Would this annoy you or do I need to chill out?

[arghhhhhhffs]

Sometimes (more often than not), when DP uses the last of something, he just leaves the empty package in situ, so it looks like there's still some there.

Latest examples include empty fabric conditioner left standing beside the washing machine, so I go to put a wash on after he has, and realise it's empty; and tin of baby porridge on the kitchen worktop in its usual place beside the kettle, with no porridge in it (he used the last of it yesterday morning). I went to Tesco yesterday and could have replaced this had I known, but when I glanced at the worktop and saw the tub in its usual place, I made a mental note that we don't need porridge. I went to use it this morning - empty. Just left on the worktop empty, instead of placed in the bin.

We've had this argument so many times and I always say can you please please either:

1. buy another one if you use the last of it
2. make a mental note to buy it asap
3. make a physical note on the whiteboard in our kitchen so either of us can see and buy it
4. or communicate verbally to me that it's gone so I can buy it

I honestly don't care which one of those he does. Just really really makes my day that more inconvenient looking after a baby by myself to see that the last of something has been used but left in its place and not even communicated to me!

He thinks I'm "nagging". At least he makes the porridge for our baby, at least he does the washing, etc etc. He "tries his best". My argument is, any time I use the last of something I know is an essential every day use item in the house, I do one of the above things I've listed (usually 1 or 2), so we aren't caught short without it. It takes me 2 seconds to make either a mental or physical note, so why can't he do this.

So as not to drip feed.... this is part of a larger picture of me being frustrated generally for months now with carrying most of the mental load of the household (ie if I don't think of it, it usually doesn't happen).

We both work FT if that's relevant.

Who is being unreasonable?

Stop shagging him. He’ll soon complain and you can tell him he is nagging, and doesn’t he see you are trying your best picking up after him, doing all the thinking, so sometimes you forget to shag him and that’s allowed.

I can't count the number of times I've said to him, through tears: "I'm exhausted from carrying the entire mental load. I need your help. I'm burning out."

This is when he nods, says "I'll try harder" etc.

And then repeats his previous behaviour. 🤷‍♀️

He's doing it because he knows you'll sort it all out.....aka lazy fucker.

Buy extra of baby food and store it elsewhere.

Same with loo roll toothpaste and so on.

I'd not actually buy anything for him.
he's not concerned about you having to do it all,is he...lazy man.

Concentrate on you and your child's priority needs... let him fend for himself.

😂

Get him to install a Morrisons/ASDA/Tesco app on his phone.

Resign with immediate effect from being the one that makes sure you have everything in.

Hand the job over wholesale. He has a lunch hour, he can order things in that for the very next day.

When you go to the baby porridge and it's empty, you just text him to add porridge to the shop. Needs to be delivered tomorrow.

Make the baby a different breakfast.

A completely different kind of nagging. That actually gets you the items you need.

Honestly, you need a giant change and one that shifts this kind of stuff wholly onto him. It's the only way.

Whilst YANBU, surely you know you are getting short of binbags before you get to last one?
If he is responsible for doing the porridge, leave him too it and if there is no more, he will have to urgently buy some. If you are both responsible for some mornings, again, you will have noticed it running low and I would have thought with baby food, but line too to toothpaste, you would always try and have a spare, and stick up as soon as you start the spare.
However, I do understand the rage. For me it is normally toilet rolls!!

I would go on strike and just do stuff for you and baby

The things he leaves empty and doesn't replace do inconvenience me and baby, though. That's the point. Without washing stuff I can't wash her / my clothes. Without porridge she has no breakfast. Etc..

I sympathise op as my husband is the same. I haven't found a solution yet. We do both have Codo lists on our phones which are shared so we can see each others lists and add things, but relies on him looking at the list and marking things off etc. Has helped a but though.

Re the nagging, I tell my husband its not nagging it's asking more than once, so if he doesn't like it he needs to do things the first time I ask.

Unfortunately men are inherently lazy and very easily get used to women doing things for them (I know NAMALT but a great deal are!).

The problem is the defensiveness. That goes deeper than any of the issues a couple face over the years, in my experience.

The attitude that if you point out a problem, it is 'criticism' or 'an attack' or 'nagging' becomes impossible to live with, as it is deeply immature. If there is a problem, your husband needs to listen, understand, see it as something that can be worked on and improved (even if he disagrees with you on the detail), not as a threat or as a sign that you don't love him enough or are too 'critical'. This applies to small things (empty packets, annoying table manners, etc) and big things (issues with sex, money, health, childrearing, infidelity, bereavement, etc).

I'm so sorry.

This would be a "serious think about the relationship" type thing now for me.

He isn't trying his best.

He's lazy and showing a complete lack of respect for you.

You have asked nicely, you have tried to communicate as an equal partner, so that you can both share the load of parenting and life. As you should! And he just can't be arsed!

