Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

Giving up her bedroom (for what a downstairs living space) and getting the DH to walk him to school the first day (which lets be honest is not going to be something that a 15 year old is going to want to do) are not really going to help though are they? You are still losing space and not living the same way as before.

I think to be fair to the @Sunnymother1 there wasnt really much choice - here is a boy whose mother has made a decision and it is one he doesnt want to do and it is his father's responsibility to give him a home.

The family meetings sound positive, recognising this going to be hard there are going to be bumps (and potentially quite explosive ones) in the road and allowing people a voice and being open to constantly thinking about how to change it to make it better is the only way through.

Monty is allowed a voice in this but at the same time he I assume is old enough to recognise that it is the right choice that is being made. And one which I suspect no one is 100% happy with.

@HopelesslyHopeful87 what about your step daughter that was being beaten ? Is she still being beaten and your dp is refusing to have her

Im sure Boone is also finding it hard but no one seems to be considering that,

Boones mother is willing to leave her son for a JOB.
When he is 15? Wow. Hell be seeing a therapist for abandonment issues in his 20s for sure:(

You cant force 2 strangers to live in a small bedroom together
They are teenagers!

And putting both of them in the same class...
You are in for years of trouble op

You are trying to do good
I get that. But you are going around it bad. Your son is going to resent you soon..

I was shocked at the mum going off without him at this age too but what do you suggest the OP does as an alternative? By the way they only have one or two lessons together - not like being in the same class all day at primary.

I thought this but then as PP pointed out the plan was for Boone to go along with her, he changed his mind last minute.

Im laughing at how harsh these comments are, some of you are being overly dramatic for some reason

Okay, in a week's time a distant cousin is moving into your house. You've met her a few times and don't know her. She'll be living in your bedroom for the next three years. Oh, and she's also working with you every day and you have to accompany her on the commute.

Oh what, you object? Don't be so over-dramatic!

It's a very long convoluted history I won't go into on here but stepdaughter wanted to go back to her mums after promises of moving house, new bedroom, new belongings etc. We were offered a bigger house through the council to accommodate her so her and my DD didn't have to share but SS said she could go back if she wanted and we couldn't hold her against her will so she went back. She left again and moved in with her grandparents and went back again. We can't force her to be here. We couldn't accept the bigger house because she left and we therefore were no longer eligible so she physically can't be here. Her mum has a massive hold over her and there nothing we can do. It was never court ordered that she couldn't be with her mum so she went back.

This situation is entirely your and your DH’s fault (mainly DHs really) and it’s been a decade the making. You’ve been a family for a decade yet your SS is a virtual stranger to you all including his own half sister? That doesn’t seem right does it. Oh I get that it was the mother that moved 4hrs away and then you both a further hour and yes sadly that did mean it wasn’t going to be a every other weekend and a night during week relationship your SS had with his dad, SM, her son and his half sister. But there is no excuse for him being a virtual stranger is there. You saw him at Christmas and occasionally if you drove all that way to the beach you’d pick him up to join you and potentially his dad visited slightly more often. He was a young child he should have been visitIng his dad in the holidays and long weekends occasionally. The fact that there is no space for him already (even a camp bed that got brought out) in his Dad’s home speaks volumes.

Boone isn’t the problem here at all. He’s had no dad for a decade (and in the meantime his dad was raising another boy!) His mum has now decided to move abroad during critical education period and he doesn’t want to follow her so is asking to move in with his (virtual stranger) Dad which involves leaving behind his own friends his own life everything. I feel sorry for this teen with two selfish parents.

Of course none of this is Monty’s fault and he will have a lot of adjustments emotionally around Boone moving in and being part of the family now. He shouldn’t have to make major sacrifices like giving up his bedroom and privacy. School seems less of an issue so long as he isn’t forced to be friends. I don’t see the issue in them walking together but then Boone should be left to own devices and I’m sure he’d prefer that also so he can make his own friends. They might even become friends of fine they have interests in common. Or they might have very different social circles.

