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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Queen Passing but Not feeling It – AIBU

295 replies

Richielogic · 09/09/2022 05:05

Now don’t get me wrong, of course it’s a massive loss to the UK, commonwealth and to her family, I get that but for me personally I’m just not feeling it. I think I have so many matters of my own, work and family to deal with and worry about that I just can’t relate to it.

Only today three hours before the official announcement, all five main UK TV channels were nonstop talking about the queen and we have gone into what I can only describe as a “24hr Queenathon” where in respect, TV is in a loop just talking about the same thing over and over constant. We will have weeks of this now and a bank holiday so more business interruption at a horrendous economic time and I’m sick of it already.

It's not that I’m uncompassionate, I got very upset recently over some of the atrocities that children in Ukraine have faced from Russian aggression, they have something to really worry about at night, that really upset me but with the Queen passing I’m just not feeling it. I will celebrate the life of the Queen, she has been amazing, but I can’t relate to mourning over her, I just can’t.

My Sister-in-law today has been in tears over the Queens death, half of me feels like saying “just get a grip, you're lucky that’s all you need to cry about” of course I won't, will just nod and say it's very sad but I just think, yes Queens been incredible, let's celebrate her life but as for mourning, shouldn’t that be for direct family only? AIBU?

Finally, at 96 I feel she had a really long life, worked hard but the best of everything. Some good people just don’t get a fraction of that, maybe that’s also a factor for me. Anyone else feeling the same or am I being uncompassionate?

OP posts:
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Poppchipps · 09/09/2022 11:08

Yes! Absolutely

angeIica · 09/09/2022 11:09

@Poppchipps I do feel it is a sad thing indeed for the country, and I have nothing but respect for the Queen. However, I agree that I also feel more sorrow for the elderly struggling and having to make a choice between heating and food.

One lady, in her late 60s, was talking about how she's been living on porridge this week and is waiting for her pension to buy some vitamins. These people are, sadly, unlikely to ever reach their 90s.

vera99 · 09/09/2022 11:12

And it's interesting that on MN the get behind the new King narrative is in full swing and Diana's revisionism is the order of the day. He betrayed his young wife from the off and made her life hell in the end. Imagine that thread on MN removed of context - he would be hung drawn and metaphorically quartered and rightly so. But he is now monarch and so above the moral law as is Andrew - in his case the actual law lest we forget.

FirewomanSam · 09/09/2022 11:21

YANBU to feel however you feel (or indeed don’t feel) about the Queen dying. There’s no requirement for you to be devastated or feel anything much at all, and of course there will be things in your own life that you’re going to be much more concerned about.

However, your SIL is also allowed to feel however she feels, and she’s not wrong or unreasonable to shed a few tears if that’s how it makes her feel. YWBVU to get cross with her for that, even if you privately think it’s silly.

A lot of my friends who aren’t royalists in the slightest have said they’ve really surprised themselves with how sad or unsettled they feel at the news. You don’t have to be a fan of the monarchy to feel something about a pretty huge change happening in the country. My heart skipped a beat when Huw Edwards said ‘the king’ for the first time, it was so surreal to hear. We’re already living through a pretty scary time and it’s no wonder people are feeling quite unsettled by this latest development.

Roussette · 09/09/2022 11:27

5128gap · 09/09/2022 10:38

I'm not emotionally effected by the Queen's death, but find the general atmosphere depressing and lowering my mood, which I could do without.
I think the circumstances call for a much more positive tone, to celebrate an incredibly good and long life, and (for those who value monarchy) the start of a new era.
I understand the need for some people to demonstrate respect, but don't see why it has to be all doom and gloom.
Members of the public are not 'grieving', as for even the most ardent royalist, the Queen is not a real figure in their lives who will be missed in any true sense of the word, so I genuinely don't understand the need of some to go through the rituals of mourning, making themselves unnecessarily and disproportionately upset by seeking out sentiment and sadness.
Imo its a lot healthier to try to keep persepective and focus on getting on with our real lives.

Yes to this.
I am not grieving. She lead an incredible life and I can recognise that despite not being a Royalist

vera99 · 09/09/2022 11:31

Jeremy Corbyn
@jeremycorbyn
My thoughts are with the Queen’s family as they come to terms with their personal loss, as well as those here and around the world who will mourn her death.
I enjoyed discussing our families, gardens and jam-making with her.

