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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's my money and I'll spend it ...

387 replies

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 10:50

I'd really like to get your opinions on my slightly odd marriage set up. I don't know how I've ended up here and think I'm pretty conventional but this situation is far from the norm. I'll try to keep it short but with all relevant info.

We're married and mid-40s. Second time for both he has young adult children and I don't. We've been together about 10 years in total. Married for five. We earn roughly around the same and I helped him with some of the costs for his children when they were with us but I never paid any of his child maintenance (by that I mean I paid half towards days out, birthday presents, holidays that sort of thing) . I had no part in his first marriage break-up.

He's inherited a substantial sum from an unmarried great aunt - somewhere in the region of 5 x years worth of our joint salaries. Not life changing or enough to retire on but still a nice and slightly unexpected bonus. He was not close to the aunt and didn't see her regularly so this sad occasion doesn't have a huge emotional toll (sorry if that sounds harsh I think it would be different if it were a closer family member).

We have a small mortgage which we've always overpaid to protect us in old age as neither or us thought there would be any inheritance from anywhere and too much fun in our 20s (and children in his case) meant little pension provisions until much too late.

This money is his and he's made this very clear. (I know we're married so I think it's both if we split). I have no intention of splitting with him though. He's buying a fancy new car. He's paying off some small credit card debt and going on a boys holiday! I have no problem with the holiday this was planned but I also have a small debt (£5.5k) and for him to pay this off for me wouldn't make a big dent in his money. My car is fine so I don't need a new car. We don't have joint accounts and never have. We always earned almost the same so apart from his child costs we were equal. I now feel he's punishing me for not contributing to his child maintenance when he was paying. Both kids are now working full time (no Uni).

AIBU to think he's being incredibly selfish or is he right and the money is his to do what he likes with? I don't think he has plans to give his kids any of it at this point but they are looked after in his will (as they should be).

OP posts:
Stace99 · 09/09/2022 07:33

Wow he sounds pretty selfish. My Husband would never dream of not treating us both or not trying to make our life’s easier by paying off debts etc. We’d only been together 6 months when he bought me my first car, bearing in mind he wasn’t really flush, just some savings he had and didn’t leave him with much after. We split all bills etc, plus we have budgets for food, clothes, kids, plus he also tops my wages up so I have a little bit to spend each month as I only work 16 he’s on around 25k a year, but money really doesn’t bother him.

Person18885 · 09/09/2022 07:39

I stopped reading after marriage setup, unless theres a prenup finances are shared

RudsyFarmer · 09/09/2022 07:39

Well that would kill my relationship stone dead. I wouldn’t expect the amount to be shared as such but it’s definitely expect the mortgage to be cleared alongside the credit card debt. What a selfish twat.

Stravaig · 09/09/2022 07:58

I think people are getting distracted by where the money is stored (in separate accounts) instead of focusing on how it is budgeted and spent (halves on everything). OP and husband effectively share finances, they simply arrive there via separate accounts. Which can make sense for a second marriage with pre-existing children who are primarily be the financial responsibility of their parents.

That said, your setup seems to have exacerbated a rather selfish sense of separateness in your husband, OP. To me, it's a basic incompatibility for one person to support and share while the other is all about self-indulgence. Prioritising a fancy sports car and a boys trip away all sounds a bit clichéd mid-life crisis to me.

Did/do you ever sit and clarify your financial expectations with each other, review, make plans? If not, an inheritance is a tricky place to start, but it does sounds like you need more open discussion in your relationship. If only to clarify that you urgently need a plan just for yourself.

newbiename · 09/09/2022 08:07

I'd definitely stop paying half for my birthday meal now. Also I'd stop paying anything towards the kids (I know they're

nachoavocado · 09/09/2022 08:08

Don't spend a penny more on his children. He's a selfish prick

Stravaig · 09/09/2022 08:37

ps. OP, I'm not sure that DH is right for you, but if you do resolve this and stay together, consider using YNAB (You Need A Budget). You'll be able to list your and DH's accounts, joint and individual; all feeding into a single shared budget which includes immediate, ongoing expenditures as well as long-term financial goals. It might help visualise and consolidate the togetherness arising from two separatenesses.

'Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other' (Rilke?)

sue20 · 09/09/2022 08:40

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 07/09/2022 11:13

He sounds mean. I'd be putting in my divorce application before he spends the money.

Haha.

sue20 · 09/09/2022 08:43

Person18885 · 09/09/2022 07:39

I stopped reading after marriage setup, unless theres a prenup finances are shared

But the issue is towards relationship behaviour not marriage/divorce status

Original poster
OldAgeWorries · 09/09/2022 09:08

wonderstuff · 08/09/2022 22:26

I think it would be reasonable to exclude you from it if he was using the money to support his kids, or ploughing it into assets that they would benefit from, but to buy a car and a holiday and not discuss it with you at all is very selfish, especially considering you are not in a strong financial position regarding pension planning.

I'm not about to divorce him. There's a lot more to our marriage than this, although, I agree it does show a character trait that's not particularly attractive.

@wonderstuff I wonder if the opinion would be different it we were a nuclear family, would it be ok to exclude the wife in that situation in favour of the children? I'm not suggesting he shouldn't look after his children and I've helped him do this over the years, but to do it to the complete exclusion of his wife? This would never be said in a family where the mum and dad are still together. This opens up a whole different conversation and as I've said previously it's not about the step family situation at all. His children will be well looked after (as they should be).

I don't want half his money as I'm financially independent and am not of the thinking that a husband should support his wife when she's perfectly capable of supporting herself. I just feel sad that the choices he's made so far are purely selfish and yes I am now wishing I wasn't quite so generous in the earlier years of our marriage when ALL costs for the children (excluding CMS) were paid 50/50.

OP posts:
UpYourOwnAss · 09/09/2022 09:21

If I had inherited 6figures and my DH had debt, that'll be the first thing I'd pay off. Who wouldn't want to make their partner/wife/husbands life easier.
He is being greedy and selfish

UpYourOwnAss · 09/09/2022 09:22

P.S I had 4k debt a few years ago and DH cleared it all with some of his savings.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 09/09/2022 09:27

The fact that you have to pay half for your own birthday meal tells me all I need to know about your "D"h.

Brefugee · 09/09/2022 09:29

thb for me it's just one of those things. But in his shoes I'd give you the 5k or so since you were all in with the kids.
But. why the heck are you paying half of your birthday meals and all of his? knock that on the head. It is either one or the other, not he gets everything his way.

He sounds like a bit of a knob, thb. And while you may not think you are going to split up, i wonder what he thinks?

Crazykatie · 09/09/2022 09:37

Being resentful is a pretty good way of causing a rift in your relationship, for whatever reason you have chosen to have separate finances, any lasting resent is going to be another nail in the coffin of your relationship and might even end it.
Im in a second relationship and if I had a windfall or inheritance it would go into my bank account for my future, ultimately to my children, I would bet that almost all on this forum would do the same.

Bottomofthepileasusual · 09/09/2022 09:38

I'd be raging about the car let alone anything else. Who the heck needs a car that expensive. . He's being mean and selfish.
It should be a joint decision how it's spent. I'd be very disappointed in him and it would certainly change my feelings about him

Person18885 · 09/09/2022 09:39

I get that this is a relationship issue, but legally speaking if there is no prenup or whatever and she spends the money in a way the husband disagrees, could he take action against his wife? that would be my concern

Person18885 · 09/09/2022 09:49

and OP for the record i don't think you're being unreasonable at all here, i just wouldnt want you to get into any trouble

Person18885 · 09/09/2022 09:50

if he is withholding funds from you and you do the same, i dont see that ending well at all

FrangipaniBlue · 09/09/2022 10:04

OldAgeWorries · 07/09/2022 12:35

Not life changing as in we couldn't retire on it. I think that's what I mean. It is a lot of money and if it were both of ours the mortgage would be cleared, the debts cleared, nice holiday, decent car for him (mine is ok), rest in investments. Still working.

So let me get this straight, you as a couple are in a position to be mortgage free, have a nice car, holiday and money left over to save/invest but instead DH is buying a flash car (that will depreciate), a boys holiday and squirrelling the rest away?

