Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.


Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.


I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.


Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".


Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.


I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.


This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

[2022newnamenewme]

@Starpeople The op declined the wedding when she was only a few months pregnant, when it was scheduled to be when her baby was a few months old. That really is quite self centred.

I’ve honestly never heard of anyone in real life missing their supposed best friends wedding because they had a baby 3 plus months ago.

[ddl1]

@Christmasiscominghohoho

She’s not making a baby though. She’s already done that

She's caring for said baby; and that does trump - not a marriage but being a wedding guest.

I suspect that the friend resents the fact that the OP's baby is now, and will be for a while, more important to the OP than the friend is. Which is exactly how things should be!

In any case, the friend has been unpleasant right from the beginning. 'said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October'- sounds like she's more interested in the optics than anything else! And where is the groom in all this? The bride's marrying him, not her sister!

[2022newnamenewme]

@ddl1 Did the friend really say to her newly pregnant friend (having just got engaged and not having bought any BM dresses) - you just make sure you’re back to a size 10 by my as yet tbc date wedding?

Very much doubt it. The OP is full of projection.

[Robinni]

@Picklypickles

Protected from what? It's me who has no interest in a wedding not him!

So that you and your children are protected financially in the event something happens to him or the relationship breaks down.

Things have got a lot better for unmarried couples. But the rights are still not on a par unfortunately.

[ICanHideButICantRun]

@NCFT0922

Sorry but I don’t understand why you can’t go. Obviously, their behaviour is unacceptable but I think YABU.

What? She has a tiny baby she'd have to leave at home.

[Magnanimouse]

Her sister is being completely unreasonable and out of order by getting involved. Her actions aren't acceptable. Her motive to get involved, is almost certainly because of how upset her sister the bride is that you won't be there. She really values your friendship. So yes, you were unreasonable not to attend.

[Picklypickles]

@Robinni

So that you and your children are protected financially in the event something happens to him or the relationship breaks down.

Things have got a lot better for unmarried couples. But the rights are still not on a par unfortunately.

He's on disability benefits, he hasn't got any money for me to be concerned about!

[Tinytinseltown]

@sundayvibeswig22

@NicolaSixSix
Seriously, why so dramatic! At 4 months she literally breastfed, slept in basinet and then was cuddled. It wasn't a 24 hour flight either- we had a 2 day stop off in kuala lumpar then had 11 days in Oz. Best holiday we've ever had.

@sundayvibeswig22 oh yes, that famously short hall flight to Malaysia, and then another long flight to Oz, and then back again.

Weird time to humblebrag, when you’re telling a woman - the OP - who’s clearly having a hard time post birth how wonderful everything is for you.

Sooo happy for you you’ve got the money and time and support to drag your baby across the world for an entirely unnecessary trip. Maybe try thinking about how other people are feeling and apply that to the situation we’re discussing, rather than looking at the world through your own Bollinger soaked glasses.

[Newnamenewmee]

@Tinytinseltown the OP declined months before she gave birth, having no idea how she’d feel post birth.

She never had any intention of going no matter how it went.

[Tinytinseltown]

@2022newnamenewme

@Starpeople The op declined the wedding when she was only a few months pregnant, when it was scheduled to be when her baby was a few months old. That really is quite self centred.

I’ve honestly never heard of anyone in real life missing their supposed best friends wedding because they had a baby 3 plus months ago.

@2022newnamenewme if you can’t have your wedding simply because one person isn’t coming then you have much bigger problems.

Either your wedding is about celebrating your commitment to your partner and you would do it to an empty room if needs be, because you love them them much, or it’s a matter of peacocking and you really shouldn’t get married in the first place.

OP’s friend is in the latter category, likely because she’s in a miserable and loveless relationship. I can only assume everyone in the ‘I don’t understand why she didn’t make the “effort” to go’ is in the same camp.

[NicolaSixSix]

@Newnamenewmee

@Tinytinseltown the OP declined months before she gave birth, having no idea how she’d feel post birth.

She never had any intention of going no matter how it went.

@Newnamenewmee are you a mind reader?

