DH mad at me - AIBU?

[SleeplessBeautyy]

DS is 3, DD is 7 weeks old. DH is a teacher and started back at work last Thursday (8 days ago), so obviously no WFH. I’m on maternity leave but my employer is funding a master’s degree during my maternity leave, which I started last Monday (11 days ago). My master’s degree is mostly WFH. This master’s course is a regulatory requirement of my profession and I have to pass every element on the first attempt or my employment could be terminated. I’m expected for 45 hours per week WFH plus some social/networking events (these aren’t compulsory but it would be very damaging to my career progression not to attend). My employer is very supportive in facilitating the course online and allowing me to bring DD to work events. Our house sale has stalled so DH is currently commuting an hour and a half each way to get to work. DD is home with me 100% of the time. DS started his new nursery today, next to DH’s work so DH is doing the school run on his commute.

In order to cut down on DH’s commuting, he stayed with a friend Tuesday night and Wednesday night (so he left at 6am on Tuesday morning and arrived back yesterday at 6pm). During that time, I was looking after DS and DD, whilst also doing my course. When he got back, I was shattered so when DD woke up last night he looked after her until about 3am when I took over. He left this morning again at just gone 6am with DS.

DH is now mad at me. I’ve been getting one-word responses all day and he’s just said it’s because “DD was just hard work and then I had to get up mad early and drive”. He’s mad that I didn’t look after DD last night.

In general, DH is very generous with his time and energy. He’s never opted out of parenting in any capacity and is very hands-on. With DS, he actually went part-time for a year to look after him. He also very much prioritises my career (as my earning potential is much higher than his) and has stayed in teaching because the holidays and hours are saving us a small fortune in holiday clubs and wraparound childcare. He’s very supportive of my career and hasn’t ever expressed any resentment at all. So, I can’t see any motivation for him to be unreasonable.

However, from my perspective, I’d had both children 100% of the time for 60 hours (and working full-time) whilst he was getting a full night’s sleep, going to the gym, going to the pub etc so I think it’s unfair that he resents me sleeping from 10pm to 3am last night.

AIBU to think I’ve done nothing wrong or is he right?

Absolute insanity. Totally unsustainable

I don't think I've ever felt this frothy. I can't work out if it's a piss take.

No, I’m living in reality where childcare isn’t free like everyone on mumsnet thinks it is and where having a vagina doesn’t make you solely responsible for looking after joint children.

The issue with your DH is just a bit of something or nothing. Personally, he just sounds tired. You both do. But neither of you win a medal for competitive tiredness.

But you ARE sidestepping around the weirdest part. WHY you agreed to/felt forced into doing a Masters whilst on maternity leave. Utterly bonkers. I'm sure you've seen all the comments saying just that, but you don't seem to appreciate the fact that it's incredibly unusual, bordering on insane.

Absolutely this.

I seriously wonder why, as a couple, you've decided to have another child.

I really feel for both your children

I actually think shes on a wind up now tbh, no one educated to the extent op says she is could be so thick.

How am I side-stepping something I’ve answered multiple times?

This

@SleeplessBeautyy you're missing the point. Taking 6 weeks is very rare in the UK, but those mothers put their children in childcare or have the other parent at home.

You're working FT AND parenting a baby FT plus a 3 year old much of the time.

I agree with this. The OP is trying to make this into some kind of woman vs man/feminism thing when really it is just stupidity. If you are working full time then get childcare. It isn't rocket science.

No, I’m living in reality where childcare isn’t free like everyone on mumsnet thinks it is and where having a vagina doesn’t make you solely responsible for looking after joint children

Now you are just fucking with us all. Of course childcare isn't free but you factor in the cost when deciding what path to go down. You are getting mat pay and the Masters money (and frankly your employer should be pulled into a tribunal) so find the money for some childcare from that.

Alternatively, you take the actual mat leave you've booked and save money on two kids nursery fees by having them home. And doing the Masters another time.

You say you returned to work at 6 weeks - but you are actually still on mat leave?

having a vagina doesn’t make you solely responsible for looking after joint children.
No, but being on any kind of parental leave does make you responsible for all childcare during working hours. You are the one on parental leave but trying to use that to study full time. That's what makes this so entirely unsustainable.

Thanks everyone for your input. I’m done responding to the people who are just using this as an excuse to attack things they don’t like and completely ignoring what I actually asked. I really appreciate the responses from people who answered what I asked, I’ve taken on board what you’ve said and I agree.

This is true

There's a reason that parental leave exists - small children need to be looked after. While you're studying and your DH works, who is looking after them, engaging with them, playing with them and teaching them?

So your employer will fund your masters but you have to take a sabbatical year in order to do it? And not only that, but if you don't pass first time, you get sacked? How can someone who's educated to masters level not see that this is a terrible, and possibly even illegal, deal?

You'd be better off self-funding a masters through the OU and doing it in the evenings.

And that's before you even get into the bonkers childcare arrangements. You've basically opted to be a full-time student and a full-time carer of a baby. You seem to think that because you did it before with your DS, it will be the same this time. But so many variables are completely different this time. You now have twice as many children, and your DH is no longer part time but full time. Why on earth did you expect it would be like before? It's nothing like before. You've created a completely new, unique and untenable situation based on the fact that when you did a masters in the past and almost every other factor was entirely different, you were able to cope.

Madness.

I hope your job doesn't require you to be good at logic.

YABU to call this farce "maternity leave" when it's nothing of the sort.

Why on earth didn’t you just take some maternity leave first? Your employer can’t deny you that / expect you to complete a full time masters during it. Sounds like utter madness and a recipe for failure on every front, including your relationship.

YOu're both working, you both have to do your full share of nights.

That said, you need help OR need to postpone your master's if neither of you can cope with the current schedule.

Does their HR dept even know you are on official maternity leave yet at the same time have been told to do 45hrs a week masters work and if you fail you will be sacked?

I voted YABU only because it’s an unreasonable situation. As so many others have said, the situation you have created (both created?) is utter madness and it’s no wonder you’re both knackered - it’s untenable. This is supposed to be a difficult but lovely time as you take your foot off the gas for a bit and enjoy getting to know your new baby and playing with your toddler. It sounds more like hell on earth.

You're either on maternity leave or you're not.

This sounds exhausting for you and your DH :( Is there any way you could get childcare for your DD so you can focus on your masters? Or alternatively, is there any way you can ask your employer about postponing your masters until a later date? I feel like something has to give, as previous posters have also suggested.

I think you need to rethink your arrangements. Maybe your dh should take parental leave and you should return to work. You are essentially working full time at home while juggling childcare for your dd. Maternity leave is there for a reason.

I'm not arguing with that, I was simply explaining something that I thought people didn't understand. I cross posted with the OP where she explained it more clearly.