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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try for a fourth baby?

160 replies

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 10:55

This is really silly because i am really on the fence but I am thinking I either have one more now or never.

So what I would really like to know is in my situation, would you have another?

I am 31 years old, I have three beautiful children all of the same gender they are 8, 5 and almost 2. A part of me longs for that one last child but of the opposite gender. I know this is silly because I cannot choose this but I also know that if I had a little one of the same gender I'd love it just as much as my others. The main reason for another is just I have this longing for one but how do I even know that this will stop after a fourth baby. Generally I just love having babies and children and it's lovely having a nice busy household. They all bring so much joy.

However, I know this is not the sensible option. The cons are that I'd need to get a new car and probably a new house eventually or an extension as we only have a 3 bedroom house. My husband is content with three and he said if it was just his decision he would say no more but because I have this longing for another one he wouldn't want me to live with regrets and the what ifs so we'd have one more and then he would happy to go and have a vasectomy. Another con is I know all my family think that if I had another I would be absolutely insane and less supportive.

I just don't know that my reason for one more is reason enough. In my situation, what would you do? It's now or never though. I don't want to be doing the school run forever. When my third starts primary, my first child will already be in year 6.

If you've read this far then I really appreciate it 😊

OP posts:
princesspeppax · 09/09/2022 19:44

Following with interest, I have 3 practically the same ages OP and I feel the same, so desperate for a 4th.

AlmostDone7 · 09/09/2022 19:48

Everything has been said already, but I just don't think that you will be ever happy when the baby period ends? So, by having another, you will just delay that sadness, you won't satiate it? I have older kids and ime teenagers are so much harder than young children. The emotional energy you need is through the roof! Noise constantly, friends constantly, trying to work out how much a tutor is going to cost here or signing up for dance classes there. I never went to 4 either because it means bigger cars to carry everyone, and just less time!

I want to help my kids out and give them a good start, the more you have the less you are able to do that. Another sibling will not necessarily make up for loss of resources. and if you need to move to a bigger house, with all the associated bills it will feel never ending.

It's up to you of course. Good luck whatever you decide.

tillytown · 09/09/2022 19:51

princesspeppax, why are you desperate for a 4th? Why aren't your three children enough for you? I'm not trying to be rude but my sister said the same but she didn't really want a 4th, she just wanted a baby to take care of as her children didn't need her as much as they used too and she couldn't deal with it.

hewouldwouldnthe · 09/09/2022 19:51

You do know that your percentage chance of a child of the same sex is higher with the second born? Its even higher with the third and higher still with a fourth! You only have to look around at your friends to see same sex children in the family.
I bucked the trend and had one of each

RampantIvy · 09/09/2022 20:04

princesspeppax · 09/09/2022 19:44

Following with interest, I have 3 practically the same ages OP and I feel the same, so desperate for a 4th.

Why?

What is missing from your life that the children you already have can't fulfill?
There is much more to life than having babies.

PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior · 09/09/2022 20:25

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 15:19

I said now or never because I don't want to be too much older and I also don't want to prolong the amount of years I am going to be doing the school run

Years and years on the school run is baked in now though, no? At aged 31 and with your youngest not even two yet, it isn't now or never. You could give it another year and reassess without it changing anything material about the situation, and you might be in a better position to make a call then.

VladmirsPoutine · 09/09/2022 20:31

If you can manage financially then I'd go for it if I were you. You're only 31 so still have a good amount of time on your side. That said, emotionally and time-wise even 2 is a drain. My aunt told me that after 2 all bets are off.

Boreded · 09/09/2022 20:45

Yes you are being unreasonable…we are overpopulated and the planet is dying, 4 kids is irresponsible

BeanieTeen · 09/09/2022 20:49

I said now or never because I don't want to be too much older and I also don't want to prolong the amount of years I am going to be doing the school run.

Why? What have you got planned for afterwards? I think if you want four kids who are going to turn into four teenagers then the the school run is going to be least of the inconveniences you’ll have to deal with. If you want to have four kids and embrace all the hard work that brings with it, dedicating your twenties and thirties and early forties to intense ‘mum life’ - because with four kids there’s little time to be anything else - then go for it. If you’re already fed up with something as basic as the school run then maybe it’s not for you.
If you think you can have a fourth at 31 and the catch up with your youth in 15 years time, you can’t… that ship has sailed.

darmaka · 09/09/2022 20:56

Go for it. I'm aiming for 6 - no joke

Notplayingball · 09/09/2022 20:58

I have four DC. All same sex. Two children to a bedroom. 15, 12, 7 and 5. Had two, big gap, then two more. Same father to all four.

Don't have another if you would be upset having a baby of the opposite sex.

