To try for a fourth baby?

[TulipVictory]

This is really silly because i am really on the fence but I am thinking I either have one more now or never.

So what I would really like to know is in my situation, would you have another?

I am 31 years old, I have three beautiful children all of the same gender they are 8, 5 and almost 2. A part of me longs for that one last child but of the opposite gender. I know this is silly because I cannot choose this but I also know that if I had a little one of the same gender I'd love it just as much as my others. The main reason for another is just I have this longing for one but how do I even know that this will stop after a fourth baby. Generally I just love having babies and children and it's lovely having a nice busy household. They all bring so much joy.

However, I know this is not the sensible option. The cons are that I'd need to get a new car and probably a new house eventually or an extension as we only have a 3 bedroom house. My husband is content with three and he said if it was just his decision he would say no more but because I have this longing for another one he wouldn't want me to live with regrets and the what ifs so we'd have one more and then he would happy to go and have a vasectomy. Another con is I know all my family think that if I had another I would be absolutely insane and less supportive.

I just don't know that my reason for one more is reason enough. In my situation, what would you do? It's now or never though. I don't want to be doing the school run forever. When my third starts primary, my first child will already be in year 6.

If you've read this far then I really appreciate it 😊

Really? I think OP is perfectly capable of gendering her own kids 🙄🙄🙄

Always one. 🙄

How do you know? They might be of the same gender but not of the same sex.

Why is it now or never?

I think if you're adamant for another, you need to ensure you have the space and resources. Why don't you dedicate the next few years to either extending or buying a bigger house, then see how you feel? You're not old by any means yet.

My friend has 4 in a 3 bedroom house, 3 kids share the master bedroom and the little one is in the box room. When they start hitting puberty it's going to be carnage. They're already bickering, it's hard not having any space of your own, or even somewhere to escape to for a bit of quiet.

Well you can choose the sex of your child

You just need to pay for it

Can you afford 4, have time for 4 etc.?

I said now or never because I don't want to be too much older and I also don't want to prolong the amount of years I am going to be doing the school run

My children are young adults and the amount of time, money, energy and resources we needed during their teens was more than I ever realised. I think it's easy to want another baby without understanding what the future might bring.

Personally I wouldn’t. You have three healthy children, not enough bedrooms or car space and not to mention the cost of living crisis which is only going to get worse. I’d say don’t do it, especially as your DH has already expressed he doesn’t really want another and would only be doing it for you, that isn’t healthy in a marriage. So no.

She said they are all girls. Sex and gender are not the same. In general terms, sex refers to a person’s physical characteristics at birth, and gender encompasses a person’s identities, expressions, and societal roles. A person may identify with a gender that is different from their natal sex or with no gender at all.

Do you actually want a fourth child or do you just want a boy?

It seems silly and illogical to bring another child into the world just because you want a boy. What about the impact on the entire family? Can you actually afford it or are you just trying to talk yourself into it?

Try the shuttle method. So if you are wanting a boy sex on the day where ovulation is at its peak only. It relies on you having regular periods and either temping or using ovulation sticks but has worked for everyone I know who has tried it. So if you have a deep rooted longing maybe give it a whirl.

Obviously there will be financial considerations and the trying to give them all your time and attention. That's the bit that can be more challenging, as they still need you as they are getting older. Totally down to you as a family and where you feel happy to compromise and you will have to.

No it's not just because I would like a boy. Of course, having a boy would be the perfect situation as I would just like to be able to experience raising a boy but I would love a little girl just as much as I love my other three. I absolutely adore my children, they mean everything to me and bring so much joy.

I have always loved the idea of a larger family but I am very aware that this may not be the best idea due to various reasons that have been mentioned by previous posters.

I think this is probably a very head & heart situation for me and maybe I am being selfish by having another and that's what I need to get my head around. Maybe I do need to say enough is enough and enjoy what I have. It does pain me though.

It's sex not gender. Simple biological facts

AIBU To try for a fourth baby?

In a word, yes.
Have you any idea how expensive teenagers are? You wouldn’t be financially stretched just for a few more years, but for many more years. I knew just from your heading that your children would be primary school aged or younger. Very few people with three teens want to go back to the baby years or the expense and hassle.

