Would this annoy you or do I need to chill out?

[arghhhhhhffs]

Sometimes (more often than not), when DP uses the last of something, he just leaves the empty package in situ, so it looks like there's still some there.

Latest examples include empty fabric conditioner left standing beside the washing machine, so I go to put a wash on after he has, and realise it's empty; and tin of baby porridge on the kitchen worktop in its usual place beside the kettle, with no porridge in it (he used the last of it yesterday morning). I went to Tesco yesterday and could have replaced this had I known, but when I glanced at the worktop and saw the tub in its usual place, I made a mental note that we don't need porridge. I went to use it this morning - empty. Just left on the worktop empty, instead of placed in the bin.

We've had this argument so many times and I always say can you please please either:

1. buy another one if you use the last of it
2. make a mental note to buy it asap
3. make a physical note on the whiteboard in our kitchen so either of us can see and buy it
4. or communicate verbally to me that it's gone so I can buy it

I honestly don't care which one of those he does. Just really really makes my day that more inconvenient looking after a baby by myself to see that the last of something has been used but left in its place and not even communicated to me!

He thinks I'm "nagging". At least he makes the porridge for our baby, at least he does the washing, etc etc. He "tries his best". My argument is, any time I use the last of something I know is an essential every day use item in the house, I do one of the above things I've listed (usually 1 or 2), so we aren't caught short without it. It takes me 2 seconds to make either a mental or physical note, so why can't he do this.

So as not to drip feed.... this is part of a larger picture of me being frustrated generally for months now with carrying most of the mental load of the household (ie if I don't think of it, it usually doesn't happen).

We both work FT if that's relevant.

Who is being unreasonable?

I totally get you. My husband has a really bad habit of ‘just running things’ by me. I don’t want him to. I want him to take some sort of responsibility. For context our kids are older but I work full time and he doesn’t work.

I would say he might think he’s ‘trying his best’ but it’s causing issues so from
now on, shopping is his responsibility. He can do an online shop that you can add to if you want, but ultimately he’s the one who needs to step up. So delegate this entire task to him as he won’t do the small bits.

Also have a fucking go at him because how bloody ANNOYING is he?!

I suspect you'd find life a lot easier without him there.

I recommend the book Wifework by Susan Maushart.

@Topgub

No he hasn't always been this bad, actually. It's become much more noticeable since having a baby.

The other side of that is, pre baby I wouldn't have noticed his laziness or been as inconvenienced by it as I am now, because now I literally never have a minute to myself between FT work and a young baby, and housework etc. Pre baby, if I opened the cupboards on a Friday evening / Saturday morning and noticed something essential missing that he had not replaced, I'd probably roll my eyes but it would have been easier to just sort it myself because back then I had both the time and the physical and mental energy to do so.

Now, I'm exhausted in every sense of the word, bordering on total burn out, 24/7. So now, it's absolutely crippling me having to be responsible for everything.

So it's not really as simple as "you stayed with him and had a baby knowing what he was like". It's that, now a baby is part of our lives, it creates more of a noticeable problem.

😂😂

I'm so glad you popped by to tell me how "pretty good" my life is, when I'm literally on the verge of a breakdown from total physical and mental burnout.

Silly me. I must be imagining the crippling and overwhelming exhaustion.

@arghhhhhhffs

The outcome is the same.

Nothing will change because your life was already set up this way.

You as manager/organiser/fixer.

You still fix everything now. You just 'moan' about doing it.

Stop fixing

@Topgub

I take your point but surely you understand that there things I can't just "stop fixing".

Yes, I can leave his dirty underpants on the floor where he chucked them, sure. I won't be picking those up for him. Nor will I go out of my way to make sure he has beers in the fridge, for example. But there are certain things I have to do because they aren't for him, they're for my daughter. These are the things I couldn't have possibly known, pre baby, that I would be on my own with. 🤷‍♀️

For example, If i don't take responsibility for ensuring my daughter has clothes in the correct size that fit her, no one will. If I don't pay the childminder, no one will. If I don't pay attention to the fact that we are low on nappies and need to buy more, no one will......

The outcome is that my daughter suffers and my life becomes unmanageable. So I step up by default because I have to. Thus, I might as well be a single parent, right?

And what’s his response to this?

@arghhhhhhffs

Yes.

If you genuinely think if you handed those jobs over to him and said I am not taking anything to do with that anymore, of you don't do it, it won't be done and he still wouldn't do it, he'd let your child run out of nappies. Then yes. End it now.

Because it won't ever change and you will be in this state of resentment for ever.

Have you told him this?

@Cherchezlaspice

His response is a combination of

• getting defensive/ playing the victim: "I'm doing my best too you know" And / or "you're always having a go at me"

• getting into an argument with me about it, deflecting, pointing out my faults instead: "yes but you do x and y...."

