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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try for a fourth baby?

160 replies

TulipVictory · 09/09/2022 10:55

This is really silly because i am really on the fence but I am thinking I either have one more now or never.

So what I would really like to know is in my situation, would you have another?

I am 31 years old, I have three beautiful children all of the same gender they are 8, 5 and almost 2. A part of me longs for that one last child but of the opposite gender. I know this is silly because I cannot choose this but I also know that if I had a little one of the same gender I'd love it just as much as my others. The main reason for another is just I have this longing for one but how do I even know that this will stop after a fourth baby. Generally I just love having babies and children and it's lovely having a nice busy household. They all bring so much joy.

However, I know this is not the sensible option. The cons are that I'd need to get a new car and probably a new house eventually or an extension as we only have a 3 bedroom house. My husband is content with three and he said if it was just his decision he would say no more but because I have this longing for another one he wouldn't want me to live with regrets and the what ifs so we'd have one more and then he would happy to go and have a vasectomy. Another con is I know all my family think that if I had another I would be absolutely insane and less supportive.

I just don't know that my reason for one more is reason enough. In my situation, what would you do? It's now or never though. I don't want to be doing the school run forever. When my third starts primary, my first child will already be in year 6.

If you've read this far then I really appreciate it 😊

OP posts:
Mizmerise · 09/09/2022 23:13

Project ahead.

If you got pregnant now you’d have 9,6,3 yr olds and a baby. Ah, cute.

Jump ahead 8 years.

17, 14, 11 and 8. that’s fucking hard work. Primary school, just starting secondary school and two hormonal teens. And the expense.

Nah. Quit while you’re ahead.

Original poster
TulipVictory · 10/09/2022 01:48

BeanieTeen · 09/09/2022 20:49

I said now or never because I don't want to be too much older and I also don't want to prolong the amount of years I am going to be doing the school run.

Why? What have you got planned for afterwards? I think if you want four kids who are going to turn into four teenagers then the the school run is going to be least of the inconveniences you’ll have to deal with. If you want to have four kids and embrace all the hard work that brings with it, dedicating your twenties and thirties and early forties to intense ‘mum life’ - because with four kids there’s little time to be anything else - then go for it. If you’re already fed up with something as basic as the school run then maybe it’s not for you.
If you think you can have a fourth at 31 and the catch up with your youth in 15 years time, you can’t… that ship has sailed.

Bit brutal @BeanieTeen !! 🤣 I'd never thought of it as dedicating my entire youth to my children before. Guess I'd just been enjoying them too much 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
oreobiscitz · 10/09/2022 06:55

That's your hormones speaking.

Listen to your head. Listen to reason

Three healthy kids. Count your blessings and don't push your luck

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/09/2022 07:04

I have one dd5. I have never had the urge for more

maybe as she took 10yrs ttc and 5 private ivf so a lot of money to get my one and only ever bfp

i am very grateful I am a mummy to her and she is my world and she’s just woken up and hearing her say ‘morning mummy. I love you ‘ over monitor melts my heart 💕

i have friends who all wanted more than 1. Most have 2. some desperately wanted the 3 - said they don’t feel complete

I don’t honestly get that feeling

love and be thankful for the children you have

some woman can’t have any not for their want in trying

Keanu4ever · 10/09/2022 07:32

No more children. YABU.

Notplayingball · 10/09/2022 07:39

Katela18 · 09/09/2022 21:23

I'm aware it's not uncommon, my comment was that it was noticeable as teenagers for me because all my friends parents did do this, we were the only ones who didn't get that and it's because they couldn't afford it for 4 children. Had they only had 2, they could have and my mother told me they would have.

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I was raised to make my own way in life and not expect to get everything handed to me on a plate. Maybe if you reframe your way of looking at this situation, your parents actually did you a favour.

It is never a good idea for children to expect everything to be given to them just because X gets that.

Very entitled. My eldest has been advised to get a job even just a Saturday one next spring when he turns 16 to learn about the value of money even though each child has savings put away for driving lessons....

XtinaCaligulara · 10/09/2022 08:14

NellesVilla · 09/09/2022 22:21

Adoption is a good option!

It's really not

Unless you think it's a good option to plonk a child from a trauma background with 3x older siblings?

KidsgroveBoggart · 10/09/2022 08:34

@Notplayingball I think that's unfair on @Katela18

Lots of us want to be in the position to help our children learn to drive or go to university, that doesn't make our children entitled, as you say yourself it's possible to expect them to work (I did) as well as support them financially. In the case of learning to drive it's expensive to get lessons and expensive to insure your own car if you want to teach them - there's no real way round it!

I don't think offering this sort of help means children are automatically entitled or spoiled.

