Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

Me and my sister used to do exactly that right up until we were about 16... Yes, it meant missing some things but it also meant spending time with our dad, who we loved, so why wouldn't we want to spend time with him?

But the parents split when the kids were tiny. Yes hard as teens but your average four year old doesn’t have a raging social life in the school holidays.

let’s get real (sorry couldn’t resist) was it more important for four year old boone to attend little jimmys birthday party in the middle of august or build and maintain a relationship with his dad?

they should have been regular proposer parenting from his dad: boone might have pushed back when he hit the dreaded teen years - but he would have had eight or so years of spending time with his dad - and monty wouldn’t be a stranger.

Can you imagine how much little boone missed his dad? A three or four year old and his dad just disappeared: the child doesn’t know who moved - he just knows dad becomes this distant relative he only seems occasionally.

dad also moved a further hour away. We have established mum is crap - but so is dad. More effort could have been made. Particularly when boone was young - then he wouldn’t be a stranger.

I’m not sure a caravan is a good idea - I wouldn’t want to be outside of the main house whilst my children slept. So much could go wrong.

You need to split the largest room into two.

Could you get a caravan and put it on the drive for you and your husband to sleep in. That way both boys get their own room

Worst thing imaginable for a teen. Having your parents partners kid take your room and your friends.

I totally agree that the person who has really missed out all these years is Boone. I agree he's been let down by both parents and yes, it would have been far better to have a more in depth relationship with his dad. But from what I'm reading, to me at least, it does sound like dad tried. Did he move hell and earth to develop their relationship? Probably not.

I'm not trying to say he's dad of the year.

But I think in reality there's only so much fighting people can/want to do. Mum moved so far away that the casual and frequent relationship wasn't possible. As a result, distance in their relationship grew. Then the practicalities became a barrier.

I guess, whoever is at fault is kind of irrelevant now. The main thing now is how best to help Boone through another relationship breakdown and sense of abandonment (with mum).

My original point, is that, if mum's career is so senior that it warrants leaving her child and moving to the other side of the earth for (as OP said), then she can contribute to Boone's new household to enable him to have his own space.

OP has said they can't afford to increase their living space. So, in my view, mum absolutely should be stumping up the cash.

It's the least she can do to be honest.

Same, I'd never leave my kids to live alone in the house at night. It's a recipe for disaster! And I hate to say it, but a safeguarding risk too, with an lesser known teenage boy in the house (I'm sure Boones lovely, I'm talking theoretically)

You're doing a great job here. This poor child's mum is clearing off with her BF and you are really working at making this work for all of you. I really hope it works out smoothly for all of you.

I’m not convinced by sleeping in the caravan, but it could be additional “living space” where the boys can have a bit of space away from each other, even while sharing a bedroom for sleeping in. Although I think they still definitely need to have the biggest bedroom. Two single beds take up considerably more space than a double bed. Plus they need as much as storage as you and your DP do, as well as somewhere to study

Absolutely.

I can't quite believe the replies I've been reading. I was expecting the usual tripe about needing to prioritise the step child above everybody else.

I can only conclude that people enjoy disagreeing with an OP on whatever they post about, bonus points if they happen to be a step parent.

Listen to the majority of people, OP. It's not a good idea. Also, kids thay old shouldn't mixed sex share.

I think we will have to agree to disagree.

I totally accept she should pay proper child support. And child benefit should switch to dad. If mum is earning mega bucks then the whole family will benefit financially from boone moving in.

but not the forty plus grand it would cost to build an extra room.

I also think boone will grow tired of this arrangement pretty fast and will either be in boarding school or with mum on Dubai or Sydney or Singapore in six months. Leaving deadbeat dad with an expensive home extension funded by the mum on a house I’m not sure he even owns!

Op isn't very empathetic to Montys plight but there's nothing to suggest Boone is the alpha child. He doesn't want to move to a foreign country for three years in his important school years so wants to live with his Dad. Perfectly reasonable. He needs a bed and a room. Perfectly reasonable (I agree re them having their own tho, for both kids sake cos I'm sure Boone doesn't want to share either). He needs to go to a school, perfectly reasonable. Should be he told he can't live with his parent unless he sleeps in the garden and goes to a school 40 minutes away and never looks Monty in the eye??

