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AIBU?

To try for a fourth baby?

158 replies

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 10:55

This is really silly because i am really on the fence but I am thinking I either have one more now or never.

So what I would really like to know is in my situation, would you have another?

I am 31 years old, I have three beautiful children all of the same gender they are 8, 5 and almost 2. A part of me longs for that one last child but of the opposite gender. I know this is silly because I cannot choose this but I also know that if I had a little one of the same gender I'd love it just as much as my others. The main reason for another is just I have this longing for one but how do I even know that this will stop after a fourth baby. Generally I just love having babies and children and it's lovely having a nice busy household. They all bring so much joy.

However, I know this is not the sensible option. The cons are that I'd need to get a new car and probably a new house eventually or an extension as we only have a 3 bedroom house. My husband is content with three and he said if it was just his decision he would say no more but because I have this longing for another one he wouldn't want me to live with regrets and the what ifs so we'd have one more and then he would happy to go and have a vasectomy. Another con is I know all my family think that if I had another I would be absolutely insane and less supportive.

I just don't know that my reason for one more is reason enough. In my situation, what would you do? It's now or never though. I don't want to be doing the school run forever. When my third starts primary, my first child will already be in year 6.

If you've read this far then I really appreciate it 😊

OP posts:
Stickmansmum · 09/09/2022 10:58

It’s your choice.

I have 4. It’s a lot. Couldn’t imagine not having them all but do wish my life was quieter and calmer. I have A LOT of help too.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/09/2022 11:00

Can you AFFORD a fourth? Do you work so it's more childcare or do you need to get back to work once free hours kick in?

How big is your 3 bed? We're in a 3 bed, it's two doubles and a single. We'd struggle to fit a fourth in once baby was out of our room. So can you afford a 4 bed where you are?

Can you afford the car and Al lthe extra curriculum stuff for n04?

It's pointless having one in the hope you'll finally get a little girl, but if you can answer all the above, you can cope if it's twins or the child has medical needs, then why not, but make sure DH is already doing his share and is fully on board.

If course this is MN so someone will come to tell you you're the reason the Earth is dying.

elciruelo · 09/09/2022 11:01

Stickmansmum · 09/09/2022 10:58

It’s your choice.

I have 4. It’s a lot. Couldn’t imagine not having them all but do wish my life was quieter and calmer. I have A LOT of help too.

This is me too

FruitPastilleNut · 09/09/2022 11:01

We felt similar when Dc3 was approaching school age.

We used our heads, DH had the snip and we got a puppy 😂

sevenbyseven · 09/09/2022 11:03

Something else to bear in mind is that while certain things get easier as they get older, other things get harder. Trying to juggle lifts and clubs and activities when you have 3 or 4 school-aged children is not easy and you end up having to say no to more things.

Fivemoreminutesinbed · 09/09/2022 11:04

Can you afford it? What if it is the same gender? How could you guarantee that that disappointment wouldn't cause you unhappiness? Not sure any of your post really gives any good reason to have another.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/09/2022 11:04

I’d think long term. 4 teens are not cheap - food, uniform, shoes, activities. 4 potentially to support at Uni. Plus emotional support needed - they need you in a different way.
What are your career plans - wrap around plus childcare for 4 will be eye watering plus logistics of arranging everything.
Personally I’d focus on 3 you have. Even if they only do bare minimum of activities you’ll be stretched thin.

rainbowmilk · 09/09/2022 11:05

I had a friend who did this - she now has 6 boys and can barely afford to live. She still goes on about wanting to try for a girl but her husband says he’d divorce her.

If you know that you’d likely just want to keep going until you get a girl, because you love babies, then I’d suggest either seeking someone to talk to about how to move on from this. or get a puppy.

The environmental impact is also massive. I know MN doesn’t care about this but having another child is the worst thing you can do for the climate by a long way.

mamabear715 · 09/09/2022 11:06

Totally your decision but if you wait for the right time / house / car you'll never do it! The eldest could be away at Uni by the time the others need a separate bedroom..
I had mixed genders but still went on to have seven - it IS a bit addictive! :-) If you're really happy to maybe get the same gender again, that's fine. You have a supportive DH & your family's thoughts don't really matter, they don't get to choose in such a personal decision, although I do understand that they help out a lot.
Good luck in deciding!

RandomMusings7 · 09/09/2022 11:06

What of it's twins this time?

What if the 4th has significant special needs?

What message are you sending to your existing kids when the penny drops that you really wanted one of the opposite sex?

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 11:29

A lot of what everyone is saying makes sense, I know having a fourth for me probably isn't that logical. I just can't stop thinking about it. This one would definitely be the last though. I just need to decide so I can stop going through it in my head constantly.

