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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining to go to my best friends wedding

440 replies

Newmumma88 · 08/09/2022 11:16

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

OP posts:
SalmonEile · 08/09/2022 11:36

How close have you and your friend been for the last few months?

Do you have other friends and family in that area the wedding is?

has she met your baby or been interested and supportive?

I can see why you declined being a bridesmaid but I think you were a bit quick to say no to going at all with a 3 month old - I can understand why it would seem daunting though and at the end of the day it was your choice whether to go or not but I can also see why your friend was disappointed

her sister though , what a piece of work! She never should’ve got involved

dudsville · 08/09/2022 11:36

I can understand why your friend would want you there. I can understand why you don't want to go. The unreasonable bit is all the emotional intensity.

timeforthebeach · 08/09/2022 11:36

cranberrymilkshake · 08/09/2022 11:32

Her sister was not nice and shouldn't have said those things.
But it feels like you never even tried to make it possible to go. You listed all the reasons why it wasn't possible.
In my opinion it's absolutely fine to travel with a 3 month old, actually much easier than with a 1 year old. I did lots of travelling (by plane and car) when my DCs were babies.
You just don't want to go, which is your decision I guess but not very nice for your best friend.

Agree with this and other PP.
You decided you didn't want to go before your baby was born so it's unfair to your friend.
Their behaviour has been atrocious though so now I can understand why you don't want to go.

PurplePinecone · 08/09/2022 11:38

Did she go to your wedding? Was it important to you that she attended? Did she have to travel a long way to attend? I think she and her sister have a right to be upset. It seems form the start you decided you weren't going. If you really wanted to go you would have at least tried and been positive about it. Sounds like you don't want to be her friend of you aren't willing to make the effort.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 08/09/2022 11:38

Not sure why you can’t go to the wedding with a 4 month old? It will be fine.

their reaction is awful though

vivainsomnia · 08/09/2022 11:38

You seem to have gone into quite a lot of detail to justify why you can't go. I can see how they would come as excuses and your attitude being hurtful. I would have been too.

The damage is done though. If you do go, you can expect a frosty response, although that could potentially be savaged afterwards.

If you don't go, just move on.

Jalepenojello · 08/09/2022 11:39

I can’t see why you can’t go either? 3 weeks after I’d be sympathetic and be in two minds myself, but 3 months??

Her sister sounds ridiculous for getting herself involved but I’d find your response upsetting too.

Iheartmykyndle · 08/09/2022 11:39

I thought you were going to say you'd be due at the same time as the wedding but your baby is 3 months old? I say this as someone who had a traumatic birth, get a grip.

Obviously their behaviour is shit but if this really is your BFF I can see why she's so hurt. I think your friendship is probably over.

abovedecknotbelow · 08/09/2022 11:39

Their behaviour is shitty, but I don't get why you can't go. You've pissed her off by not even trying to find a solution and she's pissed you off by her reaction.

The friendship is over isn't it.

Crazycrazylady · 08/09/2022 11:39

To be honest, totally get the bridesmaid thing but i think i;d be hurt if my best friend straight off the blocks said she might not come because she has a 3 month old, 3 week old i'd understand but not 3 month old.

Sounds like the relationship is fecked now anyway though so you can suit yourseld

doitwithlove · 08/09/2022 11:40

Sorry to read this, your friend is not being considerate at all especially if she is your best friend.

Rather than put yourself through this please do not beat yourself up. Your body is still healing, tell your friend you will not be attending the wedding and leave it to your friend to appoint another MOH

Maybe the friends gobby sister will step up, I can imagine the bullying on the day of the wedding if you were to attend.

Congratulations on your baby & good luck 🌻

Festoonlights · 08/09/2022 11:40

Its a wedding not a court summons!

inappropriateraspberry · 08/09/2022 11:42

Both of you are being a bit precious, but it's your decision, for whatever reason, to go or not. No one should be forced to go to a wedding, after all this I don't think it would be enjoyable anyway.

Bobshhh · 08/09/2022 11:42

She's obviously not your best friend is she, because I'd do anything I can to be at my best friend's wedding. It sounds like you're creating barriers not to be there and I can see why she's upset.

Anothernamechangeplease · 08/09/2022 11:43

Of course the OP could go if she wanted to, but evidently she doesn't want to. And that is her prerogative.

The friendship clearly isn't that important to her. The bride has reacted badly when realising this.

The friendship is clearly over, as neither of them really seems to care that much. Best to just let it go in that scenario.

maddy68 · 08/09/2022 11:43

I have no idea why you can't go.
You are being weird about this. And frankly a terrible friend.
I would organise myself and go of this was my friend. In fact I went to my brother's a road wedding with my baby who was 10 weeks old

cultkid · 08/09/2022 11:45

They have been rude
But you've been really precious

yabqu

Unicorn717 · 08/09/2022 11:45

It sounded like you decided not to go way before you could really think about maybe actually going but it's your decision. I'd be a bit disappointed if my "best friend" had said the same.

I remember having to travel with my son who was a few months old to an important family event because I knew it meant a lot to them.

But her and the sisters messages would have put me off going at this point anyway.

CJsGoldfish · 08/09/2022 11:46

I imagine your (supposed) best friend is hurt because it sounds like you never wanted to go and used your baby as an excuse. I mean, 3 months + and you can't possibly manage to attend the wedding of your best friend?
The sister is being awful but I imagine she's reacting to her sisters hurt. Not that she should treat you that way, of course.
Time for your bestie to find a new best friend 🤷‍♀️

cultkid · 08/09/2022 11:46

I went to Amsterdam and cycled around with my 5 week old baby who was 5 weeks prem

You'll get depressed if you live like this. Get on with your life for your sake

Florin · 08/09/2022 11:48

Your friend and sister have behaved appallingly but I can completely understand their hurt. Saying no so far in advance was crazy and you are being very precious at 3 months it should be very doable. At 3 months they are at their most portable and by that age we had taken our son on holiday 3 times once by plane, once by very long ferry and once by car for 5 hours and it wasn’t a problem. Wait until they are a toddler it’s much harder then! It seems a shame that you have destroyed a friendship over it.

HannahsLife · 08/09/2022 11:49

I have a 3 month old. There's no reason you can't go unless you don't want to. Friend realizes you don't want to and reacts accordingly - is upset. You're BU and PFB.

milkyaqua · 08/09/2022 11:49

All the YABU posters, seem to think the OP should drive for more than 5 hours with an 11 week old baby... and I imagine another 5+ hours back.

I think they, the bride, and her horrible sister are being unreasonable. They were warned it was unlikely she would be able to attend many months ago:

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

PurpleDaisies · 08/09/2022 11:50

All the YABU posters, seem to think the OP should drive for more than 5 hours with an 11 week old baby... and I imagine another 5+ hours back.

Yes, that’s right. I’d do it for a best friend. Friends have done it for other friends’ weddings.

Nadal · 08/09/2022 11:50

Honestly at 16 weeks, I can't see the issue. I travelled to my friends wedding when DC was about 12 weeks. All fine. You don't have to stay late partying.

But sounds like the damage is done. They have been hurtful to you, but I get she is hurt too.