[Newnamenewmee]

@NicolaSixSix declining an invitation generally means you don’t intend to go?

So I don’t really need to read her mind.

[Newnamenewmee]

@Tinytinseltown assuming she’s likely in a loveless and miserable relationship because she wanted her best friend to attend her wedding is ridiculous.

You don’t know this person. You know a few paragraphs of the OPs perspective. Get a grip.

[lamaze1]

Congratulations on your baby. She isn't your friend. Don't go.

[NicolaSixSix]

@Newnamenewmee you just like to twist what others say and/or pretend you don’t understand what they mean. Enjoy your 5th g&t. Bye bye

[sundayvibeswig22]

@Tinytinseltown hardly a humble brag. most trips are unnecessary with or without baby.. Are people with babies not allowed to go on holiday? You don't know anything about my financial situation and we actually saved for this holiday of a lifetime for 3 years when we knew about the wedding. After years of infertility we had a lovely surprise baby so we took her with us.

[caz198917]

@NCFT0922

Sorry but I don’t understand why you can’t go. Obviously, their behaviour is unacceptable but I think YABU.

I agree! My baby was 11 weeks old when I was bridesmaid for my friend. Which included an overnight stay the night before and day of wedding. She is your best friend. I would be heartbroken if my bestie didn't attend

[Tinytinseltown]

@sundayvibeswig22

@Tinytinseltown hardly a humble brag. most trips are unnecessary with or without baby.. Are people with babies not allowed to go on holiday? You don't know anything about my financial situation and we actually saved for this holiday of a lifetime for 3 years when we knew about the wedding. After years of infertility we had a lovely surprise baby so we took her with us.

@sundayvibeswig22 so you’re expecting empathy for your situation when giving none to OP.

Weird hill to die on.

[Newnamenewmee]

@NicolaSixSix are you ok?

you are the one calling people you don’t know bad mothers. It’s actually really not normal to behave like that on an internet thread just because someone disagrees with you.

[123ROLO]

I mean you don't have to go

But id be disappointed if my best friend didn't go for that reason

I've recently been to two weddings. One lady travelled from london to york with a 8 week year old, the other wedding there were two guests with babies only a couple of months old who left the babies with their dad's, prepped milk in advance, drove 3 hours. They only stayed for a few hours but they came and were glad to come!

So it's doable, it's not convenient to go, but unless you have no childcare it is doable.

[sundayvibeswig22]

@Tinytinseltown where did I say I wanted empathy? We had a great time. Totally recommend going away with a 4month old. Much easier than a 1,2 or 3 year old.

[Mary46]

Op I see it from your point too. My daughter was 6 when I was bridesmaid. Its alot hassle for you with a small baby. I wouldnt be bullied by the sister though.

[Starpeople]

"Loads of weird self-satisfied comments by extremely low-empathy posters here. You are well within your rights to decline to go for a wedding for any reason you want to. Pregnancy and childbirth are intimidating, and different for everyone. Your friend and her sister have behaved like twats. I would never in a million years treat a friend like that for not coming to my wedding, and if anyone treated me that way I would no longer want to be their friend. You concentrate on your baby, and on building new friendships with kinder more mature people."

Exactly this ^ sums the whole thread up nicely.

[hiyaqwerty]

Op Yanbu! I completely get you, every pregnancy is different! I had a baby 9 weeks ago, it was very traumatic and ended up in emergency c section. I've had other babies and was fine after birth. But with this one, before even giving birth I knew it was going to be tough and it was. Everyone that sees me thinks I'm perfectly fine! But I'm not.
Some of the comments you have got here are harsh, as travelling 5-6 hours is different to an hour or so. Baby will start crying, you will need to stop. They shouldn't be in a car seat for more than half an hour without a stretch, a ten minute service station stop turns in to an hour. You know best, if your friend can't accept your reasonings then the problem is with her. A good friend would understand what you have gone through.

[OrlandointheWilderness]

Tbh I think YABU. Never mind losing your friend when you need her most - what about her needing you? She's getting married!