DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

Yeah but you asked if your DH was being a dick. The answer is possibly but it's clear why and if you don't want to have this argument at least once a week for the next year you both need to accept why it's happening.

Good job that didn’t happen then

But it’s your lifestyle that’s the issue. It’s not derailing - this is going to happen again and again because of your lifestyle. Say your kid gets a horrible cold tomorrow, who’s sleeping tomorrow night?

We attempted to do similar after our second child, I was trying to finish a PhD on mat leave and my husband teaching with a v long commute, it nearly broke us. You aren't taking any mat leave and are expecting your husband with an intense job and long commute to look after a baby in the night? Your course should be put on hold until you return from mat leave, it's far too much to juggle. I have 3 children now too and work ft, my youngest is just over 1, if my husband didn't have a 5min commute to work and I didn't wfh we'd never cope. I don't think what you are doing is sustainable for any length of time. Such a small baby you should be directing your energy towards them, or allow your husband to have shared maternity/paternity leave.

Why didn't you make it a condition of your doing the masters that he takes shared parental leave? Did you suggest it? If so, did he refuse? If so, did you just go ahead with the masters anyway?

You seem mad at him for how hard things are for you, but you need to hold yourself accountable here for making a bonkers decision. The benefit of doubling up on SMP and masters funding doesn't seem to outweigh the detriment to every other aspect of your family life.

Ok. Whatever the rights and wrongs or ups and downs of this it all comes down to YOU ARE OVERSTRETCHED AS A COUPLE you’ve got too much on your plate to cope like this.

There is a reason maternity leave it there, the first few months are brutal and you deserve that time without work commitments. Instead the time that should be being used to look after a small child is being filled with studying in place of a full time job.

If you need to work essentially FT then go back to work and let your DH be off on shared parental leave would be my suggestion.

You trying to fit a masters into your mat leave whilst DH works full time a 1.5 hours drive away and you have a house move going on is INSANE! Regardless of whether you have to right to do it for the sake of your career…it doesn’t matter this situation is just going to be hideous and toxic and you’ll both be so exhausted and sleep deprived I’d be surprised if you last.

I’ve got two children 14 months apart so I speak from personal experience x

If you’re only working full time like every other mother, and it’s totally doable, then I’m not sure what your beef is? Not sure how shared parental leave has even been mentioned as you’re not doing that? Maybe that would have been a better option. Or even just postponing your MA for six months so the baby can go to nursery.

You and your husband are completely exhausted after a week of trying this. Let’s hope your baby starts sleeping through the night soon and your house purchase goes through soon as well because you know this is unsustainable the way it is.

It sounds totally unsustainable. Either you are on maternity or you are doing a full time masters.
If you are set on doing the 2nd masters right now (why do 2?) then you need DH to be a sahd or put both children in full time childcare eg a nanny will take a baby as young as yours.
He can’t commute like that and work full time in a demanding job and be up in night with baby - you are just setting him up to fall asleep at wheel etc.
Whole set up sounds totally unsafe. You know those stories in America where children die in car as their parent forgets to drop them off at daycare and everyone is like how can you be so tired it’s because they they have commutes, high workloads and tiny children.
Something has to give. You need to sleep. You need to give children time and care - either you or childcare - you can’t work and do adequate childcare.

It sounds like you need to come up with a solid plan of who is actually caring for these children and both fit your work commitments around it - currently it's all about work and not about the children who are very little and need a solid parent with 100% focus.

Sorry OP i haven’t RTFT but I think you’re utterly mad to do a full time course with two toddlers and a FT working partner who has a long commute to a new job. What were you thinking!? What was your employer thinking!? You need to postpone your course and focus on looking after your family, which is what mat leave is for.

I am in a similar situation. My DC3 was 15 weeks when I started a highly pressured professional exam for reasons I won’t go into.

DH works full time running his own company and I run my own also meaning if we aren’t there things don’t move forward.

I have been studying atleast 20 hours a week for the last 7 months while still running my company, dealing with two older children and a new baby.

I also took a qualification for two years while my middle child was between 1 and 3 and found it highly manageable.

However doing my current studying has left me exhausted like I didn’t believe possible, I get the bare minimum done to keep things together and my biggest regret is that DC3 has missed out on the attention my older two got. I have less than 10 weeks to go but I am burnt out and not sure how I’ll manage.

