DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

Absolutely this.

This

You are both working full-time and both tired.
This is a really tough time for you both-even if he does get some rest on the days he doesn't come home. You are both doing more than is reasonable - so anger and resentment seem a pretty natural response.

Keep in mind a particular danger of that long commute in your present situation.

Lack of sleep can be as bad for driving as going over the drink-drive limit.

OP is there any way you can get some help I understand the financial issue, although it seems to elude some, but do you have any family locally who could have the baby for a short time, even an hour or two a day would help, can you do a chunk of your work at weekends and your husband cope with the children, it could make the week easier.

Childcare isn't cheap but a friend of mine paid a teenager who was doing an access to healthcare course to help with hers for a couple of hours every evening, she had 4 under school age so it was a handul. The teenager used it on her CV and it was cheap help for my friend.

Do you have any idea when the move will happen, if it is only a few weeks can any of your work hold off till then.

It sounds impossible but you could maybe juggle things to make it a bit easier.

Your husband is probably tired, you are almost certainly tired and he is probably mad at the situation rather than being mad at you.

Good luck.

She sounds desperate not to do any parenting, out of principle. I would have thought being a mother would trump that, but seemingly not.

And nobody is suggesting childcare is a) free or b) solely your responsibility 🙄

Either you work full-time and do your masters while DH stays home on paternity, or you stay home on maternity and put your Masters on hold for a while.

Well if you have to do it then you have to accept it is going to be incredibly hard on all 4 of you. You are all going to get tired so you just need to forgive each other for getting pissed off at times.

How long until you live nearer to his work and the nursery? Things will be a bit easier then. Then you need to find childcare for your youngest. Maybe not full time but perhaps someone who can come and do a couple of hours in the morning.

You keep saying that you did it before.... but the last time you didn't have a 3yr also. It's tough, I get it. But to be honest I think you've made or overly complicated. You should have put your DS into a local nursery so that you could drop him off when suits rather than staying him up for a 90min journey at 6am.
There's a reason for maternity leave, and it's not because you should do a full time masters.

This.

OP - why did you take maternity leave?

Replying about me on my own thread in the third person is pretty rude. Not sure how having my baby home every day and my 3yo home four days each week is “desperate not to do any parenting”. If I were sat around doing nothing else or spending the rest of my time doing housework or socialising or exercising then I can’t imagine that would be considered “desperate not to do any parenting”. I’m spending considerably more time with my children than people who work full-time outside of the house, am I not?

I would say you are unreasonable. You should be waking with the baby whilst on maternity leave as your partner is working. You chose to do the course and that’s your fault

His nursery where we live currently filled his space after we gave notice (notice is a full term so was given in March). They couldn’t take him back this term.

He chose to work. Isn’t that his fault too?

just to add. I started my masters with a 6 month old. He went to nursery at 6 months whilst I went to university and placement. I did every night feed. Maybe you should’ve waited until your little one was old enough to start childcare?

Wait I missed the part about your toddler being at home for 2 days a week. Is the plan genuinely to do your Masters with a 7 week old and 3 year old in the house while you're doing it? You are on day 11 so it hasn't even ramped up yet. Have you actually got any work done on those days?

I think this situation is going to repeat a lot over the next few months. So I guess your choice is to change it or put up with it. I’m not really sure what you want people to say.

You sound so bitter. Stop being competitive with your husband, your children are more important than this principle you seem hung up on.

Your saying you a required to do your masters while on maternity leave or you'll be terminated?

Yeah pretty certain that would be ILLEGAL.

Also if its a requirement how have you done your job up until now?

In terms of your OP - YABU.
It sounds very much like your husband should have taken the paternity leave instead of your maternity. As it is, you're on mat leave and should be responsible for the children, that's why your off from work (masters is irrelevant, you've made that mistake yourself). Teaching is really difficult especially at the start of term. Earning is irrelevant really. Except it would have probably saved you money for him to have paternity leave rather than you!

Ideally, I wanted people to respond to what I asked instead of jumping on my lifestyle choice and completely derailing the thread. Silly me though, eh? Haha 😂

You have 2 now, it's not the same equation

I voted YABU because of your most recent posts. Your DH more than pulls his weight and perhaps feels a little unappreciated by you. To paraphrase, you mentioned he:

1. Put his career on hold to go PT for your son when you did your first masters.
2. Gets up and commutes to work and picks up and drops son off to nursery (which you don't have to do at present).
3. Works in teaching (which as a teacher myself is low paying, high stress, and low morale with snippets of joy from the kids if they aren't abusing you)
4. You state you are the higher earner, which can be demoralising for the other partner.
5. You sound highly strung and defensive - which isn't the same as ambitious.
6. Your children aren't spending much quality time with either of you, except your husband in the holidays. OP are you even willing for one moment to consider this from his perspective? I think maybe going part-time on your masters would help all of you in this situation, however, you don't seem to want a solution as you shoot everyone down when they suggest something. Instead, you seem to be confrontational with posters and seeking to chastise your husband for being short on text messages to you with no regard for his own work/life stresses. I feel like all you want to hear is LTB!

I would let partner stay up till 3 then have a 90 minute drive at 6
he could fall asleep at the wheel kill himself and others

Did you not discuss this before baby arrived?

I'm a hardcore feminist - this isn't a feminist issue. Someone needs to take parental leave to parent these small children.

No, I didn’t say that. Other posters said that and I corrected them