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AIBU?

Maternity ward visitor is driving me mad

221 replies

custardshire · 08/09/2022 04:09

I had a baby yesterday and I’m currently on the post natal ward. Right next to me there’s a couple which baby cries all day and all night. I’m fine with that and I sympathise with the mother. The staff is being really helpful and supportive as well.

tonight her baby woke up and cried desperately for over 30 minutes and both partner and mother were sound asleep and snoring really loud! I called the midwife to help the baby (hungry and had a full nappy). Again, I’ve got no problems whatsoever with the mum she must be having a very difficult time.

Her partner however is driving me insane! He snores like an animal all night long. She’s awake now and AIBU to think she should wake him up and make him move or change position? I would definitely do it to my DH. I can hear her moving and walking around so perhaps she could at least poke him whatever to try to make him stop? She’s just there minding her own business whilst her partner is keeping me and my newborn awake with his snore that sounds like a trumpet.

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Goldbar · 09/09/2022 00:50

fizzypop100 · 08/09/2022 23:05

Sorry to offend anyone but why are men allowed to stay? Women are so vulnerable after birth. I have never had a baby and would be horrified to have men around. I can remember there being sensible visiting hours when women in my family were on maternity wards. What changed ? It sounds like chaos

Because privacy, dignity and safety for postnatal women is seen as a low priority when balanced against cutting the staffing bill by offloading nursing and baby care duties onto fathers in postnatal wards. The irony is that many new fathers are shit at these and sleep through while their partners get up in the night to tend to the baby and hobble around with catheters in, so you get all the issues with men on maternity wards and few of the supposed benefits.

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O11 · 09/09/2022 01:08

4 nights on the postnatal ward with maybe a couple of hours sleep total actually put me off ever having another baby. It was one of the most dreadful experiences of my life. Partners had to leave at 8pm - if they'd been there all night I genuinely think I would have lost the plot.

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BananaBlue · 09/09/2022 02:00

EMCS after 3 days labour - my DH stayed.

I was pretty much unconscious for 12 hrs, DH did skin to skin, first nappy, clothes.
I wasn’t fed or given any drinks due to time of birth and my sleeping.
Meds forgotten.

DH looked after us both, maybe I would have got more care if he wasn’t there, but who would have sat with my baby for 12 hrs? Changed nappies? handed baby to me? Helped me out of bed, cleaned me, , kept me fed and watered? Things he did for a few weeks actually.

The staff are too busy.

It’s such a tough one, I imagine some DH are just there for the shits and giggles and cause problems,

DH kept a low profile, all the men in my bay did I think, I know DH was so amazed by me and baby that he didn’t notice anyone else.

But I can imagine the horror stories.

We need a better solution that’s fairer to all women.

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ShirleyPhallus · 09/09/2022 02:11

Post natal wards and other people are hideous. I think it’s very very easy to say to tell someone to be quiet but difficult to actually do it, especially if you can’t get up to shout through.

I had a snorer on my ward but she was also the type to watch videos on full blast with no headphones and have loud arguments on her phone. What could she actually do to stop snoring? She also slept through her baby crying so an awful nights sleep

I didn’t have my husband with me first birth and that was so hard - I couldn’t lift my baby in to the cot, having him there for second birth and overnight stay was much easier but made for s very very busy ward of 6 women, 6 men and 6 babies in a heatwave

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ShirleyPhallus · 09/09/2022 02:14

Also midwives and doctors should have some consideration for people sleeping. They did the rounds as though it was morning, no volume adjustment to their voice, no consideration that curtains aren’t soundproof. I heard a lot of medical information about other womens tears, blood pressure, infections, bleeding etc etc etc

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Nat6999 · 09/09/2022 02:24

What we need is post natal hotels with rooms that can accommodate a double bed, somewhere to make up feeds if needed, a kettle, microwave & fridge where new mums & dads can stay until discharge. Keep hospitals for mums & babies that need treatment, let's face it, other than painkillers & drugs what help do new mums get in hospital? 90% of the time they are left to get on with it on their own.

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ChillysWaterBottle · 09/09/2022 02:40

YANBU OP - maybe ask a midwife to have a quiet word with him?

I disagree with PP about partners on these wards though. I was in for 6 days post partum recovering and in a lot of pain. The staff were less than useless and my partner was a life saver, who slept on the floor and in chairs and cared for me and our newborn. I actually feel angry reading some of the previous comments so nearly a year later I'm clearly not over it. The staff were horrific, my partner was the only reason I got through.

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ChillysWaterBottle · 09/09/2022 02:46

luxxlisbon · 08/09/2022 21:58

I assume that staying over is a joint decision so yes, you're right, it isn't just the woman being inconsiderate, it's both of them.

Frankly my own physical well-being after major surgery with no up to date pain relief after, zero help from midwives and a baby that needs care are at the top of my priority list. I was physically unable to look after my baby, why would I be more concerned about a stranger than my own child’s well-being? It’s my partner’s child too - why should I have to care for them by myself after major surgery?
The exact same argument can be used the other way around, no consideration for women who have had a much more physically traumatic birth and are not capable of caring for a newborn while recovering.

