Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.


Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.


I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.


Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".


Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.


I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.


This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

[Whataretheodds]

I'd block them both TBH, they sound despicable.

[NCFT0922]

Sorry but I don’t understand why you can’t go. Obviously, their behaviour is unacceptable but I think YABU.

[Whataretheodds]

I'm sorry the birth was so hard. If she's not a real friend (she hasn't behaved like one) then you're not missing out by declinign the wedding invitation.

[LadyDanburysHat]

Do not go to the wedding. This is not a best friend. If she was, she would be more understanding.

[MrsU2022]

What a horrible situation for you and disappointing that your friend isn't more understanding!

As for her sister - that's disgraceful behaviour.

I think you need to do what's right for you and not feel pressured either way. Make a decision your content with and stick with it. Only you know how you feel. X

[hashbrownsandwich]

I do think you are being a bit OTT and it's true for a lot of people having an 11 week old wouldn't be an issue.

I think unfortunately the damage has been done and you need to just write the friendship off and learn from it.

[Thisismynamenow]

Their both being shitty tbf, it's your choice not to go and they shouldn't hurl abuse at you, so they're being unreasonable.

Your also being unreasonable to assume your best friend wouldn't be upset your not going to her wedding. You must expect her to no longer be your friend after that.

However, to note, your baby can be in a car seat up to 2 hours after 3 months which your baby will be, so it wouldn't be a 8 hour trip. I'd of gone, in fact I'm doing a 6 hour (will be 8 hour) journey with my 4 month old Saturday from midlands to Cornwall so it's doable.

[Insideallday]

I wouldn’t go now based on her and her sisters reaction and I would tell her that. But I do think YABU by declining in the first place, you could have made more of an effort.

[HeythereDelilah101]

I don’t see why you declined going in the first place. I mean, fair enough you had a traumatic birth which you feel you haven’t yet recovered from, so if you had accepted and now decided actually things didn’t go to plan and you don’t feel comfortable travelling that far.. then I would say that’s reasonable. But you declined from the off, just because you were pregnant and baby would be 3 months old. So?? It’s your best friend. You could have made the effort. She probably feels like you didn’t even want to go in the first place.
ive taken my babies younger than that to weddings, infact it’s easier at that age as they tend to feed and sleep and just want cuddles.

[Skyla01]

YANBU. I can understand why your friend is a bit hurt and disappointed but she should be able to get over it. If she had been through a traumatic birth and had a newborn herself she would be more understanding (I presume she doesn't have kids herself?). Yes, lots of people travel round the world etc with new babies but not everyone feels comfortable with that.

Her sister is a tool. Maybe you can salvage the friendship at a later date. Don't feel pressured to go.

[Wouldloveanother]

They’re not handling it well but you’re also being a bit precious in my opinion. Providing you’ve healed adequately and there are no ongoing
medical issues with you or the baby, why can’t you go? It might actually do you some good to see your friends and get a change of scenery. Just book a nearby hotel room and let them know you’ll be turning in a bit early.

[Harridan1981]

I don't totally get why you declined in the first place tbh. Her sister sounds...tough...but if she was genuinely a best friend I don't see why you wouldn't want to go with a 3 month old.

Damage is done now though tbh

[forrestgreen]

You're being dramatic with the 7-8 hour trip. You could call it 6 hours if you stopped twice for a half hour each. Pick up baby, go for a walk to the loo, change, feed, walk back to car.

They behaved unreasonably in the way they've spoken but you've been dramatic about the situation.

[Beefilm]

I'm another who thinks you made too much of an issue about it in the first place, but given the treatment you hav3 had at her and her sister's hands, I wouldn't go now for anything. Sadly, some friendships, however dear they are to you, are not destined to last a lifetime.

[PurpleDaisies]

It’s pretty common for people to go to weddings with children as young as yours. I can see why she was disappointed you wouldn’t be there at all.

Her behaviour is friendship ending though.

[cranberrymilkshake]

Her sister was not nice and shouldn't have said those things.
But it feels like you never even tried to make it possible to go. You listed all the reasons why it wasn't possible.
In my opinion it's absolutely fine to travel with a 3 month old, actually much easier than with a 1 year old. I did lots of travelling (by plane and car) when my DCs were babies.
You just don't want to go, which is your decision I guess but not very nice for your best friend.

[bertieb7]

I also have no idea why you can't go and just bring the baby with you. I understand why you may not want to be MOH as that is quite time consuming and stressful but not why you can't go as a guest to celebrate your best friends wedding...

