Would this annoy you or do I need to chill out?

[arghhhhhhffs]

Sometimes (more often than not), when DP uses the last of something, he just leaves the empty package in situ, so it looks like there's still some there.

Latest examples include empty fabric conditioner left standing beside the washing machine, so I go to put a wash on after he has, and realise it's empty; and tin of baby porridge on the kitchen worktop in its usual place beside the kettle, with no porridge in it (he used the last of it yesterday morning). I went to Tesco yesterday and could have replaced this had I known, but when I glanced at the worktop and saw the tub in its usual place, I made a mental note that we don't need porridge. I went to use it this morning - empty. Just left on the worktop empty, instead of placed in the bin.

We've had this argument so many times and I always say can you please please either:

1. buy another one if you use the last of it
2. make a mental note to buy it asap
3. make a physical note on the whiteboard in our kitchen so either of us can see and buy it
4. or communicate verbally to me that it's gone so I can buy it

I honestly don't care which one of those he does. Just really really makes my day that more inconvenient looking after a baby by myself to see that the last of something has been used but left in its place and not even communicated to me!

He thinks I'm "nagging". At least he makes the porridge for our baby, at least he does the washing, etc etc. He "tries his best". My argument is, any time I use the last of something I know is an essential every day use item in the house, I do one of the above things I've listed (usually 1 or 2), so we aren't caught short without it. It takes me 2 seconds to make either a mental or physical note, so why can't he do this.

So as not to drip feed.... this is part of a larger picture of me being frustrated generally for months now with carrying most of the mental load of the household (ie if I don't think of it, it usually doesn't happen).

We both work FT if that's relevant.

Who is being unreasonable?

You need to start your own thread

As baby gets older make him in charge of stuff eg I've never done childcare vouchers / paying for clubs / admin around certain activities we do - I made them completely DH job as soon as they started.

I'm also in charge of paying for childcare so..... I imagine the school admin will also be on me.

But likely I'd have left him to be a single mum before it gets to that point, if nothing changes.

Yanbu, he’s being an inconsiderate sexist dick. But he’s not listening so you need to make his actions impact HIM. Would it work to be less organised and not sort the issue yourself? So, “notice” there’s no baby porridge just after he has sat down for the evening so he needs to go out to the shop and buy more. Or maybe take over entire areas each so he does all shopping/planning/checking and you do all laundry for example? Without having responsibility for an entire task he will always be able to leave the mental load bit of things to you.

Very disrespectful and very deliberate.

He is choosing to do this.

The name calling of you, "nag" is deeply offensive.

Would he like if you called him a waster or a gobshite , that can't follow a simple request that makes your life easier?

Stop buying anything when shopping that he needs.

Every time you find an empty packet of something as him to pop to the shops, calmly, every time.

Also consider handing over responsibilities for all shopping to him.

His refusal to work with you and then call you a nag is not a good sign for a long happy relationship.

Be careful OP, why would a man who genuinely cared for you and the general state of his marriage do this?

I don't believe he does.
He is detaching from the relationship IMO.

How are your domestic responsibilities shared or divided? Start there.

Handing over entire tasks completely (and then sticking to not stepping in to sort out any fuck-ups when they inevitably occur) is pretty much the only way to deal with this.

I suggest he is in charge of grocery shopping. If there’s no baby porridge because he forgot to order more because it was running low then you will need to feed baby something else for breakfast (so he’s correct on the solution) and this will be annoying but eventually it will annoy him too and he’ll have to up his game.

Some things which work well in our house

• a shared notes app for the shopping list, this is also good if there's anything in particular DP would like for dinner or lunch etc ("oh can you pick up some stuff for fajitas" etc)

• going to the shop together or doing the online shop together

• asking before I go to the shop if there's anything we've run out of or are running low on that I might have missed. It's usually at this point he'll be like "I used the last of my shampoo this morning" or "DD hasn't got any cereal for tomorrow" etc.

Overall it's just a communication issue and it seems like he's very immature when it comes to communicating

That is very disrespectful.

At work, does he rely on being told what to do every day by a boss or does he understand what daily tasks are needed to keep things running smoothly and check them off from his mental list? Would he think a colleague who needed constant direction was a useful person to have around, no matter how helpful they were once directed? Would he be pleased at having to remember not only his own job, but every aspect of someone else's job so that he could tell them what they needed to do every single day, without expecting that they'd ever figure it out for themselves or work without direction? It's absolutely ridiculous.

If saying things like that isn't hammering it home, you need to start doing the same thing. Don't wash his clothes, because he didn't specifically tell you that they needed to be washed. Don't cook his dinner because he didn't specifically tell you that he needed to eat. Whatever it is that you're currently doing for him on autopilot, just stop. And then point out that he expects direction for every last thing but doesn't think that you should get the same.

And yes, I agree with other posters - he needs to take responsibility for entire jobs himself and you need to step back and not get involved when he inevitably forgets something or messes up How on earth is it fair that it's all left to you?

You should read the book Fair Play or google it, it's about how to readdress the balance, it's not on that he is being a shitty team member then getting out of criticism by claiming you are "nagging" him !! Sexist! He is doing it on purpose, he wouldn't get away with forgetting to do something like this over and over at work.

