Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

do you have a basement? Attic? Large dining room? Any of these could be converted to a decent room with just a little wallboard, then let your son choose what one of the rooms he wants. Mabye even let him deck it out and paint it HIS way (remember... its just paint)

No reason at all why Boone has to walk with Monty, his friend and your dd and her friends. Either you or your DH need to set off 10 mins early with just Boone. Leave Monty with his friends. Forcing them together all the time will backfire and your relationship with Monty might never be the same again.

I really don’t understand why walking short distance to school together once or twice is such a hardship.

do these boys hate each other?

yes there will be some jealousy because of the dad situation. But they walk to school together the first morning then if they hate each other they leave at different times.

I am sure boone has a smart phone with maps - he can find his way if needs be: no 15 year old will be walked to school by a parent!

but really is monty so mean spirited that he wouldn’t introduce his brother to a few of his mates? I went to school with my cousin. Our parents didn’t have to intervene. She met me at the bus stop the first day. We hung around a little until we drifted into our own groups: this is normal.

monty has every right to be upset about the bedroom - but really he could have all to school with his step brother one morning.

Agree with FlumpyLump , "Either partition the biggest bedroom or give up your bedroom and have a sofa bed downstairs instead of thrusting this change upon your son who doesn't have a choice in the matter."

Or jennyofthenorth "do you have a basement? Attic? Large dining room? Any of these could be converted to a decent room with just a little wallboard, then let your son choose what one of the rooms he wants. Mabye even let him deck it out and paint it HIS way (remember... its just paint)"

Plus different schools.

Poor Boone

Why on earth is he a virtual stranger in his father's home? By the sounds of it your DH has been an absent father and there's simply no excuse for that. He's abdicated all responsibility to his ex and now his lack of effort will cause huge problems for both your children.

Hes not staying with you either....you're his family and its his home.

You are asking too much of both boys. They are hitting crucial gcse years and will need space to study and chill separately as well as sleep . You need to move from your room and split it in two. Too bad if you have to detach a head board. You and DH made this choice not either of the 2 boys. You could have said no on the grounds of space. I get the feeling you don't see this lasting . If it does you run the danger of both boys loosing it at a very important time, if it doesn't you have still shown Ds that he is less important than you. You can move a bed in a weekend and put units in halls.

Im laughing at how harsh these comments are, some of you are being overly dramatic for some reason
Why would they need to go to seperate schools! Wtf kind of faff would that be??
They need to go to the same school because 1. its convenient and 10 mins away and

1. The stepson will at least know 1 person before he gets settled in..

Who knows, maybe the boys will bond and become friends or stepson will eventually makes his own friends.

Op your son, you just got to tell him to play nice and make stepson feel welcome in your home , not every situation is going to be to his liking, he has a right to feel anxious/upset about it but its happening either way so hes just going to have to get used to it eventually ..

The only thing i would say is that making them share a room is a bad idea, teenagers need their privacy and im sure your stepson would also like to sleep alone, can stepson sleep in the living room temporarily?
It sounds like a good idea to partition the largest room for long term ..

I can't quite believe the replies I've been reading. I was expecting the usual tripe about needing to prioritise the step child above everybody else

Have you no imagination? What if a stranger came to live in your bedroom for three years and also accompanied you to your place of work every day?

And on top of that, you had to deal with raging teenage hormones?

I was just thinking the same. A stud wall is quite simple to put in..Or there is ways of devidiing the room. So what if they have to have a smaller bed in a smaller room it will be best for both boys. That boy needs his dad.

You need to get a sofabed and give up your room. You cannot expect your son to share with a step brother he hardly knows.

This just sounds awful.

He's 14, Boone is 15 - more than ever they need their own space.

The school thing will be what it is, but sharing a room - not on.

Why not let Boone sleep in your room with you and Dad on a single bed if it's so easy to adapt to someone in your space. Oh no, that wouldn't be right.

You parents must forfeit your room.

I feel so sorry for Monty.

Monty somehow needs to retain his own space.

Do whatever you can so that your son does not need to share a room with your stepson.

It will be a massive change for both of them and living on top of each other will not help.

Do you have a study or dining room that you could convert?

I just think the OP has got some stick because it seemed like she was making all these decisions without thinking about the feelings of the children who'd be most affected. It's a very old fashioned attitude to think you know best for children without involving them in discussions.

