Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

Like it or not, not going to the weddings of close family and friends is making a big statement. You decided very early that you couldn't go, that is a very clear statement about how you view your friendship.

I'm usually the one on here defending any new mum who's struggling - I found the first few months of DD1's life very difficult, I had an EMCS, she had silent reflux and couldn't be put down, sleep just didn't happen, she hated the car. Hardest thing I've ever done. But we damn sure went to my sister's wedding a few hours away, put the fancy clothes on, slapped smiles on our faces and got on with it because that's what you do.

They haven't reacted well, but I can understand why the bride feels the way she does.

*Fwiw my youngest is 15months now and I’m still not over either of my births. Very few of my mum friends are. I think I might know one woman who had a ‘good’ birth but that’s it.
To an extent having a baby is signing up for a physical and mental trauma.

maybe you were one of the particularly horrific ‘I nearly died’ women and if you are then obviously that’s different but if it was the normal/moderate level of ‘oh god I’m never going to forget that! It did not go smoothly’ then most people wouldn’t accept it as a reason to not be out and about 3 months later x

Well the sister shouldn't be messaging or abusing you, that's unacceptable and not nice.

However not being able to go to a wedding with a 4mth old baby (you don't have a newborn) is utterly ridiculous. I couldn't be bothered with the pfb behaviour and would have told you not to bother to come from the start. She's supposed to be your friend and if you wanted to go then you would, it's that simple.

I know everyone is different but your behaviour is pretty extreme.

I think the friendship is clearly over so just move on.

You're being given a bit of a hard time. People are always saying on here it's an invitation not a summons. You don't have to go to her wedding if you don't want to (for whatever reason)
Yes you probably could fairly easily take a 4 month old baby and I would have done but if you don't feel comfortable that's up to you. You tried to give her notice and politely decline but she wouldn't take no for an answer. I understand she is disappointed but there's no excuse for her and her sister to attack you like that.
The friendship is forever altered now even if you do go so I'd think about how important it is to you but I probably wouldn't go now in light of what has happened

I think everyone is being unreasonable here tbh. Bride and sister sound awful (and this first started with the wanting you to fit into a dress thing so she was the first to be unreasonable) but in all honesty I don't think it would be too much to ask of you to go to your best friends wedding 3 months after having a baby. Unless something came up that meant the recovery wasn't there, but you just said no straight away. Nobody comes off well here.

YABU for not going to the wedding. It's 3months after, not 3 weeks or days. As your post said "the world doesn't stop because you had babies"

The sister is also BU - but she's defending her sister who is supposed to be your friend and is clearly upset. Not to mention you guilting her into the "fine I'll go on my own" rant at the 11th hour!

Sorry - I'd be pissed off with you too, OP. So what if the baby needs to move out of the travel seat every so often? Do it!

Bit late now though.

I had one bestie while I was in school and she remained my best friend throughout college. She got engaged and got married before I did and I attended her engagement party, her hen night and her wedding, where I was heavily pregnant at the time.
When the time came for my engagement and my wedding, after I had my baby, she was no where to be found. It wasn't an overseas wedding or one where she would even need to travel to a different county/borough, it was in the same county that she lived in. She was conspicuous by her absence. I haven't spoken to her since. I was so hurt by her not showing up, even for an hour, to my wedding. She wasn't at the ceremony earlier in the day and she wasn't at the reception afterwards. She was the one person (outside of immediate family) that I really really wanted to be there. And she wasn't. I would have been happy to see her at the ceremony and then if she had to slip away after that, that would have been fine. But absolutely no show was just the final straw for me.

How strong is your friendship? Could yours survive where mine didn't???

Her sister sounds completely OTT. The world may not stop because you’ve have a baby, but it also doesn’t revolve around a wedding either. I would say having a baby is a much bigger thing that a wedding and with a traumatic birth, it can take a long time to feel up to big journeys and events. Let’s hope she sails through pregnancy and labour. Her sister is only saying these things because your friend is no doubt bitching and moaning about you though so it’s on your friend.

The pair of them sound like immature playground bitches, their comments are nasty, so on that basis I wouldn’t be attending the wedding and would let the friendship end.

Tell her sister to STFU
Then tell BF you're not going to the wedding! Stop putting everyone before yourself.

You were massively overly precious, the sister was outrageous to you, and I can see why the bride is very ticked off at this point.

So yeah, you're not the worst behaved in this story (not by a mile), but I do think the tension with your friend (never mind the sister) is the result of your own choices.

I don't understand why you can't go. We drove 5hrs to take my 10 week old baby to visit elderly family. Traumatic birth, NICU stay etc included. We stopped after around 2 hrs. It took most of the day to get down and same to get back again but the memories and photos, plus making elderly family so so happy was so worth it! Honestly Ds just slept the whole journey and was no trouble.
Surely you want to be there at your friends wedding, especially if you were close enough to be her MOH.
I mean, her sister shouldn't have got involved but she was right, the world doesn't stop when you have a baby. Take baby to the wedding and have fun.