I work part-time at present and we manage child care mostly between us but obviously this would stretch us again for a few more years.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/09/2022 11:30

You know all the possibilities, so if you’re still happy, go for it. I wish I had.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/09/2022 11:36

Obviously it’s entirely up to you and whether you can afford it. And if you could cope with twins or if you child had significant disabilities etc

I think it’s a mistake to have another out of longer for a particular sex though - and I’m going to assume you want a girl (sorry if wrong). You might not get a “girly girl” who wants to get dressed up in dresses and go shopping with Mum when she’s older. Or one of your boys might be more into that.

I have one of each, which you might call lucky but my dd (13) wears very “non girly” clothes and talks mainly about politics, and my ds(8) is into art, music and gymnastics. So you just don’t know what you’re going to get, is my point.

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 13:26

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I actually have three girls 😊

OP posts:
Stickmansmum · 09/09/2022 13:29

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 13:26

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I actually have three girls 😊

You’ve been dying to drip feed that knowing everyone would assume you wanted a girl😂

LunchBoxPolice · 09/09/2022 13:30

Yabu.

BeanieTeen · 09/09/2022 13:36

I think after your first child it’s not just about ‘your longings’ anymore. You need to think about how having another child will impact your whole family. Fact is, if you had children of both genders already you’d probably not be contemplating another one. That’s speaks volumes. Think about the practicalities and how your DH and children will be affected by this. I don’t think positively. Your house is too small and you have to get a new car for starters. Call it a day.

Jaaxe · 09/09/2022 13:39

Similar situation to you…im 32 and have children of a similar age 9,4 and 2 and live in a 3 bedroom house. Partner happy with 3 but i always had it in my head I wanted 4 children from being a young age and he wouldn’t of objected to one more if it’s what I really wanted but after having 3 you realise how there is a lot more to factor in that just wanting 4 (money, house, car, holidays, childcare, uni fees, time and attention, as well as having to put your body through pregnancy 4 times etc) and that you start to wonder if you should stick at 3 but I had this aching in my heart for 4 children - I however have a mix of boys and girls already (girl, boy, girl) and it has nothing to do with wanting a specific sex.

As it happens the decision was sort of (obviously I still had a choice) taken away from us as we unexpectedly fell pregnant earlier this year despite using precautions and I’m due in December with our 4th which is poor timing for various reasons for us but it is what it is….very apprehensive this time round as I’m a high risk pregnancy and as you know life is pretty chaotic with 3 as it is never mind 4 but just keep telling myself they’re only young once and I’ll have the 4 children I always wanted and won’t be left thinking “what if?” And wondering if I should of tried for that 4th. I’m hoping I’ll reap the rewards in years to come with my big family and that they’ll always have each other.

I don’t have the answer for you but I would say if its mainly to do with trying to get a specific sex child I wouldn’t base your decision on trying for a 4th on that as its 50/50. Weigh up the pros and cons and how you might feel sticking with the 3 you have or adding another 1 to the mix and base that on it being 4 of one sex rather than getting one of the other gender (it could happen but it might not)

The housing/ car thing so long as you can afford are easily fixed. We have just got a 7 seater, we looked around and went mid range in price for one but you can get budget second hand 7 seaters they just don’t have as much room and probably aren’t as reliable. The baby will be in our bedroom for the first year so we will think about moving/ extending after that.

and yanbu to want a 4th it’s a personal preference based on your own circumstances x

KILM · 09/09/2022 13:40

No, just based on cost of living to be honest. You say 'stretch us again for a few more years' indicating you are already stretched, and you've already got 3 kids in two bedrooms. I get your point about extending but if you are already stretched with 3 a fourth plus an extension just doesnt sound affordable for you. Teenagers want their own rooms, their own space! Plus they are really expensive and things have been steadily going downhill in this country, so you could end up in a really shit situation financially. Your husband doesnt want one either. Enjoy your three beautiful girls and get a dog instead i say 😁

wibblewobbleball · 09/09/2022 13:43

You have to think of how it will impact your family, your existing children and husband in particular of course. My sister has 4 children, and whilst I love them all dearly, it is a lot and it rules a lot of things out for us to as a wider family.

Tabbouleh · 09/09/2022 13:45

The biggest economic crisis in decades is coming our way, and the forum is awash with posts by people who had 4 and now can't support them because they didn't foresee it. But you can. Things are going to get very, very bad.

Choconut · 09/09/2022 13:46

What about thinking about what's best for the children you already have? - I guarantee they already have enough siblings and another just means less money and less time for them.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 09/09/2022 13:51

Just remember shit is about to hit the fan with the economy. Just because you can afford it now, doesn't mean you may in a year or three.

I would stick to the children you do have.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 09/09/2022 13:52

I'd stick with the three.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/09/2022 13:52

You may have same sex and long for no 5

you May have the different sex and be happy

honestly with the way cost of living is I wouldn’t

you have 3 healthy children

if you have a 4th you will need to move and get a bigger car

not sure what holidays you have if any , but an extra child will add costs

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