Maternity ward visitor is driving me mad

[custardshire]

I had a baby yesterday and I’m currently on the post natal ward. Right next to me there’s a couple which baby cries all day and all night. I’m fine with that and I sympathise with the mother. The staff is being really helpful and supportive as well.

tonight her baby woke up and cried desperately for over 30 minutes and both partner and mother were sound asleep and snoring really loud! I called the midwife to help the baby (hungry and had a full nappy). Again, I’ve got no problems whatsoever with the mum she must be having a very difficult time.

Her partner however is driving me insane! He snores like an animal all night long. She’s awake now and AIBU to think she should wake him up and make him move or change position? I would definitely do it to my DH. I can hear her moving and walking around so perhaps she could at least poke him whatever to try to make him stop? She’s just there minding her own business whilst her partner is keeping me and my newborn awake with his snore that sounds like a trumpet.

[Tessasanderson]

Utterly unacceptable. I would be making holy hell about it.

Either you make enough disturbance to wake the entire ward up or you repeatedly (Every single minute) press the buzzer for help until someone deals with it.

You are a new mother trying to recover. A few hours of being an absolute bitch should sort this out.

[Charcy]

My partner wasn't allowed to stay overnight. He snores like a trooper so thankful for that. However the woman next to me was CONSTANTLY on the phone to her family, loudly, at every hour of the day and night, leaving her baby screaming. The woman across from me snored like a walrus and another pregnant woman who was in for observation, was constantly going out for cigarettes and stinking the ward out when she came back. The whole experience Drove me mad. Nurse staff were pretty useless and I was in agony with no one answering the buzzers for pain meds, told 3 times I'd get them and no one came. Physically couldn't get up to deal with my baby so had to just hold her and stay awake all night, being woken up constantly throughout the day and morning. Curtain being slung open at 6am, no matter if I was naked or not, asleep or not. In the end I had to demand to be let out early and sign multiple documents, I struggled at home but at least I had peace and quiet, or my own noise. Labour wards are actually disgusting places and it would genuinely put me off having more children.

[starbaby858]

@Inertia

@starbaby858 so what’s your solution for single mothers, or women whose partners have to stay home overnight to look after older children, and who don’t have family or friends nearby ? They have to struggle alone AND face the risks and inconvenience?

There are hospitals where men are not allowed to stay overnight on wards. How do they make it work?

@Inertia are you okay? :S

There’s obviously a difference between a blanket ‘no men on any wards’ rule and a difference between people that are by themselves by choice or because of their circumstance.

I feel like you’re purposely missing the point to fit your narrative but okay. First birth I had was in Lockdown but I had a woman birthing partner so that’s irrelevant. Second time I was by myself because DP had to stay at home with our DD. This will literally prove my point. I had a C Section, catheter in and couldn’t walk yet. NO ONE ever came round to check on me and at one point my call button was ringing for 40 mins, another mum on the ward came round to ask how she could help me. If I could have had DP there, then I wouldn’t have had to struggle.

Also what’s your point, that because a group of women can struggle if they have to be by themselves that everyone else can struggle too?

I can’t answer for hospitals that don’t allow men to stay because that’s never been my experience. Maybe they have enough staff that they don’t need to rely on people’s birthing partners? I have no clue.

Something has to be done in regards to the care women receive BEFORE you can have a blanket rule saying ‘no men on the ward.’ It’s really that simple…

[starbaby858]

Anyway, great debate but I don’t need to derail the OP’s thread any further:)

[EddieHowesBlackandWhiteArmy]

I totally agree that fathers shouldn’t be staying over on the postnatal ward but the only reason our hospital agreed to it was because it was an overwhelming request from mothers. In reality it’s awful but it’s what the women said they wanted regularly and forcefully.

[RinklyRomaine]

I refused to stay over with DS1 because of this issue. DDs birth was so long ago that the rules on visiting were quite rigid, and altho it was the seventh level of hell, it was bearable.

By DS1 it was a free for all, men on the wards all night, shuffling into the ladies loos in their boxers, stupid levels of noise, the lot. They let me out at 10pm in the end, but were very stroppy about it.

DS2 came in the middle of covid. My initial birth debrief from DS1 was before lockdown and I was told that men were on wards 24/7 because they simply don't have the staff. I questioned the sense in this from a safeguarding perspective, and the HEAD MIDWIFE in my debriefing laughed gaily and said I would not believe how badly some of the men behave, but some women want them there so 🤷🏻‍♀️. She said, oh, I could tell you some hair raising stories about the things men watch and do on a postnatal ward! So relieved lockdown stopped all that.

Anyway op I hope you finally have had some peace and are home in your own bed sooner rather than later.

[Moancup]

I gave birth six weeks ago. DP didn’t stay overnight. This meant that I got a bollocking from the midwives for needing help to get back from visiting my baby in NICU after my c section. DP had taken me over but gone home at 10.30pm to get some sleep. It was made very clear that my partner should have stayed to take me back.

Before giving birth I’d have agreed with the no-men posters here. However I was fortunate that male visitors were not the most annoying thing on the ward and my views have softened. Far worse was:
An air conditioning unit directing freezing cold air on my bed all night.
A missing light in my bay which made it impossible to express colostrum.
The call button being placed out of reach when I could still barely move.
Long delays for painkillers but being forbidden to take my own.
Missing multiple meals because of going back and forth to NICU.
Pressure for early discharge even though my baby was staying in.

