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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining to go to my best friends wedding

440 replies

Newmumma88 · 08/09/2022 11:16

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

OP posts:
Minesril · 08/09/2022 11:50

I had a baby right at the start of lockdown...I would've loved to have taken him shown him off to a wedding.

She probably is really upset, but emotions do run high when you're planning your wedding.

Parky04 · 08/09/2022 11:51

We flew to Australia with a 4 month old baby for my best friends wedding. You don't have to go but don't use your baby as an excuse! Just tell her you can't be bothered.

10HailMarys · 08/09/2022 11:52

I can see why your friend was hurt that you're not attending the wedding for this reason. I think most people do manage to do these things with babies.

However, setting her sister on you like some sort of attack dog was awful of her and they both sound quite unpleasant. I suspect your friendship is probably over.

Nowyouwillfeel · 08/09/2022 11:53

i do think YABU. I have an 8 week old, also born early via section as I developed pre eclampsia. I am going to a close friends wedding on the first weekend in October. I am at the top table. I never even thought about not going to be honest. I am a mess and know I won’t be looking my best, I am in an extra large dress but I want to be there. My DH will take the lead with the baby and I’ve got a second dress for the dinner onwards to facilitate breastfeeding. I am not exactly looking forward of it and don’t see how I’ll survive in heels but I love my friend and want to be there. My friend had a baby in July and was bridesmaid for me in early November without issue and my other bridesmaid was 38 weeks pregnant. I would’ve been devastated if they hadn’t been there.

we also have to travel from the wedding. We will just take the recommended breaks - yes the journey will be longs but that’s just how it is.

overall, you aren’t being a good friend but they’ve now been horrible back to you so unfortunately that’s the friendship over I’d say!

Angelinflipflops · 08/09/2022 11:53

Babies are very transportable

newjobwhodisperhaps · 08/09/2022 11:53

I would attend for a short while but only if my baby could come too. DD was solely breastfed and would not take bottles for love nor money.
If she's a true best friend she would understand that a child is a higher priority, especially a tiny baby, and would accommodate to have you there.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 08/09/2022 11:54

The whole lot of you are being unreasonable!

toastofthetown · 08/09/2022 11:54

We had two babies younger than yours at our wedding, with similar travel times to you. You’re not unreasonable not to go, but if my best friend declined my wedding because they would have a three month old baby, I’d be disappointed and assume that we weren’t as close as I’d thought and that probably would affect the relationship going forward.

Her sister is being unreasonable in sending nasty messages, but assuming your friend didn’t ask her to, then your friend also isn’t unreasonable to still be disappointed.

Wouldloveanother · 08/09/2022 11:55

@Nowyouwillfeel im sure you will look lovely, and it will be great to have some nice photos of you and DH and baby dressed up!

PeekAtYou · 08/09/2022 11:57

I think that you probably could attend the wedding and it's the events in the buildup like the hen and dress shopping that wouldn't be possible.

Hillary17 · 08/09/2022 11:58

Sounds like they haven’t reacted well sure. But honestly I’d be so disappointed in my friend if they didn’t come to my wedding. Your baby can travel, you could have embraced it and bought her a lovely outfit etc. my best friend came to my wedding with a 3 week old baby and travelled 4 hours. It honestly meant the world and on the day she absolutely did everything at her own pace; fed when needed, went for walk, wore her dress different for feeding, left at 7pm… they should have behaved better but I really think you’ve overreacted sadly.

maddening · 08/09/2022 11:58

If it were possible to go on a train I might take a 3 month old then as you can just chill out, perhaps book 1st class? But if not no, such a long journey is ridiculous.

Life doesn't stop because she got married fgs.

If you even want to sort it out with her she needs to apologise for her behaviour and ensure that her sister does not harass you again. But you need a chat (not via messages) before you even think about fixing the friendship or going to the wedding.

Mamoun · 08/09/2022 11:59

I didn't have a difficult birth but I travelled to France with a 7 week old baby, and back to the UK with a 11 week old baby. We crossed France and did it over three days. Didn't look forward to it but it went very well.

