Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.


Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.


I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.


Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".


Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.


I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.


This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

[Nowyouwillfeel]

Thank you @cultkid and @Wouldloveanother i am trying not to worry about how I look as I didn’t want to pressure myself to lose weight with the baby so young so my compromise was go, but go as I am! You are both very kind! ❤️

[NiceCupOfTea2]

Your baby will be over 12 weeks old, unless you still can't walk you could go if you wanted to. Even with a terrible birth with horrific injuries I could have gone to a wedding at 12 weeks. I went to a big birthday weekend with a 5 day old baby (different baby to the awful birth), very similar setup to a wedding at a country hotel 4 hours away. It depends whether you want to go, it does sound like you just don't want to go, which is of course fine.

[June628]

Please don’t waste any more head space on these people. Block them from your life and enjoy your new baby. There is no way I would have travelled 5 hours with an 11 week old, or left them!
they both sound like horrible bullies!

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

@NCFT0922

Sorry but I don’t understand why you can’t go. Obviously, their behaviour is unacceptable but I think YABU.

Proof-positive that Mumsnet wedding threads are weapons-grade bonkers.

[Icouldtellyou]

I climbed Mount Everest in flip flops while breastfeeding my 1 week old 5 months premature triplets so I can't see your problem. Meanwhile in the real world people are all different and can or can't face different experiences. And that's okay. You gave her plenty of warning and if she was a decent friend she'd have accepted that (regardless of being disappointed) and told you that if you changed your mind about attending as a guest nearer the date you could. But instead she lets her sister be abusive. At that point it was never going to end well. She's allowed to be disappointed but equally you're allowed to find the thought of attending too much. If she'd accepted it in the first place you might have been feeling up to it by now but after their reactions you've got more negative emotions attached to it, not less.
I wouldn't go now. You'll feel forced into it, she'll feel you don't want to be there, her sister will no doubt use it as an opportunity to make lots more snide comments. Life's too short.

[Luckynumbereight]

You are not being unreasonable, OP. Do not go to this wedding - you won’t be made to feel welcome now and end up having a miserable day.

The ship has already sailed on this one.

[greenhousegal]

Make your own decision whether that's because you don't want to go, can't be bothered, or other reason. Stick to it.

If someone treated me like they did because I politely declined due to my circumstances I would definitely not go. Not worth the friendship if they are that self absorbed. Normal people would have indicated that they are disappointed you can't be there, but totally understand. That's normal, letting people make their own decisions and not be bullied into anything.

I decline ALL weddings apart from immediate family now, so I treat everyone outside the family the same. Plus I detest weddings and the drama, the travel, the expense and the formulaic nature of them all, including the family ones!

[Franca123]

I think they're putting you in a horrible position. You put you and the baby first. You decide what is best for your family. I actually did travel further than that with a baby under 3 months. However, everyone was absolutely stunned that we did it. He was the easiest baby and I had an easy birth. If I were the bride, I'd accept your decision without question.

[phishy]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Sounds like you were miffed that she announced her engagement 2 days after your baby announcement.

You all sound pretty childish.

[PeekabooAtTheZoo]

Going against the tide, I think YANBU, its a wedding and you’re clearly still not over the birth, you have a preemie and its that time of year when colds are going to be everywhere. Before you’d had a baby, how were you to know what you could do 3 months post birth? I think your instincts were right when you said you probably couldn’t go in the first place.

Just because other people dump babies in inappropriate car seats for hours to go to weddings or the moon or whatever doesn’t mean that’s suitable in your situation.

I had a lie flat seat for long trips and did long jouneys with my first but the lie flats are expensive and you need the right type of car and my baby wasn’t premature.

If she didn’t keep sending her sister in as a flying monkey since early on, I’d think differently but as it is, she isn’t showing any concern or empathy for you.

Has the friendship always been a bit one sided and you’re only just noticing maybe? You are right to have strong boundaries and to want to prioritise your child.

We live in a very odd society that the feelings of a bridezilla with a very nasty streak are apparently more important than the wellbeing of a new mum and baby.

[SleeplessInEngland]

Whether or not you'd be physically up to it the sister's behavioru is a deal breaker. If the friend enquires further I'd simply show screenshots of what the sister said and leave it at that. Obviously the friendship is over.

[bookworm1982]

@penguin23

Here we go, lets all pile on the OP, don't you know you should have travelled to the moon with your newborn by now, so a wedding 5 hours away should be nothing! Look at all these other super mums going to Amsterdam and Canada! FFS! I despair, childbirth and motherhood really are a competition to some people!

I get it OP, when I had my daughter it totally changed me, I had anxiety and PND, even a short trip in the car felt like a massive challenge. People didn't get it, I had people telling me I should be doing this and that and going to XYZ and I was letting people down. Just what a new mum needs to hear!

I think it was reasonable to assume you wouldn't be able to go to the wedding when your "friend" announced her engagement. It's not hard to think there could be a chance it would be quite difficult as you wouldn't know how the birth/feeding etc would go, so you decided against being MOH then rather than agree and pull out nearer the wedding. They're not nice people, maybe your friend isn't who you thought she was. Just do what's best for you and your baby, real friends and reasonable people would understand that.