[littlepeas]

I haven't been on the maternity ward for 11 years, but it was definitely no partners overnight when I had my dc and it should have stayed that way in my opinion. It's not appropriate for men to be sleeping on a ward with women in their most vulnerable state! Plus they just get in the way - there is not enough room for 2 adults and the bedside cot in the space you have on the ward.

[Goldbar]

Hospitals should allow women to express a preference. It might not be possible always to grant that preference but in most normal size hospitals it should be possible to designate some wards 'women only'.

In particular, single mums or women whose partners cannot stay should not have to put up with men on the ward when they are vulnerable, bleeding and have no one to advocate for them.

[Splodgerbodgerbadger]

@ElizabethBest

The postnatal ward is the actual 7th circle of hell.

Yes this, I was stuck on one for six nights and seeing things in the curtains by the last night I was so tired, it was absolutely awful.

[Isthatyourname]

@bestbefore

I can't believe they let men stay...what's the point?! Are they just behind a curtain from you? How awful...

Exactly - especially when he is snoring his head off and being absolutely no use anyway !

[FreyaStorm]

This is interesting/very strange how things are handled in another country:

“We try to arrange separate rooms because the culture and visiting times are really different,” said a nurse in the hospital. “You feel very intensely that there’s one person and there’s a clan.”

www.haaretz.com/israel-news/2018-05-18/ty-article/in-israeli-maternity-wards-jewish-and-arab-segregation-is-the-default/0000017f-eff8-da6f-a77f-fffe5a450000

[fairgame84]

@EddieHowesBlackandWhiteArmy

I totally agree that fathers shouldn’t be staying over on the postnatal ward but the only reason our hospital agreed to it was because it was an overwhelming request from mothers. In reality it’s awful but it’s what the women said they wanted regularly and forcefully.

I was discussing this with my midwife last week and this was the reason she said men are allowed, because the majority of women want it.
The staff don't want it as it causes lots of problems of them demanding food, needing to be in and out constantly, using women's toilets, being loud and walking around in their boxer shorts. And the majority of them aren't actually helping with care of the mum or baby.

There is no way I will be going to the ward where I have to share a bay with strange men while I'm trying to breast feed and leaking body fluids. It's bad enough walking past other women to go to the loo while you're in that state.
I had DS in 2004 when I was 20 and men weren't allowed overnight and I managed ok as a clueless young mum. Staffing was just as poor back then.
I'm going home from labour ward come hell or high water.

[Individewl]

I really sympathise with you! This happened to me and the partners snoring was so unbearable it actually reduced me to tears!

YANBU to speak to the staff about this, I did the same the nurses sympathised with me and I asked to move but they didn’t have space.

hopefully you get something sorted. Congratulations on your new baby!

[livindadream]

God bless he has just had a baby !!! I would not be able to stand this, especially post giving birth when you are exhausted and want to catch what sleep
you can. I’d have a word worn the ward sister. I’m

[SavBbunny]

Sorry OP this happened. And I am disgusted by all the breast feeding mothers who are being gawped at. I had a section years ago and my mother was so disgusted by my care she took me home at 4 days post partum. Complain. You need your sleep.
I am due to have an operation and this has made me think I should go private.

[zingally]

Sorry, but I'd be announcing to the room, "could snorey snorerson in bay 4 please shut the hell up?!

What have you got to lose by causing a bit of a ruckus yourself? These aren't your best mates, and the likelihood of you seeing them again is slim. And best case scenario, you or them gets moved to another room.

[user1471538283]

This sounds like hell. When my DS was born we had visiting hours!

You need to tell a nurse or midwife that he needs to go home because you and your baby are not getting enough rest. Your needs are more important than his, he can go home to snore.

[Emotionalsupportviper]

What the eff is anyone's partner, whatever their sex, doing sleeping in the ward where there are other women and babies?

How is this allowed? Surely apart from being a PITA it is a safeguarding issue?

[oakleaffy]

UGH!
@custardshire Completely empathise.Men absolutely should not be allowed to doss over in a Postnatal ward.
When I was in one, they weren't allowed overnight, but one woman had a really unpleasant partner who leered most inappropriately at a young mother who was trying to breastfeed her baby.
It was revolting to see him , almost with a line of drool hanging out of his mouth.
Loud warthog snoring is not on.

[PlumPudd]

Mothers with some kinds of disabilities or conditions, or who’ve had horrific birth injuries, or a three day labour probably need their partners to stay overnight to help care for them and the new baby. Ideally this would be done by midwives, but as maternity wards are hideously understaffed, there’s not much chance of that.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

@Pava22 I’m sure like everything seems to be, it’s massively inconsistent.

I think everyone’s reasons for wanting privately should be respected, unless there’s some really good reason - not just that they don’t trust mums, as per the reason given in your case.

[saraclara]

I'm so glad that I had my babies before fathers were allowed to stay, and importantly, before phones!

I was in the post-natal ward for a week post C-section back on the late 80s, and apart from crying babies, it was so peaceful, and we mums supported each other. Probably because we had nothing else to do!

I can't help feeling that mothers now feel they need their partners because the place is stressful. If it was calmer they'd feel more relaxed and able to cope.

[JudgeJ]

I'm old enough to not understand why maternity wards allow husbands/partners stay overnight, it's bad enough during the day with unlimited visitors and no rules in place regarding their behaviour. I wonder is new mothers would prefer a stricter regime, allowing visitors, other than husbands/partners, at specific times, limiting the numbers and chucking out the idiots?

[Annonnimoouse42]

@ElizabethBest

The postnatal ward is the actual 7th circle of hell.

agree completely