[starbaby858]

Sorry but I don’t understand why you can’t go. Obviously, their behaviour is unacceptable but I think YABU.

I’m another who doesn’t understand the initial decline to the invitation? Yes you would have had a baby but if she was really your best friend then surely you could have made an effort? It’s not like your due date was the same day as her wedding.

The sister has been rude but I also agree that the damage has already been done

[starbaby858]

You just don't want to go, which is your decision I guess but not very nice for your best friend.

This

[Catch21]

Like other posters, I feel it would be possible to go if you really wanted to (I went to two weddings when DD was under 3 months!). There was no need for her sister to be so horrible though.

[latetothefisting]

Hmm realistically most people would try their best to be at a best friend's wedding - MN in general is very anti friends and weddings so some comments might not support this but yes generally if you are saying this woman is your closest friend in the world and this is one of the most important days in your life I would try and be there if at all possible. She's accepted you're not MOH, has given you ages to decide either way if you're coming or not (bear in mind if you don't come she will probably lose at least 80quid ), given you the option of coming with or without the baby...

You say it turns a 5 hour drive into an 8 hour one but surely you would stop at least once anyway, it's not safe to drive 5 hours without stopping. A pp has said the baby will be old enough to be in a car seat for longer by that time so you should be able to do 2.5 hrs, break, another 2.5, no need to stop every 1.5hrs! Or you could take a train? Although personally I would have always tried to go without the baby if possible, even if that meant flying or something so you'd only be apart for a day?

Basically I agree its not very convenient for you and also agree the sister is an absolute twat. If this was just the wedding of a random friend or work colleague I'd have said no straight away but for family and closest friends I think there is generally an expectation to try and make an effort to get there when even if it is inconvenient/expensive etc.

[Anothernamechangeplease]

I think the truth is that this friendship has clearly run its course.

You clearly don't care about your friend enough to want to make a reasonable effort to attend her wedding.

She clearly doesn't care enough about you to make allowances for the fact that you have just had a baby.

The sister sounds batshit.

I think it's too hard to row back from this now. I would not bother attending, but send a nice card and gift. And then just accept that, sadly, you are no longer the "best friends" that you once thought you were. Whether you will be able to maintain a more casual friendship from hereon in, only time will tell.

[BradPittsLeftTit]

I agree with others that declining while pregnant and knowing your baby would be three months old is a bit OTT and as your best friend I would have been quite hurt

BUT her behaviour since has meant I would back away from the friendship

If it was my best friend I don't think I would have declined so early and I would have made a real effort to go. And I say that as someone who also had a very traumatic first birth and recovery.

[RoutineLow]

They sound absolutely awful. They aren't your friends and aren't at all concerned for your welfare. Honestly I'd block and forget them.

From experience, when you've had a traumatic birth and are having a hard time in the early days of motherhood, it is very easy for extra stresses and issues to tip you over into PND and anxiety. I had some unpleasant family stuff going on around the time that my first baby arrived after a difficult pregnancy and birth, and everything got on top of me. It took years to recover. I just wasn't able to deal with all the extra crap on top of my own stuff and my MH was fucked. I was at points suicidal.

So my advice would be to remove this extra stress for the sake of you and your baby. Ghost the fuckers. See it as a gift to your child. And then concentrate on getting better and recovering.

I will add, because you're bound to get loads of people saying this, that yes I can understand your friend's initial frustration that you instantly decided you couldn't go to the wedding when you were only a few months pregnant. A 5 hour journey with a 3 month old is do-able if you break it up, especially for your best friend. However that's assuming you're not dealing with anxiety, which can make the idea of a 5 hour car journey with a baby feel as daunting as climbing Everest. And if you're not anxious and were just being a bit PFB, well lots of people are. Your "friend" and her awful sister would have been kinder in how they approached it if they were decent people. Also telling a pregnant woman that she needs to prioritise "squeezing into a bridesmaid dress" at 3 months postpartum is despicable. I think they've shown their true colours and you're better off without them.

[11GrumpsaGrumping]

Frankly I think you're being ridiculous- and were ridiculous to decline in the first place. I'd be upset too and even though I wouldn't unleash my sister on you (if I had one), I also don't think you've behaved as much of a friend.

I had an EMCS at 33 weeks and a child in NICU for a month. Still managed to get from London to Dorset and back a few times, and to Canada at 5 months!

Her sister is right, people have babies all the time and just crack on with life...