100% this

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megosaurusrex · 09/09/2022 06:24

LosttheremoteAGAIN · 08/09/2022 22:42

I remember when I had my first
i was 19 (had turned 19 6 weeks earlier) and was bloody vulnerable
they told me I had to keep the curtains open 24/7
the bloke opposite me (sat in his shitty chair-he only moved out of it to shit or get snacks for himself) kept looking at me,with a massive grin on his face
im trying to get my tits out to feed my baby-he was looking with that grin
im trying to move about-staring with that grin
im trying to change my babies nappy-him still looking with that fucking grin
im trying to have a snooze-with him gawping-with the grin that never left his face
he didn’t help with his baby-not once
he did however take over the toilet for an hour every morning and kept commenting on the womens bodies and loudly told the ward about the blood stain on my pyjama bottoms

I snapped the curtains shut-and the midwives kept snapping them open again and kept telling me off for daring to open them
i was 19 years old-frightened,vulnerable and just wanted a tiny bit of privacy

then the bloody bounty woman comes barrelling towards me-I’m too young and frightened to tell her to fuck off

top it all off,this one midwife took it on herself to keep shouting at me for being young,unmarried and I deserved to go to hell for it (she took pleasure in waking me up if I did manage to doze and twice poked me in the spot I was sore from because I’d had to have two injections in my thigh)
she also walked in,ripped my pyjama top down and grabbed my nipple to ‘help’ feed my baby-when that failed she walked off with her and I went mental as I couldn’t see my baby-she reappeared and told me I was ‘overreacting’

I discharged myself-and they where going mental shouting at me I couldn’t-it took my dad to see the state I was in to sort it out with them-he told me to get my baby and my bag we where going right now

whoever called it the 6th circle of hell is spot on

This is horrific. I am so sorry this happened to you.

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YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 09/09/2022 08:34

Also currently on the transition ward with 2 newborn twins. Staff have been overall fantastic. Some of the parents here though... what us it they say about hell being over people!
One woman who is CONSTANTLY on the phone, having arguments about all her useless relatives, ignoring her crying baby. (who has jaundice) Last night had multiple visitors 2 hours after end of time and then decided to play white noise in the night to override the crying/try get her baby to sleep. Took another lovely phone call at 5am this morning. Then I hear the midwives "telling her off" at 8am as baby hasn't fed since 2. Yep... that because she bloody intentionally ignores it, got better things to do!
The other bed is currently full of a very young couple who were having the most ridiculous domestic from midnight until 2am about which of them "deserves" more sleep/rest/food/space/to not have to pick the baby up, round and round again in fucking circles. The mum tbf was absolutely shattered, baby wouldn't feed and was just screaming, the dad who is clearly completely useless, comes up with some corkers such as "why the fuck would you be more tired than I AM!?" With a 12 hour old baby... and this morning "why the fuck would you walk past and not pick him up when he's crying, you know I find that shit too hard" swiftly followed up with "you are doing a good job mummy" what a head fuck he is.
Can't wait to see how that turns out for the 3 of them.
On the plus side I really, really appreciate my DH more after these few days so far! I don't agree men should not be on the wards, just should be respectful of privacy for the other patients. I certainly couldn't have juggled the 2 babies feeding, changing and getting to and from the office with bottles etc without him, as good as the staff have been.
I feel so sorry for these babies and what will happen when they get home.

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Needmorelego · 09/09/2022 10:33

Perhaps the ward just need very strict rules that by being there you must agree to.
For patients obviously you can't be chucked out if medically you need to be there but for visitors and any relatives who don't follow the rules then you mate asked to leave.
The Rules :
For both paitents and visitors -
1 : no loud phonecalls. Text if possible but if must talk do it at a low voice.
2 : music, TV, internet, games may be played but only with headphones. No headphones - no gadgets.
If you break either of these rules your gadgets may be removed from you.
For Visitors :
1 : no loud conversations including arguing or you will be told to leave.
2 : visitors are not provided with food or drink - if you complain about this you will be told to leave.
3 : if you are staying overnight you must wear a dressing gown or similar when moving around the ward. If you are found in just boxer shorts you will be told to leave.
4 : don't stare at anyone other than your new baby or the mother of the baby - all nurses are allowed to use the phrase "oi...eyes where they're meant to be thank you" and failure to follow this means the nurses can squirt water in your eyes.
(Ok....maybe not that one)

The snoring thing is hard because obviously the mums may snore too. Perhaps all hospital beds should come with a large poky stick so people can poke their bed neighbour if needs be. Nurses could also use these.
The head nurse could have a gentle tazor for extreme snorers.

Ok some of this is clearly tongue in cheek but seriously how hard is it for me a ward to insist on no excessive noise. Make too much noise and you are simply asked to leave if a visitor and shut the f up if a patient.
Don't like it....home births or private is your option.

Please note excessive noise rules do not apply to the babies. Because they're babies.

