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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining to go to my best friends wedding

440 replies

Newmumma88 · 08/09/2022 11:16

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

OP posts:
Arbesque · 08/09/2022 12:16

I think you should have waited until after the birth to make a decision. You were a bit quick to decline.

Her sister is an absolute disgrace though, and someone should be having stern words with her.

Pixiedust1234 · 08/09/2022 12:17

This is the problem with appeasement, it never ends well. Next time dont appease because you feel pressured. Compromise and appeasement are not the same.

I would still decline to go, if only because of how nasty the sister has been. You have no knowledge of how the rest of the wedding party guests will behave with you and it could turn into a really unpleasant experience.

Apologise, say you aren't still fully healed and can't travel far/sit for long and leave it at that. Dont make it about the baby, make it about the birth. Nobody can argue with that.

User354354 · 08/09/2022 12:17

Their behaviour is rude.

However I'm really not sure why you declined the invite. I understand you not wanting to be MoH but you could have gone as a guest with the baby.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 08/09/2022 12:17

They haven't behaved well but you could have gone.

cadburyegg · 08/09/2022 12:18

You are all being unreasonable.

You were unreasonable not to try to make the effort to be honest. A newborn I can understand but not a baby 3-4 months. You're wrong if you think it gets easier to travel with babies. This is the easiest age! After about 8 months or whenever they start moving it becomes more stressful until they are around 4.

Your friend and her sister's behaviour is awful though.

bookworm1982 · 08/09/2022 12:18

I agree that the friendship is fucked, but that's mainly due to the sister sticking her nose in. I think it could have been ok in the end, both a bit hurt, but you could have moved on eventually. However, her sister has basically ended your friendship.

MeridianB · 08/09/2022 12:19

Sad way to lose a friend, OP. Her lack of empathy is hard to come back from. Assuming she knows about her sister’s actions, she has responded to this poorly.

Stay at home with your baby DD. If you want to retain any kind of friendship then send a card and gift. Otherwise, it is time to move on.

lillyrabbit · 08/09/2022 12:19

I took my 5 month old abroad for a wedding. I was suffering from terrible PND following a severe tear and my baby being seriously ill immediately after birth and ending up in HDU for the first few weeks of his life. I say this not to put pressure on or show off but to demonstrate that anything is possible if you really want to go. I wouldn't have missed my friend's wedding for the world and I am so glad I went, even though it was incredibly stressful. If you don't want to go then don't, but I don't think your friendship will be the same (although to be honest they don't seem that great anyway, the sister sounds like an absolute cow!)

Echobelly · 08/09/2022 12:19

I worry you are overly limiting yourself by deciding before DC was born that you couldn't travel at 11 weeks - but you'd be totally in your rights to say that you couldn't be sure if coming until baby was a few weeks old, because they could be very high needs and you couldn't commit.

But your 'friend' and her family's response should have been, when you said you couldn't come should have been: 'Oh no, how disappointing, is there anything we can do to make it easier for you to join us?' - not to slag you off and guilt-trip you.

One of DH's best men was expecting his first child around our wedding - our attitude was we'd be sorry to miss him if so, but happy it was for the loveliest reason. They did travel 2 hrs to our wedding with their 2-week old in the end though.

I took DC1 abroad at 9 weeks - you don't need to overly worry about travel. I think with everything that's passed, going to this wedding is a no-no - it would have only taken a pinch of empathy for them to offer support if they wanted you there rather than criticism, and they didn't even have that.

But please allow yourself more leeway with your baby - especially pre mobile it's actually a good time to take them around to places.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 08/09/2022 12:20

Your friend's sister sounds awful, she should have stayed out of it. Not clear from your messages about whether your friend is being unreasonable: she's right to be disappointed with you and she's right that you wouldn't have said you'd come without the last messages. I don't think you can expect her to be sweetness and light in the circumstances.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/09/2022 12:21

hashbrownsandwich · 08/09/2022 11:22

I do think you are being a bit OTT and it's true for a lot of people having an 11 week old wouldn't be an issue.

I think unfortunately the damage has been done and you need to just write the friendship off and learn from it.

Learn what, exactly?

That weddings have an unfortunate habit of turning previously rational people into presumptuous brats to rival Veruca Salt? Not to mention their audacious sisters. If the world doesn't stop because someone's had a baby, it certainly doesn't stop because someone wants to be 'princess for a day'.

LIZS · 08/09/2022 12:22

Too late now but turning down the invitation while pg or for the baby was unnecessary. It feels as you nose was put out by her announcing her engagement just after you announced your pg, as if somehow you are vying for attention.

babyjellyfish · 08/09/2022 12:22

I think her comment about you needing to be able to squeeze into a dress was massively out of line, but I would make the effort to go to my best friend's wedding at 3 months postpartum, for sure. I can understand why she is upset.

