Would this annoy you or do I need to chill out?

[arghhhhhhffs]

Sometimes (more often than not), when DP uses the last of something, he just leaves the empty package in situ, so it looks like there's still some there.

Latest examples include empty fabric conditioner left standing beside the washing machine, so I go to put a wash on after he has, and realise it's empty; and tin of baby porridge on the kitchen worktop in its usual place beside the kettle, with no porridge in it (he used the last of it yesterday morning). I went to Tesco yesterday and could have replaced this had I known, but when I glanced at the worktop and saw the tub in its usual place, I made a mental note that we don't need porridge. I went to use it this morning - empty. Just left on the worktop empty, instead of placed in the bin.

We've had this argument so many times and I always say can you please please either:

1. buy another one if you use the last of it
2. make a mental note to buy it asap
3. make a physical note on the whiteboard in our kitchen so either of us can see and buy it
4. or communicate verbally to me that it's gone so I can buy it

I honestly don't care which one of those he does. Just really really makes my day that more inconvenient looking after a baby by myself to see that the last of something has been used but left in its place and not even communicated to me!

He thinks I'm "nagging". At least he makes the porridge for our baby, at least he does the washing, etc etc. He "tries his best". My argument is, any time I use the last of something I know is an essential every day use item in the house, I do one of the above things I've listed (usually 1 or 2), so we aren't caught short without it. It takes me 2 seconds to make either a mental or physical note, so why can't he do this.

So as not to drip feed.... this is part of a larger picture of me being frustrated generally for months now with carrying most of the mental load of the household (ie if I don't think of it, it usually doesn't happen).

We both work FT if that's relevant.

Who is being unreasonable?

My husband does exactly the same - it’s SO frustrating!! It’s like he genuinely can’t remember to do it. See also: things left NEXT TO the bin, or even worse, walking past the bin to leave rubbish on the side. ARGH It’s winding me up just thinking about it.

@Gizlotsmum

I have explained exactly that to him in the past - that by asking me to "tell him what we need and he will get it on the way home", is not really helpful in the sense that I still have to be the person who knows that information. And keeping on top of all of that myself as well as a mentally demanding job and a baby is well, almost impossible 🙈

My DH does it because he's a messy arse and after 25 years I've learned not to be affected by it. Sometimes I now purposefully do it with his favourite biscuits and it really pisses him off.

I'd get him to stop whatever he was doing and put the empty packaging in the bin, then send him on an emergency run to the shops to pick up what is needed urgently. Every single time. Trying his best is leaving an empty packet on the side? What happens at his work when there is a job to do, and he has been asked to do it, but fails miserably? Does he call his boss a nag and sulk and whine he has done his best?! If he is putting you in the position of 'boss' at home by not organising anything then he needs to a. Do more doing to compensate and b. Treat you with a bit more respect

Exactly, this!

I said to him today if someone at your workplace was going around your office doing things that were unhelpful and added stress and inconvenience to your day, and you raised it with them and explained how it caused you extra stress and asked them not to keep doing it, and they continued to do the same thing..... would you not also be really frustrated?!

I don't think he saw my point because he doesn't see what I do at home (mentally and physically) as "work". He's said as much, actually.

Ps only lazy sexist men call their wife a nag, to deflect her justified criticism when he is not pulling his weight

Buy a new bin bag roll. Take one off and leave it there then hide the rest. Let him use the last one, don't replace it. And make sure he's the one needing to use a bin bag next after.

Same with baby porridge. Get it, hide the tin. You have it for when you want it but he doesn't. If "nagging" doesn't work then you've got to make it hurt for him to be so inconsiderate.

He will never change if you keep running around picking up the pieces.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Yep! I've said similar in the past when he's called me a "nag" or saying I'm "constantly on his case". I've asked him when he's at work and messes up and gets pulled up on it, does he whinge at his boss that he's a "nag"??? Doubt it. Just saves that for me 😡

This would piss me right off

I'd have a grown up chat first and if that didn't work I'd get petty as hell

put anything he leaves out in an inconvenient place for him. His side of the settee, his work bag, his shoe...

Our solution is an Alexa in the kitchen. Anything we run out of we bin and say "Alexa add beans to the shopping list"

It becomes a habit in no time, ds 10 does it too. We both have the phone app so whoever shops has the list to hand

Lazy and annoying.

DH does this too OP. It drives me mad! It’s things like if there are cans of drink in the fridge and he takes the last one he will leave the empty cardboard container in there. Not only has he not told me we’ve run out but there is there no visual prompt for me to buy more.

We meal plan at a weekend and then one of us does a shopping list based on that including all the other stuff we'll need as well so if We're going to run out of something in the week it'll be on the shopping list.