May she rest in peace.
7:41 PM · Sep 8, 2022
·Twitter for iPhone

ShhDoNotTell · 09/09/2022 11:37

You’re not unreasonable not to feel anything. You are unreasonable to suggest others should not. There isn’t a limit on grief or love. I am able to grieve for the queen and the disruption to our sense of normalcy as well as grieve other things like injustice or abuse or tragedy.

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 09/09/2022 11:57

You are not being unreasonable OP. I have no feelings one way or the other and the grief vampires and virtue signallers are already becoming unbearable.

I also very much resent being told to "have respect". Other people don't get to decide who is worthy of my respect! Their own, sure, but don't be handing mine out.

HollaHolla · 09/09/2022 12:25

YANBU. I get it, it's sad. She had an incredible life, and lived until a grand old age. BUT, it's not a tragedy. She was elderly, well cared for, and 'died peacefully at home, surrounded by family.'
I can understand paying national tribute, but the loons travelling to lay flowers could be making donations for other old people, who are struggling, instead.
I work in Edinburgh, and am dreading the disruption if there's a lying in tribute at St Giles. Mind you, a colleague has just taken a 1/2 day to drive to Balmoral to 'pay tribute....'

Mummydoingmybest · 09/09/2022 12:32

Richielogic · 09/09/2022 05:05

Now don’t get me wrong, of course it’s a massive loss to the UK, commonwealth and to her family, I get that but for me personally I’m just not feeling it. I think I have so many matters of my own, work and family to deal with and worry about that I just can’t relate to it.

Only today three hours before the official announcement, all five main UK TV channels were nonstop talking about the queen and we have gone into what I can only describe as a “24hr Queenathon” where in respect, TV is in a loop just talking about the same thing over and over constant. We will have weeks of this now and a bank holiday so more business interruption at a horrendous economic time and I’m sick of it already.

It's not that I’m uncompassionate, I got very upset recently over some of the atrocities that children in Ukraine have faced from Russian aggression, they have something to really worry about at night, that really upset me but with the Queen passing I’m just not feeling it. I will celebrate the life of the Queen, she has been amazing, but I can’t relate to mourning over her, I just can’t.

My Sister-in-law today has been in tears over the Queens death, half of me feels like saying “just get a grip, you're lucky that’s all you need to cry about” of course I won't, will just nod and say it's very sad but I just think, yes Queens been incredible, let's celebrate her life but as for mourning, shouldn’t that be for direct family only? AIBU?

Finally, at 96 I feel she had a really long life, worked hard but the best of everything. Some good people just don’t get a fraction of that, maybe that’s also a factor for me. Anyone else feeling the same or am I being uncompassionate?

Totally agree with you.
I am shocked by how much this has taken over everything! It’s all everyone is talking about and it’s ridiculous. It’s sad for her family yes but she was 96… it was inevitable. What makes me sad is that lots of other people would have died yesterday at young ages and in horrible circumstances and no one even knows about it.

Find the whole obsession, the creepy poems, Facebook and Instagram posts from people who have never spoken about her before just a bit nauseating!!

some people love this kind of thing… they love the drama and negativity and jump all over it.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/09/2022 12:36

Not much sign of the nation mourning going on here at Gatwick airport at the moment and if I'm honest being nosey- people aren't discussing it either. Doesn't mean they didn't respect the Queen. I'm actually quite suprised how normal it is- I did think it might get very mawkish , flags and screens everywhere etc- and you know I think the queen from what I saw was a practical fun person who would want people to get on with life. Have a drink- raise a glass to her etc -

Livpool · 09/09/2022 12:37

We best get a day off! Sorry if that sounds unfeeling. Sad for her family but she was 96 so not a shock!

Original poster
Richielogic · 09/09/2022 14:29

Work break sandwich for my lunch, thought i will put "Steph's packed lunch" on for half hour whilst i eat it, take my mind off work and there she is dressed in black with her talk show, you guessed it, a special to talk about the Queen, FFS. Just turned it off.

BBC and ITV are now 24hr news specials on the queen. Not sure if more of the same tomorrow.

I totally get it....Just had enough already compared with everything else going on. I best buy some shares in Netflix quick, I think they will do well at this rate....

New queen stuff for them to cover soon as they will have the state funeral day and of course they will have the Charles 3 Coronation Day to cover.