As a new mother with an 11 week old, premature baby then I think it reasonable for you not to go. This is not how a friend should be treating you.
And her sister is a toxic bitch.
Put yourself and baby first.

You say you've lost your friend when you need her the most but you are telling her that you won't be there when she needs you. Friendships are 2 way streets and it sounds like you haven't been holding up your end and the friend has had enough.

This.

No way would I miss my best friend's wedding just becaI have a 3 month old baby. It's not like her wedding is abroad and you have to fly out for a week. It's just a day.

Think you've been way over the top. Especially saying that since before your baby was even born! Fair enough if it was on your due date but it's your best friends wedding!! The sister's right, the world doesn't stop because we have babies. A 3 month old is very portable and there's no need to make the car journey so long. It's important to mark occasions with our friends and carry on having a life! I'd be pissed off if I was your best friend too.

don't let your friend, her sister and any of the commenters on here make you feel bad. your baby is still very young, you are recovering from a traumatic birth- you will be sleep deprived, emotional- you are still in the fourth trimester. you do whatever you feel comfortable with, to be honest a baby at a wedding is absolutely no fun for anyone, it is more hassle than its worth, you will be so stressed and exhausted from the car journey. some people take to new motherhood easier than others, so for some people taking a baby this young to a wedding is no big deal, but its totally ok if that's not you (wasn't me, that's for sure). hope you're doing ok, don't let the negative comments get you down. you're doing a great job x

The fact you felt uncomfortable about going is your peragotive surely .You have had a difficult birth and are a first time Mum! They both sound very childish and mean TBH.I would just look for some other friends who live nearer and are more understanding!

For some context, when my baby was 4 months old my husband and I drove 300 miles to go to the wedding of one of his work colleagues, who I've only met a handful of times.

It was absolutely fine.

Now I know that not everyone has the same postpartum experience and at 4 months postpartum one mother might be doing absolutely fine with an easy baby who has a decent sleeping and feeding routine, whereas another might be in the grip of postpartum depression, recovering from traumatic birth injuries and have a baby who only sleeps on her.

If you're in the latter camp and you really feel like you can't face going to a wedding, you tell your best friend, a month or so before the wedding, that you don't think you're going to be able to make the trip.

What you did was tell someone you describe as your best friend, i.e. not someone who doesn't really matter, when you were still pregnant, that you wouldn't be able to attend her wedding at 4 months postpartum.

She will have interpreted that as, "Once my baby is here, regardless of how easy or difficult I'm finding it, you can't expect me to make the slightest bit of effort for you, even for really important things such as your wedding."

She declined because of feeding and sleeping schedules, which is just daft - you don't know what kind of feeding/schedule you'll have at this point. I.e You may plan to breast feed but find bottle fed has been your preference.

So you've proved a point...no-one knows what feeding or sleeping schedules one is going to have with a baby, premature or not so therefore she was thinking of potential 'worse case' scenarios and making the Bride to be fully aware that she may not go at all. I don't see what's wrong with that.

OP I wonder whether you did have other reasons back in January, other than having a baby, in order to pre-empt a 'no-show' to your friends wedding but that said, it was your decision and you provided a compromise which clearly didn't satisfy batshit sister. She sounds nuts tbh.

Whilst your friend has probably been left feeling very upset that you aren't her MoH I wonder if she's realised what having a baby can do to you both mentally and physically? Does she have children and therefore know how it can be so hard to even get dressed on any given day, let alone you all getting dressed up to the 9s, schlepp 6 hours in a car with a prem baby for a very long, exhausting day?! I'm with you on this OP...you made a decision early on and if the Bride felt slighted by it, you'd like to think your friendship was strong enough to discuss the issue rather than her set her sister on you...TWICE!!

Sorry but I think Yabu not to have properly considered going. Your little one will be around 15/16 weeks old then? I travelled a 4 and a half hour trip to the in-laws with a colicky 12 week old (born three weeks early) and it honestly did me the world of good just getting out the house and in a different environment.

Her sister sounds like an absolute arse though.

If I was the bride I'd be upset with both of you- you for showing, from the minute youvwere pregnant, that you were not prepared to make any effort re the wedding, and the sister for being so rude and interfering and just making matters worse.

The bride must be totally fed up at this stage.

I'm with a fair few other posters. Sister is horrible and unreasonable but if I was your friend I would be incredibly hurt that you didn't come as a guest in the circumstances you've outlined.

I've been your friend in a different but not dissimilar situation and despite trying the friendship never really recovered to what it was before.

No way would I miss my best friend's wedding just becaI have a 3 month old baby. It's not like her wedding is abroad and you have to fly out for a week. It's just a day.

Just a day? With more than 10 hours' driving, and a first baby?

I agree with this.

I can understand not wanting to be MOH. Not attending your 'best' friend's wedding at all when the baby is 3 months old is quite hurtful.

From what you’ve said, you’re just not prepared to put yourself out for your friend. Which is fine as your priorities have changed now you have a baby, but don’t be surprised that she’s hurt.