Any man who cracks out the "you're a nag" enters into huge red flag territory. It's so fucking dismissive and belittling. Big important man doing nothing wrong, trying his absolute hardest poor diddums and his silly wife deigns to nag nag nag, can't she see how important and right he is...

Fuck that!

All of the things you've mentioned, fair enough, we're human, we do stuff like this.
Once your partner has discussed this with you, shown how much your actions are negatively affecting them etc, and you still do fuck all to change - no. You're just a selfish man child as it makes me so angry on your behalf op.

I don't have much advice because it seems like you have tried everything. Maybe a final attempt to spell it out "this behaviour is affecting me, if it doesn't change I WILL leave this relationship because I'm not willing to live like this" and bloody do it. If he won't change, he won't change, and either live like this, or you don't. I'm sorry, I know it must be so utterly exhausting and disappointing. Your husband is being a complete arse in all this

That would really annoy me too.

This 'at least I do X' isn't acceptable. He's not a kid, he's a fully fledged capable adult. I bet he doesn't need someone at work telling him what he should be doing all the time. And I bet like my kids, he doesn't need telling when it's something that they like or they want.

Count how many things there are in one cupboard, the bathroom etc just to give him an idea of the amount of things you would have to check to make sure you're stocked up and how much easier it is to make a note of when something has run out.

OP Google the following.

my wife divorced me because I left dishes by the sink.

Sorry can't do the clicky thing.

Toilet roll. He leaves the empty cardboard tube on the holder and sometimes balances a new roll ontop 🙄 it boils me.

I purposefully didn't put a new roll on once knowing it was his poo time. I know I'm petty but sitting in the living room waiting for him to give in and shout for help made my day. It did not however change his ways.

This is helpful, I'm going to make these points to him tonight.

I can absolutely guarantee that he does not need constant direction at work to get on with the job.

The problem is that, he doesn't see home as a "job". It's just a place he comes home to and does some tasks if he's directed / asked to. He doesn't see it as a place where he needs to make any mental effort.

Resulting in:

Practical load split : roughly 50/50
Mental load split : 99% me, 1% him,

I gave him 1% because he's done one thing this year on his own initiative without direction from me: he was out shopping and he picked up a new winter coat for the baby because he thought she would be needing one soon. I was like 😱😱 and overly praised it (😂): "wow thank you so much, that's a gorgeous coat too! Thank you for thinking of that, it's one thing off my mental list" etc etc.

Alas. We have no lasting change. It was a one off. I shall singlehandedly now continue to ensure the baby has a winter wardrobe that fits her ....... 😭

This is what @catandcoffee meant, and it’s great:

matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

The first line of your second paragraph made me actually laugh out loud.

His "poo time" 😂😂

Seriously op. You need to spend a month doing what I suggested and let things run out but keep a secret stash for yourself. Don't get mad get even.

I would even engineer it so that the stuff that matters to HIM (beer, shaving foam, whatever) runs out and you don't replace it.

Will do 😊

@ManxRhyme

The stuff that matters to him is, funnily enough, always in full supply. 🤔

It sounds like you see each incident as another example of his disrespect - of how he doesn’t value your time or mental/energy & rather than trying to support you, will inconvenience you without second thought.

He, on the other hand, just wonders why you get so het up about baby porridge.

You can’t solve this problem by yourself :( You could order an Alexa, set up regular deliveries of everyday items & so on but, I think, you’ll still feel the disrespect in other ways.

I get it. Just not sure how you can make your dh get it too :(

YANBU.
Same happens here and because we’re efficient it gives the get out that ‘it’s easy’

online shopping maybe? We hv discussion once week and add it all then. Anything missing waits a week.

@Wifflywafflywoo LOVE the poo time protest - quiet victories are the best

Hide it! All of it - then feign forgetting.

Keep spares for you to use. make it inconvenient for him. I agree with some of the previous posters on this.

@arghhhhhhffs @PhoneyM

It was unbelievably satisfying sitting waiting because I knew it would kill him having to shout down.

He has his three fixed poo times every day, never knew that would work to my advantage.

I agree that he doesn't pull this shit at work.

Ultimately, he sees the house as your job and thinks he's helping you by doing the things he does. He doesn't take on any of the mental load because he doesn't want to.

I saw Marie Kondo talking about how she splits the jobs in her home and they split whole jobs. For example, the person in charge of laundry, does the whole process of laundry from picking up the dirty clothes, putting them in the machine, making sure there is laundry powder, hanging it out to dry, and putting the laundry away. That way, they are not just cherry picking the easy parts of a job and they are also taking on the mental load as well.

My mum did similar. She asked my dad to be in charge of keeping the kitchen clean, so he did everything in the kitchen from loading/unloading the dishwasher, mopping the floor, emptying bins, etc.

It means you are not "nagging" him all the time. He can crack on with his own jobs at his own pace in his own way.

Maybe something to think about.