It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

@gingertoast I'm only bringing up the food thing in response to those saying I didn't pay his child maintenance.

I haven't asked and don't feel I should have to but I can and will. I wanted the opinions of Mumsnet to check I wasn't being unfair.

This

I wouldn't bedrudge 'spending money' - eg 10% of total or perhaps the holiday he's planned. But I'd give that to both sides so you can both have some disposable. If he had eg 10k for the holiday and debts and gave the same to you, you could choose to pay off your credit cards and/or buy something nice.

The Car feels like a big purchase and may be valid if its about time to replace, but would be at least a discussion - the inheritance is a good way to avoid finance and interest but 'fancy car' sounds like you think he's stretching things a bit - or he may think its an opportunity to have something nice that he maybe hasn't had (although 'fun 20s' sounds like you've not been wanting too much?)

Whats left after that we'd definitely be having a long talk about - 5x your yearly income sounds like whack it in a savings account/trickle into a couple of ISAs for retirement/pay off a chunk of the mortgage to save interest and also help towards retirement.

Has he made any noises about anything practical like that?

He sounds awful. Tight doesn't cover it. Selfish doesn't cover it. Cruel is the word I would use. He is indulging his inflated ego by buying himself a flash car when you have shown generosity towards him and his children, you have a debt and his children won't even be on the property ladder but no, old big head wants a flash car. He will be getting Turkey teeth next.

I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying.

This bloody inheritance aside - at that time, when you always paid 50% of days out for the kids (& I imagine 50% of eg food costs etc too ...) - did he make his displeasure about the child maintenance clear to you?
And how did that manifest?

How did/do you feel about the fact that he is pissed off about the maintenance, instead of grateful for your unswerving financial support of his DC's activities (& presumably day-to-day costs when in your home)?

I feel like you two need to have a discussion about money and finances now. I mean you’re married. Surely you can say hey how about that debt of mine? Just so odd you can’t just talk about it. Also can’t you toss a bit of extra money into the bills account so you don’t have to split dinners every time you go out? Just pay out of that?

Anyway I digress. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to expect this but I do think you’re being unreasonable not communicating with him. And your set up is a bit odd but who am I to judge.

I didn't have an inheritance but I did have a medical insurance payout when I was ill. When we got the money we agreed that I got a Rolex, DW got a new Ford Focus, DD got driving lessons and a new laptop and the rest went in the bank.
Technically it was "my money" as I had the heart attack to get it but it's going to be used for the family's benefit.

No practicalities. I've suggested he puts the max into Premium Bonds and ISAs so it doesn't all get chipped away as he's a bit of a spender and always has been. The new car is quite extravagant but he's always wanted it.

We're fortunate and I'm grateful I'm not on the breadline but it makes me wonder when we're older what the situation will be. We'll be mortgage free by then but will he be retired at 60, have a wardrobe full of designer gear and the newest car while I'm still working til 75?? God I hope not. This is what I'm genuinely worried doubt hence the user name.

I think YABVVVU. Your money is separate until your DH inherits a large sum of money and then you want a share?

I say this as someone in a very similar situation to you - DP of 13 years (civil partnership for 3), 1 adult DSD (who's holidays and birthday presents I have also contributed to), roughly the same incomes (although I have had periods where I have earned less and still contributed 50/50), both have loans outstanding which are paid from our own accounts. "House account" covers bills, mortgage, house expenses and holiday.

DP is about to inherit approximately twice our yearly salary from his aunt (who he also wasn't close to, so not a huge emotional upheaval).

It's HIS money. He wants to pay off his loan, fine, the rest he will invest for his retirement. I am actively encouraging him to do this. I don't think he should pay off my loan or make an overpayment on the mortgage (if he did I would ensure that that was ring-fenced in his share of the house - we have a deed of trust and wills that reflect our respective contributions to the deposit we put down).

What people are missing is that when one or both partners/spouses have children that are not of the relationship, then all preconceptions about family money go out of the window. My DSD will inherit from DP when he dies, as such, anything that he has now is not mine and neither should it be.

How would you feel if the tables were turned and he wanted a chunk of your money?

Meh, you need to mention it to him. Not suggested evading on bended knee or anything but perhaps it hasn't occurred to him, perhaps he doesn't want to offend you, perhaps he is unwilling. Who knows.

You want money from him, there's no reason you shouldn't have to ask.

Jack, now you've inherited 200k, I wondered if you'd consider paying off my bank loan so we're both finally debt free?

