Stepson joining my sons school

[Sunnymother1]

I have a DS Monty who is 14 and DSS Boone who is 15

DP moved in with me and Monty when Monty was 5 so has been the main father figure to his life ( his bio dad is not in the picture ). DP is involved in Boone’s life but because his bio mother lives so far away joint Custody was never a option.

Boone’s bio mother has had a offer for a job in another country and it would be crazy for her not to take it (she will be away for 3 years but will come back for periods of time) and the original idea was for Boone to come with her but last minute he has had a change of heart and Doesn’t want to go anymore so of course me and DP offered for him to stay at ours until she’s back (we do live 5 hours away from Boone’s house so he will have to move schools either way)

Both boys only have 3 months between them so Boone will be in Monty’s year at school which Monty is not best pleased about. He’s complained about having to share a room with Boone (we have a 3 bedroom house and my DD needs her own room) and I think having to take Boone “under his wing” is making DS annoyed which I’ve questioned why and he doesn’t have a reason why not he just doesn’t he said.

Both boys don’t know each other well (they have seen each other at Christmas and DP’s family get togethers) but do know each other kind of well Just not in a brotherly way of course.

Boone is staying at ours no matter what and everyone else is happy about it, am I being unreasonable expecting Monty to be okay with this (I get this is a massive change for everyone) he’s just acting like this will “ruin his life” and I don’t want Boone to have to feel unwelcome in our home.

@Aubriella
EXACTLY THIS

The step son is the one who caused the problem (once his mother made the weird decision to go abroad which has disrupted the whole family) by refusing to go abroad so I don't see why your son should suffer and have to share. I would make the husband and wife share with the step son and let the original boy keep his own room or convert the garage or extend into the loft. On the school issue ensure they do not have even to travel in to school today and that the school puts them in different classes for each subject which will help.

There are also legal and financial implications too. I don't know if the original couple had a court sealed consent order on the divorce finances (make sure they did) but if the step son is moved in then he becomes his step mother's "child of the family" and if the couple split up then because he has been living there and she has been (presumably) working to keep him she will have financial implications if she split up from her husband, to continue to pay for the step sum so it is a massive deal he is moving in and someone should perhaps consult a solicitor.

Unfortunately I’ve seen similar situations more than once in my old job. Two parent get together and try to force The Waltons on unhappy teenagers, who not only resent each other but resent the parents for pretending they’re siblings. It’s always insisted upon that the kids are ‘fine’ and ‘happy’, but that’s the parents kidding themselves. The reality is very different, and there’s invariably shock when that becomes apparent.

This has recipe for disaster written all over it. There will be long term repercussions and relationships may never fully recover if this is forced on all the kids involved in the manner it seems to be…

I have clearly missed something here - where did OP say the mother moved five hours away? I se edge lived five hours away but I have totally missed that she took her son away from the dad. Why didn’t he fight it?

but in any case a five hour drive is also a short flight. The boy could have come for a month in the summer, a week at Easter and a week at Christmas. Enough to build a relationship or sorts with his dad and his dad anew family.

i have said all along the mum should now pay child
support. I just dont thinks she should be expected to stump up tens of thousands for house renovations. A loft conversion can cost £50k these days.

what a mess! your DP needs to address the situation properly. His priority should be his own son not yours and he should never prioritise your son over his.

Not every other weekend, but he could still have managed half of every school holiday (rather than "just Christmas" as stated in the OP). I live about 5 hours away from my mum and we see each other about 6 times a year.

Can’t believe your male/female teens are having to share a room so that Boone gets his own room. Talk about enticing resentment. You say the siblings have “agreed”, did they really get much choice?

Thought you and DH were going to move out of your room OP? You gave up on that idea pretty quickly.

Those poor kids.

On a lighter note @Sunnymother1 I hope the boys actually become the best of pals because 'Monty and Boone' sounds like a great name for a private detective team 🙂
(I am assuming it's not their actual names....)
Hope it all turns out ok for everyone.

Will be interesting to read the follow up thread in a months time 🙄

The DH sounds like twat of the year and OP will do whatever it takes to keep him happy

OP it's baffling how strongly you are ignoring all of the advice on this thread. You were expecting two teen boys who are almost strangers to share a room than you say barely fits a king size bed. That would be claustrophobic with a sibling you'd grown up with, let alone this situation. If my parents had done that to me I'd have been counting down the days until I could leave home and I wouldn't have come back. And now the latest compromise is for your kids to share another equally small room.
Sort either you and your OH moving to a sofa bed downstairs or splitting your room and moving into Monty's asap. And listen to what the kids are saying to you.

