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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would this annoy you or do I need to chill out?

184 replies

arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 08:04

Sometimes (more often than not), when DP uses the last of something, he just leaves the empty package in situ, so it looks like there's still some there.

Latest examples include empty fabric conditioner left standing beside the washing machine, so I go to put a wash on after he has, and realise it's empty; and tin of baby porridge on the kitchen worktop in its usual place beside the kettle, with no porridge in it (he used the last of it yesterday morning). I went to Tesco yesterday and could have replaced this had I known, but when I glanced at the worktop and saw the tub in its usual place, I made a mental note that we don't need porridge. I went to use it this morning - empty. Just left on the worktop empty, instead of placed in the bin.

We've had this argument so many times and I always say can you please please either:

  1. buy another one if you use the last of it
  2. make a mental note to buy it asap
  3. make a physical note on the whiteboard in our kitchen so either of us can see and buy it
  4. or communicate verbally to me that it's gone so I can buy it

I honestly don't care which one of those he does. Just really really makes my day that more inconvenient looking after a baby by myself to see that the last of something has been used but left in its place and not even communicated to me!

He thinks I'm "nagging". At least he makes the porridge for our baby, at least he does the washing, etc etc. He "tries his best". My argument is, any time I use the last of something I know is an essential every day use item in the house, I do one of the above things I've listed (usually 1 or 2), so we aren't caught short without it. It takes me 2 seconds to make either a mental or physical note, so why can't he do this.

So as not to drip feed.... this is part of a larger picture of me being frustrated generally for months now with carrying most of the mental load of the household (ie if I don't think of it, it usually doesn't happen).

We both work FT if that's relevant.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 10/09/2022 12:41

Tell him every time he leaves an unfinished job to you, he is essentially saying "fuck you" to his partner.

"fuck you arghhhhhhffs, I'll leave this empty baby porridge box here, and you can sort it out"
"fuck you arghhhhhhffs, I'll leave this recycling balanced on the bin, and you can sort it out"

noclothesinbed · 10/09/2022 12:51

No it's not hard but I do think you are nagging and I wouldn't want to be a nagging wife so I'd put up with it or leave

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 13:00

Can I ask whether you have to work full time, or whether you just want to? Does your husband have to work full time, or does he just want to?

I feel like both people working full time when there are small kids involved is a recipe for disaster and resentment.

Oysterbabe · 10/09/2022 13:06

DH does a similar and annoying thing. He will never use the last of something, he will use 99.9% of it and then leave it. Why would he throw it away, it's not finished? Yeah, that half a teaspoon of jam is so useful. 🙄

Cherchezlaspice · 10/09/2022 13:08

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 13:00

Can I ask whether you have to work full time, or whether you just want to? Does your husband have to work full time, or does he just want to?

I feel like both people working full time when there are small kids involved is a recipe for disaster and resentment.

Why is that relevant, though? The issue is her husband disrespecting her and not pulling his weight. If it turns out that she ‘chooses’ to work full time, would your solution be that she drops to part time and does more domestic labour? Multiple issues with that:

  • Why should she give up her career because her adult partner is unwilling to act as both an adult and a partner?
  • It wouldn’t address the actual issue, which is that her adult partner is unwilling to act as both an adult and a partner.
  • It would make her financially dependent on a man who is already showing her little respect. He’s unlikely to become more considerate when she becomes more financially vulnerable.
Neverwrestlewithapig · 10/09/2022 13:10

Cherchezlaspice · 10/09/2022 13:08

Why is that relevant, though? The issue is her husband disrespecting her and not pulling his weight. If it turns out that she ‘chooses’ to work full time, would your solution be that she drops to part time and does more domestic labour? Multiple issues with that:

  • Why should she give up her career because her adult partner is unwilling to act as both an adult and a partner?
  • It wouldn’t address the actual issue, which is that her adult partner is unwilling to act as both an adult and a partner.
  • It would make her financially dependent on a man who is already showing her little respect. He’s unlikely to become more considerate when she becomes more financially vulnerable.

Absolutely!

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 13:12

Cherchezlaspice · 10/09/2022 13:08

Why is that relevant, though? The issue is her husband disrespecting her and not pulling his weight. If it turns out that she ‘chooses’ to work full time, would your solution be that she drops to part time and does more domestic labour? Multiple issues with that:

  • Why should she give up her career because her adult partner is unwilling to act as both an adult and a partner?
  • It wouldn’t address the actual issue, which is that her adult partner is unwilling to act as both an adult and a partner.
  • It would make her financially dependent on a man who is already showing her little respect. He’s unlikely to become more considerate when she becomes more financially vulnerable.

All I'm thinking is that if either one of them could go part time it would make it easier.

If he went part time, he will see with his own eyes what needs doing and will have to do it because their child is depending on him.

If OP went part time, she has less stress and carrying the mental load when only part time is less problematic.

deeperthanallroses · 10/09/2022 13:13

The stuff that matters to him is, funnily enough, always in full supply. 🤔
what matters to him? Burn it. Burn it all. From another woman who is in the long long process of ensuring the mental load is shared, but my Dh now does quite a lot, knows he’s not allowed to be a dick when I bring something up for the umpteenth time and is remorseful when he screws up.

