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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

498 replies

EmptyHouse0822 · 07/09/2022 11:55

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

OP posts:
Sally872 · 09/09/2022 16:35

Perfect response OP. Well done.

Chikapu · 09/09/2022 17:40

Similarly I have a couple who are good, kind, caring friends - but whose motto is "if it ain't white, it ain't right"
You can't seriously believe that they're good, kind or caring if one of their core beliefs is that anyone not white isn't right? You really need to have a long hard think about that and ask yourself why you're ok with it.

Hmm1234 · 09/09/2022 17:44

So you’re leading a double life and her comments have got to your conscience.

Original poster
EmptyHouse0822 · 09/09/2022 17:48

Hmm1234 · 09/09/2022 17:44

So you’re leading a double life and her comments have got to your conscience.

So unless I tell everyone I know that I’m bisexual it means I’m leading a double life?

OP posts:
Chikapu · 09/09/2022 17:48

Hmm1234 · 09/09/2022 17:44

So you’re leading a double life and her comments have got to your conscience.

How is she leading a double life?

pikiwop54 · 09/09/2022 17:50

Hmm1234 · 09/09/2022 17:44

So you’re leading a double life and her comments have got to your conscience.

Where the hell did you get that? She's not batman.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 09/09/2022 19:49

You don't know that

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 09/09/2022 19:51

Argh. That was mean to be to pikiwop54

Theblacksheepandme · 09/09/2022 20:03

Hmm1234 · 09/09/2022 17:44

So you’re leading a double life and her comments have got to your conscience.

What on earth are you talking about?

autienotnaughty · 09/09/2022 20:12

I think you have done the right thing and handled it really well. Her values are very skewed and I can't see how your friendship can continue based on that.

Calphurnia88 · 09/09/2022 20:18

Hmm1234 · 09/09/2022 17:44

So you’re leading a double life and her comments have got to your conscience.

Tell me you don't know what bisexual means without telling me you don't know what bisexual means.

ellieboolou · 09/09/2022 20:28

Well if you get on and for the last 2.5 years haven't had any issues it would be a shame to walk away from the friendship. She is allowed her opinion, I find the thought of sleeping with another woman rather vile too, doesn't mean I can't have lesbian friends.

Original poster
EmptyHouse0822 · 09/09/2022 20:33

ellieboolou · 09/09/2022 20:28

Well if you get on and for the last 2.5 years haven't had any issues it would be a shame to walk away from the friendship. She is allowed her opinion, I find the thought of sleeping with another woman rather vile too, doesn't mean I can't have lesbian friends.

The idea of you having sex with a woman as being vile is very different to thinking all women who have sex with women are vile.

You may think the sex act is vile, whereas my friend thinks the people doing it are vile.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 09/09/2022 20:59

ellieboolou · 09/09/2022 20:28

Well if you get on and for the last 2.5 years haven't had any issues it would be a shame to walk away from the friendship. She is allowed her opinion, I find the thought of sleeping with another woman rather vile too, doesn't mean I can't have lesbian friends.

Do you tell your lesbian friends you find it rather vile?

girlfriend44 · 09/09/2022 21:08

SleeplessInEngland · 08/09/2022 10:26

It must be so exhausting being homophobic. Just feeling so out of step with modern society all the time.

It's quite ridiculous being homophobic do they not realise its not a choice?

Also bet they wouldn't change their mind if their son or daughter were gay would be a different story then
Live and let live life is hard enough trying to get buy each day keep well and pay the bills etc.
Why on earth would you want to make life harder for people over something that isn't even anything to do with you?

nopenotplaying · 09/09/2022 21:21

Hmm1234 · 09/09/2022 17:44

So you’re leading a double life and her comments have got to your conscience.

Did you have feelings for her? Is that why it's bothered you more perhaps? You said you liked another mum in a previous post.

steaval · 09/09/2022 21:34

nopenotplaying · 09/09/2022 21:21

Did you have feelings for her? Is that why it's bothered you more perhaps? You said you liked another mum in a previous post.

Show quote history

Oh god really? Because she's bisexual she must fancy her?

Original poster
EmptyHouse0822 · 09/09/2022 23:05

nopenotplaying · 09/09/2022 21:21

Did you have feelings for her? Is that why it's bothered you more perhaps? You said you liked another mum in a previous post.

Show quote history

I 100% do not have any feelings towards my friend. I am not sexually attracted to her at all.

OP posts:
OldFan · 09/09/2022 23:35

When I identified as bi I would definitely have been really upset by her follow-up comments @EmptyHouse0822 and struggled not to lose my temper.

I suppose maybe try and hold fire, give it a week or so and see if things work themselves out somehow, mostly for the sake of your DC.

OldFan · 09/09/2022 23:46

It's quite ridiculous being homophobic do they not realise its not a choice?

@girlfriend44 It's not a choice to have some extent of same sex attraction (I imagine a lot of people do at some point) as someone who identified as bi in the past I know that of course.

It is a choice to roll with it or act on it or not though.

ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 10/09/2022 07:15

OldFan · 09/09/2022 23:46

It's quite ridiculous being homophobic do they not realise its not a choice?

@girlfriend44 It's not a choice to have some extent of same sex attraction (I imagine a lot of people do at some point) as someone who identified as bi in the past I know that of course.

It is a choice to roll with it or act on it or not though.

What's that got to do with it? I'm not sure what point you're trying to make here.

Lunificent · 10/09/2022 07:27

Is she also racist or holds any other unacceptable view? I ask because because if you can be that unpleasant about one thing, you may well be equally as unpleasant about other things.

TwoS · 10/09/2022 08:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
EmptyHouse0822 · 10/09/2022 08:21

I still haven’t heard from her since I text her on Thursday to say we should
both take some time to think about how we can move forwards.

Im due to meet her at the swimming baths in a couple of hours and I’m dreading it. I’m going to go because I genuinely don’t want this to affect the friendship of our children but I am very anxious about how she will be with me. Well, I’m anxious about how we’ll be with each other to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmptyHouse0822 · 10/09/2022 08:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I don’t know which thread you’re talking about but I am not cheating on my husband. Where on earth have I said I’m doing that?

OP posts:
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