Do make sure DP gets the CB transferred to his name

There will be a lot more money.

the dad stops paying maintenance and the mum starts.

if she is earning £100k plus this should be at least £800 per month.

I assume she earns too much for child benefit. But OP’s other half might not?

so as a family they should be at least a grand better off. Yes teenagers are expensive - but boone shouldnt cost this much extra so there is a net contribution to the household.

Moving abroad with your kids for a work opp isn't really that odd. It's sad for Mom he's decided he doesn't want to go, but it would have been huge at this point in his education and he does have another parent who has a duty to provide him with a home. Punishing him by making him share a bedroom with his Dad and Step Mom is frankly ludicrous. He has a right to want to live with his Dad even if Mom didn't move.

OP has no authority to ensure the school do anything. Not every school has multiple classes for the same subject. They don't have to sit braiding each others hair but they can both cope sitting in a classroom with someone they don't actually dislike.

The walk to school thing, let's face it, it's a 1p min walk with prob little route choices. Boone either walks with or bizarrely 20 steps behind following them. I know which one is going to make EVERY ONE feel weirder.

All my instincts are rising up fighting at the thought of your son and how he feels in this situation.

When I was 14, my dad brought a student home to live with us because her accommodation was disgusting. I barely knew her and she had to have my bed, a loft bed with desk under, while I slept under the desk because the room was that tiny. I totally agreed this was necessary and was glad to help but EVEN SO I was terribly, terribly hurt and jealous that I had been given no choice, and lost most of the meagre amount of parental attention that was available to me (for various very good reasons). I feel like it lasted months, though that seems unlikely. I don't remember any of the details at all and it's possible I was fully consulted and helped formulate the plan, but my takeaway was that this was confirmation that I mattered least to everyone. I'm a bit ashamed to say it, because it was clearly a good thing to do, but that scarred me.

Will she pay maintenance though? Some people seem to forget obligations once they’re out of the country. And I’m not sure CMS can claim from abroad?

You think forcing the kid onto an aeroplane and making him move in the middle of his secondary education across the world for an unspecified amount of time because Daddy doesn't want him is less harmful to Boone than having to be in the same house and school as his Step brother is to Monty?

It's like some people forget Boone is just a kid, one who's Mom has put him in this position, who's asking to live with his Dad not suckle from the breast of a random stranger.

Please don’t feel ashamed, your situation was different. You were 14, why did she have the bed, why couldn’t she sleep on the floor?

And how did your dad know this you g female student?

OP says she is a good mother, relations are good and dad paid maintenance so hopefully she will have that basic moral compass.

monty’s resentment might be a little eroded of his lifestyle is boosted by this unwelcome house guest!

I have assumed mum is a bigger earner than dad - let’s assume he paid £300 a month. Mum now pays £800 a month, child benefit is an extra £60.

net gain of £1160 per month.

bet they like boone now😂mum might of course argue she should only pay what dad paid. Not sure how this will play out. But even then the family is £660 better of per month. Will boone cost this?

Christ OP, you can't make him share his room for 3 years at his age! I went to boarding school and even there we had our own rooms at 15-18. Sharing before that and having nowhere to be alone when I was dealing with the trauma of leaving home has had a long term detrimental impact on me, and I really value my privacy. But I don't think this has skewed me, most foster agencies won't consider anyone who doesn't have a spare room for a foster child. 15 year olds need their privacy. Why don't you have him on a camp bed in your room until you have sorted out an extra room? Or do you have any local friends with a spare bedroom until you have found the space? Can you share with your dd for a few weeks and have your DH and DSS in your room? You can't have them share a room.

It isn't his Mom's partner, it's the man he considers his Dad. And what's with the "Boone decided, his first plan of action would be to steal Montys friends. So wHhat that he'd have nothing in common with them. All that mattered was they they became his!!" drama.

If the lads are quite different, they'll likely have v different peer groups. If Montys mates ditch him every time a new kid moves in, they're not really friends.

15 year olds need their privacy. Why don't you have him on a camp bed in your room until you have sorted out an extra room?
So Mony must have his own room but the Step Kid can just doss down in the room with his Step Mom because neither he nor she need privacy??

Or do you have any local friends with a spare bedroom until you have found the space?. Yeah geez op, surely there'd a total stranger you can dump this kid on, who's already had to give up all his friends and move hours from home.