InFiveMins · 10/09/2022 13:16

Oysterbabe · 10/09/2022 13:06

DH does a similar and annoying thing. He will never use the last of something, he will use 99.9% of it and then leave it. Why would he throw it away, it's not finished? Yeah, that half a teaspoon of jam is so useful. 🙄

He does it on purpose so that he doesn't have to be the one to make a mental note of the item needing to be replaced. And/or because he can't be arsed taking the empty packet to the bin and will wait for you to do it instead.

Stopthebusplease · 10/09/2022 13:25

Sorry OP I haven't read the full thread, but if he's anything like a lot of men, and has a regular bowel movement, I'd make sure that just before he goes in the loo, I replaced the full roll with an empty cardboard cylinder, then watch him make a fuss!! At this point you say, 'oh, sorry, I do my best, but I'm usually so busy thinking about all the things that you can't be bothered to mention, that I forgot to get any!' I'd love to see his face!😂

Cherchezlaspice · 10/09/2022 14:13

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 13:12

All I'm thinking is that if either one of them could go part time it would make it easier.

If he went part time, he will see with his own eyes what needs doing and will have to do it because their child is depending on him.

If OP went part time, she has less stress and carrying the mental load when only part time is less problematic.

I have, quite literally, listed the reasons why suggesting she go part time is a bad idea.

misskatamari · 10/09/2022 14:27

Given all you've written then OP, I would seriously consider if you're life would be easier as a single parent. And whatever you do don't go part time (and I say that as someone who is currently a stay at home mum!). This isn't an issue that will be fixed by one of you working less. If you went part time he'd still be fucking useless, and just feel more justified in it. If he went part time, I guarantee he'd still expect you to do all the bloody thinking!
You've told him the issue multiple times, he hasn't done anything to change and has instead tried to make it your fault, getting defensive, deflecting it back to you, listing the things YOU do wrong. He's a giant baby and this immature attitude would kill any love or respect I had for someone.

The only reasonable response from him is a good long look in the mirror, accepting responsibility for how he's been acting, and then working to change that! Words are cheap! As you have been shown time and time again! I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I know it must feel really shit to think of leaving a relationship when it's a problem over such "mundane" things, but really it's a sign of deeper issues, which just eat away at things and cause resentment. If he refuses to engage in changing this, then...what can you do.

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 17:43

Aside from this issue, what's the rest of your relationship like? I think people on here seem quick to tell you to break up your family! I mean, it's annoying, but to divorce someone over this seems mad to me! I'm sure you do stuff that pisses him off too.

arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 18:25

Honestly? We have a lot of issues in other areas of the relationship too. I'm very unhappy in general.

OP posts:
arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 18:26

Another day of doing everything alone and dealing with tantrum after tantrum ...... I'm exhausted on a level like I have never experienced before. 😔

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 18:29

arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 18:25

Honestly? We have a lot of issues in other areas of the relationship too. I'm very unhappy in general.

OK fair enough. Have you tried going to counselling together? Maybe he doesn't quite understand how bad it is for you.

Dacadactyl · 10/09/2022 18:30

arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 18:26

Another day of doing everything alone and dealing with tantrum after tantrum ...... I'm exhausted on a level like I have never experienced before. 😔

I hope things improve for you soon and that you begin to feel happier.

LannieDuck · 10/09/2022 18:43

The problem is that he's leaving these things for you to discover when you need them.

He's literally leaving you to find you have no food for the baby when the baby is hungry. So something that wasn't a big deal becomes urgent.

You could try leaving the baby with him and going out for a day, emptying a few containers of vital things you know he'll need (porridge etc) before you go?

ImpartialMongoose · 10/09/2022 19:46

I've got no solutions but I just don't understand the attitude (although am very familiar with it). Why would he keep doing something that inconveniences you and is really pissing you off? It's as if when you tell him, he just doesnt make a mental note as he has written you off as a nag and so any issue you raise is just you nagging and not given weight. You should be playing on the same team, but, no, in this scenario you are the enemy attacking him and he has dug his heels in.

Topgub · 10/09/2022 19:55

Hang on.

Have you posted a fair few times before?

Once about him not getting up on time to get the baby ready?

NotLactoseFree · 10/09/2022 21:26

The problem is that if he doesn't accept that he has some responsibility, then I'm afraid that nothing can or will change.Right now, none of these things are important to him so he doesn't put any effort in.

HappyMackerel · 10/09/2022 21:39

It would annoy me too.

arghhhhhhffs · 10/09/2022 23:29

I've just made another thread ... this has taken a bit of an unexpected turn.

He has been messaging another woman trying to shag her. He's just admitted it tonight.

OP posts:
Topgub · 10/09/2022 23:36

Sure

arghhhhhhffs · 11/09/2022 13:05

Topgub · 10/09/2022 23:36

Sure

What the fuck??!

OP posts:
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