Would this annoy you or do I need to chill out?

[arghhhhhhffs]

Sometimes (more often than not), when DP uses the last of something, he just leaves the empty package in situ, so it looks like there's still some there.

Latest examples include empty fabric conditioner left standing beside the washing machine, so I go to put a wash on after he has, and realise it's empty; and tin of baby porridge on the kitchen worktop in its usual place beside the kettle, with no porridge in it (he used the last of it yesterday morning). I went to Tesco yesterday and could have replaced this had I known, but when I glanced at the worktop and saw the tub in its usual place, I made a mental note that we don't need porridge. I went to use it this morning - empty. Just left on the worktop empty, instead of placed in the bin.

We've had this argument so many times and I always say can you please please either:

1. buy another one if you use the last of it
2. make a mental note to buy it asap
3. make a physical note on the whiteboard in our kitchen so either of us can see and buy it
4. or communicate verbally to me that it's gone so I can buy it

I honestly don't care which one of those he does. Just really really makes my day that more inconvenient looking after a baby by myself to see that the last of something has been used but left in its place and not even communicated to me!

He thinks I'm "nagging". At least he makes the porridge for our baby, at least he does the washing, etc etc. He "tries his best". My argument is, any time I use the last of something I know is an essential every day use item in the house, I do one of the above things I've listed (usually 1 or 2), so we aren't caught short without it. It takes me 2 seconds to make either a mental or physical note, so why can't he do this.

So as not to drip feed.... this is part of a larger picture of me being frustrated generally for months now with carrying most of the mental load of the household (ie if I don't think of it, it usually doesn't happen).

We both work FT if that's relevant.

Who is being unreasonable?

Case in point - I've just emptied the kitchen bin and used the last bin bag so it is now written on the kitchen whiteboard and stored on my (never ending) mental list. This took me less than a minute, with a baby in my care. It's really not hard. Or is it???

Nope not hard at all, but I suspect it never really inconveniences him as it is never him who finds out there is none left of something he wants at a time he wants it. Maybe you need to start making it inconvenient for him? So when you notice the last of something has been used get home to stop off and get the replacement?

Well…in itself, leaving empty packets and tins in the cupboard is a minor and common annoyance that happens in plenty of households and isn’t a biggy.
What is really pissing you off is the laziness overall, of which the packet leaving is an example. It’s not the thing to focus on…his sense of entitlement to leave everything to you, is.

I'd say 'both' a bit tbh.

I'd just buy a 'baby porridge' because if you didn't 'need' one yesterday you would within a day or so. Bin bags the same really. There's a pretty constant cycle of mist stuff.

I might be a little annoyed if it was something not frequently used but that I wouldn't want to not have a spare (like lightbulbs).

why not tell him shopping is now his job?

Just leave it. Don't replace anything or move it. You are his partner not a housekeeper
I'll give it 3 weeks before he realises
Sit on your hands and wait

That’s really annoying and something I have to say to my teen about quite a lot although DH also seems to think I magically know when something is gone even if it’s something I don’t use.
Id try and make it his problem though snd send him to the shop for these things and don’t buy the things you know he wants that he’s left a empty packet of

Well…in itself, leaving empty packets and tins in the cupboard is a minor and common annoyance that happens in plenty of households and isn’t a biggy

Surely its only kids who do this? Why would an adult put an empty packet back in the cupboard? It's just fucking lazy isn't it

Don't give him a choice.

one clear process - use the last of anything, write it on the whiteboard.

Then give him hell when he doesn't do it, and make him go to the shop when he's tired.

YANBU at all.

I'm a one in use and one in the cupboard type, so the rule is that if you take the one in the cupboard out, write it on the shopping list. If they don't, then they end up without. They soon learn when it's things that matter to them. Trickier when it's things that matter to me, but that they use as well! Nonetheless, I persist in reminding them. Took a couple of years, but for the most part they all remember.

It is simply a matter of respect for others to do this.

I would say he has to be the one to go out to the shop to replace them if you've done the full shop in the week.

