To end this friendship now I know what she would really think of me….

[EmptyHouse0822]

I have a friend and we met because our children go to the same school. It started off as just chatting on the playground, then going out with the children and now we will also go out just the two of us.

We have been friends for about 2.5 years and I would say we are pretty close in that we talk to each other about our problems and we know we can trust each other.

Anyhow, this morning, completely out the blue she made some very negative and distasteful comments about lesbians and although she was trying to pass it off as a joke the undertone was clear that she thought the concept of two women together was quite unpleasant.

The problem is that even though she doesn’t know it, I am bisexual and so her comments made me really uncomfortable. Obviously I’m married with children so she would have no reason at all to suspect I can be attracted to women and so wouldn’t see any reason why her comments would upset me on a personal level.

Even if I wasn’t bisexual I wouldn’t have found her comments acceptable at all.

But now I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I can carry on this friendship knowing how disapproving she is of an aspect of my life but as we’ve been friends for so long and out children are good friends it wouldn’t make sense to anyone if I just pulled away from her.

I don’t know how to navigate this and I’m already dreading seeing her on the school run this afternoon.

AIBU to just pull back from the friendship and tell her why?

You've said what you needed to say. It's not your job to educate people on why homophobia is A Bad Thing, I think all you can do is be civil and await her response.

If...

1. She apologies (sincerely) then I would attempt to salvage the friendship
2. She doesn't apologise or acknowledge but is friendly then I would be tempted to salvage the friendship, cautiously. It's possible in his scenario that she's embarassed but doesn't know how to approach it
3. She is hostile then I would accept the friendship is over for both you and unfortunately the children, as it'll be tough to maintain playdates when the mother clearly doesn't approve of your sexuality

I think the most difficult scenario is one where your friend is (just) civil too. Then you'll need to decide whether the friendship is worth you going out of your way to try and salvage it, knowing that your friend fundamentally disapproves of your sexuality and is quite comfortable having shared this openly with you.

Good luck 💐

What on earth are you on about?

A bisexual is someone who is sexually attracted to both men and women. The fact that OP is married to a man doesn't change that, it just means that she is in a monogamous relationship with a man.

@TwoS What’s a ‘practicing bisexual’?

Yes. What does that have to do with anything?

@girlfriend44 yes they know I find it vile, hasn't stopped a beautiful friendships for the past 18 years.

I don’t even know where to start with the ridiculousness of this post.

I’m guessing it’s the equivalent of a single person not being a “practising heterosexual” ?

Maybe the poster believes that unless a person is actively having sex with someone then it means they do not have a sexuality.

Who knows..

So you tell your friends that you think their relationship and their sex life is vile and they are happy to be friends with you?

Announcing it to the world?

Only 4 other people, and my husband know.

Im not sure that equates to “the world” and nor was it an “announcement.”

You could be me OP. Except I also turn over when ANY sex scenes come on TV and find it all a bit gross and grim. I delight in people finding someone to love and spend their lives with. But I don't want to watch anyone shagging.

I also think that lots of (not all) representations of gay sex on TV can be pretty grim within the context of the story. We're still seeing lots of hook up type sex which like it or not some people find grim.

Try not to take it personally and ask her what specifically she found grim about it. Does she find other gay expressions of love grim? Would she participate in a gay marriage ceremony? Just communicate with her if you think she has other attributes that contribute to a good friendship.

My thoughts with you OP.

Are you married to someone of the opposite sex? Do you call yourself heterosexual? If so, what’s the point? You’re not a practicing heterosexual if you’re only sleeping with one person. Does your husband approve of you having the capacity to find other men attractive? See how ridiculous that sounds?

Honestly can’t believe some of the ignorant nonsense I’m reading on here. It’s like Little Britain come to life.

My BIL despises tories.
With every fibre of his being
my sister is a Tory and made no secret of that when they first met.

They have been married 26 years and happiest marriage I have ever seen

He still thinks tories are grim
she still is a Tory (a paid up member!)

Their relationship is so much more than just one differing view.

The two situations are not comparable. Homophobia is not just a "differing view".

Being a Tory is a choice. Being gay isn’t. Not comparable (although I struggle to see how people on opposite ends of the political spectrum can have a happy relationship because it isn’t just opinion, it’s your entire worldview and how you think society should operate and opposing moral values).

No

You think a political leaning is a choice.
To some it is part of the fabric of their being

The friend doesn’t like watching same sex… sex.

Not homophobia

Tories have never faced the persecution the gay community has in the past though have they.

Well…. 😂

Sorry, you lost me

What are you talking about? She hasn’t cheated on her husband. The issue in your example is the cheating, which is wrong regardless of anyone’s sexuality.

For the second time on this thread.

Tell me you don't know what bisexual means without telling me you don't know what bisexual means.

🤦🏻‍♀️