DH and I have "separate" finances but like fuck would this situation happen!

He is showing you how much he really values you.

Theadoraa · 09/09/2022 10:21

He is a bit tight, I even pay half towards my birthday meals but I thought he was just careful.

This is more of a sticking point for me and highlights he’s happy for you to spend on him but doesn’t reciprocate. He could easily afford some helpful gestures with his inheritance but has chosen not to which again is a sign of his attitude to money and you. In his position, I’d be having a chat with a financial advisor and paying off your loan. And setting aside a bit to do some nice things together. I wouldn’t be spending a big chunk on an expensive tin can on wheels.

wonderstuff · 09/09/2022 10:47

OldAgeWorries · 09/09/2022 09:08

I'm not about to divorce him. There's a lot more to our marriage than this, although, I agree it does show a character trait that's not particularly attractive.

@wonderstuff I wonder if the opinion would be different it we were a nuclear family, would it be ok to exclude the wife in that situation in favour of the children? I'm not suggesting he shouldn't look after his children and I've helped him do this over the years, but to do it to the complete exclusion of his wife? This would never be said in a family where the mum and dad are still together. This opens up a whole different conversation and as I've said previously it's not about the step family situation at all. His children will be well looked after (as they should be).

I don't want half his money as I'm financially independent and am not of the thinking that a husband should support his wife when she's perfectly capable of supporting herself. I just feel sad that the choices he's made so far are purely selfish and yes I am now wishing I wasn't quite so generous in the earlier years of our marriage when ALL costs for the children (excluding CMS) were paid 50/50.

Show quote history

I do think sometimes people ensure inheritance ‘stays in the family’ and spouses are excluded in favour of children even in nuclear families. I’ve read several on MN where trusts are set up so as to avoid money being an asset of a marriage.

However this clearly isn’t the intention in your husband’s case as he’s indulging in personal spending that benefits no one but himself.

Original poster
OldAgeWorries · 09/09/2022 11:08

He's not a completely selfish man usually. He is very giving with his time and will help almost anyone who asks, often to his own detriment. He has been generous with birthday and Christmas gifts over the years and I haven't had reason to think him terribly selfish - although he does like to have his own way (who doesn't).

This is new to us - until now financially we've been equal so it's interesting and worrying for the future.

He's always been very scathing about his ex wife and their finances and, from what I've seen, he had reason to be. I think he has been hit once and won't let it happen again therefore he's cautious - I understand this.

I've always worked for my own money and would never expect someone else to keep me, kids or not so I won't ask and if I don't get anything then so be it. The purpose of the post was to see if my feelings were unfair, they don't appear to be from the majority of responses.

OP posts:
33goingon64 · 09/09/2022 11:21

Not read whole thread. In your case I think the money should be shared. If he had no attachment to the aunt and you earn equal amounts he should be putting some aside for his DC and sharing the rest with you. But it's not necessarily the case that all inheritance should be shared. For example my DH earns waaaay more than me and his savings are all in his name. I'm about to inherit a large sum from my parents and I intend to consider it broadly as mine - I'll probably invest it so that I have some independent means, and something to keep me in retirement. He doesn't need that money so he's fine with me treating it as mine. I wouldn't expect to have any share in his inheritance when it comes. But your situation is different.

Kennykenkencat · 09/09/2022 13:05

I think whilst it is fine to have separate finances if you aren’t married but once you are, aside from if your spouse has a problem around money I.e they have a spending, gambling or drug addiction etc
Your finances are shared. You are a team who should be working towards pushing the “team” forward.

On divorce everything you own, saved or invested in gets shared. 50/50 is the starting point.

If one half of the team is separating any finances off into their own account, stops working as a team. Then I question whether the team is a team as given the opportunity one of the team has decided that they want to do their own thing.
If someone who has come into a lot of money, puts their friends happiness and enjoyment above the spouse and their own children then I would question how committed to a relationship are they

Even if they only spend £1 on their friends. It is £1 more than they have spent on you.

and that speaks volumes