BeanieTeen · 10/09/2022 09:00

@TulipVictory if you enjoy it then that’s great - it was just your comment about the school run that made me wonder a bit because I felt like, although I know the school run can be a PITA at times, it’s not such a big inconvenience that I’d plan my family around it.
I think it just reminded me of a family member of mine - she has four kids, she had them quite young and sometimes goes on about how it’s great to have them young because she’ll be able to do what she wants in her forties. Like she needed to ‘get it out of the way’ early - but having four kids is not an obligation so that makes no sense to me. Neither does waiting for your forties and fifties to go out and have a good time - not saying you can’t have a good time then of course, but your late teens and early twenties really are made for carefree fun, especially going out clubbing and stuff like that, compared to your later years. It’s like she thinks I’ll be jealous of her in my forties when I’m still doing the school run and she’s not - but why would anyone prefer doing the school run at 22 than at 42?
You’re update makes you sound nothing like that though. But still, I would consider the practicalities of a fourth baby carefully and the impact it has on the rest of your children.

PortalooSunset · 10/09/2022 10:37

If it was the case if just wanting another child to 'complete' your family then maybe (though how can you know you'll feel that way after this one and won't want a 5th or 6th?). What if it's twins?!
I'd be wary of my existing children thinking they're not enough, particularly if you go OTT in celebrating when a child of a different gender arrives. Equally if baby arrives and is same gender as existing children you need to be absolutely sure you'd be able to squash any disappointment you felt. Forever.

123ROLO · 10/09/2022 11:29

I wouldn't. For a few reasons.

  1. You have been extremely lucky to have three healthy children, another child may be disabled and unwell. This isn't saying a disabled child would be any less love, I mention this more from a logistical /practical perspective of raising a growing family, along with the additional work that having a disabled child entails.
  1. I realise this is anecdotal and nor reflective of everyone. Everyone I know who's had more than 2 or 3 kids, has lost a massive sense of identity, they stop doing things for themselves, lose friends as can never make time for them, their lives just look chaotic.
  1. Teens and young persons lives are full of issues these days. I know a lady with 5 children, 4 of the 5 children/ teens are under specialist services of some kind, one for developmental delays, one autism, older child under camhs. Her life is just managing appointments, admin, she never has a settled day/night. Even when things are 'good', there's still never ending issues.
  1. Services are stretched, my mother works in school admissions, SIL a teacher, me and my partner work in health and social care. schools can't recruit teachers, there aren't enough places for kids, my mum has parents in tears daily as their child is being placed in a school they just can't get to, and are being separated from their siblings. There are children on waiting lists for mental health/ social care issues for months/years. And I know this is an unpopular opinion but I can't help seeing adding more children to this as self indulgent and taking from already stretched services.
  1. The environmental impact - global warming is happening all around us and its just going to get worse. Life is going to get harder, having another child is just someone else to worry about and another person to care for in challenging times. In addition, another child is just adding to the global warming problem.
  1. Financial- young adults getting a good start in adult life these days need a bit of a Financial cushion. The less children you have the more chance you have of setting aside a safety net / deposit for them.

I know some of these seem judgy but you've asked on an open forum about having a 4th child. I don't personally see many perks. In real life, I would support a friend who wanted a 4th child, and I wouldn't try to put them off, but I'd never think it's a good idea.

LT2 · 10/09/2022 12:05

Stickmansmum · 09/09/2022 13:29

You’ve been dying to drip feed that knowing everyone would assume you wanted a girl😂

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I'm confused why anyone would assume it was that way round 🤔

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2022 18:14

hewouldwouldnthe · 09/09/2022 19:51

You do know that your percentage chance of a child of the same sex is higher with the second born? Its even higher with the third and higher still with a fourth! You only have to look around at your friends to see same sex children in the family.
I bucked the trend and had one of each

Most of my friends have one of each 🙄
My sister had BGB, most of my uni and school friends have BG or GB, one has BBG, school Mom's one of each of BGGB, BGG.

There's on me and a couple of friends who have the same sex

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2022 18:15

LT2 · 10/09/2022 12:05

I'm confused why anyone would assume it was that way round 🤔

Show quote history

Because MN is full of women hoping it's a girl and asking for reassurance when it's a boy that they'll somehow be able to still be happy and learn to like this weird creature with a penis

PissedOff2020 · 10/09/2022 18:34

We have 4 - all of one gender. We have big ages gaps, 19, 16, 10 & 7. We’ve been doing the school run forever.

The teens are massive and eat a lot.it’s not just bedroom space, ,space to all sit in one room can be a struggle. The teens make a lot of mess too. It’s hard to find an activity we can do as a family anymore.
We needed more space so doubled our mortgage recently to buy a 5 bed. We will be working until we die to pay it off.
Holidays abroad cost a fortune… especially as it now counts as 4 adults.
Weve gone back to 2 cars now, we don’t all need to fit in one.
The older 2 do their own thing most of the time, our weekend are spent covering the little two’s activities.
When I was pregnant with the youngest it was the first time we found out the sex when pregnant - I was desperate for the other gender. When I found out the sex after a little disappointment I realised they wouldn’t have fit in as well. Our mix of 2 & 2 with 3 years apart works great : the older ones were best mates when little, the little two are now.