If I was boone I would have asked to go to birding school if I wanted to stay in the uk.

force dad to visit in the holidays, get to know each other gradually.

wrote Off the new family - it’s arguably too late to try and form a blended family. His mum seems a bit useless, his dad seems a bit useless and the kids of the family already resent him.

Boone’s mum sounds like an absolute horror.

Have you got room for a small caravan in your garden (you can sometimes get them dead cheap off eBay)? Then perhaps you and DP could sleep in it and give the boys their own room.

I think you're doing the right thing by the way, it's absolutely right that DSS should have a place in his father's home and be made to feel welcome by you and his dad; he is obviously looking for a closer relationship than he's previously had, and it's lovely that you want to accommodate that. I just think it requires careful consideration and understanding of how much of an upheaval it is for Monty too. They might well end up making friends of their own accord, but there's no point trying to force it.

@Stripedbag101

my DP and his now ex lived in this little village
DP stayed after they broke up
she moved her and Boone 4 hours away to be near her parents (who have passed now)
I met DP in the small village and we desided to move to the main town part which was about 40 minutes away so that made it a 5 hour distance to get there
(DP wanted to be involved in Boones care but his ex didn’t want to drive down there so DP did as much as he could but once he got his job that he’s working in now that became harder and harder to do (boones mother has been great to him so he didn’t want to take it to court as it would be to much moving goes Boone))

DP’s Ex has now taken a job offer on bassivly the other side of the world with her short term BF and his 3 year old son and Boone dosnt want to go with them

so Boone is going to live with us

This is life changing for your DS, sharing a room and school. Would you want to share your room with your SIL for example?

It is really not OK and if you don’t have another bedroom you just can’t take them in. Also, to be honest taking in a child who you don’t know is probably going to be a disaster. It’s very hard on your DSS who is also having to change everything and go to a new house, and share a bedroom.

Really awful please don’t do it.

@SillySausage81 this is actually a great idea and we are going to look into it now

It's not going to be easy getting used to the new dynamic, and particularly difficult for Monty. I remember a younger lad I knew who really struggled when his parents fostered another lad the same age - there was a certain amount of jostling for their position in the family, mostly fairly subconscious. The same might well apply at school.
I'd be inclined to give the school a heads-up that they may find things tricky, so that if there's any effect on his behaviour in school they're aware. Obviously it may be unavoidable them being in some of the same classes, but they may be able to avoid them having to have too much to do with each other, and perhaps make sure that if they give Boone a buddy to help him settle in, it's not Monty or one of his friends.
(It may eventually turn out that they get on well and do end up with common friends, but it's probably better for them both to have some independent space to start with.)

But why no summer holidays living with you? Why wasn’t boone with you every school holiday?

why move to a house that couldn’t accommodate boone?

this is all your other half’s not yours but I really don’t understand how he became such an absent father while parenting your kids.

why does a 9-5 job mean you can’t have your son in school holidays? Why not move an hour towards him instead of an hour in the opposite direction?

it really doesn’t make sense

Poor Boone.

His mother is leaving for 3 years; he's being farmed off to a father he rarely sees so doesn't know. He has to try ti learn a new family life, that all that goes with living in a new family. change of locaction, home, bedroom, suddenly has 2 parent figures and 2 step-siblinvs he barely knows and has to share a private bedroom space with one of them.

If all that can be managed, you then throw in a new school where the only other boy he knows doesn't want to help him settle in.

Poor Monty 🤔🙄

How many kids do you know who want to spend half of their school holidays away from everything and everyone they know?!

Let's get real. They'll have school friend. Clubs. Social stuff they'll want to get involved in, at least from the ages of 9/10.

Most kids wouldn't want to go stay with dad every 6-12 weeks for a week or two at a time. With his wife and and two step siblings.

You can try to pin it on dad as much as you want, but if mum moves 4 hours away, that's pretty much the nail in the coffin for that relationship, even with best intentions.

Somehow make a separate space…the loft, the cheapest partition wall even if wardrobes have to be on the landing, something.
Otherwise you will be spending your whole life refereeing.

I think you should treat Boone as the new kid and take him until he knows the way

Let your son do what he normally would as regards getting to school.

The two are not mutually exclusive, at least Boone has SOME choice in this, albeit not much.