Your DD will have to adjust too. Remember B is her half brother exactly the same as M is! It’s same relationship she’s just never been given the opportunity to develop her half sibling bond with B as she has with M. It sounds like she is only late primary age as you said primary school. So she isn’t a teen she’s a young child and could be starting period soon and all sorts. She shouldn’t be sharing with her half brother when she’s never had to previously. Even if they say they are happy short term it’s not really ideal is it and could damage their relationship.

So it’s you and your DH that will need to make the sacrifices here. Sleep livingroom until a further solution can be found. This is only way to make this change as smooth as possible for the 3 children none of whom asked for this. They all need personal space to decompress from new relationships.

Of course if Boone had actually been treated as part of the family over the last decade this move might have been a bit easier on all the children. But hindsight and all that 🙄

No she chose to go back. Ss couldn't and wouldn't stop her and neither could we. She went to stay with grandparents for a while but keeps going back to her mum. We can't force her to not be there. Ss investigated and nothing ever came of it the mum denied it and it got closed.

The problem with the ‘Monty will just have to adjust’ is that sure, he’ll have to tolerate a situation forced on him when he’s lacking in other options, but kids don’t stay kids forever, and forcing shit like this on them absolutely can and does have long term repercussions.

The kid on the receiving end of ‘suck it up, I’m the adult and I’m the one in control here’ grows into an adult with the power to decide whether he wants a relationship or not with parents that completely disregarded him as a teenager.

As far as stepmother double standards go, no. I think OP would be perfectly entitled to say no in this situation and choose instead to prioritize her children.

What’s the betting it’s Monty who ends up in the caravan down the garden 🙄

One of the main issues here is GCSEs. Both boys risk having their future lives destroyed if they mess up GCSEs in this most important year of their school years so far. If the step son's are already ripped to pieces because of the adults in his life failing him can we at elast ensure the son does not suffer the same by issues over sharing a room when trying to study and having to have a boy in the same or parallel class to him at school? By the way my twins were offered same class or parallel class and until sixth form were NEVER in the same class at school - try to ensure it for these two almost strangers.

As far as stepmother double standards go, no. I think OP would be perfectly entitled to say no in this situation and choose instead to prioritize her children.

Of course she isn't "entitled" to deny the boy a home. But she can and should give up her own bedroom and sleep in the living room rather than force these boys to share.

The difference is that Boone got a choice, Monty has lost his own room and has to take Boone to school, still can't believe a 15 year old needs someone to take them on a ten minute walk more than once and that his father can't do it.

My autistic 11 year old walked 40 minutes to school on his own after being shown twice. Your stepson should manage.

I think you are doing the right thing - I would just be patient with your son he has had a lot to get used to. I think sharing a room and then having to see that other teenager at school as well is WAY too intense - the the point I would do absolutely anything to avoid that for the boys. I think that is honestly a traumatic situation! The caravan idea above is a good one - otherwise - if this really is for 3 years I would start to look at moving to a larger home even if in a cheaper area.

Yes, she is. She could of course say no, and then her and her DH would have to find alternatives.

I'd set basic expectations for your son

Ie
Please walk to school with ss for the first week, please include him in conversations

If you see him in the corridor say hi and introduce him to who you're with.

If he's on his own at lunch for the first few weeks, please call him over.

..

Hopefully they can help each other with homework etc and find a way to a brotherly friendship.

You are putting a 14 year old boy in with his sister- how old is she? I think you are underestimating how much privacy teenagers need.

Yes, she is. She could of course say no, and then her and her DH would have to find alternatives.
Well thankfully she isnt that much of a cunt.

Yeah, because her own kids definitely won’t have a negative experience to the detriment of their relationship with her.

Monty will be lucky to get the garden shed at this rate

@Willyoujustbequiet my DP wasn’t aloud contact with Boone (boones mother took it to court) she finally allowed contact when Boone was 10 so he has not been able to be there for him

Hang on, a court agreed your husband shouldn't have any contact with his child? Why?