If you'd given birth three weeks ago, then you would have a point.

Toddlerteaplease · 08/09/2022 12:22

This is or was your best friend. I'd be very hurt that you declined my wedding just because you would have a 3 month old baby. Yes they are being unreasonable. But you are being very precious.

Freeme31 · 08/09/2022 12:23

Friend & sister were not very nice but think you are OTT about your baby, only 20 years ago most women only got 12 weeks maternity leave after the birth so were back out working. What a stress you are putting on yourself- relax for your own sake could your wider family not help & take baby overnight/weekend ?

nachoavocado · 08/09/2022 12:23

I wouldn't go and I'd cut her out my life.

Mischance · 08/09/2022 12:23

Ah weddings ..... such joyous occasions!

What a pair of nit-wits. It is so sad that people set such store by big weddings that they forget that it is not the most important thing in the world, that others have their lives and problems, which they are not obliged to put on hold, and that there is no need for humanity and kindness to fly pout of the window.

They are being ridiculous. You must do what is right for your family.

RedToothBrush · 08/09/2022 12:23

Sister is cowardly.

I would make the point to your friend that its not acceptable for her sister to get their relatives to harass and abuse you.

You have made it clear you don't feel up to going to the wedding. This isn't personal and it isn't because you don't love her. Its because you feel like you would / are struggling with a newborn and you don't find it manageable. If she was a good friend she would understand the strain of this. The world hasn't stopped because you've had a baby. What has changed is your ability to drop everything and put your social life first. Her wedding simply is a step too far.

If she can't deal with that, she's not your friend. Move on.

CrunchyCarrot · 08/09/2022 12:24

Appalling behaviour by your 'friend' and her sister. Not worth bothering with them again.

YellowTreeHouse · 08/09/2022 12:24

Also struggling to understand why you declined. Think you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill here.

Baby will be 4 months - they’re not a newborn anymore.

I think you’re using baby as an excuse because you don’t want to go.

Thehonestbadger · 08/09/2022 12:24

Ah OP I’m sorry but YABU and frustratingly wish washy which is almost worst tbh.

Did she come to your wedding? I see this so much in friendship groups, those who l achieve life stages earliest and enjoy a lot of attention for that have usually moved on and are ‘over it’ by the time the stragglers get there. It’s her wedding, it’s a massive deal and being 3 months+ PP isn’t a good enough reason not to go (unless you have really significant injuries/issues) so I suspect you’re actually not going because you don’t want to and you’re priorities have changed. It doesn’t make you a bad person…but it does make you a crappy friend if we are honest. We all become crappy friends to some extent. I have two kids under 3 and I’ve pretty much given up on all my pre children friendships because I’m unreliable and unmotivated and it wasn’t really fair to them.

its natural and actually perfectly fine for this transition to happen as long as you own it and are straight up about it. You’re not being. You’ve messed around ‘I might/might not/I’ll come on my own, here’s a boat load of excuses’ I mean at £200+ a plate I’m not surprised she’s really annoyed. Just apologise profusely now and set your stall out ‘my priorities have changed and since having my DD this friendship isn’t high on the list anymore. I wish you nothing but luck and happiness but I won’t be attending’

thesurrealist · 08/09/2022 12:25

Think this is one of those times when it would be useful to hear the other side.....

Get the feeling that the bride (and maybe the sister too) might have a very different tale. But hey, ho, we only have the one side. Go, don't go....in the great scheme of things no one will really care if you are there or not. It's obvious you aren't the close friends you thought you were.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 08/09/2022 12:25

Just block them both. She's not a friend, let alone best friend!

Neverhot · 08/09/2022 12:26

I can understand why your friend is upset, I would 100% expect my best friend to be at my wedding if she had a baby 12 or 16 weeks before, as I would be for her. Of course, the decision is up to you and if you don't want to go that's fine, but I wouldn't use the baby as an excuse.

WillPowerLite · 08/09/2022 12:27

The world doesn’t stop because you have a baby

This is one of the all-time most stupid things people say to you after you have a baby. Shit like this only adds to new mothers' guilt and MH problems.

Your world is massively changed by a baby. For a little while. Then you start working your baby into your life. This can take 24 hours or it can take months. For some parents, their lives are radically altered.

It's ok to say you aren't ready. A good friend would accept that. Four months old is still a very young baby.

And of course sleep schedules matter. They allow the parents to sleep.

I flew to another continent with my first born at 8 weeks. I don't win a mothering prize for that. Nor does anyone else. And you don't lose the race because you feel it best to avoid a 5-hour journey with your baby.