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BananaBlue · 09/09/2022 13:10

@Needmorelego many of those points are excellent, but I think maybe ward bays need to be split by with/out partner where feasible.

I wonder if mine was as everyone had a partner in my 4-bay.

Just remembered - we had a conduct thingy for staying partners in the hospital notes.

As said, my DH stayed, I would have hated him not to and needed him, but it shouldn’t negate the needs of women who aren’t comfortable with this.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 09/09/2022 14:07

Why are the dads allowed to stay ? Pointless

I’m very relieved our local hospital has all single rooms

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Housewife2010 · 09/09/2022 14:14

User4648367373774 · 08/09/2022 06:31

I might get hate for this but this is why partners shouldn't be allowed to stay overnight to keep the numbers down imo. I've had two babies both by c section and I was grateful for the alone time when it was just me and baby. The ward I was on was quite peaceful as they didn't allow partners to stay.

I agree. I definitely don't think partners should be allowed to stay over on wards. It is hard enough to rest when babies are crying and new mothers are brought in during the night. Extra people staying over isn't fair on patients.

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Arbesque · 09/09/2022 14:56

ChillysWaterBottle · 09/09/2022 02:40

YANBU OP - maybe ask a midwife to have a quiet word with him?

I disagree with PP about partners on these wards though. I was in for 6 days post partum recovering and in a lot of pain. The staff were less than useless and my partner was a life saver, who slept on the floor and in chairs and cared for me and our newborn. I actually feel angry reading some of the previous comments so nearly a year later I'm clearly not over it. The staff were horrific, my partner was the only reason I got through.

But I presume your husband didn't use the patient's toilet and shower, walk around in his boxers, gawp at other women trying to breastfeed, expect free meals or play loud games on his phone.

Unfortunately a significant number of fathers seem to think some or all of the above are acceptable ways to behave on a post natal ward, and for that reason the concept should be abandoned.

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Emotionalsupportviper · 09/09/2022 15:31

extra people staying over isn't fair on patients.

Or on staff if those extra people are PITA who are lazy and demanding and disrupt the patients well-being - the staff are the ones who have to tackle them about it or work round them.

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XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 15:34

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/09/2022 14:07

Why are the dads allowed to stay ? Pointless

I’m very relieved our local hospital has all single rooms

Because MN isn't representative on this issue

Most women want their partners to stay IRL

Hence hospitals update their policies about it

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qpmz · 09/09/2022 16:00

Would be better if new mums were allowed a female friend or family member to stay overnight if they wanted the support. Better than having male partners in the ward at nighttime.

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Loics · 09/09/2022 16:11

qpmz · 09/09/2022 16:00

Would be better if new mums were allowed a female friend or family member to stay overnight if they wanted the support. Better than having male partners in the ward at nighttime.

My family members are all in my home country, I don't have any female friends nearby who were close enough at the time (or even now) to want them with me during labour/in the postnatal ward. MIL would have made the experience much more stressful.

I am fine with male partners being on the ward, I would have been quite distressed if he'd had to leave when I'd just had our first baby. The only issue for me was the woman and her mother beside us who talked, loudly, all night. It was like shouting was their normal volume. We wanted to go private but there are no private maternity units/hospitals anywhere near us. We were also happy to pay for a private postnatal room as heard you can do this sometimes in NHS hospitals, but ours didn't have the option.

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GG1986 · 09/09/2022 16:28

When I had my baby men were only allowed to stay for the first night, I sent my OH away as he snores and I wanted him to go home, grab some tea and tidy up the house ready for us coming home. Luckily none of the other dads stayed and I was in a room with 3 other women so wasn't too bad. Maybe have a word with the midwives about it?

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ShirleyPhallus · 09/09/2022 16:53

qpmz · 09/09/2022 16:00

Would be better if new mums were allowed a female friend or family member to stay overnight if they wanted the support. Better than having male partners in the ward at nighttime.

Christ no, I can’t think of anyone I want less than having my mum there.

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XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 16:55

qpmz · 09/09/2022 16:00

Would be better if new mums were allowed a female friend or family member to stay overnight if they wanted the support. Better than having male partners in the ward at nighttime.

Better for some

Not for all

The reason some hospitals allow this is because it's requested by the patients

Majority rules and all that

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WoodlandMummy · 09/09/2022 16:56

EntertainingandFactual · 08/09/2022 05:10

Husbands and partners should not be sleeping over on postnatal wards.
It’s like being stuck in a mixed sex bunk room at a youth hostel (with newborn babies).

……following major surgery

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BananaBlue · 09/09/2022 17:02

ShirleyPhallus · 09/09/2022 16:53

Christ no, I can’t think of anyone I want less than having my mum there.

Me too.

My DH kept telling me how amazing I was post birth.

First thing my mother said was ‘you look rough’.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 09/09/2022 17:02

XtinaCaligulara · 09/09/2022 15:34

Because MN isn't representative on this issue

Most women want their partners to stay IRL

Hence hospitals update their policies about it

Really ? Most want their partners to stay ?

don’t think any of my friends wanted the babies dad to stay the nights they were in

neither did I

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