Just because it was possible before does not mean it is now - you have an older DC, a house move and your DH is working full time.

I’m not saying you will feel like me and you obviously have managed before but I would urge you to reconsider everything you have taken on - I felt fine for the first 3 months of my course but not anymore.

In response to your DH I think it sound more like tiredness than mad which all parents of new babies go through and would say that no one wins in a game of competitive tiredness.

In any event good luck with your masters!

This seems very badly thought out.

Why are you so bitter and hellbent on blaming your husband? You chose to do a masters whilst on maternity leave and your husband working full time.

Maternity leave is there so you can leave everything else and be maternal. Sorry to be blunt.

...oh and teaching is a shit hard slog, never mind doing it on no sleep.

Mat leave is great but please please enjoy it and DROP the studies for now. If I was in your situ, I'd have had a breakdown by now. Wait a minute, I DID have a breakdown on mat leave with 2 under 2, and I wasn't even studying ATST.
Get a grip.

Completely agree.

What you're currently doing is unsustainable. Yes you did it before but you didn't have 2 kids.

Read the room OP, this isn't a good set up at all.

I don't know what you expect people to say. You seem very defensive. Perhaps because you know deep down this is unsustainable.

It's completely and utterly bonkers.

I think when you have time off from parent young DC when you're in the thick of it actually can make you more resentful. Your DH got 2 nights off and then struggled to step back into parent and partner mode - well that's my take on it.

Yes he was unreasonable to take it out in you and be snappy. I hope you are able to talk through it calmly this evening because you both being knackered could crop up repeatedly.

Hopefully your youngest can go to childcare soon and you manage to move.

Simply you have two much on. You just cannot do all these things.

You have to state that you’re returning to work for him to access this I believe so may not solve your issue.

Thank you for your insight. I really appreciate it and have taken it on board. Which area were your professional exams in? Good luck with it all and well done.

That’s exactly what you say in post Op. He had baby until 3am. Then had a window to sleep uninterrupted until leaving at 6am with your 3 year old. So 2.5 hours sleep at best.
You might be happy him driving himself and your child on 2.5 hours sleep but he’s high risk of falling asleep and killing them and others. It’s dangerous.

Where did I blame him?

Well.. you may not have directly blamed him but you're not taking any accountability yourself.

Just defensive and gripey. I feel for your husband tbh.

You mentioned parental leave earlier - why did DH decide not to take any? It would have seemed to be the obvious solution.

If the answer was your husband taking paid parental leave to provide childcare since you are in a more than full time hours program that you can't miss - why didn't he take it? He could have told the school months ago that he wouldn't be back for the fall term. It doesn't sound like he is wanting to do this commute / work full time / spend nights up with the baby arrangement you have so I don't get why he didn't go on paid leave so you could study and he could be at home doing childcare?

OP you can’t restrict people to only commenting on the very narrow question you asked without them having views on the situation that has caused it. I know why you want to (rude husband will get you support, what you’re choosing to do does not) but it’s a ridiculous expectation.

and my view, you’re either working for a toxic employer, or you’re extremely selfish.

but he's not doing this so it's irrelevant.

You have decided between you that you are currently on MATERNITY leave (i.e. you, the mother, are taking the shared parental leave at this time). But you are doing a masters while on leave. Which is not what maternity leave is for.

I’m unsure why I’m being unreasonable continuing to do my job but DH isn’t unreasonable for continuing to do his, especially when it was a mutual decision.

If you had gone back to work after the statutory period and your DH was taking his share of the parental leave, it would be equally appropriate for him to go to work or do a masters. But he is not the one on leave at the moment. You are.

The whole reason for having leave (annual, parental, adoption, whatever) is because it is recognised that staff need to have a certain amount of time to NOT WORK in order to be healthy enough to work again. Therefore you are being unreasonable to keep working while you are being paid to not work. DH is not being unreasonable to work while he is being paid to work.

why is childcare more my responsibility than his

because you are currently being paid and have been allocated leave specifically to look after your child and he isn't. Doesn't mean you it will always be more your responsibility than his, when you are both back in work it should be equal. But you are currently the one on maternity/shared parental leave