Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining to go to my best friends wedding

440 replies

Newmumma88 · 08/09/2022 11:16

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

OP posts:
HappyKoala56 · 09/09/2022 06:25

I think you were unreasonable to decline in the first place. A 3 month old is not the same as a 3 day old or a 3 week old, you absolutely could have made more effort to go. And she isn't wrong, the only reason you have agreed to go is because you've been guilted into it.

ebri91 · 09/09/2022 06:40

Cas112 · 08/09/2022 16:00

I don't get why you can't go. I'm planning on going my best friends wedding when my baby is 3/4weeks old cause I wouldn't miss it for the world. I declined being a bridesmaid cause that would be to much pressure so close to having a baby but I can still go and watch. I'm just taking the baby with me

first time mum by any chance?

mummyh2016 · 09/09/2022 07:22

@CatsandFish The friend didn't plan the wedding for around the same time the baby was due though which is what you're insinuating. Baby is 3 months old - people keep mentioning this premature birth which might be where the confusion comes from. Baby arrived 3 weeks early which is classed as at term.

user1496146479 · 09/09/2022 07:26

Their behaviour is completely unacceptable. But the do think you have been OTT and a bit precious about this wedding from the start.

Bsby at that age is very portable.
If you don't want to go, just saw so, own it & don't use the baby as an excuse

CecilyP · 09/09/2022 07:31

Doubt if OP will want to go now, baby or no baby! Surely, after all that’s been said, the best friend is an ex friend. They’ve shown their true colours. I’d never speak to her or her horrible sister ever again.

CoreyTaylorsbiggestfan · 09/09/2022 08:46

@CatsandFish the friend planned the wedding 3 months after birth and baby came 3 weeks early. Therefore baby is nearly 4 months by the time the wedding is here.

Nowyouwillfeel · 09/09/2022 08:53

@CatsandFish sbe planned her wedding for a year after her engagement which is pretty standard. Are you implying she should have postponed her wedding and likely her own plans to ttc until it suited the op? Who knows when that would be if op won’t go with a 4 month old.

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/09/2022 08:54

Essentially

nasty “best friend”
nasty sister
and….

an Op who clearly never really fancied going to the wedding for some reason

MajorCarolDanvers · 09/09/2022 08:57

I think you were OTT in the first place. You could go. The world doesn't need to stop turning cause you've had a baby.

But the sister is a total bullying bitch and I'd now rethink the whole friendship.

Adversity · 09/09/2022 09:00

I have been to two weddings where the brides have their own babies of about that age.

They have behaved badly but your level of anxiety is extreme.

buckeejit · 09/09/2022 09:00

Congratulations on your baby!

It would take a lot to make me miss my best friends wedding tbh.

Could you go early, split the drive for a couple of rests/feeds & maybe stay over? I know how stressful it is having a newborn so totally understand not wanting to be MOH but if it's your best friend I would try my utmost to be there, even if it means dh having to wait outside the service with baby, or leaving early etc. Showing up for people we love is important.

Good luck

JubileeTrifle · 09/09/2022 09:00

I had to go to in-laws when DD was 3 weeks old (which I am still pissed about) and that was 5 hours away. It took much longer and I was still in a lot of pain and suffering an infection. (DH has since apologised).
3 months though was fine and I would do that. I’d be annoyed if baby wasn’t invited but if it is then that’s okay. I’d do the day and possibly go early. Show your face. Although their behaviour has been ridiculous.

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/09/2022 09:03

JubileeTrifle · 09/09/2022 09:00

I had to go to in-laws when DD was 3 weeks old (which I am still pissed about) and that was 5 hours away. It took much longer and I was still in a lot of pain and suffering an infection. (DH has since apologised).
3 months though was fine and I would do that. I’d be annoyed if baby wasn’t invited but if it is then that’s okay. I’d do the day and possibly go early. Show your face. Although their behaviour has been ridiculous.

Out of interest - why did you “have” to?

your argument could have been that babies that age should not be in car seats for more than 45 minutes at a time without a break

Doingprettywellthanks · 09/09/2022 09:05

buckeejit · 09/09/2022 09:00

Congratulations on your baby!

It would take a lot to make me miss my best friends wedding tbh.

Could you go early, split the drive for a couple of rests/feeds & maybe stay over? I know how stressful it is having a newborn so totally understand not wanting to be MOH but if it's your best friend I would try my utmost to be there, even if it means dh having to wait outside the service with baby, or leaving early etc. Showing up for people we love is important.

Good luck

Presume you haven’t read the thread.

there’s no “love” in this scenario.