Is it hard, yes? So expensive! So many a arguments about tidying and cleaning with the teens. A lot of noise and a lot of sibling fights!
Do I ever think 3 would have been enough? NO! I love my life.

RampantIvy · 10/09/2022 18:43

NO! I love my life.

That sounds like my worst nightmare. all that drudgery - cooking, cleaning, laundry, not to mention the expense Shock

goldentone · 10/09/2022 18:45

I'd suggest going for it. I have 3 and thought about it long and hard for too long and then after a year of no success- early menopause and it's too late. I always wonder what if...

goldentone · 10/09/2022 18:46

When I say early menopause, I'm mid 30s

2pinkginsplease · 10/09/2022 18:47

You need to do what’s best for your own family and the children you already have.

my friend wanted one more to complete her family and she ended up with triplets so now has 5 children!

averageavocado · 10/09/2022 18:55

Ihadenough22 · 09/09/2022 14:05

You already have 3 children all of the same sex so you want another child of the opposite sex. It all about what you want but you know that having another child means a bigger car and probably moving house or possibly building an extension if possible.
Then what happens if you have twins or down the line this 4th child has special needs?
What happens the family income if you can't work due to this?
What happens if you have another child of the same sex? Will you keep trying for a boy/girl?

In your case I would not have another child. You already have 3 kids and work PT. Having a 4th child means that you have to stop work for a while and your trying to manage more expense on one income.
What about the kids you already have? Do you think it's fair as they grow up that they can't go places or do things because you have not got the time or the income to afford things?
Managing 3 children who will have different needs as they get older is not easy.
Your children are young now but in 10 years time you will have 1at college age and 2 in secondary school and that a lot of expense.

I know a lady who had a 4th child about 3 years ago. Her other children were in primary school. The first thing she had to do was change her car and take on a loan to do this.

She has to mind 4 kids as her husband works long hours. Her 3 older kids were at the stage of being able to do more things for themselves and then she was back to the new born stage.
Since then she has been struggling at times with money as her husband is self employed and they have had to deal with the whole COVID situation. She had to fight to get her older child into X secondary school a few miles away because her local school is poor and she could not afford to move house. She is now trying to manage the care and needs for 4 kids from toddler to teenager and has had a few difficult times with 2 of the older kids.
Along with this she has had very little family support despite her family knowing that she needed help at times over the past few years. In the next few years she will have more expense as the children go into secondary school and college.
As a friend of mine said its easy for some people to have children but you have to think about the cost of bringing them up and putting them through college. You want to be able to afford music lessons, sports, grinds ect. If they have an interest or talent it nice to be in a position to pay for lessons ect to build on what they already have.

Also at the moment with the cost of living crises and with mortgage rates going up your current expenses are going up a lot but wages are not. You have to think long term how you can afford another child when you already have 3 kids. I know you work PT at the moment but as your kids get older you may want to work more hours or change jobs.
As your kids get older the expenses get higher with food, clothes and education.

Along with this she has had very little family support despite her family knowing that she needed help at times over the past few years.

Its no one else's responsibility to look after her kids though

Jaaxe · 10/09/2022 18:59

RampantIvy · 10/09/2022 18:43

NO! I love my life.

That sounds like my worst nightmare. all that drudgery - cooking, cleaning, laundry, not to mention the expense Shock

Yeah I don’t think anyone loves doing these things but she’s saying to her the pros of having 4 children outweigh all the negative aspects

03X · 10/09/2022 19:16

I have 3, I am also thinking about 4. I have 3 boys though & I’d love a girl, but equally I’d also love a boy? I know boys, they are awesome & the best thing in my life is being a mum. But 4 just seems like a massive jump, even with support from my parents it’s still hard.
We are slightly different where I work full time (from home) and I have a 5 bedroom house & a people carrier already! But I work full time to ensure we can still have holidays etc, so people may also not agree with my choices.
I’m undecided, I’m going to see what next year brings…

Scottishgirl85 · 10/09/2022 19:46

My sister has 4, she loves her life but secretly admits 4 is 1 too many.

I'm currently pregnant with no.3 - a boy after 2 girls. It will be lovely having both genders but that was absolutely not the reason we had a 3rd. I'm 22w and already know this is definitely our last! I would say enjoy what you have.

RoobarbandCustud · 10/09/2022 19:51

Aw I know that longing...I've got 2, I followed my head, not my heart, and stopped, but spent a few years longing. But one day I quite suddenly felt relieved I had stopped at 2. My friend had her fourth because of a conviction there was another soul out there who was meant to be in their family. Her life is harder financially, physically, logistically, but she would have regretted not having her fourth. I know that having a child is the most resource intensive thing we do, but...

KangFang · 10/09/2022 20:11

No.
3 is enough.