It's my money and I'll spend it ...

[OldAgeWorries]

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

[IAmNotHoratio]

I don’t know if I’m conventional but I think in a marriage it should be a what’s yours is mine situation if at all possible. So yes, I think he’s being very selfish.

[Bearsan]

I would share it with DH but I do think you're being unreasonable to expect him to pay off your debts.
If it's 5x household income and 5.5k won't make a dent in it, then it is life changing to most people and he should at least pay off the mortgage.

[SteveHarringtonsChestHair]

@OldAgeWorries

We don't have a marriage pot or family money. We each have our own account. If we go out for a meal we'll split it 50/50. We both pay equal amounts into a bills account and that pays mortgage, bills, food. We each pay to run our own vehicles.
My loan is paid from my own money and not the bills account.
He's not usually selfish like this but then we've never had a situation like this before.

Normally I’d say YANBU as I think that if you’re married or in a committed relationship you should share in each other’s good fortune and also help each other out in tough times.

However, the fact that your money is all separate and that you even go halves on a meal out says to me that this is not how your marriage works.

I used to earn a LOT less than XP and he subsidised me by paying for holidays and meals out for us both and for my DCs. If we’d moved in together I would have wanted a more shared arrangement - and tbh this was one of the things that ended it for me.

When we talked about pensions he told me that his was looking surprisingly good (only a few years contributions but on a 6 figure salary!). He asked me what my retirement plan was and I pointed out that after 10+ years as a single mum on a low income, funnily enough I didn’t have a huge pension pot - or even a small one! He then replied that it would be on my kids to take care of me. This solidified to me that he didn’t see me as a partner at all, that even in old age he expected to live a life of luxury but I’d have to fend for myself. I can’t imagine ever thinking like that about someone I’d loved for 10 years!

Your marriage sounds a lot like this, so if you’ve been ok with it up until now, YABU to expect him to share his windfall with you when he won’t even share a meal without expecting you to pay for your half.

[Christmasiscominghohoho]

I think he should pay of your debt.
Pay off the mortgage
and put some in the joint account/pay for a holiday.

[Pollydon]

YANBU, my DH also received an inheritance, large enough to buy a house outright. He immediately put the moneys into a joint account, he also bought a new car , but he cleared off both of our credit cards first and we had a big holiday. It was always seen by him as joint Money. Funnily enough some of his relatives saw this as his money alone and are pretty aghast that I am joint owner of the house we then bought and have full access to the funds . Married 30 years.

[Christmasiscominghohoho]

I couldn’t imagine not giving my partner any or not treating him/ giving him any money if I inherited such an amount.

[SunshineLoving]

I can never get my head around a married couple not sharing finances anyway but I find going 50-50 on a meal with your husband is very wrong.

Re the inheritance, in my opinion, the inheritance is a shared thing. You are married! Yes it may be in his name but you are a couple and should discuss and agree together how best to use the money or whether to save it. I would struggle very much if I was you to move past this.

[OldAgeWorries]

No he has an older sister.

It is six figures but he is really splashing out on a new car which is great as he's always wanted one and never thought he would have one. I don't resent him that one bit. Nor the boys holiday.

He is a bit tight, I even pay half towards my birthday meals but I thought he was just careful. The £5.5k for my loan really wouldn't make much of a dent.

[Motnight]

My dh and I both put money into a pot and then have our own spending money.

We have had 2 inheritances, one each. Each time we have spent around half of it on family stuff - ie paying a lump sum of the mortgage off, house improvements.

[Weirdlynormal]

I can understand why a second marriage keeps their finances separate. I can also understand why you haven't paid maintenance for his kids, but that must mean you've had more money than him until now, right?

Surely you can't have it both ways?

All that said, my husband inherited a huge sum and we have it held in both our names, invested it in both our pensions and it's very much shared money. We are a first marriage so I think that does influence things, but I can't see why I wouldn't share something with the person I love.

[Tinkity]

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split).

No you are wrong about this, inheritance is NOT automatically considered a marital asset as long as it is kept entirely separate from joint / family finances.

Inheritances can be considered a marital asset if:

1. It’s been mixed / pooled with family finances, so if for example he deposits it into a joint bank account or he pays off your joint mortgage etc.
2. There are not enough marital assets to adequately provide for everyone’s needs post divorce & using it is the only way to provide everyone with housing etc.

Courts always try to preserve inheritances where possible though.

[Weirdlynormal]

I even pay half towards my birthday meals

Fuck that then. He's a tight arsehole...but you knew that already.

[mountainsunsets]

But you actively chose not to share finances so why would you automatically get a share of his inheritance? It goes against how you've always operated as a couple.

The time to discuss all this was before you got married, not now he's come into some money.

IMO can't refuse to share money for over a decade and then expect to share his inheritance, especially as you always had more disposable income (that you didn't share while he paid his child maintenance.