Reasons not to (apart from the environmental impact)
• You will definitely need a new car – a people carrier.
• Your husband isn’t totally on board
• The cost of clothing for teenagers
• Pocket money until they get a job
• Homework is set online so they will all need laptops
• GCSEs x 4
• A levels x 4
• UCAS x 4
• University support x 4
• Relationship and friendship issues x 4
• Never underestimate the emotional support a teenager needs. It completely blindsided me, and DD wasn’t a troublesome teenager at all

I just don't know that my reason for one more is reason enough

No, it isn’t. You want another child, but you need to consider what your family wants and needs.

The planet is irreversibly damaged by overpopulation and exploitation of finite resources. Humans have a bleak future. Please do not create any more. Three is absolutely plenty .

I say this as an experienced (read: weathered) mum of 3.

It matters not what gender they are. It's about provision of need, division of time, application of energy, cost of living, tolerance levels, prioritising and planning.

Of course families succeed in different ways and raise multiple children but questions to seriously ask yourself are when they are all past the cute stage, and it's just input from you with very very little in return, do you have that in enough abundance to carry through for at least a decade? Do you have passions or interests that fill you up, re-energise you, give you time and head space away from your role as a Mother?

Navigating the tough years takes its toll. Kids are in a tougher environment than ever before and their stress and anxieties inevitably become part of your load. SATS, GCSE's, friendship issues, health problems, getting them set up in adulthood...x4.

The longing for sweet beautiful babies may never go away. Your curiosity of what one more might look like or be like might never vanish.

But think of the dynamic you currently have, how their personalities are emerging, who might need more of your time and energy etc.

I think you need to think with your head not your heart here.

Don’t have another baby. As your girls get older, you’ll probably want another bedroom. If you do have that boy - you’re going to squeeze three into one bedroom so he can have his own?

This is heart all over. Use your head. Your husband should get a vasectomy. Babies are lovely but they grow up and four children is hard.

Excellent post @Goldieshock

I sympathise with you OP. I have 2 older children and over the past year have been constantly thinking about having another (having previously being adamant I didn’t want anymore). I’m older than you so it really is now or never for us. My DH shares your DH’s stance, would probably agree but doesn’t really want one.
Its head over heart for me, I’ll likely not have another but it does make me feel sad.

I have 4;all born in 5 years;thé result is that we now have 4 teenagers;it's a lot and very expensive;we're fortunate that we have room (3 double bedrooms) and a tiny mortgage but it's still difficult especially when they were young.The having a 7 seater car hasn't been that difficult as things like zafiras are plentiful and not expensive when buying second hand.

Are your 3 boys and you want a girl?

You’re 31, give it a few years until your youngest is in pre school / reception then go for it. You’d only be 35 tops and that is not old at all.

you may feel differently by then or you may still want to do it but waiting 2 years isn’t going to be a massive delay either way - it will mean childcare will be cheaper and you’ll only have the one at home with you during the day.

if you then decide to not do it you’ve wasted nothing by waiting and you’ll be sure it was the right decision that you’ve come to over time and not been swayed by the baby hormones.

Why does it have to be “now or never”

I wouldn't, no.

The more kids you have, the less time you have for them. Especially with big age gaps. Everywhere you go as a family, one or two kids will feel bored.

You do also need to be prepared for twins. How would you feel if you had numbers 4+5?

If you had unlimited money and support, I'd say go for it. But I don't think I would in your situation.

I have two older DC and am glad we didn’t go for a third because older kids are so very, very expensive. We have a healthy household income and live in a relatively cheap part of the world but it’s eye watering and only set to get worse as they start thinking about driving and university.

For that reason alone I would say no more - plus they seem to require more input as they get older. Friendship dramas, general angst, lifts everywhere, school help.

You are 100% correct.
If I hear one more fool say, 'What gender is your baby?', I'll send them a frigging diagram of male and female genitals and remind them that when everyone is a skeleton, there is no more talk of gender...it is what sex was this person.

OP. You will have trouble down the line if it is going to be difficult with finances and if your husband isn't keen. It's a big risk because you might have the same sex as the first three.

As pp say, don’t go into it thinking you have a 1 in 2 chance of a boy. It’s much much lower than that.