (probably overestimate)?
7. She's taking English Lit A level - a copy of her texts for Year 12 cost £50. Will be similar in Year 13
8. There's talk of a theatre trip, which will be about £25 (reduced school rate)
9. She does drama at school (free, except £15 practice shirt)
10. Her other main hobby is art which I do buy bits and pieces for - say £10 a month
11. She volunteers (free activity as she cycles there)
12. She has a £50 monthly allowance which has to cover socialising/presents/phone/cosmetics/random other clothes/stuff she fancies. She generally has money left over from this
13. I spare a fair bit of time driving her to places - maybe up to £10 a week cost, depending on what she is doing (will often be much less!)?
14. There's one off expenses such as a prom dress (which was £70, plus £20 to have shortened, in Year 11)
15. We eat out about 6 or 7 times a year - So that's about £150 for her share
16. We do things like going to the theatre 3 or 4 times a year. Maybe another £100
17. Family holidays costs maybe £1000 (average - we often do cheaper holidays, but occasional more expensive one) more due to having to allow for a teen wanting their own room
18. We do have spotify/netflix/Amazon prime, but DH would have those anyway :)
19. Um, ok, can't think of any more, but please point out what I've missed

Nowhere remotely near toddler childcare costs even assuming your toddler otherwise costs you nothing.
And she's a fairly average teen as far as I can compare to the ones she knows!

I appreciate our lifestyle is a million miles away from GoldenBear's but it's very normal amongst people I know.

I did say that it is context based again and again so my son does require and eats much more than that per day, I cook from scratch so it is not cheap but you have to provide a healthy approach to food in the home at least. My son had a £300 electrical guitar for music GCSE. A language GCSE trip to Spain is £800,

Does she walk to school ? No bus fare ? What about visiting universities?

Was that aimed at me? She cycles (or I give her a lift; factored into my "taking her places" bucket)
Agree, there are university open days to factor in. Although she may not go.

Yes, exactly, I mean £20 extra over a toddler for food is nowhere near. What about food at school?

We also cook from scratch and eat healthily. Vegetables are pretty cheap :)
My other child is a 6 foot 2 teen boy, so he probably eats more and DD probably eats less. I was averaging out.

Bus fare around here is adult after 12.