She didn't know she would have anxiety or PND when she declined the invite early in the pregnancy, though, did she? That's what the other posters are pointing out. She declined because of feeding and sleeping schedules, which is just daft - you don't know what kind of feeding/schedule you'll have at this point. I.e You may plan to breast feed but find bottle fed has been your preference.

The fact is - and you know this as well as everyone else who's posted I here - if she wanted to go, she could do it. (Clearly not now though)

[penguin23]

@Wouldloveanother

But that’s exactly why OP should go. What’s she going to do, stay at home forever? Sometimes you just have to take the plunge and do something. And you’ll feel better for it afterwards. I wouldn’t have gone to Australia, granted, but I stayed overnight with relatives a few hours away when DD was 7 weeks old.

I didn't stay at home forever, I started going places and got better, but in my own time and at my own pace when I felt ready, not being pressured by anyone else. If OP doesn't feel able to go comfortably to this wedding then she shouldn't feel pressured to. She'll take the plunge when she's good and ready. If the friend had been understanding about it then OP may have got to a place where she felt able to be a guest at the wedding, but she's not exactly going to feel welcome going now is she?

[pollykitty]

All the responses on here saying 'I flew around the world with my 2-day old baby after an incredibly difficult 60 hour birth' are ridiculous. This isn't a competition. The OP doesn't want to travel with a baby. Whether or not that's doable doesn't matter. SHE doesn't want to go. Weddings are big life events and it's a shame for to miss them, but that's how it goes. BF and her sister need to get over it and stop being jerks. I will never understand others bullying someone into doing what they want. Let's say the OP goes to the wedding with her baby and husband.... is that going to be a fun time? No, it just breeds resentment and bitterness. Stand by your decision. You don't have to justify your feelings to anyone. Saying, I'm sorry, but I cannot make it, should be good enough.

[Rosehugger]

YANBU, but mainly because of their attitude to you - I'd not go to anything where someone had behaved like that towards you.

Going to a wedding with a three month old is doable though, it might be a different experience, leaving the reception early and not drinking but it's manageable. I've been when DD1 was 8 weeks and to another when DD2 was two weeks old.

But I wouldn't go now that they have been so rude.

[Overthebow]

I don’t really understand they you can’t go. A long car journey isn’t really a problem with an almost 4 month baby, just plan stops and take it slow.

[ClocksGoingBackwards]

You could go if you wanted to. It would be an effort, but you either think your best friends wedding is worth the effort or you dont. If you don’t, you can’t be surprised that she’s upset.

[Bpdqueen]

Deep down are you annoyed with her for announcing her engagement only 2 days after your pregnancy announcement and feel like she stole your thunder because I really can't see why you can't got to a wedding 3 months after giving birth.

[SunshineClouds1]

I get why you were hesitant about it all tbh, having a new born and getting settled into your life takes time, well it did for me anyway.

I think you done the right thing saying from the off you weren't sure etc.
the attitude of the bride and sister is disgusting. I personally wouldn't go after this.

[Beautiful3]

They don't sound like nice people. Having a traumatic birth, and dealing with a newborn is hardwork. I would have declined a wedding too. In fact I did decline a close friend's big 40th birthday party, because I had a baby 4 week prior. She expressed her disappointment, and we've never met up since. Go to baby clubs, and make new mummy friends. They'll be the kind of friends you need.

[Yesthatismychildsigh]

I don’t understand why you can’t go, to be honest. BUT frankly she’s no friend to you. She wouldn’t be letting her complete shit of a sister be bullying you like this if she was. I’d be dropping contact with the pair of them.

[FlissyPaps]

Sorry OP but I think your were being unreasonable to decline.

A wedding is a one off event. & would be very important to your friend. I wouldn’t miss a best friends wedding unless I was gravely ill or in hospital.

The world doesn’t stop because you have a baby. When people become parents they make suitable arrangements to accommodate their babies/children in future events/holidays/situations. It may be hard work to travel with a young baby and attend a wedding but it’s not impossible. Your friend wanted you there. You would have been an important part to her. So I get why your friend was hurt when you declined.

It was wrong of them to abuse you, I can totally understand how you would feel after receiving awful messages - so with that, I would let the friendship go.

It’s a very sad situation. But you’ve chosen to decline, accept the repercussions and make new friends with similar expectations to yourself.

[OriginalUsername2]

I’m not sure. I can see why your friend is upset that you don’t have a “wouldn’t miss it for the world!!” attitude about her wedding if you’ve been besties a long time. She might have always imagined you there.

Depending on if they’ve insulted you on not, they might be hurt and she’s sticking up for her sister.

But I can also see that when you have your first baby, it can take up all your energy and focus and you can feel like you’re in a dream!

[CantstandCoriander]

I have to agree with others, that declining from the beginning was unnecessary - I say this as someone who also had a traumatic birth/getting to grips with breastfeeding and was a bridesmaid 4 weeks later- 3 months is a fine age for a wedding as all they do is sleep and feed.

However the way you have been treated is awful. The bride obviously feels hurt and let down, which I can understand, but her actions and her sisters are disgraceful. I I'm not sure your friendship will be salvageable after this OP. I'd maybe write a final message to her, outlining how you're feeling as a new mum and why you made the decision, then put some distance between you.

[SleeplessInEngland]

Even if she could have gone why would she want to go now with that dickhead of a sister there? Not worth it even for a best friend.