Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

Maybe your friend is struggling to accept that she has dropped down in your list of priorities. It’s natural to want to be at home looking after your baby. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that. No way would I leave my four month old baby at home whilst I was at a wedding several hours drive away. Even if you do go, you will resent being there and your friend will resent that you are only there begrudgingly. I agree that this is probably the end of your friendship though.

YABU - I took my pfb away on holiday with a flight at 4 months after a horrendous forceps birth. your best friend's wedding in the same country? I would never have dreamed of saying no as would have been optimistic about having a handle on motherhood at 4 months. But now they've been awful to you, they're the ones BU but emotions run high around weddings. Either way, I doubt your friendship will recover.

@sundayvibeswig22 literally in your last post you were whinging that I hadn’t considered your financial or fertility situation. Literally your last post. So you were asking for empathy - for me to consider your circumstances, whilst for some reason you won’t with the OP - it’s right there, you typed it.

I’m glad you had a nice holiday. Again with the humblebrag.

This is very OT - but you can get a cohabitation agreement done. Google it, or rights unmarried vs married.

It’s things like death benefits, right to remain in the house (even impacts if you are a council tenant), rights to receive a portion of each other’s state pension etc etc.

I’m sure you can read up on it yourself.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine

I seriously thought you were going to say 3 weeks!

the sister sounds unhinged but I would have been pretty pissed off if my best friend had said they didn’t even want to try and make it. The world absolutely doesn’t stop just because you have a baby.

(written by someone who took a breastfed 3 month old to a wedding 4 hours away).

@Tinytinseltown
You made assumptions about my financial situation and I was giving you the information. No empathy wanted or needed thanks.

OP, I disagree with most of the posters here saying that they don't see why you can't go. I have 2 young children, I would not have felt comfortable travelling that kind of distance when my first was 3 months old. I totally understand where you are coming from and you have to prioritise your baby and your family and do what is best for them. When my 2nd was born, in January 2022, we attended a wedding abroad when he was 4 months old and although I was comfortable doing this the 2nd time round, it was hard work and I would definitely not like to do it again. If your so called best friend is acting so selfishly, I'd be inclined to say you aren't going and see what happens there after. Wish you all the best

Just tell her that on consideration you aren't up to it, and don't go. They both sound vile tbh.

Don't get on the path of people-pleasing. She'll be just as married the next day whether or not you are in the audience.

You're not still getting into a feeding routine at 3 months old. You're being precious and a bad friend

As wedding threads go on MN, this one's even more batshit than usual.

Has somebody put something in the water?

Surely if you are getting married the most important person you need there is your husband (or wife) to be ... no one has time to really chat or spend time with their guests more than a 'quick hello, lovely to see you' if you are lucky. So much bridezilla nonsense on this thread.

It's an invitation... just politely decline.

@sundayvibeswig22 you were giving me this information because you wanted me to consider your specific circumstances, thus wanted empathy. You are a hypocrite given your ‘advice’ to the OP and failure (and ongoing refusal) to empathise with her.

It appears you only came onto this thread to shit on someone who is having a worse time than you, and I refuse to let you get away with it.

@monicagellerbing Whilst you’re being presumptuous and a bad person. Fuck off.

Some new Mums tend to fall into a bit of a baby bubble and make things harder than they need to be.

Some brides tend to think their wedding is important to more people than it actually is and make unreasonable demands.

You have both been a bit unreasonable here BUT the behaviour of the sister is what has turned this nasty.

I'd turn the invite down for good now and make it clear that her sister had sealed the deal.

I sympathise with you OP. I felt a lot of pressure to attend my best friends wedding with a 6 week old and my 20 month old.
In the end I decided to attend as I knew our friendship wouldn't be the same and I actually felt like it would change our friendship dynamic.
My 6 week old was exclusively breastfed so I felt the strain running back and forth to feed her on demand. Her wedding function was at a hotel an hours drive from home. Luckily we had a hotel room on the same floor as her wedding reception which completely took the pressure off as each time she cried for a feed I could whisk her off to the hotel room which was a 2 minute walk! It also meant I could put my toddler down for his nap which was very much needed at the time.
If it wasn't for the hotel room I don't think we would have managed as well. It gave me the chance to feed, change and rest in peace.

Wow, this comment is just horrible. Ignore OP. Children & family come above friends.

I think you need to be honest and tell the truth. You just don't want to go to the wedding and using the pregnancy/baby thing was just an excuse to not go.

3 month old babies settle anyway and you could have gone. Your mate clearly wants you at her wedding.

I had an horrific emergency csec and my mum passed away straight after I gave birth, unfortunately the world doesn't stop turning although I appreciate it feels like it has when you have a baby. You're in a bubble but I wouldn't miss my best friends wedding because if it.
My best friend was a bridesmaid when her baby was 2 weeks old and they wouldn't let her baby attend, pretty harsh (she was breastfeeding!) But she got by for a day.

However your friend and her sis seem pretty nasty.

I was bridesmaid for one of my best friends 3 weeks after having my second baby. The wedding was at the other end of the country (we got the train). I know first and second babies are different but even with the first I wouldn't have said no straight away (actually, thinking about it, I took my first to the Olympics when he was 3 months old). So I think your initial position was unreasonable but clearly they've responded by being unreasonable since.

Seriously?

Their behaviour is disgraceful. The friendship is fucked. I'd block them all

Have a baby is a big deal but so is getting married.
Her sister is correct in saying that the world doesn't stop because we have babies. It doesn't sound like she delivered that message in the best way!
Have you done anything special for your friend?
No way in million years would I miss my best friends wedding (if she asked me to be maid of honour) and if I couldn't make it because I was unwell or had just given birth I would make a massive fuss to make up for the fact I couldn't be there!
Friendships are a big deal for me, they are the family you choose (I do love my family too) and just because I had a baby doesn't mean my needs are greater than others.
Tbh I loved the weddings I attended with my daughter at 6 weeks (I was bridesmaid for sis in law! And missed her hen do as baby had to come early due to health issues with her) and at 9 weeks for my aunties wedding (we stayed over 2 nights and took what we felt like the whole house with us). Everyone was admiring baby and she was honorary flower girl!
Attending a wedding with a toddler is a different ball game! Haha!
I think the friendship is over, it would be a dealbreaker for me if my BEST friend wasn't bothered about me getting married.

My best friend was a bridesmaid when her baby was 2 weeks old and they wouldn't let her baby attend, pretty harsh (she was breastfeeding!) But she got by for a day

Jesus wept. How? And how did the newborn "get by for a day"?

@CoreyTaylorsbiggestfan The friend announced her engagement after knowing OP was pregnant, and deliberately set the wedding 9 months from there. And even said she thinks OP can "squeeze into a dress".

So she knew what she was doing. Her 'friend' deliberately planned it this way, knowing OP would be 9 months.

So how is OP the bad guy? Yes I think the friendship is over, because I wouldn't stay with a friend who deliberately chose, out of all the dates, months, years in life, a date that was basically 9 months away. What type of 'best friend' does that, and then pressures OP, knowing she would be either 9 months and huge and uncomfortable, or breastfeeding and still bleeding and recovering, to 'squeeze into a dress'?

Her friend showed no ability to plan and no sensitivity to the OP, so why should the OP show sensitivity to her? I would not stay friends with such a selfish and thoughtless person like that. OP is better off wiping her. Friendship is important to me, too, and no best friend would be as scheming, selfish and thoughtless as the OP's friend.

Yep, they didn't handle the situation well, but you are also being a bit precious.