Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

You did the right thing OP. Birth of a baby is far more important than a poxy wedding.

I do. Really what is the big deal????

I think if she really is your best friend, then you should go, show more willingness, etc

Sorry I think YABU. I wouldn't miss my best friends wedding for anything. If you are so worried about the drive maybe stop half way for the night? I'd have been gutted if my best friend didn't come to mine, she had a three month old baby and was my MOH even though she lives 400 miles away.

If she really is the OP's best friend, she would understand why the OP doesn't feel able to attend. If she doesn't understand this, she's no friend.

I'm envious of posters saying just stop once or twice, with my first baby at that age a 5 hour journey became 10 hours and that was only necessary feeding and nappy stops, no stops to sit and have lunch.
Not sure if it was fortunate or not that that was the return leg that became 10 hours, the outward journey was not as bad (but definitely more than two stops) and pre DC we did used to do that journey pretty regularly without stopping at all.

YANBU not to go but I think I'd call time on the friendship.

You can trivialise anything. There are seven billion people on the planet, what’s so special about one more?

I agree with her sister, the world doesn't stop for a baby. I took my young baby on what should have been a 5 hour journey, yes it took longer, about 7, due to stops but it wasn't unmanageable. I would definitely have done it in your shoes

The world doesn’t stop for a wedding.

@drpet49 the world doesn’t have to stop, but that’s exactly what OP is suggesting; that she stops doing things now she has a baby. It’s pathetic tbh.

No, no, I get it. When I was pregnant with my first child I made sure to keep my schedule completely clear for the initial 18 years. Just in case my child needed something.

I would be interested to know if any research re correlation between those that completely stop doing anything or making plans etc when they have a baby and PND.

i expect there is a strong link

I don't think anyone would have criticised the OP, if she'd been planning on going, but was striking with PND and really not feeling upto it.

The difference is that she's decided 6 months before the baby was even born that she couldn't possibly go to a wedding with a 3mo. That's what is making her sounds precious and she's the first woman ever to have a baby

Oh I think the OP was totally unreasonable

and then the friend and sister have behaved appallingly

So a shit show all round 😂

my point was I reckon there will be a link between higher rates of PND amongst those that essentially decide social life must grind to a standstill post birth

People deal with things differently. Whilst some people have had traumatic births and bounced back feeling ready and willing to travel at 3 months it doesn't mean everyone will be physically and mentally ready. That doesn't make the OP a bad friend.

As for the bride. Frankly when I was getting married the only persons attendance that was non negotiable to me was my husband. The bride and her sister are being OTT.

Isn't it more likely to be the other way around? Women who have PND, or risk factors for it such as difficult pregnancies, are more likely to restrict their activities after the birth.

Did you read my post? That is precisely what I am saying

Sorry didn’t mean to post that!!

on another thread about bisexuality! 😂

i meant deciding to restrict your activities before you’d even given birth

OP you were well within your rights to decline at the outset. You were honest about how you felt and your 'friend' should have respected that. People can say it's easy to transport babies etc but you had no idea how you were going to feel and it was right not to put that pressure on yourself, you should be able to prioritise you and your family at such an important time without backlash.

Her and her sister clearly can't respect the boundaries of others and think the world resolves them, she doesn't sound like a friend let alone a 'best' friend. I think it was very good of you to suggest a compromise, I wouldn't have done with that kind of response and she still isn't satisfied. I really don't think you should go to the wedding and I would expect at the very least an apology before continuing any kind of friendship although after her behaviour I'm not sure that would be enough. You don't need people like that in your life

I had interpreted your post, maybe wrongly, as saying that people have PND because they restrict their social activities. I was suggesting that it's the other way round: that people restrict their social activities because they have PND, or in advance because they have a difficult pregnancy/ are tired and under stress/ have limited family help and support- all of which are also likely to be risk factors for PND.

I think the vacillating is what has caused the issue here - plus the fact that the brides sister is unhinged.

No way would I have travelled that distance for a wedding with a small baby. I did attend a very close friends wedding when my first baby was three weeks old, but that was round the corner and I knew I could just go home at any point.

Why can’t it be both?

My point was that I would be interested in any correlation between those that set very high expectations of themselves before giving birth re being utterly dedicated to the baby and so ruling out any social events for the first first months at least of the baby’s life…. And PND

I think YABU and a bit precious to have already decided before baby was born, not to attend your best friend's wedding.
If that was my best friend then travelling 5hrs with a new baby who just eats and sleeps, is actually very do able.
You could have sat in back with the baby I'm case she/he was fussing.
I had a traumatic birth which ended up with 3 blood transfusions, but 2 weeks later, I attended my sisters birthday 3hrs away, as it was an important occasion.

I think if you really wanted to have gone then you'd have put the effort in, but for some reason you decided before the birth that you wouldn't possibly be able to travel with a 3 month old baby.....

No ones suggested it does, the op has suggested it stops for a baby though, which it doesn't