OP posts:
Prescottdanni123 · 09/09/2022 15:03

Performative grief- dictionary definition - an insult for people on mumsnet to throw at people who are feeling things more deeply than they are or showing respect in a different way to them.

vera99 · 09/09/2022 15:40

Just back from the Palace probably around 2k folk and hundreds of media crews tents and kit. Probaly of the crowd 10 - 15 % in black. Dozens carrying flowers which they leave on the railings. Thousands of bunches there now. Was there when Charles and Camellia came quite exciting. Crowd jovial but respectful bit of a carnival atmosphere there. Coppers laughing and joking with the crowd. Modest cheering when they moved amongst the crowd but didn't come near us before they walked into the Palace. If this is ground zero for the event then I don't see why anyone would cancel anything. Made me proud to British in that there was no hysteria or fake solemnity. The half mast flag came down to be replaced with the Royal Standard at full mast.

Queen Passing but Not feeling It – AIBU
Queen Passing but Not feeling It – AIBU
Queen Passing but Not feeling It – AIBU
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2022 16:04

I agree it's the end of an era and triggering for those who've had our own losses, but overall believe yours is a very measured response, OP

As someone with no time for the entire institution I admittedly would say that, but crying over the death of a 96 year old we didn't even know seems a bit much.
Frankly I'm more upset about who it's meant handing over to

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2022 16:12

Performative grief - dictionary definition - an insult for people on mumsnet to throw at people who are feeling things more deeply than they are or showing respect in a different way to them

Can I suggest it's the "performative" bit that matters there?
Though we may find some of it a bit odd it's not for anyone to tell others how they should feel, but encouraging public grief can very easily turn into a Diana scanario and for me that's better avoided

the80sweregreat · 09/09/2022 16:24

I admit I was upset yesterday, but only because it made me remember my own parents who are both now deceased and she is the only monarch I've ever known.
However, I feels that 10 days if it is too much , but I assume that , in time , the tv will go back to normal and once the funeral is over it'll settle down a bit. I do understand those that are republicans who are unhappy , but it is what it is. Maybe they should have a referendum on it in a few years time ? Might settle a few things ?

Prescottdanni123 · 09/09/2022 16:31

@Puzzledandpissedoff

Some of the nastiness aimed at people who have had the audacity to wear black to work/expressed an interest in laying flowers/admitted to crying is pretty disgusting. And yes, accusations of performative grief have been involved in all of these cases. People can do these things purely because they want to pay their respects, not because they are making it all about them or because they are showing off etc

Benjispruce4 · 09/09/2022 18:08

It’s crazy how every radio station is playing slow music. I hate being dictated to. Spotify for me.

Benjispruce4 · 09/09/2022 18:08

i work black to work today but that was totally coincidental.

Twiglets1 · 09/09/2022 19:25

5128gap · 09/09/2022 10:57

Yes. What would be a helpful gesture is if the new king started his reign with a simple statement requesting that people stop with the flowers and instead donate to food banks or other charities in memory of the Queen. Even if only some listened it could make a huge difference.

Show quote history

Totally agree - that would be a wonderfully positive way for him to start his reign and show that he has sympathy for people struggling and in need of food banks.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/09/2022 19:34

Some of the nastiness aimed at people who have had the audacity to wear black to work/expressed an interest in laying flowers/admitted to crying is pretty disgusting

Yes, I agree it's off when things such as this happen - after all why shouldn't people feel sad and want to mark the occasion in some way?

I was thinking of rather more ostentatious displays though, and particularly the drive to make them public, which makes me wonder how much is about honouring the Queen and how much driven by a wish for attention

MuthaHubbard · 09/09/2022 21:48

I feel sad that someone has lost their mum/gran/etc and brings it home that my mum won't be around forever.
I acknowledge the end of an era, she was a woman of her word and served til the very end - albeit in a position of privilege.
Other than that, it's no different to any other old famous passing

girlfriend44 · 09/09/2022 21:57

NumptiesIncorporated · 09/09/2022 05:26

Seems like the most reasonable response.

She lived a long, healthy, privileged life. This is not a tragedy, it's completely expected And you didn't know her. Your life is not going to change in any meaningful way. I'm sure there will be plenty other people to do the whole performative grieving thing. Leave it to them.

Somebody posted on fb that you life is never going to be the same again why not?