Would this annoy you or do I need to chill out?

[arghhhhhhffs]

Sometimes (more often than not), when DP uses the last of something, he just leaves the empty package in situ, so it looks like there's still some there.

Latest examples include empty fabric conditioner left standing beside the washing machine, so I go to put a wash on after he has, and realise it's empty; and tin of baby porridge on the kitchen worktop in its usual place beside the kettle, with no porridge in it (he used the last of it yesterday morning). I went to Tesco yesterday and could have replaced this had I known, but when I glanced at the worktop and saw the tub in its usual place, I made a mental note that we don't need porridge. I went to use it this morning - empty. Just left on the worktop empty, instead of placed in the bin.

We've had this argument so many times and I always say can you please please either:

1. buy another one if you use the last of it
2. make a mental note to buy it asap
3. make a physical note on the whiteboard in our kitchen so either of us can see and buy it
4. or communicate verbally to me that it's gone so I can buy it

I honestly don't care which one of those he does. Just really really makes my day that more inconvenient looking after a baby by myself to see that the last of something has been used but left in its place and not even communicated to me!

He thinks I'm "nagging". At least he makes the porridge for our baby, at least he does the washing, etc etc. He "tries his best". My argument is, any time I use the last of something I know is an essential every day use item in the house, I do one of the above things I've listed (usually 1 or 2), so we aren't caught short without it. It takes me 2 seconds to make either a mental or physical note, so why can't he do this.

So as not to drip feed.... this is part of a larger picture of me being frustrated generally for months now with carrying most of the mental load of the household (ie if I don't think of it, it usually doesn't happen).

We both work FT if that's relevant.

Who is being unreasonable?

Dh does this too. And when i tell him to buy it, he goes to the local co-op and buys something thats a third of the price in aldi. Where i was yesterday....

Either that or he'll write something on the list on the fridge and feel he's great...and i tell him theres a full tub/jar/packet of that in the fridge hes just looked in....

I dont know the answer. Its a total head fuck. I read somewhere the happiest people are single women and married men. Makes total sense to me.

@catandcoffee @InsertPunHere

I've just read that link and WOW.

I need DP to read and digest that. Ir resonates so strongly.

It sounds like you see each incident as another example of his disrespect - of how he doesn’t value your time or mental/energy & rather than trying to support you, will inconvenience you without second thought.

100% this is how I feel.

@misskatamari

It sounds dramatic but I've considered leaving over this numerous times. If I'm going to carry the entire mental load I might as well live alone and do so, then there's no festering frustration and resentment towards another person not pulling their weight. 🤷‍♀️

@arghhhhhhffs I know this all too well... not specifically the issue or replacing things but the mental load. I can now breath a sigh of relief as we're separated!

Do you have an Alexa type device.

Using the shopping list function has improved this for us by 1000%.

And makes shopping easier 😁😁😁😁

Yes we have Alexa. I've never used the shopping list function, but regardless I'm not convinced this will solve anything. It still relies on DP instructing Alexa to put it on the list. Since he relies on instruction being given to him to function in the house, rather than the instruction coming from him, I'm not sure this would work.

Stop buying things for him. And stop reminding him of things he needs to do for himself, like buying his treats/toiletries/renewing his car insurance.

If he doesn’t want to share the load, then you stop making things convenient for him.

Essentially what would happen is, I'd be the only person asking Alexa to add things. This defeating the object of lightening the mental load.

Make it uncomfortable for him. Don't replace anything of his, when he becomes inconvenienced mention that it wasn't on the list so it wasn't replaced.

@arghhhhhhffs - I hope when he reads the blog post he can understand what it means to you.

I think you need to spell it out to him that you’re at critical point in your relationship. It doesn’t matter whether he thinks these are big issues (i.e. thinks you’re being overly dramatic), you do and you need to work together on it - that’s what a marriage is about.

However, be prepared for him not to step up. If you go down this route but put up with it anyway, then it’s doomed. You need to be ready to follow through.

I can see why it’s tempting to force him into taking on the workload but it won’t solve the root issue. Certainly, no-one understands what’s involved in a job until they take it on themselves but I’m not convinced you can manipulate him into it. Does his boss have to resort to these tactics to get him to do his job? 😵‍💫

Ugh! I’m sure you are losing all respect for him!

But you can't just not replace bin bags or the baby's porridge.

I'd find it very frustrating too.
Does he never put things into the recycling bin OP ?

Unless you are on a tight budget, I don't understand why you don't have a spare tin of porridge, box of teabags?

It does not make sense to keep having to buy things just after they have been used up.

@LadyEloise1

No he puts things on top of the recycling bin, or leaves them on the work top. Or in situ (eg empty fabric conditioner bottle left beside washing machine in utility room).

@Neverwrestlewithapig

Yes. I am absolutely loving respect for him. It's killing our relationship and I'm honestly ready to walk away.

*losing not loving 😂

My DH does this sometimes, not a problem for us usually, we just go without lol, but there's only us two so not a problem. However you have a baby whose needs take precedence, so with regards to the babies stuff, I would do what pp have said one in cupboard one in use, perhaps even more than one in cupboard, as in pick up the things that baby needs when in store even if you don't need. I realise this doesn't quite work with fresh food, but you can be prepared with some things like milk bread etc. in freezer. We also buy things like toilet rolls in massive packs , so you don't keep having to think about buying them. I know that this doesn't directly address his doing the annoying leaving packets empty but if you know there's a spare it will at least stop you having to have the ball ache of going to the store cos you've run out.

I think YABU. If this is a big problem for you, your life is pretty good.

I take it you have a pantry or a place to store multiple back ups of everything? (also what happens when they run out? At some point everything will need replacing) if you only have a tiny kitchen and only so many cupboards you don't have space to store back ups of everything.

Buy the porridge etc and use it when you need it without him knowing, then hide it so he has the inconvenience of it having run out when he needs it and then having to buy it. If he learns to tell you or writes it down, then the inconveniences will magically stop won’t they.

But you keep doing stuff for him so why would anything change?

Presumably he has always been like this but you stayed in the relationship and had a baby?

As long as you keep doing everything anyway he'll only ever see it as your job and you nagging him for no reason

Divide jobs up. Do only your jobs.

Do not do any of his jobs.

I'd make doing the shopping his job. Starting with tonight on his way home from work

So do the back up system.
I totally get that your DH is infuriating but honestly running out of essential things and then replacing them is bonkers given how busy you are.

Which means you are now too busy to do...(insert something he would like/need)

Sorry Love had to go back to Tesco to get baby porridge as the packet was empty and I didn't want DC to go hungry. didn't get time to do X. (Most annoying for him thing done)

I have to say though it took a year of training ex to put a bag in the bathroom bin.

What does he like to eat or drink? Start doing it to him, drink the last beer and leave the empty can in the fridge, east the last chocolate bar and leave the empty wrapper in the cupboard.

I bought an Alexa so we now just say 'Alexa, add xy to the shopping list' somehow my dh can manage that