OP didn’t fancy going to her “best” friends wedding and used her 3/4 month old as an excuse

“best friend” and sister have behaved appallingly

this is not a “best” friendship in any way other than in mumsnet land

ittakes2 · 09/09/2022 09:13

I would have planned my wedding around when my best friend could make it if I really wanted her there (and I would) sorry she sounds horrid - my s’n’law flew from Australia to Canada when my niece was 6 wks old. People are different but you have a right to do you

NoYouSirName · 09/09/2022 09:57

I think your behaviour is friendship ending and so is hers.

DS was two weeks old when one of my best friends got married four hours away. We attended.

I was a bridesmaid when dd3 was six weeks old and carried breastfed dd down the aisle with me. Even took her, and two others under five camping for the hen do. Tiny babies are more portable and easy to travel with than toddlers.

Took four week old dd (a different baby) on a plane for a family event. I think you’re being precious and ridiculous and the friendship can’t mean that much to you, but also think your friend and her sister are behaving outrageously. It sounds to me like none of you were very good friends in the first place.

Starpeople · 09/09/2022 10:09

"DS was two weeks old when one of my best friends got married four hours away. We attended.'
"I was a bridesmaid when dd3 was six weeks old and carried breastfed dd down the aisle with me. Even took her, and two others under five camping for the hen do. Tiny babies are more portable and easy to travel with than toddlers..."

It really isn't a competition. YOUR tny baby was easy, not every bodies is. YOU were capable to do all of those things, not everybody is. We are not all exactly the same, and thank goodness for that! The only thing ridiculous is the ignorance of your post.

housemaus · 09/09/2022 10:18

Her sister has been awful, but I think YABU for declining when you'll have a 3 month old.

Obviously if, closer to the time, you'd not felt up to it due to birth injury/recovery, PND, etc, that would have been sad, but most people I know were living relatively normally 3 months post-birth (albeit obviously governed by having a little baby, of course! But not still in enough of a bubble to miss their best friend's wedding day).

So I think you were being unreasonable and I can see why she was upset. If I were you I'd have said, of course I'll be there, I might have to rejig some arrangements a bit depending on the baby (leaving early/arrangements for feeding/whatever). But I think declining is a little odd.

ddl1 · 09/09/2022 12:42

I don't think people should feel duty bound to attend a celebration, whether a wedding or any other sort. It's great if you can, but it shouldn't be treated as a duty or a test of one's friendship. It might be different if it was a matter of coming to support a friend at a funeral, or to visit them in hospital, or help them with a difficult task. But when it's a celebration, and people make a fuss about who attends, and how good or bad people's excuses are, it often comes across as more about wanting to be honoured than needing to be supported.

And calling someone a 'bad best friend' sounds more like something you might do in Year 7, than when old enough to get married.

Nicolethemom · 09/09/2022 17:24

I’m sorry you have people in your life who can’t see past the end of their nose. Being a maid of honor is work it takes a certain amount of effort and time. Being honest in saying you don’t know that you will be up to it is perfectly acceptable.

Her sister should understand that the whole world doesn’t stop and revolve around a bride. Just because her sister is getting married that doesn’t mean people need to partake in being part of it. Not 1 person HAS to accept the invitation to a wedding. You can invite whomever you choose but they are not required to accept the invitation.

Maybe it’s best to leave them both in the past. Real friends can understand both sides of a situation, I can understand her being disappointed but there’s no need to be nasty to you.

babyjellyfish · 09/09/2022 20:37

Being a maid of honor is work it takes a certain amount of effort and time.

So? She could have just gone as a guest.

Instead she told her best friend she wouldn't go to her wedding at all when it was planned for several months after her due date and people go to weddings with 3 month old babies all the time.

If our best friends aren't worth our time and effort, they're not our best friends.

Angelinflipflops · 09/09/2022 20:39

There's not much work involved in being a maid of honour

BabyDreamers · 09/09/2022 20:41

You are actually being unreasonable op the sister is right. I was back helpinv out at work when mine was 3 months old, though I know we are all different. Sounds like you are just making excuses though and should put some effort in to it.

NoYouSirName · 09/09/2022 20:46

YOUR tny baby was easy, not every bodies is.

I didn’t say they were easy. Just easier than older ones! All I’m saying is… op is really unreasonable and I stand by that opinion.

Heyisforhorses · 09/09/2022 20:48

Am I the only one who thinks there's more has gone on for the sister to comment as she did? I think YABU not going to the wedding. You state your BF isntthere at a time you need her most, do you not think she needs you?