I don't want it both ways? Yes my disposable income was marginally higher than his because I didn't have maintenance to pay,

Of course you bloody didn't. Because YOU DO NOT HAVE KIDS.

Any PP giving you stick for that & gleefully ignoring that you paid 50% of DC food/presents/trips out costs whenever they were in your home, is just wilfully using the maintenance thing as a red herring to beat you up with.
But this is AIBU, where second wives/stepmums always take a bashing, so ...

I agree with this, I would be livid with my husband, but then we have always pooled our money, youve made it really clear all along that you seperate your funds (paying 50/50 for dinner ect)
Theres another reply on here saying you were never responsible for the child maintenance but actually if your saying all money should be shared because your married and together then so should financial responsibilities, in that you should have been supporting the maintenance of the children.

It sounds like you've been happy to keep everythibg seperate until you were the party that was worst off.

Saying that he could of course offer which would be the nicer thing to do. In a court of law yes youd get half but its up to you if your marriage is worth more as I think you'll have to agree how you'll work your finances moving forward as you've created this situation out of how youve handled finances previously.

God that is monumentally selfish of him. And the boy's holiday! Really awful and I'd be very hurt in your shoes

Surely you could ask if he’d like to pay off the mortgage?

Then you’re saving your mortgage repayments and can pay off the loan quicker

This sounds like a loveless marriage. I'd want out.

practically it would make sense for you both to max out ISAs (potentially stocks and shares if you have time to let them mature but thats a separate topic) and depending how much is left do the same the next few years too. That may be one way to gently determine how ringfenced he really feels about it as techically that other ISA would be in your name (but is practical from a family finances perspective)

He is a bit tight, I even pay half towards my birthday meals but I thought he was just careful.

Well he's not being careful with his inheritance is he? Pissing it up the wall on fancy cars and lads holidays!

He's only 'careful' when it comes to paying anything for YOU.

Then I think @Tinkity has just answered the next question for you:

We're fortunate and I'm grateful I'm not on the breadline but it makes me wonder when we're older what the situation will be. We'll be mortgage free by then but will he be retired at 60, have a wardrobe full of designer gear and the newest car while I'm still working til 75?? God I hope not. This is what I'm genuinely worried doubt hence the user name.

Yes, your fears will come true.
Because this man has a hugely entitled & hypocritical approach to money.
And as they are in the small things (a meal) so will they be in the big things (you working an extra 15 years because he is a tightwad.)

You are also misaligned in the way you handle money.
You want to pay down debt & save into a pension.
He wants flash cars, a flash wardrobe, 'boys holidays' & a wife who pays half his costs.

Of course you’re being unfair. You want separate finances until he gets a windfall and then you want him to share it 🙄

Paying off the mortgage would be wonderful but that would be a much bigger chunk and I would understand his reluctance as effectively he's handing me half of that mortgage money.

The loan is a much smaller amount, more of a kind gesture/gift.

I'm still stuck on how an amount of money equal to 5 x's your combined yearly wages wouldn't be life changing. It sounds like a huge amount of money.

Sorry to say but I am not sure I could stay with a man who did this. Spending on himself and no thought of you or his kids, selfish man.

I'm just thinking what I would do if tables were turned. If I had inherited I would have already given him money to pay off his debt and booked a nice holiday.

To be honest this all sounds a bit strange.

I won’t marry dp because I don’t want to combine finances, legally or other wiseZ when I got my dividend money, which is a fair amount, but not as much as your dh got. I gave dp 10K. Not for anything in particular but because we are a couple and I don’t want to sit with 100k and him just his wage. I also want him to spend it as he wants. So your dh not giving you anything is weird for.

That said, I think it’s really strange when married couples keep their finances so separate, even down to paying 50:50 for every meal. While me and dp don’t share finances, we are far more generous with eachother than this. And we don’t keep score of who paid for what. but I suppose if he has the view that you don’t share money and you have have accepted that, he probably views things completely differently.

I assume he feels that there’s been times where you have had spare money and you haven’t subsided him, so he doesn’t have to pay things for you now.

I can’t say who is unreasonable because I think you would need to know a lot of detail from both sides in regards to money during the marriage as a whole.

When women post on here in reverse they're told it's their money and to do what they want with it

So I'll hold the same view for your husband

Not life changing as in we couldn't retire on it. I think that's what I mean. It is a lot of money and if it were both of ours the mortgage would be cleared, the debts cleared, nice holiday, decent car for him (mine is ok), rest in investments. Still working.