Declining to go to my best friends wedding

[Newmumma88]

I announced my pregnancy right before the new year and my best friend then announced her engagement to her fiancé two days later.

Obviously, being her best friend she expected me to be MOH, and said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October.

I told her in January that I wasn't sure if I could even make the wedding as it would be only 3 months after the baby would be born, and being a first time mum, I might still be trying to get into a feeding/sleeping routine. I'm addition, she lives over 5 hours away from me. I explained that I didn't feel comfortable traveling my baby that far so early on.

Then her sister messaged me on Facebook to harass me and called me a bad best friend because I said no. She then said "the world doesn't stop just because we have babies".

Being pregnant and emotional, that really upset me and I decided - just to keep the peace - to comprise with my friend. I said I would see how things go over the months leading up to the wedding and if I felt I could, then I would try to attend just as a guest, which she accepted. Or so I thought.

Fast forward to now, my baby is 11 weeks old - born 3 weeks early in a pretty traumatic birth, which I am still getting over emotionally and physically. The wedding in October is next month.

My friend asks if I have had any more thoughts on whether I'd be coming to her wedding as she's trying to get the final numbers.

I politely decline again and say I am still not comfortable traveling my daughter that distance being so little. I know babies under a certain age cannot be in a car seat for over two hours in a stretch so this would mean having to stop every 1.5 hours or so to give her back a rest, feed, change nappies etc turning into a 7-8 hour trip instead.

Cue her sister unleashing more abuse. This time, calling me a "disgraceful best friend" and then blocking me so I can't defend myself.

This time, after feeling beaten into submission, I say to my friend that I'll just come by myself and leave the baby at home with her dad because I'm so sick of being made to feel like a bad person just because I'm trying to put my family first and keep everyone happy at the same time.

This isn't good enough either apparently, and now she's snippy with me. She says I'm only agreeing to go now because I've been guilted into it by a few negative comments from her sister and that if they hadn't have brought it up again, then I would have still not agreed to go at all.

Sorry for the rant, but am I really being unreasonable here? The whole thing has made me feel so awful and depressed and that I've lost my friend when I need her the most.

Loads of weird self-satisfied comments by extremely low-empathy posters here. You are well within your rights to decline to go for a wedding for any reason you want to. Pregnancy and childbirth are intimidating, and different for everyone. Your friend and her sister have behaved like twats. I would never in a million years treat a friend like that for not coming to my wedding, and if anyone treated me that way I would no longer want to be their friend. You concentrate on your baby, and on building new friendships with kinder more mature people.

Over a decade, with kids - get something legal drawn up so you are protected until he gets around to marrying you.

No need to be bitter about others silly faff - they are as entitled to that as you are to a long engagement and intimate wedding.

You had a baby… that’s it. The world doesn’t stop.

Of course you can go, you just don’t want to and you’re using it as an excuse.

If she was really your best friend then you would make the effort.

Haha...yeah definitely.

"made no effort to want to go" - If it takes effort to want to go - you don't want to go.

The OP very reasonably foresaw that she would not want to drive 7-8 hours each way with a 3-month old baby, "squeeze into a dress" to perform MOH duties, whilst possibly leaking milk onto said dress. And therefore was able to give her 'friend' plenty of time to pick another friend as MOH / bridesmaid.

And her 'best friend' "said she wanted me to be able to squeeze into a dress for her wedding day in October." Which sounds suspiciously as if 'best friend' wanted a postpartum, probably breastfeeding mother to immediately go on a diet to ensure she could "squeeze" into the dress. Because her wedding is the most important thing in her world, therefore everyone's world. How dare OP have her own priorities and needs!

I think you could have gone and you were being a bit funny not going. However it is your choice and they both sound awful, I’d end the friendship if she thought how she was behaving was ok.

i don't get it - i went to bf wedding with my dd2 when she was about 6 weeks old - journey took about 8 hrs bec of motorway pike up . all was fine . your friendships are important too. just do it . babies travel all the time and are fine !

@WhereYouLeftIt that’s a big leap to assume the bride wanted the OP to diet for her wedding?

It’s ridiculous to decline a wedding invitation 10 months plus before because you are in the early stages of pregnancy.

Protected from what? It's me who has no interest in a wedding not him!

@Picklypickles why did you get engaged then?!

That was over 10 years ago, I've been to several weddings since then that have firmly put me off the whole idea!

The world also doesn’t stop for Weddings it’s one day compared to a child’s life. I’d block them they aren’t thinking of you, bride or sisterzilla

I don't see why you couldn't go? I think you're being precious and never wanted to go. She's obviously not a good friend to you. My dh and I travelled to Australia with our 4 month old to attend his bf's wedding.
They haven't handled it well, but neither have you.

^^ this

Self centred Bridezila and her sister who doesn’t have a life can go f* themselves.

it’s a party, you made a human being.
People who care that much about their weddings clearly don’t have much going on between their ears, their sheets and in their lives. Who cares that much about weddings? Is this the 1920s?

I also had a very traumatic birth. Some people don’t understand. It’s one of those things in life that show who can be a sympathetic/empathetic/considerate person, and who isn’t. She’s shown her true colours.

you don’t need to be harassed. What you need is support.

@sundayvibeswig22 it’s absolutely outrageous that you put your infant through this for a wedding.
Everyone in that flight hated you and no one would’ve cared if you hadn’t attended.
why did you put a 4 month old through a 24h flight? What kind of mother does that?

@NicolaSixSix ’People who care that much about their weddings clearly don’t have much going on between their ears, their sheets and in their lives’

Christ. Could say the same about people that think that their pregnancy / birth is that important to anyone but them and their partner.

@cultkid another awful mother actually bragging about it

I think you are acting a little precious declining from start. She's your best friend. Baby will be fine hoke or with you at the wedding.
I travelled 2 hours to attend the latter half of my friends wedding 5 days after my sons birth as he was important to me and I wanted to be there.

You “best friend” needs to grow up and so does you. You did the right thing by declining the invitation but you allowed to be sucked into this drama.

I personally wouldn’t go to this wedding and whoever tried to make me feel guilty about it would be put in their places promptly.

she’s not harassing and forcing other people to do things against their will because of her pregnancy/birth tho, is she?

also - making a human being trumps a party any day, any time, in every circumstance. Please refer to my comment, that you quoted.

"Christ. Could say the same about people that think that their pregnancy / birth is that important to anyone but them and their partner."

The friend whoses wedding it was is the one making it a huge deal about op not going though. So she is thinking her wedding has to be as important to everyone else as herself. Op wasn't making demands about her child. Her friend shouldn't have spat her dummy out over a wedding, go enjoy it marry your fiance!

"also - making a human being trumps a party any day, any time, in every circumstance"

This ^ A baby is more important than a bloody wedding.

She’s not making a baby though. She’s already done that

'She’s not making a baby though. She’s already done that."

Exactly she has done it, give her a minute! Not everybody is full of the joys of spring carrying their baby around like a piece of luggage.

@NicolaSixSix
Seriously, why so dramatic! At 4 months she literally breastfed, slept in basinet and then was cuddled. It wasn't a 24 hour flight either- we had a 2 day stop off in kuala lumpar then had 11 days in Oz. Best holiday we've ever had.