It's chaotic at times but it's a lot of fun. Great at Christmas time.

Katela18 · 09/09/2022 21:01

I'd definitely say stick with 3, especially if finances / housing is already stretched.

I am one of 4 raised mostly in 3 bed homes. While I love all my siblings we were always aware money was short and we often went without, we never had any privacy or our pwn space. This was very noticeable as teenagers particularly or when our friends were getting driving lessons paid or cars, and we couldn't. My parents also couldn't afford to support 4 children through university which just made everything really hard. I wish my parents had thought more about the long term impact it would have had on us.

Notplayingball · 09/09/2022 21:05

Katela18 · 09/09/2022 21:01

I'd definitely say stick with 3, especially if finances / housing is already stretched.

I am one of 4 raised mostly in 3 bed homes. While I love all my siblings we were always aware money was short and we often went without, we never had any privacy or our pwn space. This was very noticeable as teenagers particularly or when our friends were getting driving lessons paid or cars, and we couldn't. My parents also couldn't afford to support 4 children through university which just made everything really hard. I wish my parents had thought more about the long term impact it would have had on us.

I was one of two DC and my parents didn't help me at university, or pay for my driving lessons 🤷🏻 I paid for my own driving lessons, tests, new car etc.

NellesVilla · 09/09/2022 21:07

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rainbowmilk · 09/09/2022 21:10

darmaka · 09/09/2022 20:56

Go for it. I'm aiming for 6 - no joke

I have no words.

blepp · 09/09/2022 21:18

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This is appalling.

Katela18 · 09/09/2022 21:23

Notplayingball · 09/09/2022 21:05

I was one of two DC and my parents didn't help me at university, or pay for my driving lessons 🤷🏻 I paid for my own driving lessons, tests, new car etc.

Show quote history

I'm aware it's not uncommon, my comment was that it was noticeable as teenagers for me because all my friends parents did do this, we were the only ones who didn't get that and it's because they couldn't afford it for 4 children. Had they only had 2, they could have and my mother told me they would have.

RampantIvy · 09/09/2022 21:24

darmaka · 09/09/2022 20:56

Go for it. I'm aiming for 6 - no joke

Why?

Get a puppy or a kitten instead.

Nearlyflippinforty · 09/09/2022 21:30

I have 3 children. My husband asked would you have a fourth? I don't for one minute think he was serious and think he was definitely winding me up. I replied with a quick and enthusiastic "fuck no".

My reasoning: I find looking after children joyous but also harrowing in equal measures (keeping them safe all the time). It's tiring but we don't get help and a lot of people don't.

I found newborn stage HARD and pregnancy- ugh just no.

The after school clubs for ALL of them will need your presence or taxi service, once they go to high school it gets more expensive to buy uniform and bus passes etc.

Bedtime is like a conveyor belt of children needing a book reading, teeth brushing, bath supervision (with younger one watching their every move, second one checking he hasn't fallen asleep in bath and eldest - helping with the nuclear fall out that is her exit from the shower to the door. Help with homework (all of them). Washing clothes, the never ending clothes mountain.

I love my children dearly but they talk all the time, the youngest thinks he's karate kid and I want my life back 😝. Your choice though.

VestaTilley · 09/09/2022 21:59

It’s sex, not gender.

YABVU. You can’t choose the sex (thank God, or we’d have a terribly imbalanced population like parts of China and India) - and how would you react to the poor baby if they weren’t the sex you wanted? They’d always feel left out, and they’d always know you only had them because you were trying for the opposite sex.

NellesVilla · 09/09/2022 22:21

Adoption is a good option!

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/09/2022 22:30

NellesVilla · 09/09/2022 22:21

Adoption is a good option!

Don’t be so stupid. This woman doesn’t have a desire to adopt a boy child, she want to have another baby. Is an adoption agency going to approve a family who will be overcrowded?

Swimmingpoolsally · 09/09/2022 22:31

Parenting is such a complex thing, I’d struggle to parent more Than three; because of this heavy lifting that involves.\’if you have a baby. You need to parent them op, are you sure you are?

Porcupineintherough · 09/09/2022 22:58

So this is something a lot of people struggle with : things can change.

So if you've got your 2x life insurance, redundancy insurance on your main earner, rainy day money, savings, pensions and a plan for 4 x financial help for university then sure, go for it.

But don't come on here in 12 or 24 or 36 months telling us all how hard it is cause things changed.

Bubblyinblanch · 09/09/2022 23:04

Do you have a money printing machine? 4 x phones, 4 x uni, 4 x ipad, 4 x school uniform, 4 x clothes plus trainer etc...
What are you thinking? I think you need a grip. 3 is already a lot...