[LookItsMeAgain]

Could you ask him for a contribution towards paying back the loan sooner? So if your loan is for 5K, perhaps 1k of that meaning the interest will be less and the repayments made smaller???
It makes financial sense, he's not giving you all of the money to repay your loan but he is easing the burden of the loan on everyone involved.

As for you paying 50% of your own birthday meals, I think that one should be made into 100% of the other party paying, so long as it's just the two of you eating out. There should be an agreement that you will only eat in restaurants where the bill doesn't require you to name your first born after the Maitre D' so that you're not going into hock for a single night out but then it should be up to the other to pay the bill for that one meal out.

[WitTanks]

Seems like an incredibly weird set up; paying half each if you go for a meal.

He sounds like a selfish arsehole though.

[OldAgeWorries]

I don't want it both ways? Yes my disposable income was marginally higher than his because I didn't have maintenance to pay, but I did contribute towards half of all food costs when the kids were with us every second weekend plus a couple of nights in the week, plus much more so I didn't entirely wash my hands of his extra costs. I pay half the mortgage for the house they stay in, half the bills, half the holiday costs.

I'm not asking for half of his inheritance just a small contribution that would make life a bit easier.

[Tinkity]

He is a bit tight, I even pay half towards my birthday meals but I thought he was just careful.

Does he pay half of his own birthday meals too though?

[Tootyfilou]

Half towards your birthday meal?! If that is the case you can hardly be surprised by his behaviour. What would happen if you lost your job or became ill and could not work? Quite frankly he sounds awful.

[eggsandbaconeveryday]

Firstly you are not nor ever have been responsible for paying maintenance for his children. Secondly, why was his first thought not to take you both away on a fabulous holiday and pay some money off the mortgage?. Your are partners in life ( married) so surely he should look at this as an opportunity for you both to benefit from not just himself ? I know that I couldn't behave that way and not lose sleep over it

[gingertoast]

@OldAgeWorries

I don't want it both ways? Yes my disposable income was marginally higher than his because I didn't have maintenance to pay, but I did contribute towards half of all food costs when the kids were with us every second weekend plus a couple of nights in the week, plus much more so I didn't entirely wash my hands of his extra costs. I pay half the mortgage for the house they stay in, half the bills, half the holiday costs.

I'm not asking for half of his inheritance just a small contribution that would make life a bit easier.

But you haven't asked and he hadn't said no. You need to actually ask him as your financial set up has been so separate for the duration of your relationship.

Bringing up paying for kids food etc seems pretty churlish at this late stage

[OldAgeWorries]

@Tinkity

He is a bit tight, I even pay half towards my birthday meals but I thought he was just careful.

Does he pay half of his own birthday meals too though?

No I used to take him to a posher restaurant than we would normally go and pay for his birthday meal. Until this year ...

[mamabear715]

Marriages are odd these days.. I was married three times (am widowed now) and it was always OUR money, think I must just be out of date!
I do think it's selfish behaviour though.
My mum inherited some money from a neighbour that she'd looked after. My (lovely, open handed) Dad said ooh, what shall we spend it on? Mum said 'But it's MY money..' Dad ended up telling her to shove it up her arse.. ;-)

[10HailMarys]

Just to be clear I haven't asked and he hasn't said no. It just hasn't been suggested by him and I don't want or feel I should have to ask.

Oh FFS. Just bloody ask him then! Then you'll know if he's being deliberately selfish or has just forgotten that you have that debt. If your finances are entirely separate, then there's a good chance he hasn't even thought about it.

He's not a mind-reader. If you want him to pay off the debt, ask him.

I haven't got a clue what DP's credit card balance is. He hasn't got a clue what I owe on my loan. If he wanted me to pay off his card out of a windfall I'd received, I'd be more than happy to do that, but he would have to ask because I've no idea if he has owes anything, and if he does owe anything, I wouldn't know how much it was.

[Somethingneedstochange]

He's being very selfish what about paying off the mortgage and putting some into savings? The least he could help his kids out by helping them get on the property ladder. Everyone is struggling to get by at the moment and just wanting to spend it all on himself is careless. You didn't have to contribute anything towards his children but you did.

[mountainsunsets]

@OldAgeWorries

I don't want it both ways? Yes my disposable income was marginally higher than his because I didn't have maintenance to pay, but I did contribute towards half of all food costs when the kids were with us every second weekend plus a couple of nights in the week, plus much more so I didn't entirely wash my hands of his extra costs. I pay half the mortgage for the house they stay in, half the bills, half the holiday costs.

I'm not asking for half of his inheritance just a small contribution that would make life a bit easier.

It reads like you've been a bit passive financially tbh.

Why did you accept paying half his kids food bill when he won't even buy you a birthday dinner?