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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's my money and I'll spend it ...

387 replies

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 10:50

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 07/09/2022 12:36

I'm not asking for half of his inheritance just a small contribution that would make life a bit easier.

You're not actually asking him for anything. You haven't asked so until you do, it's all in your head. Even feeling like he's punishing you for not contributing to his kids seems groundless unless he brings that up as as reason for not helping you out now. Glad that you are going to ask, but try not to overthink it in advance and definitely don't be bringing the past DC financing into it as that may be irrelevant.

Interesting that PPs said inheritances are not actually seen as shared money and it is seen as "his" money not as marital funds, esp in a second marriage with no DC. So after going along with separate finances and splitting everything 50/50 for 10 years - even your birthday meals - it is a shift from your side to want his contribution. Not saying he's right - am all for shared finances/family pots personally - but this is how you've set it up together so you need to initiate the change rather than raging in advance.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/09/2022 12:37

How long has he had the inheritance. You said the holiday was already booked so he has purchased a car he has always wanted and paid off his debt. Maybe he is considering what the best option is to do with the rest, pay off mortgage or invest for example? He hasn't exactly blown it all on himself despite all the selfish wanker posts. Just have a conversation with him like couples irl do.

Original poster
OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 12:37

nutellachurro · 07/09/2022 12:35

When women post on here in reverse they're told it's their money and to do what they want with it

So I'll hold the same view for your husband

OK thanks, that's fair.

OP posts:
derxa · 07/09/2022 12:37

nutellachurro · 07/09/2022 12:35

When women post on here in reverse they're told it's their money and to do what they want with it

So I'll hold the same view for your husband

I agree

porkmarkets · 07/09/2022 12:38

Has the money hit his account yet? Maybe he'll transfer a portion to you when it does?

Ryder68 · 07/09/2022 12:38

He'll be doing the Billy Big Balls act around town and may consider being married a drag soon.

theresnouseingrumpin · 07/09/2022 12:38

Ask him

Aroundthetwist · 07/09/2022 12:39

My marriage is like this, we run entirely separate finances. We always have done and it’s worked fine, but we are quite independent from each other. We have children and have been married for 18 years. We would split a meal out as you describe.

I’m likely to be in your dh’s position in a few years as my father is ill. I may inherit a similar sum.

I would not share my inheritance 50:50 with dh. However, I would likely share a small portion, and then invest the rest and use the income to treat us both. I wouldn’t share the capital though because I’m not sure how our marriage will pan out once the children leave home - it isn’t the most secure. Ultimately, I would prefer our children to benefit from any inheritance rather than my dh. That sounds harsh, but it’s important to me to ring fence it so it wouldn’t be a marital asset, and to retain control over it. As long as we are together though, I would share the income to reduce bills or pay for treats. So perhaps a halfway house, sharing a small amount, sharing the income, but keeping the capital ring fenced would be a sensible solution. I certainly wouldn’t spend it on flash items for myself and leave dh in the cold - despite our slightly odd set-up.

My conclusion is that my marriage isn’t the most secure hence the need to protect myself in the long-term whilst hopefully sharing in an easier life in the short term. Perhaps your dh was burnt through the break up of his first marriage and is protecting himself here - although it doesn’t sound ideal for you if you wanted more security.

Original poster
OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 12:40

Yes the money has hit his account, about two weeks ago I believe. Im not raging.

OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 07/09/2022 12:40

Of course you’re being unfair. You want separate finances until he gets a windfall and then you want him to share it 🙄

Yep, agree with this.

NoMichaelNo · 07/09/2022 12:40

nutellachurro · 07/09/2022 12:35

When women post on here in reverse they're told it's their money and to do what they want with it

So I'll hold the same view for your husband

Agreed.

BatteryPoweredMammy · 07/09/2022 12:41

In your opening posts, you sound like a carefree single twenty something, not a mature adult. But the fact he’s tight with money (going halves on your birthday meals FFS!), suggests that your relationship isn’t necessarily based on shared ideals. Does he look after you when when you’re sick, for instance?

Do you not regularly sit down and have sensible discussions about money, savings and debts. Especially with regards to the current financial climate and soaring inflation rates?

To be honest, I think you’re being very short sighted and simply hoping for the best. You’re already in your mid-40’s. You’ll be mid-50’s before you can blink.

What plans have you agreed if ;

one of you is made redundant? Will you be expected to use up any savings/get into debt to continue to pay 50% of the bills?

one of you gets sick and has to give up working and live on sickness benefits. Hopefully, you realise that most benefits are determined on your joint incomes, not expenditure, and if you’re sick you could be left with zero income.

what ages are you hoping to retire at and how will you fund it?

I’m in my late 50’s and already 4 of my good friends are dead. All had been in relationships and working full time in good jobs. You cannot assume that you’re going to stay healthy and still be happily working till you’re 70.