SafferUpNorth · 08/09/2022 11:59

Your friend and in particular her sister are BU putting such pressure on you - receiving that kind of abuse from a bride and her family would be reason enough for me to think twice about the friendship, and therefore about going.

However, on the other hand, you can certainly make it work going with a 4-month-old. I've been to a few weddings with sleeping newborns in prams parked in the corner while the mum enjoys a bit of a dance 😆

Maybe being MOH is out of the question now. but try to go, you'll probably enjoy it, Ask about feed/changing spaces etc.

Forestgate · 08/09/2022 12:00

NCFT0922 · 08/09/2022 11:19

Sorry but I don’t understand why you can’t go. Obviously, their behaviour is unacceptable but I think YABU.

This. If she's really your best friend you would be going. Whist their behaviour is a bit ott She and her sister are probably acting that waa as theyre upset as they are realising they don't mean that much to you. If you're happy for the friendship to end then that's no worries but otherwise you need to make the effort to go even just for a bit. .

cultkid · 08/09/2022 12:01

Nowyouwillfeel · 08/09/2022 11:53

i do think YABU. I have an 8 week old, also born early via section as I developed pre eclampsia. I am going to a close friends wedding on the first weekend in October. I am at the top table. I never even thought about not going to be honest. I am a mess and know I won’t be looking my best, I am in an extra large dress but I want to be there. My DH will take the lead with the baby and I’ve got a second dress for the dinner onwards to facilitate breastfeeding. I am not exactly looking forward of it and don’t see how I’ll survive in heels but I love my friend and want to be there. My friend had a baby in July and was bridesmaid for me in early November without issue and my other bridesmaid was 38 weeks pregnant. I would’ve been devastated if they hadn’t been there.

we also have to travel from the wedding. We will just take the recommended breaks - yes the journey will be longs but that’s just how it is.

overall, you aren’t being a good friend but they’ve now been horrible back to you so unfortunately that’s the friendship over I’d say!

You will look lovely and you know what your love and care for your friend will shine through xx

supersonicginandtonic · 08/09/2022 12:03

My first born came to Glastonbury at 12
Weeks old. No idea why you can't go to a wedding. The car seat excuse is a poor one too.

Friendofdennis · 08/09/2022 12:03

You didn’t know how the birth and new born stage would be so you wisely let your friend know in advance that things might no go to plan. It turned out that you were right to do that as you had a traumatic birth and your baby was born prematurely. Yes you are right not to to make a long trip with a premature baby. If they are sitting up for too long it can affect their breathing. This is not being ‘precious’ it’s a fact. The sister is being an idiot. Your are prioritising your own family and your work is currently centred around them. It’s a shame that your friend is not more accommodating to the compromise you have made it seems that at this stage nothing will be good enough for her. They obviously are not being empathic to you as a new mother and their focus is entirely on the wedding. I would stop trying to please her. You have offered to compromise and go without your baby which is a big sacrifice and inconvenience. I don’t think you can do any more than that

penguin23 · 08/09/2022 12:03

Here we go, lets all pile on the OP, don't you know you should have travelled to the moon with your newborn by now, so a wedding 5 hours away should be nothing! Look at all these other super mums going to Amsterdam and Canada! FFS! I despair, childbirth and motherhood really are a competition to some people!

I get it OP, when I had my daughter it totally changed me, I had anxiety and PND, even a short trip in the car felt like a massive challenge. People didn't get it, I had people telling me I should be doing this and that and going to XYZ and I was letting people down. Just what a new mum needs to hear!

I think it was reasonable to assume you wouldn't be able to go to the wedding when your "friend" announced her engagement. It's not hard to think there could be a chance it would be quite difficult as you wouldn't know how the birth/feeding etc would go, so you decided against being MOH then rather than agree and pull out nearer the wedding. They're not nice people, maybe your friend isn't who you thought she was. Just do what's best for you and your baby, real friends and reasonable people would understand that.

bookworm1982 · 08/09/2022 12:04

milkyaqua · 08/09/2022 11:49

All the YABU posters, seem to think the OP should drive for more than 5 hours with an 11 week old baby... and I imagine another 5+ hours back.