Alternatively you could go nuclear and either have a massive row about household stuff or a sit down calm and stern talk or passive aggressive pile up all the empty stuff to show him/use up stuff he uses and just leave it there

Or maybe a chore list everyday pinned up on the fridge for everyone since he wants to claim you are nagging, if it's on The List it gets done regardless

I would go on strike and just do stuff for you and baby

Oh I get it OP. Good luck with getting him to change. I've spent 30 years carrying the mental load, and now my BH has Parkinson's dementia.
It's unreasonable of me, but it makes me extra annoyed because of all the years when he could have changed! Now, of course, he can't, and it's not his fault, poor love.
Anyway, YANBU keep at it.

Alexa has stopped this for us. We just have to say Alexa put x on the list. It has been a game changer. All 6 of the teens/adults can do it amazingly.

"Now I have to go back to Tesco today. Yay."

Why? He needs to drop everything and go, immediately. Stop stepping up! If he thinks you should buy the ready brek then he needs to go Tesco and buy the baby porridge plus the ready brek she apparently needs. Then he can try and feed it to her for supper/breakfast.

Are there any things he needs/ uses that you don’t really that you can stop making a mental note about? I think the only way he is going to step up is if there is an actual consequence to not writing things down. If he enjoys a few beers at the weekend or a particular snack etc stop buying them unless they are on the shopping list. Get him in the habit of writing things down when they’re used up through ensuring it’s him who misses out if they’re not there.

I also like a pp idea of buying things to replace the things he’s finished without any indication but hiding them away and not telling him and trying to engineer it so that it’s him who is trying to do the thing without what he needs. Or if you notice somethings missing and you can pass the job to him do that, so if you go to put a wash on and there’s no detergent give it to him as a job. When he says he can’t do it point out it was him that used it up and hasn’t told anyone and that he’d best pop out to the shop to replace it.

On that note, why is it you that has to go to Tesco for baby porridge today? He finished it and he failed to tell you before you went and did the main shop so surely it’s his responsibility to go and buy more today, not yours.

@MolkosTeenageAngst

He works every other weekend - this evening til 9pm. So I have to replace the items myself.

We split tasks, so for example he is 100% responsible for the washing and making sure we have washing powder etc. I was so cross when the washing machine broke when he was away and I had to source a replacement instead of him doing it 😂

When we tried to share tasks, I would always end up picking up his slack, and he would expect me to direct and manage everything which was what I wanted to get away from. This way we have clear boundaries and it works much better.

My OH is like this. We are way past the baby years but it nearly broke us so I empathise completely about the mental load.

What helped for me was keeping everything simple. Telling him how it made me feel and trying to reason with him just got me nowhere. It just made me feel worse.

He is a simple creature so I kept things simple. If I found an empty packet I would hand it to him. "That needs to go in the bin and be written on the shopping list". We would argue at first but it worked, because actually he couldn't say I was unreasonable asking him to do that.

When I shop I will get everything on the list and nothing else. If he's out and asks what we need, I send him a photo of the list. If it's not on the list because he didn't put it on there, he has to go and do another trip when he realises.

You say you've now got to go to Tesco. Don't do that, because that's rewarding his behaviour.

It will only get worse when you're supposed to know everything about school times and childcare etc so get a shared calendar app (we use Timetree), and keep it simple on there too. I write things on there and when he asks abkut something I say "I can't remember, what does it say on the calendar?".

Sorry that was long. In summary, give simple instructions and actual consequences. Don't bother talking about it!

I echo this.

Also, it's not luxury items like beers etc that this happens with. I wouldn't even notice luxury items to be honest, I'm in survival mode most of the time as I'm so busy and exhausted so I just focus on the essentials. It's essential every day use items that he does this with.

That’s frustrating! In hindsight I suppose he should have gone out yesterday evening. If you sort all his fuck ups he will never change so either you need to push him to sort them or, if he won’t, I would be questioning why you’re with him. A relationship should be a team, he should want to sort out the things he’s done to make life harder for you, not expect you to just put up with the extra work because of his mistakes.

He can't he's at work til 9pm

This situation will lead you to feeling like you have a teenage son to manage as well as a baby and - I’m pretty sure - sex will go out the window. Why would you want to when he is making you feel like his mother??!! He needs to adult. I can’t imagine he needs someone at work to do all his thinking for him so he shouldn’t need it at home either. For me, this is up there with dad’s ’baby-sitting’ their children. Nope, it’s called ‘parenting’. Just because you’re the woman doesn’t mean you do all the mental load.

You need a heart-to-heart (again).

Express that you are heading towards a mental burn-out and need to work as a partnership. He doesn’t want you to ‘nag’ and you don’t want to be a ‘nag’ (😡) so what are you both going to do about it before the resentment well and truly sets in? Avoid the accusations and try to figure out the flashpoints and solutions together. Ok, so the whiteboard works for you but clearly not for him. What can he suggest? As a pp mentioned, could you get an Alexa or similar so it’s done by voice and updates a shared list?

Approach this problem together without silly games to get one up on the other one. You are supposed to a team.

It can get better. I know from experience!

He works so often that these situations only inconvenience me, not him. Because I'm the one left at home a lot of the time trying to manage the house and a baby, without the things I need because he used them up and didn't bother to communicate it.

I'm with you - I would be seriously annoyed with his repeat behaviour. Even my 3 kids remember to say "Alexa add xyz to shopping list" when items run low.

@Neverwrestlewithapig

All the things you suggest me saying to him - already tried this, several times.

He nods, makes the right noises ... then repeats the same behaviour

When he inevitably repeats the same behaviour, I try again.

And again.

Then I lose my patience and snap at him, and say we've had this conversation so many times, and it's still happening.

Then he gets annoyed / defensive and I get all the "nag" / "trying my best" / "you're never happy" type comments.

Rinse. And repeat.

I'm fucking drained.