As you’re married, you really ought to be able to discuss this inheritance in terms of your joint financial future proofing. The fact he wants to blow significant sums on himself and hasn’t offered to pay off your small-ish debt speaks volumes as to how quickly he might ditch you if your financial circumstances change for the worse.

Honestly, you need to get your head out of the sand and think about your future with this man who appears not to care as much about you as you do about him. Think about that!

Bubblebubblebah · 07/09/2022 12:42

It feels like you never actually talked about money excoet "halvsies on bills and restaurants". Did he want you to pay half for the kids? (Frankly the partner is from what I gather expected to somehow join in, at least men). Did he say anything about the maintenance or is it equally just your thoughts like the "It's my money and I eill spend it" (which btw goves impression that's what he said). You told him to put it into investments and savongs so you talked about it.

I wouldn't be able to live with people who say nothing about their wants and needs and expect others to know. Or assume something is to be done by them and be a martyr about it when no one asked....

I agree with @nutellachurro as well

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 07/09/2022 12:43

I have been in similar situations twice. Also our set up is similar to yours. This is my second marriage and my husbands first. Got together late 30's. I had 2 children at the time, he had none. They are now adults. My DH never paid for my kids though - that was always covered by me and ExH. If we went on holiday, for eg. I paid for me and the kids, and actually often him as well, as I had more money. I think you were more than generous paying for his kids.

A few years ago, I got a voluntary redundancy payment. I repaid in full our joint credit card bill at the time, which was about £10k, which paid off our wedding and honeymoon. Secondly, I inherited when my Mum died. I paid off my husbands car loan and threw a lot at the mortgage (which is mine only). So yes, I think he should be paying off all loans, yours included, but then keeping the rest in his account. Maybe treat you to a holiday as well?

What resonated with me, was seeing a large sum in my savings account and knowing that my husband was in debt - I would have felt very mean not paying his debt off for him. That just didn't sit right with me.

Bubblebubblebah · 07/09/2022 12:43

Just want to add borthday meals and presents are not to be halvsies. But the rest sounds just fairly self inflicted based on assumptions

roarfeckingroarr · 07/09/2022 12:43

@thing47 it's how it should be. I've had a run of bad luck - but I have my beautiful DC so it was worth it. I just expect more moving forward.

mrsm43s · 07/09/2022 12:44

You didn't pay towards the child maintenance because - not your kids!
You don't have any entitlement to this money because - not your inheritance!

Yes, it would be kind if he treated you to something (and I can't imagine not treating my DH in this situation). But you were happy when it benefitted you to have separate finances, so that money is his and his alone. You have no right to it, in the same way as he had no right to expect you to pay half of his child maintenance.

stepparentbingo · 07/09/2022 12:44

But the finances haven't been separated - that's the big lie here.

You have been massively subbing him by paying half of a mortgage on a house with bedrooms to accommodate his children when he should have been paying the lion's share. You've been paying half of all bills, when again he should have been paying a much higher proportion of them. Never mind days out / holidays etc.

Essentially - he has benefitted substantially from your additional payments of your salary over the years, but is now trying to pretend you want his money and that he would be 'giving' you money you weren't entitled to.

RosetteNebula · 07/09/2022 12:44

His attitude is awful. I'm set to inherit a lot more than DH and I'll be using it to benefit our family (probably pay off a chunk of the mortgage). I wouldn't hesitate to pay off a small debt like this for him and I know he'd do the same.

CarmenBizet · 07/09/2022 12:47

You're married so of course it's money that belongs to both of you.

YABU though to claim that 5 x your joint salaries isn't a life changing amount.

MsRosley · 07/09/2022 12:47

Frankly I'd divorce the tight-fisted sod and see how far the it's-my-money rhetoric gets him when it comes to the settlement.

BadNomad · 07/09/2022 12:48

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though.

I just want to point out that this isn't automatically true. Inheritance can be seen as a non-matrimonial asset. Whether it is included in the matrimonial pot depends on your circumstances. With the length of your marriage, financial position and lack of shared children, you probably would not be entitled to any of it should you split.

Jaxhog · 07/09/2022 12:48

I've been in this situation, although with a smaller bequest. My DH bought me a brand new car, which I needed. He also paid off his own debts (less).

I guess it depends on your marriage, but it does sound pretty selfish.

CarmenBizet · 07/09/2022 12:48

You must be already incredibly wealthy if five times your joint annual salary is classed as not life changing.

cormorant5 · 07/09/2022 12:48

We have been married for hundreds of years, compared to some.
When DH inherited a large amount It went into the total mix, a joint acc, but we saved some in a separate account in his name for something/anything special that he wanted. That was 10 years ago and he has not spent it.

He and I would think anything different to be strange.