DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

So you decided it would be a good idea because you can get mat pay and masters bursary. However a newborn baby is a full time job, as is the masters, so how are you going to do it all? Give up sleeping?

Plenty of mothers work full-time, it’s not the 50s anymore

You mentioned he's a teacher. It's back to school and that is exhausting on itself. Throw disturbed sleep into the mix and long commute he will be as exhausted as you. Ok he's getting full night's sleep twice a week and going to the gym, very nice. But he also did the night shift that night and is now just tired.
You are just tired.

It is harder having 2 children no matter if one of them is at nursery, there is more mental load for both of you plus jobs/studying etc.

Yes things are shit but I think you have to accept that you are in an unusual position by doing a master's on mat leave. I was so sleep deprived I barely functioned as a human, let alone anything else.

Totally unworkable situation! Something has to be changed, because tempers will be lost and this will not be good for your relationship.

TBH taking on a masters once you found out you were pregnant was IMO not a wise choice. Or having another baby knowing you would have to do the masters to retain your employment was IMO not a wise choice.

I feel horrible for you because it must feel like you're really being attacked. But the reality is your plans are unsustainable and I think people are trying to let you know it's not surprising you're all struggling. I suspect you are used to being very effective and successful but you are still a human being. Accept you have limitations as everyone does. I'm sure your limitations are much less narrow than most people's.

Your poor DS is the one that’s really got the shitty end of the stick hasn’t he? He must be exhausted.

as long as it suits you and your DH though eh

OP I had a bit of a mad year the year my second was born. Not work but a lot of very big life stuff, financial issues, relationship issues, bereavements, big moves, medical issues etc etc.

It literally broke my body. Half the hair on my head fell out. A condition that had sometimes bothered me became chronic. One of my organs stopped functioning. My body will honestly never be the same again.

Drop some plates, now.

A lot of mothers work full time, no one is disagreeing with you on that. BUT any GOOD Mother would not be doing what you are doing, your poor ds is suffering massivly and no way is your baby getting the time and attention they need.

A burnt out Mum is not going to be a good Mum unfortunately.

Oh do calm down. Plenty of children attend nursery for as long as he’s out of the house and they do that permanently. This is one day.

You're not just working full time though, OP. You're working DOUBLE full time. Maternity leave is full time work.

Unless the house move is imminent (as in a couple of weeks), I think you should move ds to a nursery local to you. 1.5hrs each way in the car plus a full day at nursery is not really very good. At least with a local one you could do more days (shorter times) and give yourself more time spread across the week to work - they could even take the baby so you can actually work.

I’m doing nothing more than working full-time though, am I?

I hope for your sake your new baby doesn't turn out to be a difficult baby. They aren't all the same and don't follow the rule book. Just because you manged before doesn't mean you will again. And you didn't have a 3yo to boot last time. The poor 3yo must be exhausted getting up to leave the house at 6am for a full day at nursery and 3 hours of commuting everyday.

This whole situation is so sad for the children.

Parental leave exists for a reason. Enjoy your bloody baby fgs. You could have postponed your masters as soon as you found out you were pregnant and deferred it until the baby was 9 months old or your mat leave would be over, pop children into nursery closer to home with no commute and do your masters then.

Honestly it baffles me.

The whole situation is completely unsustainable for both of you. One of you will end up having some kind of breakdown if you try and carry on like this.

Maternity leave is there for you to recover from the birth and look after your newborn, not for you study 45 hours a week on top of doing full-time childcare for that newborn.

Either you need to go back to work and do your masters alongside your full-time job while DH takes parental leave, OR you need to take your maternity leave properly and continue with your masters once you're back at work and both children are in childcare.

Continuing on the way you are is just utterly ridiculous.

Not many work full-time without proper childcare in place.

This set up is nuts.

Somebody has to be on leave or the kids both in FT nursery.

Why aren't you taking any time off? Can't you postpone your Masters or do it over two years? This isn't about principle of who does what - it's about the welfare of you all, especially those two small children who are getting nobody's full attention.

You can't work full-time and do full-time childcare though, it's not fair on anyone.

But it's not - you said 3 days a week.

I took six weeks off, as plenty of mothers do

Oh it was a one off was it? From your op it seems that this is going to be a regular thing - up at 5, out the house at 6am, 1.5 hour commute, full day of nursery, and then back at the end of the day.

you might have only done it once so far but it’s still going to be shit for your 3 year old

Normally when people work FULL time with small children they have childcare, which you do not!

Then, if you’re expecting him to use shared parental leave so you can study for your Masters, he needs to be ON LEAVE!! He can’t sustain the commute, the full on working week and being up for half the night and something will end up giving - potentially his health or his concentrating while on the commute leading to something catastrophic happening.

I think YABU to expect him to do as much as he is so you can study while DC2 is so young. Either you’re on mat leave or you’re studying - in which case, you need to find suitable childcare for DC2 for the number of hours your employer is expecting you to study.

Yes but then those mothers put their children into some form of childcare when they start working again.

Which you haven't.

So OP is headed for a divorce and possibly a nervous breakdown. That's not feminism, that's madness.

And those mothers use full-time childcare.

Are you being deliberately obtuse here?