• saying "yeah ok, I'm sorry - it won't happen again" - and yet it does happen repeatedly.

@Cherchezlaspice

Yes I've told him I often wonder if life alone would be easier as I do so much anyway. He takes this as a personal criticism, and I get more of: "I do so much and it's never enough for you is it....." etc etc

YANBU. We used to use the whiteboard in the kitchen but it didn't really work for us. Now we have a shared Google keep shopping list so it's easy enough to add to. Stuff does still get forgotten at times mostly by me but it's pretty effective. Has the advantage of coming with whoever is doing the shopping to the shops.

The problem is, I genuinely don't think he believes in the concept of a "mental load". I think he thinks this is something I just say to "nag" him. Because he has never had to deal with the mental load. He just cracks on with practical tasks as and when I ask him to. So I think he's confused when I speak of the mental load I'm carrying- it's an alien concept to him. In his mind he's carrying half the physical load, so what's the issue?? 🤔

I'd he were to become a single parent overnight, he would soon see the exact issue I'm referring to, and he have to learn what the mental load means. But he doesn't have to do this, and he's not a single parent. So he will never, ever get it.

My husband has ADHD, you wouldn't last five mins with him

So, no, you haven’t said ‘this is untenable, if it continues, I will leave you if you continue to behave like this’?

And what’s your response to all his deflection? Do you back down or do you tell him everything you’ve said here? I’m guessing the former?

This isn’t your fault, he sounds like a lazy sexist arse who doesn’t value your labour. At the same time, it sounds like your pandering to him, being ‘nice’, asking ‘nicely’, occasionally losing your temper about isolated incidents and then backing down when he doesn’t agree with you. Is this accurate, or am I entirely off base?

There’s a lot of ‘he doesn’t get it’ in your posts. There’s not really anything to ‘get’. There’s labour, it needs to be done, and he’s decided that doing it is your job. It's not. And you, an articulate woman, have told him this. If there’s no change in behaviour after you’ve explained this a couple of times, it’s because he doesn’t want to change.

So, your choices are basically to put up with it or leave. He is not going to suddenly stop being lazy and misogynistic because you’ve found the ‘right’ way to explain something or because you sent him an article.

That would really piss me off
If its empty put the packaging in the bin & put the item on the whiteboard list in the kitchen.
It takes seconds and makes life SO much easier or more efficient.

Also, not sure if anyone has posted this already, but have a look at this: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

If you think having the concept of mental load explained to him will help, send him that. As I’ve stated, it’s unlikely this will result in changes behaviour. But at least not understanding the concept will be crossed off the list of excuses.

@Cherchezlaspice

Yeah, you're pretty spot on. Everything you said in that last post. It's hit home. I think I need to follow through and actually leave, for him to realise.

I’m very sorry. It’s obviously very easy to say ‘LTB’ to a stranger behind a screen, but so much harder in real life. Particularly as he’s a person with lots a character traits, some of which you no doubt love (or loved).

However, you sound so exhausted and unhappy. It sounds like he’s not bringing you any joy. I, personally, would ask him to leave at least temporarily.

I did leave my ex-husband for this. It took a long time as it wasn’t ‘that bad’ and ‘could I really break up my family for this’ etc but I just lost all respect for him, didn’t want to have sex with him as he felt like another child to me and that really wasn’t attractive at all and eventually realised that it would be easier on my own.

I now have a new partner who is my equal. He does some stuff and I do some stuff, and if one of us hasn’t done our bit the other one will pick it up as there is mutual respect and it’s just lovely to live with a solid, capable, decent, caring man.

My children do this. But they're 13 and 10.

I hope they will have learnt not to by the time they are parents themselves.

Tesco is open until 10pm here. I'd make him get the porridge on his way home.

Right now he doesn't care because you tell him off and then you pick up the pieces anyway. No consequences for him being a lazy entitled prick.

He has zero respect for your time and thinks it's your job.

I'd leave him this article to read when he gets home. matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

As for 'trying my best', does he want a Star of the Week award? Pathetic

Oops that will teach me not to read the whole thread before posting!

I think you've tried talking to him and it doesnt work.

Options are
Put up with it
Give him the majority of the practical load because you do the mental load*
Leave

*you dont get managers at work who do all the planning, strategy, organising, sorting resourcing etc...and do half of the actual doing as well. He is putting you in the position of 'manager' by not engaging in any of the mental load, but telling you it's not a real job, and not doing what you are asking him to as a result

One last thing though, with essential kids stuff, have a store of them and replace when youve using your last tin / packet etc rather than waiting til the last one is almost finished