I should say that he is good in a practical sense, if you literally give him direction. "Please can you help me with x?" No problem, he's straight on it. "Would you mind getting x y and x on your way home from work please?" Consider it done.

The issue is that it's 100% on me to think and plan. If I don't think it / note it / say it to him, it gets left.

That's why I'm exhausted. Because I can't keep every last detail of the admin of our lives in my mind, single-handedly. I work FT too and when I'm not at work I'm looking after a very active baby. I need another person doing some of the mental side.

But whenever I raise this, it's just "I try my best / I do x and y whenever you ask / if you just tell me what we need from the shop I'll get it on the way home" etc ..... Missing the point that.... I don't want to have to tell/ask in the first place because that requires me to carry 100.% of the mental load!!

It feels like he's asking me to be aware of both the things I use up and notice we need, and the things he uses up (by the power of psychic energy, I presume). 🤷‍♀️

I do it sometimes. It’s just a brain fart auto pilot thing whereby I’m distracted or in a rush. My dh never does it. I’m not fucking lazy though.

Oh that is a bit trickier. Can you ask him what would work for him to take ownership of? Maybe list’s on a whiteboard don’t work for him? We have a family app which we can all access and it has all dates times and a shopping list in which works better. You might need to point out that the fact that you need to text him to get stuff is still essentially leaving all the mental work to you. I think sometimes it just needs explaining clearly that it is still laying most of the remembering on you.

This is the current strategy but it's not working as when I "give him hell" he argues back with me that I'm being a "nag" and "he can't do anything right" and "I'm never happy"...... it just causes an atmosphere. He's so defensive.

He’s a lazy tool.

I should add that I started off by asking nicely, and calmly pointing out how it makes things harder for me. But he keeps repeating it, so now I'm just completely frustrated.

Help! (Sensitive issue so please be kind)
My husband has started approaching me as soon as I leave the bathroom asking if I have sprayed it. When I say yes, and I have, he has proceeded to go in with spray and leave it there. I have always had bowel trouble and never from any relationships had any question or behaviour like this. The window is always open. When I told him it is hurtful he told me to grow up.
Am I being over sensitive or is this unreasonable behaviour?

Yanbu my children know to throw away empty packets without being asked. Even the one with severe adhd and the 7 year old manage it.

OP you need to talk to him about the mental load. If needed, list out the things you think about/keep in your head so he can see it's not just the odd thing here and there.

Agree which things you will take on and which he will be in complete charge of. Then stick to your list.

Anything that he misses is his responsibility to fix/sort out - so picking up missed shopping items or paying for kids activities etc.

If you keep fixing things for him he has no reason to step up. And that will only get worse as your DC grow and the admin increases with school etc.

Bet he competes tasks at work. Does he scan a customers shopping and then wander off and expect a colleague to step in and swipe their card? Nope.
it is disrespectful to you. What he is saying is that your time, labour, mental health is worth less than his and he doesn’t care. In fact you should be grateful that he started a task, even if he didn’t complete it.
A decent person listens, cares, takes the feedback on board, owns the mistake and takes steps not to repeat it. Instead he’s shifting the blame to you ‘nagging’

Urgh! My 12yo leaves empty packets in the cupboard and fridge 🙄 it’s not a minor annoyance, it’s laziness. If you use the last of something, the packet goes in the bin/recycling.
Dh never tells me when he runs out of things like his coffee, so it doesn’t get bought. He either goes without or waits til my next shop.
Wrt to your dp feeding the baby porridge, as long him if he wants a medal for feeding his dc.

Would annoy me.
What you could do is "forget" to wash his clothes/ cook enough dinner for him. When he complains, tell him your trying your best. See how long it takes for him to pull his finger out.

I want things put on the list BEFORE they run out. Dh now puts stuff on as he uses the last bit so I guess that's progress...

But yes, I think you have every right to be annoyed - he's a bloody grown man. I bet at work he hates being told what to do and micro managed so why does he love it at home?

It's so annoying! YANBU.