Buy a new bin bag roll. Take one off and leave it there then hide the rest. Let him use the last one, don't replace it. And make sure he's the one needing to use a bin bag next after.

😂 this made me laugh. I'm very tempted!

YANBU!! This is very annoying and childish!

He needs to write it on the whiteboard and throw out the empty box.

If you can I would ignore the empty boxes and not replace them unless it’s written on the whiteboard.
I have a feeling if things aren’t getting replaced he’ll soon learn.

YES! Exactly this. No verbal communication and leaving the empty package in situ so you aren't visually prompted, either. What is the actual point?! 🙄

Ho hum…..it does seem to be a thing with men (self acknowledged sweeping statement) Forty years on and I haven’t really made much inroads with the ‘where’s my’ ( insert virtually every household and personal item at some stage). The responses vary from ‘where you left it’ ‘where it always is’ and ‘ how should I know, I’ve lost the tracker’ but I’m afraid that on the whole I just give in and tell him ( if I know, which with luck and a following wind is 85% of the time).

I have just about trained him to write thing on the whiteboard, but there is no guarantee that it will be fulfilled unless I write it on a note and give it to him if he is going shopping or passing a shop. Even then….

I do honestly wonder if it is something to do with differently wired brains. I don’t think mine or probably yours does it on purpose, I think he does kind of wish that he remembered……

i suppose you could try bursting into tears and saying that you are finding it hard to cope with the stress of being the person who has to take responsibility for everything being in stock? I don’t think anger gets very far , in the long run.

he forgot the eggs today ( I’m in bed with flu) but he did unasked wash the towels, make me a cup of tea and change the boiler setting to autumn, and book the boiler service.

good luck

Are you me????
I could have written this.
No solutions here as I have run out of ideas and realised that nothing is going to change.
When I get the "bag" comment my usual response is "well that's down to you - I've asked you to do x y z before. If you did it I wouldn't have to ask again would I and then you wouldn't think I was nagging"

In relation to mental load I don't actually think there are any relationships where there is truly a fair split of mental load.

Your DH is lazy and immature but also your " system" is inefficient.
One in use, one ready to go, then when you start the second one it goes on the list.
Not the point I know but then his behaviour has less impact.
I would be PA and put it on his pillow, when he asks why I would reply that I thought he was saving it for something 😂
His use of " nag" would be like a red rag to a bull and I wouldnt be doing laundry/ cooking

What annoyed me most is that yesterday evening after a really long day at work and whilst dealing with an unwell and clingy baby, I went to Tesco for some bits I knew we needed so as not to be caught short this weekend (DP is at work today so I knew it would fall to me to sort any shortages, hence why I did this yesterday). Having clocked we didn't need porridge as the package was still sitting there on the worktop in it's usual place, I went off to Tesco and consciously walked past said item in the baby aisle thinking "we don't need that, I saw it on the worktop".

Now I have to go back to Tesco today. Yay.

🙄

he doesn't see what I do at home (mentally and physically) as "work".

This is the crux of the matter unfortunately. It’s about respect. He doesn’t respect you.
You’re his wife and partner, not the housekeeper.

I’d be raging. Along with having serious words, I would also stop keeping the house running so smoothly. He needs to feel consequences for his actions. At the moment there are none (apart from your displeasure - and he seems to be bearing that very well).

He doesn’t respect you.

must be like having an extra child in the house

Also when I raised it this morning he said

"Well it's time we weaned her off that porridge anyway and tried her with normal ready brek"

So he deflects instantly from the issue.

She won't eat ready brek, we've both tried numerous times, he knows this.

But because he can't stand the fact I've called him out on something yet again, he unilaterally decides the solution is for me to attempt to feed the baby something we both know she won't eat this morning, which will only add to both mine and the baby's stress.

Excellent solution and well deflected, DP. 🙄

Don't back down - it's a strategy of entitled men to throw 'nagging' around to shut you up.

Agree let him face consequences.

A tactic I read here is don't get diverted 'can you add it to the list' 'well at least I do x y z' 'we're not talking about that, I'm asking you to put things on the list'

On occasion Ive resorted to 'you're a clever man I'm sure you can work it out' when he's asked me a life admin question

Can you give him whole areas of admin ie he has to be in charge of all laundry. Start to finish, buying the detergent, putting it on, hanging it out, putting it away. You literally don't touch it.

As baby gets older make him in charge of stuff eg I've never done childcare vouchers / paying for clubs / admin around certain activities we do - I made them completely DH job as soon as they started.

I've also tried explaining that I am not 'the manager' and he is not 'the worker' - I don't want to be in charge please just work it out.

DH is a lot better than he used to be but it wasn't easy

Yes, I did this by mistake! oops!