I think they, the bride, and her horrible sister are being unreasonable. They were warned it was unlikely she would be able to attend many months ago:

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

The baby is 11 weeks old and the wedding is not till October - so by the time of the wedding the baby will be nearly 4 months.

OP - the amount of weddings I've been to that have had very very new mums there, including a wedding recently when the brides best friend had brought along her two week old baby, accompanied by her mother who was there on hand to help.

As for the drive, I flew with my child at three weeks old, then again even further at two months.

If my best friend had told me - before the baby was even born so no ideas of potential trauma, PTSD etc - that she couldn't possibly attend my wedding because her three month old will have a 'feeding and sleeping schedule', I'd have laughed at her. And then been furious. So precious.

Wouldloveanother · 08/09/2022 12:05

penguin23 · 08/09/2022 12:03

Here we go, lets all pile on the OP, don't you know you should have travelled to the moon with your newborn by now, so a wedding 5 hours away should be nothing! Look at all these other super mums going to Amsterdam and Canada! FFS! I despair, childbirth and motherhood really are a competition to some people!

I get it OP, when I had my daughter it totally changed me, I had anxiety and PND, even a short trip in the car felt like a massive challenge. People didn't get it, I had people telling me I should be doing this and that and going to XYZ and I was letting people down. Just what a new mum needs to hear!

I think it was reasonable to assume you wouldn't be able to go to the wedding when your "friend" announced her engagement. It's not hard to think there could be a chance it would be quite difficult as you wouldn't know how the birth/feeding etc would go, so you decided against being MOH then rather than agree and pull out nearer the wedding. They're not nice people, maybe your friend isn't who you thought she was. Just do what's best for you and your baby, real friends and reasonable people would understand that.

But that’s exactly why OP should go. What’s she going to do, stay at home forever? Sometimes you just have to take the plunge and do something. And you’ll feel better for it afterwards. I wouldn’t have gone to Australia, granted, but I stayed overnight with relatives a few hours away when DD was 7 weeks old.

Travis1 · 08/09/2022 12:07

Decline, block her and move on. Yes others may be happy to travel with a 3 month old but you are not. As is always said on here it's an invite not a summons. I wouldn't be going simply because she got her sister to give you dogs abuse. That wasn't her place. Has she made any effort to visit you since you had your child|? How much has she been in touch? Who keeps the relationship going?

WillPowerLite · 08/09/2022 12:07

Her sister has been absolutely vile to you. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable. For this alone, I would cancel.

This is your best friend, and if mine was struggling with first-time parenthood, I would understand and want her to do what is best for her. After all, this is a friendship that I want to last my whole life. We could celebrate my marriage later.

Why they - or anyone - thinks a wedding is more significant than childbirth and new parenthood, I do not know. Did she drive 5 hours to celebrate the arrival of your baby?

You will always have posters saying, 'What is your problem? I skiied 17 hours uphill with my newborn strapped to my back to get to the wedding of a 3rd cousin.' Ignore them.

A 5 hour journey with a young baby is tricky. Not impossible, but lengthy and irritating. If you are breastfeeding and go alone - it will be difficult. We have no idea how supportive your partner is.

Not everyone responds the same way to motherhood; not everyone faces the same challenges and issues. You feel this is not do-able for you and your baby.

Decline. Just don't go. Find new friends who care about your well-being. Any friend who responds like this to someone missing their wedding is best left behind.

MassiveSalad22 · 08/09/2022 12:07

Well you certainly won’t feel welcome now will you!!? I’m amazed you offered to go by yourself after the way they spoke to you, that was really brave of you. Best friend?? She sounds shit!!

VivX · 08/09/2022 12:07

They were unpleasant.

But to be honest, like others, I can't see the issue in taking the baby to the wedding. We took a newborn, a toddler and preschooler to a wedding 500 miles away.
It's perfectly do-able if you plan ahead and make frequent stops.