It's obvious to most parents that a teen boy is going to have his nose put out of joint having to overnight share his room and school with in effect a complete stranger. But the OP doesn't seem to have even considered this. Or be worried about how it would be for Boone to be basically abandoned by his mum for a new boyfriend and small kid. Both as a parent and step parent you should be caring about everyone's feelings as well as just the practicalities.

How would you like it if your husband moved his sister into your house without discussion and said she's going to live in your bedroom and work at your company? Children feel the same way. They're not robots until they suddenly become human at 18. It's hard enough and you have little enough control so parents could at least acknowledge their feelings and try and involve them in discussions so they don't feel completely overlooked.

Some fascinating perspectives here - absolutely bizarre that so many are livid on behalf of the OP’s son and aren’t seeing how difficult this is for her SS.

Son has a ‘father figure’ who is SS’s ACTUAL father but he’s been effectively separated from him for years. He’s now going to walk into the family his dad set up whilst he was only occasionally in his life. And yet there’s a poster making stupid comments like ‘has he always been the alpha child’? Clearly not, idiot.

It’s going to be hard for everyone.

Yeah so selfish. Mother has to leave? Or wants to? Your house isn't big enough for the 3 kids.
This child is a stranger. It's not even his half brother, it's your partners child and now through selfish adult choices, this poor lad is having a stranger forced upon him.

And weirdly. You don't seem that arsed.
Do you share a daughter together?

For the boys to share a yr group while one is 14 and the other 15, they must both be in y10
To be 15 and in y10, Boones birthday nust ha e been between 1st September and today. You say Monty is 3 months younger than Boone, so that would make Monty a June baby and therefore still in y9
I call bullshit!

Wouldn’t that make Monty a December baby? September born are the eldest in the year. A June baby would be 3 months older.

Yes you are right.i stand corrected.
I cannot understand why people arent blaming Boones mother whose selfishness is wreaking havoc on everyone's life?

Or living in Scotland (Mar to Feb) or some other jurisdiction with different academic years. Australia go from Jan to Dec for example.

Could you put up a shed/summerhouse in the garden for an extra room so the boys can have their own space?
My friend has a nice shed in the garden that her 19yr old sleeps in (by choice) it’s a rite of passage in the family and the youngest can’t wait for it to be her turn.

OP has decided that the best way forward is for Monty to lose his bedroom entirely and to sling him in with his little sister.

So don’t worry guys, Boone IS getting his own room. Sucks to be Monty but hey, everyone else is happy (apparently)

It is really not OK and if you don’t have another bedroom you just can’t take them in. Also, to be honest taking in a child who you don’t know is probably going to be a disaster. It’s very hard on your DSS who is also having to change everything and go to a new house, and share a bedroom.
Really awful please don’t do it.

Please don’t do it! What is the other option? Force Boone to move abroad when he has a parent here that he wants to live with?

I feel for OP on this thread as there is literally nothing she could have done which wouldn’t have resulted in criticism from MN. If she’d said no she’d have been torn apart on MN but apparently saying yes is also wrong.

Life is complicated!! It isn’t as simple as a right or wrong choice as all choices have consequences. I think saying yes to Boone moving in is the better of the 2 options but of course there will be complications.
Real life isn’t full of simple and perfect solutions!

There is something she could have done though! She could have given up HER bedroom. The DH could walk the lad to school for the first day. She chose not to do these things and just put it all on Monty instead!

This is not about school.

This is a teenager who only had one parent until he was 5, then stepdad moved in. No matter who loves who and how good it has been that's a huge change.

Now he has found out that mums can leave as well as dads. It might not be in the front of his brain but it is there.

Add to that a stranger moves in, not just into the house but into his room, and now into the same school.

These are massive changes for your family but the biggest impact is on him.

I know you said the rooms are small but if they have to share then surely they need the bigest room in the house?

Both boys should have a time when they get to be on their own.

@EbbyEbs but she is trying to find solutions to make it better, even thinking about sleeping in a caravan (not saying that’s a great idea). The situation has been sprung on everyone suddenly and it’s a work in progress.
OP did say it was difficult to give up her room due to fixtures but she may change her mind as they work towards a solution. She might not have made all the perfect choices so far but she’s trying to sort it out.

I really feel for Monty (although I don’t think the walking to school for a few days is such a big deal) but hopefully OP will take on board the advice on this thread, not the nastier comments.
I have a big ish house but no spare rooms and if I had short notice to move someone else in I am sure it wouldn’t work perfectly straight away.